AIBU to refuse to continue the 'wifework' for XP?

[Calipso32]

Long story story, my ex partner of a decade and I separated a month ago. We have two little DC and are still living together, as he refuses to entertain any situation where I can access my equity in our house. I expect to continue this cohabitation arrangement for the next 3-6 months so am trying to lay some ground rules to survive it.

I have always done the 'wifework' in our relationship. The meal prep, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, life and kid admin, buying clothes for kids and organising their appointments and so on... We both work, him full time and me 80% as I take the children one day a week.

Since the separation I've told him:

1. I will cook for the DC and I. He must sort his own meals out.

1. I will do the DC and my own laundry. He must do his own.

1. He's in out much bigger spare room. I've taken our old room. I've asked him to knock before entering and preferably to give me my space and not to enter at all. I asked him to take some of his clothes to the spare room as our wardrobe is in this room.

So far, he's ignored all my boundaries when it comes to privacy and comes into my room to dress every morning when I'm in bed. He's started doing his own laundry at least.

I'm a good cook and he's livid that I'm not cooking for him anymore. I'm still doing the shopping and told him to tell me what he wants me to buy so he can cook for himself. He's a rubbish cook and makes no effort to learn the basics. So far he's just taking meals I've already made from the freezer or any extra food on the counter from a meal I've just made for the DC. How is this fair?

I think he should learn to fend for himself. Especially as he's forced me into this co-habiting arrangement.

When this is pointed out to him he walks around swearing under his breath about my priorities being messed up and 'he can't even eat the food he pays for'.

I'm on maternity leave for another month with our youngest and he's up until now been supporting us whilst I'm on the unpaid part of my leave. Now he's saying I need to start paying my way (before I return) as a way to further control me.

He's a complete dickhead and I actually dispise him at this point for making this so much harder than I needs to be.

Are my ground rules reasonable?

Absolutely pathetic that anyone would even discuss this with any seriousness. We’re all meant to be grown ups. And you forget that these particular grown ups have children in the house and existing in this awful atmosphere that you’re trying to make worse. Mumsnetters at their absolute craziest and most destructive.

I don’t disagree that looking after the children is hard work! But the facts remain that if they want to behave as a totally separated couple, not eating together, not cooking together etc, then ALL she is actually entitled to from him is whatever amount CMS is based on his salary. That’s the facts.

Not for him to be paying all the mortgage, house bills, food shopping etc. If they were truly separated, all she’d be entitled to is CMS amount and yeah she could say she wants 50/50 custody making him required to deal with the childcare on his days, but it’s then up to him how he wishes to arrange that childcare, and if he’s as petty as it seems he is then he could quite easily say OK I’ll sort 50% childcare for my days and pay for nursery/childminder, he doesn’t have to say OP continues to watch them on “his” days meaning his money still funds the whole house.

You do really need to think through every eventuality in a situation like this. If you want to act and be entirely separated, a separated partner does not fund your maternity leave or entire life.

Why sexist?

I apologise for using handmaidens - I always get it wrong when what I really mean is ‘aunt Lydia’.

but to the more general point, these archetypes are the mechanisms through which a patriarchy enforced itself. It’s not sexist to point that out just because they are women - just as, from the other end, a choice isn’t necessarily feminist because it’s a woman making it.

Because those phrases “other” women who happen to make different choices. Because it devalues those choices by painting those women as deliberately subservient or second to the men in their lives. Because it creates a cartoonish and wholly 2D version of a woman who is making complex decisions based on her own happiness, and the well being and happiness of those she cares about. Because it is weaponised by people to devalue that woman, and make her seem
ridiculous and incapable of making “correct” decisions by some assumption that she doesn’t really understand that she’s been indoctrinated into a modern 21st century patriarchy. Because they’re naff and crap phrases. Because the person they create actually doesn’t exist.

This.

Get his stuff out of your bedroom.

Lock on door- plus an extra bolt at the top so that he can't easily break the lock when you are in there.

Cook only as much as you need for your and your children's immediate meal.

Stop doing his shopping.

You want to withdraw from everything you have been doing in the household for him (ie the previous fair split of responsibility) but are not standing on your own two feet in terms of paying your way. It's called having your cake and eating it.

Ignore this wankery. You are looking after his children. If you went back to work (as I agree you could), it would cost roughly £1,000 PER CHILD for decent childcare. And then there are the arrangements that need to be inlace for when one of the children is ill (and once they start nursery they catch everything - kids are just little plague rats. I do not doubt that you will be the one expected to take days off to accommodate this.

Edited for spelling. (Invariably spelling. Or grammar. Probably still mistakes in there.)

Not for him to be paying all the mortgage, house bills, food shopping etc.

He's forcing OP into this situation by refusing to let her take her share of the equity in the house.

I'm sure she'd much rather being living away from this controlling man and paying her own way - but he won't have it.

Agree. OP is in a vulnerable situation and needs sensible, concrete advice, not internet wankers making silly jokes.

I think the fundamental issue here OP, is that your wifework is unacknowledged by him and by the law in this country, as you are not in fact his wife.

While I appreciate life is complicated, I would hope this thread serves as a warning to anybody doing any kind of reproductive labour for a man you are not married to, under patriarchy. And also any woman thinking of ending a relationship with a man she is not married to, but is financially entwined with, while on maternity leave from birthing his baby, before getting all her ducks in a row.

You blew your opportunity to be in a stronger position by first, not marrying him, and then again, by ending the relationship with him before emptying any joint accounts and putting the house on the market tbh.

I’m not disagreeing with that. But there are ways to deal with that legally, force sale etc. What I am saying, is that the OP needs to be very careful right now about acting totally as a separated couple, because you can’t have it both ways. From his behaviour so far you can see he isn’t beyond being petty, and by pushing on acting totally separated, there’s very little stopping him from going okay, this is the CMS amount you’d be entitled to- that’s all you’re getting. And if he was to do that right now, while OP has no income, that leaves her very vulnerable.

Ridiculous. if someone behaves badly it’s not othering them to point it out, fgs. In your own idiom, you are cynically appropriating the language of liberation in defence of the functionaries of oppression.

To avoid more drama and everything getting more tense, I would let him eat what I cook. Let him have that. Let him do his laundry etc.

Apologies - I misunderstood your previous post.

You are right, of course.

He would be paying half the fee for a nanny

No that is not paying your way. He needs to contribute to children, but you need to cover your own costs and half the children’s costs.

I agree with you on everything else, and I think you need to be a lock on your bedroom door. But you cannot expect him to fund everything now that you have split up.

So where is she supposed to find the money to pay her way, if she is on maternity leave for another month and he is refusing to even discuss her getting her share of the equity out of their house?

I would be picking my battles
I'd straight away move all his stuff out of my bedroom and put a lock on the door.
If I was already cooking I would make another serve, as it isn't any harder.
I would not do his laundry as why the f* were you doing it anyway, and he is already doing it.
I would arrange to see a solicitor as it's going to take a bit of time anyway so as when you return to work in a month you have started the process to force a sale and make arrangements about the children. He clearly isn't going to play nice and be reasonable in meditation. There is no need to tell him that you are seeing a solicitor as it is your private business.

That is something OP should have worked out. From wherever, savings, better strategising, lining up the ducks as we say. Nobody can snap their fingers and get equity out of a house. They are split up, her ex boyfriend doesn’t have to pay for her.

That might be a good compromise.

and she should definitely take all his clothes to the spare room / out of the bedroom.
getting locks for the bedroom would seem like a good idea to me if he can’t respect OP’s privacy. But I’m not sure if that would work well for the older of the two children…

She can't claim UC before she leaves as she has too much savings. Also how can she claim if he is paying for everything?. Either he stops paying for everything and pays maintenance and she claim UC as well or he pays for everything and still let's him eat her cooking.

Poster, just compromise until this can be sorted out. Let him have some of your cooked food. You don't need to cook anything specially for him. Also ask him which room he wants. If he wants the spare room then move his things there if he won't. If he wants your room, move your stuff out.

I’d get some legal advice asap re forcing sale of your joint home. That will cost money in terms of legal fees, some solicitors may defer some until sale if you aren’t in a position to pay legal fees now.
Are you claiming child benefit?
It’s all well and good saying cut him off entirely but if you need to ride it out until you get your first pay back in your job as you are dependent on his goodwill to buy you food and other necessities.
You are unmarried. He has no legal obligation to support you practically or financially (or you him)
He does have to support the children but that would be via cms claim if need be. There’s no obligation for him to pay 50% of childcare.

OP should cover half the children’s cost plus her own cost whilst on mat leave? And whilst providing all (most?) of the childcare?

so she would shoulder have the financial burden and most of the child care? That is incredibly unfair to OP imo.

But she has to provide free childcare to facilitate his career?

I voted YANBU because he shouldn’t come into your room, however I don’t think this is a black and white situation.
Get a lock on the door of your room and move his clothes out, unless you are concerned that will enrage him (break the door down or whatever). You haven’t mentioned DV but it could be a coercive control issue, and violence could spark.
A rota for meals seems fairer and a way to keep the peace (and therefore makes for a calmer environment for the DC).
Now that you have made your move it’s unfortunately a case of biding your time until you can make the next part happen, ie selling the house or getting your money out. Given the ages of your DC (little) I would fake being civil to make their lives easier and keep focusing on the fact that you’ll soon be back at work, and more financially independent. Good luck OP.

I actually think the cooking thing is pretty immature - it takes no extra effort for you to add another serving and must be a horrible environment for your kids to be living in having their parents fight over refusing to share meals while living in the same house and you resenting him even eating leftovers…

Fair enough on the laundry etc but the food would not be the hill I die on.

Easy fix on the room is to have his stuff in the wardrobe put into the bedroom he is in so he has no reason to enter your bedroom, and then do the door wedge underneath so it’s awkward if he’s wandering in.

Get house valued etc buy think it’s a bit petty to suddenly punish him by not cooking when you’re leaving soon anyway - surely better to keep the peace and live harmoniously until divorce settled than create this horrible confusing environment for your kids?

But she has to provide free childcare to facilitate his career?

Unless she is willing to just walk away from her young children (including, it sounds like, a baby), then yes.

While I am sorry OP is in this situation, I do hope it is a warning to people who wouldn't think twice about have multiple children with an arsehole, not getting married and then breaking up with them while on maternity leave. Let's get a bit real, there is a chain of events that has led to this.