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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say its not my problem anymore?

123 replies

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 19:35

Kicked out DP. Together 7 years, one young child together. The house is owned by me, we were originally renting and then I received an inheritance and I bought the house we are currently living in with the money.

He is staying with a friend.

No cheating or abuse but we are not compatible and the way he behaves toward me and talks to me is very questionable. I believe he has controlling tendancies even though he'd never go so far as to actually try and stop me from doing things if that makes sense I.e. trying to make me feel guilty so that I'll willingly not do things he doesn't want me to do.

Anyway the AIBU is because he has two other children who are 9 & 11 who he shares care 50/50 with his ex. He is now trying to guilt me about this because I haven't let them back here to stay since I chucked him out and its not possible for them to stay at his friends (he's on their sofa at the min) meaning he's getting it in the neck from their mum. He is trying to say I should continue to let them stay until he finds somewhere else which he's trying to do as quickly as possible because they have rooms here etc. I have said no sorry its no longer my problem. It may be inconvenient but they do have a perfectly good home with their mum for the meantime until he has somewhere else for them to stay. Fwiw it's the same situation with our DC, he either comes here for a little bit to see our child or he takes them out for tea, it's inconvenient for me too that he can't have them stay yet but it is what it is at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 19:40

He also thinks I'm unreasonable because I've said I need their room clear by mid Nov. It's 3 bedrooms but our DC is currently in the smallest as two older DCs were sharing the bigger one. I want to move our DC into this room and I don't have the space to indefinitely store two beds and all of their things.

OP posts:

Theluggagerules · 22/10/2023 19:41

Not unreasonable at all, it totally isn't your problem

Topsyturvy33 · 22/10/2023 19:42

Not unreasonable… I’d imagine he’ll make finding a place more of a priority if he doesn’t have your house to rely on!

cheddercherry · 22/10/2023 19:43

Not unreasonable, as you say, you’re also inconvenienced by the situation but it is what it is. You’re presumably not going to be part of his other kids lives now moving forward so there isn’t a reason to drag out what’s already a clearly defined new living situation. Hope you’re doing ok.

Original poster

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 19:44

I don't know what to do if he doesn't find somewhere soon, I want the room free but I also feel bad getting rid of stuff if he doesn't take it. But I can't just have everything here indefinitely taking up a room DC could be using.

OP posts:

Pleaseme · 22/10/2023 19:45

I think this would drag on for ages if you let it continue. Clean break is by far the better option.

Pleaseme · 22/10/2023 19:46

Regarding the kids stuff would it fit in the small room if beds were dismantled etc That way your dc could swap.

Pinkelephant66 · 22/10/2023 19:47

Not your problem!

Sexnotgender · 22/10/2023 19:47

I feel sorry for the children, but they have 2 capable parents who can sort their needs out between them.

You have no responsibility towards them.

Olika · 22/10/2023 19:48

Stick to your guns and don't let his kids to stay at yours. Can you move his stuff to garage or something if he doesn't empty them out by mid November?

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 22/10/2023 19:48

Does your child not miss everyone? Must be a confusing time for the children

threecupsofteaminimum · 22/10/2023 19:49

Not. Your. Problem.

Hope you're ok x

Tinkerbyebye · 22/10/2023 19:51

If necessary move the stuff into the small room will the beds collapse?

otherwise he will have to find somewhere else to store the stuff. Maybe his friends or at the kids mothers

WYorkshireRose · 22/10/2023 19:52

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 19:44

Put it in a storage unit. Tell him you've paid the first month and that's all. If he fails to either clear it or continue paying the storage fees then he'll be the only one responsible for losing his stuff.

Createausername1970 · 22/10/2023 19:53

No, it's not your problem. But the thing that doesn't sit quite right with me how the kids feel?

Completely understand they are not your children but they are your child's half siblings, so you may continue to have some sort of relationship with them in future. Also, have they been able to come and collect any personal items? It might be nice to allow them to do that, if they want to.

They may not give two hoots about you or your house, or they may care a lot about not coming back to see you and their sibling. If the later is the case, then on balance I think I would want to be as helpful as I could towards them.

SecondUsername4me · 22/10/2023 19:53

How much notice did he get before he was told to leave?

Pixiedust1234 · 22/10/2023 19:54

Upend his kids beds and store them in the smaller room.

Of course they shouldn't stay in your home. It's not where he or they live. He can still have the kids elsewhere just not for sleepovers, ie cinema and meal or adventure park and meal can take several hours and help his ex out.

Good for you on acting on those tingly feelings, wish I had.

Testina · 22/10/2023 19:54

@WYorkshireRose when I rented a storage unit, I had to provide ID and sign a contract in my name. I couldn’t have just stopped paying, without it coming back on me.

1willgetthere · 22/10/2023 19:58

I think you were unreasonable as it sounds like you gave him no notice to find housing for himself and his children.

If this was a reversed post about a man doing that to a woman the responses would be what a bastard he was.

rwalker · 22/10/2023 19:59

It’s not ideal but 2 kids have been in your life for 7 years then you cut them off and kick them to the kerb
personally I couldn’t do it but each to there own

MariaLuna · 22/10/2023 20:01

He is now trying to guilt me about this because I haven't let them back here to stay since I chucked him out and its not possible for them to stay at his friends (he's on their sofa at the min) meaning he's getting it in the neck from their mum.

He really is not your problem. You decided the relationship no longer works for you so you do not have any obligation to "house" his kids. That's on him, and their mum.

An adult man without a roof over his head with kids is not someone you want to be going into the future with. "Failure to launch" I'd say. And probably someone who charmed women into shit

It's the children I feel sorry for....

Stay strong OP! You can do it.

gamerchick · 22/10/2023 20:01

There's nothing stopping you clearing out their room. Just store everything in the smaller bedroom. Beds can be stood on edge and leaned against the mattress against the wall.

Poor kids though. It's absolutely not your problem, I feel for them. Their dad needs to pull his finger out.

MumblesParty · 22/10/2023 20:02

I’m shocked that you’ve spent half of each week with these kids since they were 2 and 4, and now you don’t want to see them again.

MumblesParty · 22/10/2023 20:03

rwalker · 22/10/2023 19:59

It’s not ideal but 2 kids have been in your life for 7 years then you cut them off and kick them to the kerb
personally I couldn’t do it but each to there own

Exactly. It speaks volumes I think. And I suspect of the sexes were reversed the responses on here would be very very different.

Chalkdowns · 22/10/2023 20:06

So why is he happier having his children at your house than at his exes? You must be on better terms than he is with his ex?

It sounds like a messy business.

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