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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say its not my problem anymore?

123 replies

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 19:35

Kicked out DP. Together 7 years, one young child together. The house is owned by me, we were originally renting and then I received an inheritance and I bought the house we are currently living in with the money.

He is staying with a friend.

No cheating or abuse but we are not compatible and the way he behaves toward me and talks to me is very questionable. I believe he has controlling tendancies even though he'd never go so far as to actually try and stop me from doing things if that makes sense I.e. trying to make me feel guilty so that I'll willingly not do things he doesn't want me to do.

Anyway the AIBU is because he has two other children who are 9 & 11 who he shares care 50/50 with his ex. He is now trying to guilt me about this because I haven't let them back here to stay since I chucked him out and its not possible for them to stay at his friends (he's on their sofa at the min) meaning he's getting it in the neck from their mum. He is trying to say I should continue to let them stay until he finds somewhere else which he's trying to do as quickly as possible because they have rooms here etc. I have said no sorry its no longer my problem. It may be inconvenient but they do have a perfectly good home with their mum for the meantime until he has somewhere else for them to stay. Fwiw it's the same situation with our DC, he either comes here for a little bit to see our child or he takes them out for tea, it's inconvenient for me too that he can't have them stay yet but it is what it is at the moment.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 22/10/2023 21:05

The DCs can all still meet up, but they don't have to stay over.
Those saying it's not fair on the DCs have a point, but equally it's not fair for OP's ex to go but expect OP to still do his childcare for his DCs!

anon0007 · 22/10/2023 21:06

Pack up the room yourself and tell him to collect.

billy1966 · 22/10/2023 21:11

It is absolutely the responsibility of the joint parent to ultimately facilitate the siblings relationship, not the OP.

billy1966 · 22/10/2023 21:12

Rainbowqueeen · 22/10/2023 21:13

So he’s still treating you badly by expecting you to resolve his problem.

He is clearly trying to avoid paying maintenance.

Put the DCs stuff in the smaller room, give him a deadline to move it and other than that don’t engage.

Yes it’s very tough on the DC that their father isn’t moving heaven and earth to arrange a stable home for them and instead is focusing his energy on getting his ex to carry out his role.

LadyBird1973 · 22/10/2023 21:13

I wouldn't get rid of their stuff. Anything personal, I would box up and return to their mums house. Furniture I would keep until he sorts a new home. It is difficult to just move out - it takes time to find a suitable house, raise the deposit money etc.
Personally I'd want the kids to keep visiting because they are family, the siblings of my own child. And I believe it's important for adults not to just disappear from children's lives. I know that expecting step parents to have obligations is frowned upon by MM, but when you get into a relationship with someone who has children, and especially when you are the parent of their siblings, there is some obligation there imo.

But you could swap the rooms over and pack up things - you'd be surprised how much you can store in a small bedroom if no one is actually living in it.

MunchMunch · 22/10/2023 21:17

Well his ex might be getting on to him but now you and his ex are in the same position so f she thinks it's acceptable for you to have them over then surely the same could be said to her - let the ex stay over so he can have your dc when it's his turn. Bet she wouldn't be keen on that so why should you?!

Babyroobs · 22/10/2023 21:18

1willgetthere · 22/10/2023 19:58

I think you were unreasonable as it sounds like you gave him no notice to find housing for himself and his children.

If this was a reversed post about a man doing that to a woman the responses would be what a bastard he was.

This. It just sounds callous. I completely appreciate you want him out but in many areas it's not easy to find a rental property quickly, there are many people chasing each property in some areas. He needs to find somewhere for 3 kids, possibly at different schools, unlikely to get any help from benefits ( would assume he doesn't have a huge income if he's never managed to buy or purchase part of the house jointly with you ) as doesn't have any of the kids the majority of the time etc. I would cut him a bit of slack and at least try to be as helpful as possible to minimize disruption to the kids caught in the middle of it.

mathanxiety · 22/10/2023 21:19

Fionaville · 22/10/2023 20:12

How old are his kids? If you've been their step mum for 7 years, don't you want to see them or them see your DC? I'm not saying you have to keep their room. But maybe a sleepover or two just the kids, until he gets sorted? Unless you're relationship with them isn't good, obviously.

They can all do thst as soon as their father gets his act together and moves into a place of his own.

mathanxiety · 22/10/2023 21:22

YYY to @Rainbowqueeen
He thinks he can avoid paying child support to his ex by keeping the 50-50 up at your bother and expense.

His children and their stuff are also his foot in the door, and a way to annoy the OP. Score!

Fionaville · 22/10/2023 21:22

mathanxiety · 22/10/2023 21:19

They can all do thst as soon as their father gets his act together and moves into a place of his own.

Show quote history

I don't disagree. I meant it for OP to continue her relationship with them, separate from the ex. Perhaps it would be nice for all the kids to have a sleepover, but obviously she's under no obligation to do that.

SeulementUneFois · 22/10/2023 21:22

MunchMunch · 22/10/2023 21:17

This.

You are completely in the right OP, hold your ground.

JaneGainsborough · 22/10/2023 21:27

itsgettingweird · 22/10/2023 20:39

You've spent half of the week with them for over half their lives.

They are your DCs siblings.

And you want to just cut them out of your life?

Swap the rooms, that's understandable.

But I couldn't just cut contact with the children. For my own DCs sake.

He clearly has plans to find somewhere so the siblings can spend time together with him. It's not a forever plan he's asking for.

It might become a 'forever plan' if the OP doesn't make clear from the outset that she won't tolerate it. It might sound harsh, but the OP knows her ex better than we do. He might be the kind to take the piss and let the situation drag on and on. While I do feel for the kids, I think that a clean break is better than endless back and forth.

BlueEyedPeanut · 22/10/2023 21:34

It's their father's job to facilitate a sibling relationship between his children. It has nothing to do with either of his exes.

FictionalCharacter · 22/10/2023 21:39

He's still trying to control you!
If he doesn't have anywhere to put his kids' stuff, he can put it in storage.

Original poster

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 21:40

I gave him 2 weeks to go. It's not practical to do anything more because we don't have the space a lot of the time. I have 3 bedrooms and all of them were being used so he slept downstairs. He was originally going to stay with his parents but they live an hour and a half away so he decided against it.

I am happy for our DC to continue a relationship with their siblings of course, I have done my best to make our DC available to exP whenever he wants so he can take all children out together for tea or whatever he chooses.

In terms of my own relationship with them, it's a tough one. Personally I don't think now is the time for me to push for a separate relationship with them. It's too messy. I do care and wish them the best but they aren't my children at the end of the day, my life just got harder as well, I don't need another two children to care for half the week on top after my own stressful job and solo parenting practically full time. They have a mum, if it's that important then she can invite ex to stay at her house with the children for now.

OP posts:

JaneGainsborough · 22/10/2023 21:41

FictionalCharacter · 22/10/2023 21:39

He's still trying to control you!
If he doesn't have anywhere to put his kids' stuff, he can put it in storage.

This is the one. He is trying to soften her up, and make it harder for her to say no further down the line. There would most undoubtedly be mission creep if she allows this now.

Original poster

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 21:43

In terms of their things of course if there was anything they wanted to come and get they can. I'm not preventing them from taking their things. I just don't want to store them in my house indefinitely either.

I don't speak to their mum she's never wanted to get along so I can't drop things at her house.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 22/10/2023 21:43

So he wants you to cover his contact schedule for him to stay in his ex’s good books?

I’m sure his ex is worried and annoyed about her own life going tits up at the moment, but she’s their mum. You’re not. This is their problem. Co parenting sometimes comes with changes and ups and downs because the parents have separate lives that inevitably affect each other at some point. He should be working with the mum to work something out about him seeing his kids. Not you!

Original poster

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 21:46

He's offered to stay here when they stay but that isn't going to work so yes he also then suggested they stay here without him instead which I've said no to.

OP posts:

CharityShopHorde · 22/10/2023 21:46

Honestly, you sound callous and I feel sorry for the kids.

funinthesun19 · 22/10/2023 21:52

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 21:46

He's offered to stay here when they stay but that isn't going to work so yes he also then suggested they stay here without him instead which I've said no to.

Oh no this is so bad. Him stay when they come over? Talk about keeping his foot in the door and you not having the chance to start moving forward with your life. How suffocating. Not only are you unable to get rid of him, but you can’t also start living a life as someone who is no longer a stepparent. I would be extremely frustrated at this suggestion.

Other option is they stay without him. Yes he won’t be there which would be great, but you’re still not able to move on with your life. And you’re providing childcare half of the week. Not fair.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/10/2023 21:54

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 21:46

He's offered to stay here when they stay but that isn't going to work so yes he also then suggested they stay here without him instead which I've said no to.

I bet he bloody did cheeky fucker!

Keep saying no op, he needs to get the message that your house is no longer his to use for anything but you and you child.
The firmer you are the quicker he should pull his finger put and find appropriate accommodation for HIS children.

PaminaMozart · 22/10/2023 21:55

There are 2 relationships.
One with your ex - this is now severed and limited to sorting out practicalities.

The other is with your stepchildren. You could of course sever this relationship as well, but I put it to you that it would be a really mean thing to do. They are your child's half-siblings. You were part of their lives for many years. Would it really be too onerous to invite them to spend a day each weekend, at least for the time being?

Edited to add: I mean have only the stepchildren spend a day with you, without their dad.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/10/2023 21:55

CharityShopHorde · 22/10/2023 21:46

Honestly, you sound callous and I feel sorry for the kids.

She sounds sensible, children respond better to firm boundaries.

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