Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say its not my problem anymore?

123 replies

practicallyhello · 22/10/2023 19:35

Kicked out DP. Together 7 years, one young child together. The house is owned by me, we were originally renting and then I received an inheritance and I bought the house we are currently living in with the money.

He is staying with a friend.

No cheating or abuse but we are not compatible and the way he behaves toward me and talks to me is very questionable. I believe he has controlling tendancies even though he'd never go so far as to actually try and stop me from doing things if that makes sense I.e. trying to make me feel guilty so that I'll willingly not do things he doesn't want me to do.

Anyway the AIBU is because he has two other children who are 9 & 11 who he shares care 50/50 with his ex. He is now trying to guilt me about this because I haven't let them back here to stay since I chucked him out and its not possible for them to stay at his friends (he's on their sofa at the min) meaning he's getting it in the neck from their mum. He is trying to say I should continue to let them stay until he finds somewhere else which he's trying to do as quickly as possible because they have rooms here etc. I have said no sorry its no longer my problem. It may be inconvenient but they do have a perfectly good home with their mum for the meantime until he has somewhere else for them to stay. Fwiw it's the same situation with our DC, he either comes here for a little bit to see our child or he takes them out for tea, it's inconvenient for me too that he can't have them stay yet but it is what it is at the moment.

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 22/10/2023 20:07

@rwalker

Ah right. As women we are not allowed to choose for ourself when a relationship goes belly-up?

Wonder if OP could present a bill to him for 7 years of housing and taking care of his kids eh? I'm sure he'll pay her back during the week...ha!

he's a user!! great way to bring up children, NOT!

Fionaville · 22/10/2023 20:12

How old are his kids? If you've been their step mum for 7 years, don't you want to see them or them see your DC? I'm not saying you have to keep their room. But maybe a sleepover or two just the kids, until he gets sorted? Unless you're relationship with them isn't good, obviously.

ButterCrackers · 22/10/2023 20:17

His kids can stay with their mum until he can sort out a place for them to live with him. Not your problem.

rwalker · 22/10/2023 20:20

MariaLuna · 22/10/2023 20:07

@rwalker

Ah right. As women we are not allowed to choose for ourself when a relationship goes belly-up?

Wonder if OP could present a bill to him for 7 years of housing and taking care of his kids eh? I'm sure he'll pay her back during the week...ha!

he's a user!! great way to bring up children, NOT!

It’s about the kids not him
Seeing the affect it’s had on my friend who lived with his mum and stepdad for 10 years
and when mum and stepdad separated he just disappeared from his life years later it still upsets him now

being male or female has nothing to do with it
its about being part of a child’s life for years and how you deal with it going forward of course it will change and come to an end
but living with some 50% of the time for 7 years then no contact no wonder we have so many emotionally screwed up kids

Khvdrt · 22/10/2023 20:21

How much notice did you give him before asking him to leave? If there wasn’t cheating or abuse and I was living in someone’s house I would have expected at least a months notice to find somewhere else to live especially if there was another room to sleep in during that time.
I would agree that if he’s moved out then having the DSC at yours isn’t your problem though. How long since he moved out? I’d give him at least a couple of months to move their stuff; the rental market is brutal at the moment especially for a single tenant

LolSpinner · 22/10/2023 20:22

How old is your child? Aren't they missing the stepkids?

HaddawayAndShite · 22/10/2023 20:22

MumblesParty · 22/10/2023 20:03

Exactly. It speaks volumes I think. And I suspect of the sexes were reversed the responses on here would be very very different.

Show quote history

So OP should stick with a man with abusive tendencies because he can’t arrange a hotel room for the day or take them out? Fucking hell man.

Paperpurple · 22/10/2023 20:27

Have you any relationship with the kids?
It sounds like you've been in their lives a long time, possibly since they were 2 and 4 if you've been with DP for 7 years.
And you've been more or less their stepmother for a long time too as he has them 50:50.
I think it would be a decent thing to do to make this transition as easy as you can for all the kids - the SC are your child's half siblings after all and presumably they will maintain a relationship.

AuntMarch · 22/10/2023 20:30

When did you tell him you wanted to separate? Did he have time, or did you immediately wash your hands of him and his older children?

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/10/2023 20:32

rwalker · 22/10/2023 20:20

It’s about the kids not him
Seeing the affect it’s had on my friend who lived with his mum and stepdad for 10 years
and when mum and stepdad separated he just disappeared from his life years later it still upsets him now

being male or female has nothing to do with it
its about being part of a child’s life for years and how you deal with it going forward of course it will change and come to an end
but living with some 50% of the time for 7 years then no contact no wonder we have so many emotionally screwed up kids

Show quote history

Yep. I have a friend who pretty much had a breakdown when her stepdad left and cut off all contact.

OP has every right to end the relationship and kick him out but those kids have now lived through two family breakups, and it looks they’re never going to see their stepmum or their other home again. Will they see their half sibling? Get their personal belongings back? This isn’t OP’s fault and it’s complicated and no neat answer that doesn’t leave OP bailing out her useless ex DP, but also… poor kids.

1990thatsme · 22/10/2023 20:33

YANBU

Also, I wouldn’t want him in my house seeing DD. He should take her to his or take her out.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2023 20:38

@practicallyhello

I don't see why your Ex shouldn't be able to meet the mid-Nov deadline. If he can't find a friend/relative to store it for him then he needs to rent a storage unit for it. Although if possible I think any personal possessions or special decor items should be offered to the mum to collect for the SC.

RethinkingLife · 22/10/2023 20:38

Is it plausible the ex-DP is concerned that he will now need to pay maintenance if he's no longer 50-50 residence and the children are full time with their mother (although it seems as if this arrangement has not met with her approval)?

I've no idea how young the OP's child is or what sort of relationship there is with the half-siblings.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/10/2023 20:38

It is sad for the children but this is the reality of blending families and relationship breakdowns.
Op has a responsibility to herself and her son first and perhaps contact with the stepchildren can be looked at later on when their mutual father has found his own accommodation and they can visit each other again.
For now op has the right to keep her boundaries and make sure they are not broken.

itsgettingweird · 22/10/2023 20:39

You've spent half of the week with them for over half their lives.

They are your DCs siblings.

And you want to just cut them out of your life?

Swap the rooms, that's understandable.

But I couldn't just cut contact with the children. For my own DCs sake.

He clearly has plans to find somewhere so the siblings can spend time together with him. It's not a forever plan he's asking for.

Beautiful3 · 22/10/2023 20:40

Of course you're not being unreasonable at all. I'd pack up all their things into boxes and put them in the small bedroom. Move your child into the bigger bedroom. Tell your ex, that everything needs collecting by x. I would give him 4 weeks, that's more than reasonable. If he doesn't collect, I'd send a warning message that I'd donate them to charity on week 5.

skippy67 · 22/10/2023 20:40

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 22/10/2023 19:48

Does your child not miss everyone? Must be a confusing time for the children

What a silly comment.

welcometothnuthouse · 22/10/2023 20:45

Beautiful3 · 22/10/2023 20:40

Of course you're not being unreasonable at all. I'd pack up all their things into boxes and put them in the small bedroom. Move your child into the bigger bedroom. Tell your ex, that everything needs collecting by x. I would give him 4 weeks, that's more than reasonable. If he doesn't collect, I'd send a warning message that I'd donate them to charity on week 5.

I would ask him to collect the dc's personal things , toys etc so they can go back to mum. The beds and furniture would be on a time limit [written copy to him] in the small bedroom, on the understanding he collects the stuff or a charity will collect it.
You could see see the sdc on neutral ground though. I wouldn't cut them off but there would be no staying at my home and certainly not ex over the threshold.

welcometothnuthouse · 22/10/2023 20:48

skippy67 · 22/10/2023 20:40

What a silly comment.

Show quote history

Why is it silly? OP's dc must wonder where the half siblings are especially as they were there half a week,🤔

BrightLightTonight · 22/10/2023 20:48

Completely unreasonable. I’m guessing that over the last few years you have built up a relationship with you step children, so you can’t just cut them oyt. This isn’t about your partner snd you - it’s about the kids.

Snazzysausage · 22/10/2023 20:52

So exdp wants you to have his children at your home,where was he going to be in all this? At your home as well or was his plan for just the kids to stay with you for half the week?

HamBone · 22/10/2023 20:53

welcometothnuthouse · 22/10/2023 20:45

I would ask him to collect the dc's personal things , toys etc so they can go back to mum. The beds and furniture would be on a time limit [written copy to him] in the small bedroom, on the understanding he collects the stuff or a charity will collect it.
You could see see the sdc on neutral ground though. I wouldn't cut them off but there would be no staying at my home and certainly not ex over the threshold.

Show quote history

I think this is a good compromise, @welcometothnuthouse . The OP is in a very awkward situation and presumably her child would like to stay in contact with their half-siblings.

But, if the OP continues to let them stay at her house for half the week, wouldn’t that be more confusing for the DC and isn’t it difficult legally as the OP isn’t their parent/legal guardian? Who would be responsible for them while they lived in her home?

Is her ex hoping that she’ll also let HIM half the week to look after his children …and then possibly worm his way back into her life?

AllstarFacilier · 22/10/2023 20:55

Why would OP have any responsibility for the stepkids going forward? I’d be pleasant towards them and encourage a relationship with DC, but they aren’t her responsibility.

billy1966 · 22/10/2023 20:55

Absolutely not your problem.

Well done for getting rid of him.

Well done for not making his problem yours.

His children have two parents.

Cut him off completely if he tries to guilt you, the cheek of him.

These wasters always make THEIR children, YOUR responsibility.

He should have thought of all his children when he was treating you so poorly.

Don't entertain him for a minute.

happylittlesloth · 22/10/2023 20:55

Absolutely not your problem and it will mess the kids up to suddenly be in your life again

Swipe left for the next trending thread