Page 5 | to say its not my problem anymore?

practicallyhello · 2023-10-22T18:35:41+00:00

Kicked out DP. Together 7 years, one young child together. The house is owned by me, we were originally renting and then I received an inheritance and I bought the house we are currently living in with the money. He is staying with a friend. No cheating or abuse but we are not compatible and the way he behaves toward me and talks to me is very questionable. I believe he has controlling tendancies even though he'd never go so far as to actually try and stop me from doing things if that makes sense I.e. trying to make me feel guilty so that I'll willingly not do things he doesn't want me to do. Anyway the AIBU is because he has two other children who are 9 & 11 who he shares care 50/50 with his ex. He is now trying to guilt me about this because I haven't let them back here to stay since I chucked him out and its not possible for them to stay at his friends (he's on their sofa at the min) meaning he's getting it in the neck from their mum. He is trying to say I should continue to let them stay until he finds somewhere else which he's trying to do as quickly as possible because they have rooms here etc. I have said no sorry its no longer my problem. It may be inconvenient but they do have a perfectly good home with their mum for the meantime until he has somewhere else for them to stay. Fwiw it's the same situation with our DC, he either comes here for a little bit to see our child or he takes them out for tea, it's inconvenient for me too that he can't have them stay yet but it is what it is at the moment.

funinthesun19 · 23/10/2023 11:30

practicallyhello · 23/10/2023 08:45

Thank you! Feel better now.

I do get why it's annoying for his ex, she works nights a lot (NHS job) but it's not my problem anymore.

I agree his other ex’s work commitments aren’t your problem.

You’re a single mum yourself now. Your ex’s ex’s life isn’t something you should have to even be thinking about. Hopefully she has her own support network for the time being to see her through, but you personally should put her to the back of your mind now. If she wants to go mad at anyone then she has the culprit behind her dilemma for that - her children’s father.

Pixiedust1234 · 23/10/2023 11:48

practicallyhello · 23/10/2023 08:45

Thank you! Feel better now.

I do get why it's annoying for his ex, she works nights a lot (NHS job) but it's not my problem anymore.

Well I can see a perfect temporary solution right there. He sleeps in her house during her night shifts. Gets to see his kids plus she can still work. Definitely a better solution than you looking after his kids without him. What cheek!

sweetgingercat · 23/10/2023 12:25

It’s not your problem but I hope it doesn’t impact your DCs relationship with their sibling…

Pixiedust1234 · 23/10/2023 12:46

sweetgingercat · 23/10/2023 12:25

It’s not your problem but I hope it doesn’t impact your DCs relationship with their sibling…

Why would it? Their father can ensure that doesn't happen. You know...the actual parent of all three.

Original poster

practicallyhello · 23/10/2023 13:53

sweetgingercat · 23/10/2023 12:25

It’s not your problem but I hope it doesn’t impact your DCs relationship with their sibling…

I don't think there is any way for a separation to not affect any of the children involved sadly. But I also don't think acting like nothings happened and continuing to let them stay here is going to solve anything either. As well as the fact I'd just resent the extra work and stress.

I've sent him a message today saying to ask their mum if they want to come and get anything this weekend from their room and if not it'll all go in my spare room until mid Nov when I'll have to let it go if he doesn't sort storage of it / have anywhere for it. I'm going to start moving DCs stuff into there this weekend I think. We need a change around.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 23/10/2023 14:03

sweetgingercat · 23/10/2023 12:25

It’s not your problem but I hope it doesn’t impact your DCs relationship with their sibling…

A few weeks/months out of their childhoods where they don’t sleep in the same house as each other isn’t going to affect their relationship at all.

In the meantime their dad can take them all out to places together or to his parents so they still see each other.

funinthesun19 · 23/10/2023 14:15

practicallyhello · 23/10/2023 13:53

I don't think there is any way for a separation to not affect any of the children involved sadly. But I also don't think acting like nothings happened and continuing to let them stay here is going to solve anything either. As well as the fact I'd just resent the extra work and stress.

I've sent him a message today saying to ask their mum if they want to come and get anything this weekend from their room and if not it'll all go in my spare room until mid Nov when I'll have to let it go if he doesn't sort storage of it / have anywhere for it. I'm going to start moving DCs stuff into there this weekend I think. We need a change around.

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I think you’re being more than reasonable. You’ve given him a timescale now, and you’ve given the children an opportunity to get their things. He has about a month now, and if he hasn’t made progress in that time then he’s taking the piss. You want to use that space.

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 14:16

I’d imagine if his kids aren’t able to stay with him then he is liable for higher maintenance as well. As harsh as it sounds it is not up to you to facilitate him seeing his kids. I feel that if you do then he will continue to use you and you’ll find this will drag on for months

JaneGainsborough · 23/10/2023 14:51

paintingvenice · 23/10/2023 14:16

I’d imagine if his kids aren’t able to stay with him then he is liable for higher maintenance as well. As harsh as it sounds it is not up to you to facilitate him seeing his kids. I feel that if you do then he will continue to use you and you’ll find this will drag on for months

Oh, I hadn't thought of that! I bet you're right. He sounds like a tight fisted, disorganised piece of work.

whynotwhatknot · 23/10/2023 15:20

same thing happened with my dsil-had opportunity to move to his parents said he was too old for that so sees his children sporadically

its pathetic they think of tghemselves

Rosecoffeecup · 23/10/2023 15:32

I may have missed it in your posts, but how long since you kicked him out? 2 weeks, or is that how long you've given him to clear the stuff out?

He might be taking the piss, but equally it can be difficult to find somewhere to move in to immediately? If he's actively looking for somewhere then I'd probably give some concession.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2023 15:53

practicallyhello · 23/10/2023 13:53

I don't think there is any way for a separation to not affect any of the children involved sadly. But I also don't think acting like nothings happened and continuing to let them stay here is going to solve anything either. As well as the fact I'd just resent the extra work and stress.

I've sent him a message today saying to ask their mum if they want to come and get anything this weekend from their room and if not it'll all go in my spare room until mid Nov when I'll have to let it go if he doesn't sort storage of it / have anywhere for it. I'm going to start moving DCs stuff into there this weekend I think. We need a change around.

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Great decision and good message! Put it on the children's actual parents to sort out their children's belongings!

I also think that getting the room swap done this weekend is a good idea. Make it a 'fait accompli' as soon as possible so there will be no more 'they have a room there, why can't they stay with you and I'll visit at your house'.

I know you've said that you have no communication with the SC's mum. Do you think that she might be 'more open' to communicate with you now that she knows you've separated? Are you even sure she does know? If he's trying to keep the facade of 50/50 he may not even have told her.

billy1966 · 23/10/2023 16:11

Well done OP.

The sooner the rooms are moved around the better.

It is 100% up to him to facilitate a relationship between the siblings.

It has nothing to do with you IMO.

No doubt he would love to make it a you problem though.

RB68 · 23/10/2023 16:12

At the end of the day he can get storage for the room stuff short term until he finds somewhere. Sounds like he was a bit of a cock lodger to be honest

ManateeFair · 23/10/2023 16:33

It isn't technically your problem, no. You don't have any material obligation to his children.

However, it does sound very much as if you put up with the relationship when you were renting together, but then effectively decided to kick him out and make him homeless with no notice when you were lucky enough to come into some money and didn't need his financial contribution any more, so I think if I were in your ex's position, and had effectively been made unable to fulfil my role as a parent, I would be pretty aggrieved at the effect this would obviously have on my children.

So while you don't have any obligation to his kids, I do feel extremely sorry for them because they've had their lives turned upside down, and their access to their dad drastically diminished, through no fault of their own (or his own). It certainly isn't your problem on any legal or material level, but I don't think I could be quite as dismissive about the situation as you appear to be in your post.

funinthesun19 · 23/10/2023 17:00

(or his own)

It is his own fault. If OP was putting up with the relationship then he must have been doing x y z to make OP unhappy and she just stuck around because it was hard to get rid.

His actions have led him to his current circumstances and the circumstances of his children, so yes it is his fault.

My ex complains about his life now, even 4 years later after me kicking him out. His own fault he is where he is in life.

notlucreziaborgia · 23/10/2023 17:20

ManateeFair · 23/10/2023 16:33

It isn't technically your problem, no. You don't have any material obligation to his children.

However, it does sound very much as if you put up with the relationship when you were renting together, but then effectively decided to kick him out and make him homeless with no notice when you were lucky enough to come into some money and didn't need his financial contribution any more, so I think if I were in your ex's position, and had effectively been made unable to fulfil my role as a parent, I would be pretty aggrieved at the effect this would obviously have on my children.

So while you don't have any obligation to his kids, I do feel extremely sorry for them because they've had their lives turned upside down, and their access to their dad drastically diminished, through no fault of their own (or his own). It certainly isn't your problem on any legal or material level, but I don't think I could be quite as dismissive about the situation as you appear to be in your post.

You’d think that, as a parent, he’d have made sure that housing himself and his children wasn’t dependent on being in a relationship with OP.

That he didn’t is his fault and his problem.

Original poster

practicallyhello · 23/10/2023 18:03

I don't think it's strictly true to say it's through no fault of his own. He had the choice to be a better partner and he chose not to. I don't feel obliged to house him because he chose to be a twunt and doesn't own his own house.

OP posts:

Original poster

practicallyhello · 23/10/2023 18:03

He moved out two weeks ago, so we've been separated 4 in total.

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 23/10/2023 18:14

skippy67 · 22/10/2023 20:40

What a silly comment.

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Not at all silly! Of course the poor children will be confused.

A month's notice isn't much.

Pleaseme · 23/10/2023 18:18

practicallyhello · 23/10/2023 18:03

I don't think it's strictly true to say it's through no fault of his own. He had the choice to be a better partner and he chose not to. I don't feel obliged to house him because he chose to be a twunt and doesn't own his own house.

I completely applaud you for your ability to make a decision and maintain strong boundaries. Much better to have a clean break than have him treat yo like a doormat for Tara to come.

I bet he’s investing heavily into online dating to find the next woman to parent on his behalf.

Original poster

practicallyhello · 24/10/2023 12:00

Thank you!

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funinthesun19 · 24/10/2023 13:17

Has he done pestering you about it now OP?