To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

[FuchsiaBottles]

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

Kick him out. This is your home. He has no right to enforce these kids on you.

He needs to move right back out again.

At 10 and 8, if they are neurotypical there’s no excuse for that kind of behaviour, and nobody’s doing them any favours by failing to set boundaries.

He’s got a bloody nerve sulking when he decided to cancel on you.

I honestly wouldn’t put up with a lifetime of being completely disregarded. Helping out needs to be agreed by everyone.

Does his sister know that you had a night out booked?

My DH was very similar. Whilst we were going out and not living together he carried on being a surrogate dad to his sisters several children (single parent by choice).

On the weekend he moved in with me, his sister got one of the kids to phone and ask where he would be taking them that weekend. He happily arranged a day out and then told me. I told him I'd be staying in doing the ironing (deliberate choice of activity there as he knew I hated ironing!) He wasn't happy, but took them out anyway, claiming afterwards that I was missed.

His sister was clearly setting the scene for how she felt about him moving in with me and being potentially less available to her and her kids.

Fortunately, not long after, he had to discipline one of the kids for doing something really dangerous, She went ballistic, and they had a massive fall out. Thank god that happened because we haven't been troubled with them since and he finally saw the light!

If that hadn't happened I know we would have split up.

However, his ability to say "no" to anyone else when they need something doing has continued throughout our marriage and is really the only thing we argue about. And it's nearly destroyed me. It's a horrible way to live.

You need to set firm boundaries now OP, it really doesn't get any better if you don't.

I would have a serious falling out with him for unilaterally canceling your restaurant plans in the absence of a grade A emergency.

Suggests he does not take his commitments to you seriously. Would he do that to his boss at work?

Poor bloody kids, their parents are doing them no favours at all.

Your boyfriend needs to stop being 'fun/lazy uncle' and be the kind of uncle who shows them the potential of life and how to work with it. So, start with the easy ones and impose some limits on poor behaviour because at some point life is going to bite the little buggers on the arse and they won't know how to cope. Small children do not need relatives to be friends, they need love and boundaries from them and a safe place to talk about things their parent struggles with.

It's absolutely fine for him to want to look after his nephews and spend time with them and help out his sister. What he hasn't yet got his head round is how it impacts you as well. I'm taking it wasn't an issue before he moved in?

He now needs to ask you as well if it's convenient. If he wants to have them ever other week then maybe he should setup a regular time with his sister, so she gets a break.
And then emergency childcare only, ie if she need to take one to hospital and the other needed looking after.

I'd be very annoyed he cancelled your plans, he should have said he was already busy.

Also if you are going to be an adult in there lives, tell them off maybe set some ground rules for your house. Kids can easily get used to different rules in different houses.

I wouldn't let him have them over if your trying to work either, that's just not fair on anybody.

He needs to say no they don't behave and tell their parents they need to discipline them.They should have paid for the iPad. They will never learn actions have consequence's.

His nephews aren't the problem as such but they are showing you that DP is fecking useless and manipulative.

He's showing you how your children will be raised by him (or not). If you want to be a resentful single parent then carry on but stop complaining. You've glimpsed the future.

OP can you answer why you moved him in to your home? Do you find sulking men attractive?

Im so glad you still went out for dinner OP! Of course you weren’t going to cancel your plans without being consulted.

Fair enough if he wants to babysit his nephews once a fortnight but this should be planned in advance and in consultation with you. So no babysitting whilst either of you are working and no cancelling plans. You both need to agree on rules for the children whilst they are with you and inform the children of the rules.

He should absolutely be buying you a new iPad and handbag. How would he feel if you invited a mate round and they bought their dog which cocked its leg and pissed in his Xbox, rendering it broken…

Also…are you planning to have kids one day? Your parenting styles sounds incompatible at present …

What do you want to do OP?

you can tell your P to move out and continue dating if you want.

you can tell him to move out and call it a day.

you can sit around creating threads on mumsnet and do nothing.

he sounds like a wet lettuce. Do you want kids at some point? What’s his views on parenting his own children?

Use every form of contraception known to man simultaneously because it would be a bloody stupid thing to have kids with him!

The sisters taking the piss and DH is being a mug.

Its lovely that he looks after his nephews but he already had plans that evening and should have said no to his sister.

What was the sister going to do, she wouldn’t have imploded, she would have just sucked it and took care of her own kids.

I’m a single parent and have never needed as much support as the sister seems to.
I think her and her DH are pulling a fast one.

I’m so glad you went to the restaurant without him.
Do this every single time.

There needs to be a rule that there are no visitors when you’re WFH.
If he cannot abide by that rule, then he needs to move back out.

I completely agree with this.

Kids will be feral kids if not disciplined
Discipline is best started early
You will still be loved as parents and you will have DCs who know how to behave (most of the time!) if you provide firm boundaries.
If DP does not see that discipline is important for keeping DCs safe, educateable, happy and valued adults of the future then maybe he needs to realise that this relationship with OP, his home and his current happiness may be about to be turned upside down.

So the house has rules
No shouting
No bad behaviour
And if these are broken then they are taken home immediately, even if that means sitting outside SILs house in a cold, boring car until she gets home. (In fact that would be a very effective learning point for them - DCs and SIL!)

At 8 & 10 they both need boundaries.. The whole family aren’t doing them any favours by letting them behave like pack animals.
Set your own boundaries, Your house, your rules, if he doesn’t like it then tough. He finds somewhere else to let them run riot in but it ain’t going to be yours.

1. They keep their hands off your stuff, you shouldn’t have to hide your iPad away.
2. they ask before borrowing anything, they respect it while they have it and give it back when asked.
3. They stay out of your work room, they don’t hammer on the door. You are working.
4. If he can’t or won’t agree to this then he’ll have to find somewhere else to entertain them. Don’t let him or them walk all over you.

Ugh... no.

I have issues with, basically everything here.

• 'they get the stress 24/7' - well yes, they chose to have two children. Don't want stress all the time, don't have 'em!
• 'she can't afford to pay for breakages' - fine, but as he is the one in charge of the children when those breakages happened he should pay for them. Their mums lack of finances is not the issue here!

I would be having a Big Chat here - either he commits to taking responsibility for them when he has them (ie, he is available, not working, he actively supervises, he pays for damages)... and agrees that he doesn't ditch long-standing plans with you for last minute requests from her...

Or he can fuck off.

Having them once a fortnight is not really a big deal if he is actively supervising, entertaining them, etc.

Having them at the drop of a hat when he is unable to supervise, not willing to entertain, dropping you for them and allowing them to be disruptive and break your stuff is a MASSIVE deal and totally unreasonable!

Absolutely this.

The childrens behaviour is not normal 3 and 4 year old behaviour, not to mind 8-10.

Your partners behaviour isn't normal because he blames you for your property being smashed in your own home by HIS nephews.

Your behaviour isn't normal because you are tolerating this.

A woman with self esteem would NOT tolerate this more than once.

She would tell him that he needed to mind them outside your home as the children are feral.

She would also realise that she is not his priority and just as he is a Disney uncle who couldn't care less about his partner, he will be a selfish waster as a father.

He's a dud that needs to move back out.

You are spectacularly naive not to see the link between him moving into yours and your home now being used for childcare irrespective of whether you have an opinion on it or not.

You are involved with a fxxked up family and you are going to bitterly regret your involvement long term if you continue with this relationship.

This guy has so many red flags, sulking because you didn't cave in to his demands eventually you'll find yourself caving just because you want an easy life, check up on red flag signs and see how many he ticks please don't do this to yourself

Tell you DP that he should watch his nephews at their house. Don’t offer to help. If he’s wfh anyway he can work from there. You’re not being unreasonable. They sound very badly behaved and his sister is taking the piss. I’m glad you went up the restaurant anyway.

Fortunately, not long after, he had to discipline one of the kids for doing something really dangerous, She went ballistic, and they had a massive fall out. Thank god that happened because we haven't been troubled with them since and he finally saw the light!

That's a scenario that most teachers will recognise, 'I don't discipline my children so no-one else must either', usually from the worst parents, the sort who only come to school to complain and are missing for Parents' Evenings and anytime where volunteers are needed. but they can always tell the volunteers what they're doing wrong.

I’m not altogether surprised to hear that, are you?

I guess you could try that tactic yourself? (Just the losing your temper and shouting, obviously don’t hit them)

The fact he hasn't replaced the damage items tells you EXACTLY the type of loser you have moved in.

Why would his feral family care about your belongings, HE doesn't.

Your bar is really really low tolerating this.

You will bitterly regret doing so.

YOU are not his priority.

YOUR home definitely is of use to him.

I would be very cautious about having your own children with your DP as it will be an absolute nightmare. It's stressful enough being a parent without being on different pages when it comes to discipline and acceptable behaviour. You will always be bad cop and he will always be disney dad.

Honestly, if I wanted children, at a minimum I would have to have to insist he started counselling and gained some insight and desire to change. But honestly, unless there was substantial insight, I would move on.

Please make sure your contraception is bomb proof.