To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

[FuchsiaBottles]

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

Why did you moved in with him??
he wants you to share the childcare burden for his nephews. Why would you do it to yourself??

His sister probably wouldn't be so stressed put of she hadn't raised such badly behaved brats.

I wouldn't stand for this at all.

I agree with PPs who've suggested he baby-sit them in their house or take them out somewhere.

He also needs to stop with the 'we should all just be friends' crap. I feel sorry for these boys' teachers.

Your husband is so wet. Why didn't he say you have plans. That would really give me the ick!

I have zero clue as to why you even let him move in. He would rather cater to his sister's whims and wants instead of keeping plans with you that were made in advance. That speaks volumes as to where you stand on the totem pole; below himself, his sister and his bratty nephews. Sounds like the run feral at your house and at theirs. I think that you are odd woman out in the lifestyle your NVDP is living. He still owes you for the Ipad & the purse. It's YOUR house and YOUR rules and you can keep things where YOU want. If he is incapable of reining in the feral nephews, then they should not be allowed at your house. They sound like more trouble than they are worth.

I am very glad you went out with your friend and I hope you had a nice time. Now please value yourself much better than you have been by showing this dud to the door. You deserve better.

They sound like my nephews who are wild albeit 5&4 but i love them to pieces and i would prioritise them over anything including a planned meal out. And thats ok, thats my choice. Just as its your choice not to want that for yourself, so it sounds like your boyf has made his choice and you need to make yours

This is insane. They’re not entitled to childcare!

It's always comes back to the stupid xbox that I dream of destroying myself and the ice cream place that's close to here. They have a Nintendo switch in their house and the xbox here. DP's "routine" with them is xbox > ice cream. The older one doesn't want to go to the park or anywhere else so xbox it is.

I usually am out of the house when they're here and DP cleans up after them so it's usually an "out of sight, out of mind" scenario for me. Occasionally I show up for the ice cream part where they're fine so it doesn't bother me then. It's times like yesterday and when he accepts having them at times when I am at home either working or relaxing that's a major cause of friction!

Sorry haven't read all the replies, but OP don't be afraid to discipline the kids in your own house. Most kids take the piss and push boundaries, they see your house as somewhere they can run wild. Like knocking on the door while you work. Go and F them out of it, make sure they know if they ever do this again you will take their tablet or whatever and follow through. More than likely that will teach them a lesson. I know its not your role to parent them and not at all a solution to your issue but it's something to consider.

You need to put yourself first and end this relationship. In your subconcious you might be holding onto the relationship because you have invested your time, emotions and money so it feels strange to cut loose but he’s not the man for you. You need to listen to your gut instincts and put yourself first. Women are constantly expected to doormat and behave as free childcare and he’s using your pity to justify his actions e.g. my sister is skint etc. If you are planning a family for yourself than he is definitely not dad material. Its best to end this relationship like pulling off a plaster. Being dad means evaluating a situation factually. He’s incapable of that. Its not a nephew problem but a useless tool problem ( him, he’s the tool). X

So many parents have no one to call on for help and support, ever.

It doesn’t even sound like there’s much gratitude.

If you think your relationship with DP is going to go the distance, you could lean into it - youth is such a good time to form close bonds with extended family. In 15 years they’ll be lighting up your lives with takes of their adventures out in the world.

Work boundaries need protected though.

I actually think your DP is a good guy who is trying very hard to be a loving uncle to his nephews. His main problem is him understanding that it's ok for him to set some boundaries with his sister. I wonder if he subconsciously worries that sister will not having coping skills if he doesn't provide instant respite, and that his nephews will suffer the consequences of an exhausted/abusive mother, like he and sister did as children.

I would approach this differently from most PPs. Tell him you admire his drive to support his family whenever they need help - but that now you are living together, you are also family and he needs to remember your needs individually and as a couple as well as his sister's needs. It's ok for him to say "yes we can take nephews to give you a break, but from Sunday morning as we have a date booked Sat night", or "I would love to help out, but DP and I are working that day and it has been an issue entertaining little Tommy which did unfortunately cause problems with our work, so we could only take him from 6pm next time- or give me a bit more notice, I could take the afternoon off".

I think he just isn't recognizing that not everyone will be as enthralled by his nephews as he is, and that now you are officially a couple, he should run things by you - as you would run things by him before agreeing to let the neighbour bring two muddy labradors in to play in the house!

The big deal is that he had made a prior commitment to you and a booking, so he was not free to offer childcare. That was time for you as a couple, who might one day become a family unit. You're not inferior and on call! You deserve respect. And a future.

He could sulk all he wanted, I would have gone too. Especially because he bailed on a commitment to you to look after the children. I'd consider whether I wanted that to be my life.

Have only read OP's posts, so will probably be repeating others pp.

So, his mother used to be default childcare, until she yelled/smacked the extremely undisciplined duo; your DP and his sister then went NC with their mother. You "tell [yourself] that DP and his sister had a bad time growing up" - interesting wording - 'you tell yourself' rather than 'DP has told me'. Sounds like you don't really know if they had a bad time or not. I'm also wondering if the NC is just a plain old huff because their mother has chosen to not be childcare to two undisciplined whirlwinds.

How long was there between you getting together with DP, and him/his sister going NC with their mother? And how long between the NC, and him moving in with you? Because I can't help but feel that you are the one viewed as default childcare, not your DP. He sulked, because "he was left alone to run around after his nephews" - he expected you to do the running around, didn't he?

"DP will not tell off his nephews no matter what because he thinks we should all be friends and he doesn't want his nephews to grow up disliking their "strict uncle"."
Well I suppose a Disney Uncle makes a change from all the Disney Dads. But it does mark him out as a future Disney Dad should he become a dad, doesn't it? He'll never discipline his own children, never set them boundaries. No, that'll be down to their mum, whose task will be twice as hard because the children will be getting mixed messages. Good parent bad parent, boo! to mummy. I wouldn't be the mother to his father for all the tea in China!

"DP has recently moved in with me."
Move him straight back out again. This man is not a keeper. He will continue to let his nephews destroy your home and your belongings, and that's just not on. The banging on the door when you were working is beyond disrespectful. It doesn't really matter where his 'kids will be kids' attitude came from, he won't be changing his attitude no matter how much you push back, so save yourself the time - move him out, and dump his Disney arse.

This. I hope you're not thinking of having children of your own with your useless DP - you're getting a preview of how hopeless he'd be as a father.

If I were you I'd be selling the xbox to put towards the cost of your new ipad, by the way.

See all of this was fine when he lived on his own. Now he's living with you he needs to realise that he can't just make decisions around providing childcare (or anything else that affects you) like he's living on his own.

That can take an adjustment period but I think you both need to sit down together and agree boundaries around childcare that you're BOTH happy with. Yes it's reasonable for him to want to support his family and spend time with his nephews. It's also reasonable for you to want notice, for it to be worked around existing plans and for the kids to be supervised adequately while they're there. Id also agree that when he's wfh he isn't free to babysit.

I'd sit down and come to an agreement on what you can offer. Is it fortnightly but on set dates for example he says to his sister you'll take the kids the second and fourth Saturday of every month. Or is that too much. Do you agree to take them on the last Saturday of every month for example. So then you both know when you'll have them and can plan for that, you don't have to worry about short notice drops and dp is clear on what the boundaries are. I take my neice and nephew every 2 months for a full weekend to give dsis a break. It's good because I know to keep the weekend free and I plan what we're going to do to keep them entertained while they're staying with us.

Your dp shouldn't be cancelling your plans to babysit unless it's an emergency and he absolutely can't be angry that you still went out with your friend, I would have too. I think you need to also let him know how that made you feel because its one of those moments where he's without realising made you feel like less of a priority.

Ask him if he feels that way whether he thinks his sister will do the same in return when he has kids. (She won't).

That's the thing, that's what being parents is. His nephews aren't his responsibility and she's emotionally manipulating him.

Cheeky feckers who foist their kids onto their siblings all the time!

DP - we need to talk about you prioritising your sister over me and our relationship every time.
of course I don’t mi f you looking after nephews, but why do sister’s plans come before ours?
for this to work… they cannot come round when I am working from home.
anything they break, you pay for
agree with me when they are coming - I would do the same for you and not just invite people round

Actually, I call those excuses and rationalizations. Just because they had a hard time as children doesn't mean you raise feral, undisciplined brats. They cannot be so daft that they think the feral ones will just "grow-up" after years and years of the behavior they present. Because, they won't. They will become feral teens and then "adult" men who will think they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, to whomever they want without consequences. IOW--the next generation's Joran Van der Sloot.

Feel free to show your DP this thread, but honestly, I would step back while you can before they decide to move in because his sister and her DADH cannot handle them and don't wish to be bothered.

There is a reason the words, "RUN Forrest, RUN!" is used as an adage. Take heed of it and RUN the other way. Unless, of course, you won't mind them all destroying your house, your job, your life, your sanity.

I hadn't thought of that. "Can't have all these free babysitters becoming empowered!" 🤣

Maybe I'm impatient but I'd be laying down the law over this.

1. he pays for handbag and iPad or moves back out. They're not your kids or relatives and you shouldn't have to hide things from children that age. If it's applicable SEN then he should have talked you through safeguarding the place and ensured valuables were out of reach

2. why did his sister's night trump yours? they're her kids. I presume she chose to have them.

3. why TF would you want to cancel your long awaited dinner to have pizza with badly behaved kids?

4. he can make his choices last minute. You can't stop him but they do not impact upon yours hence he has no right to moan.

5. if he stays you want some boundaries in place to their behaviour or priorities

He's taking the piss. It's nice he loves his nephews but they don't have unrestricted access to your time or property and you don't have to drop everything and be delighted about them having unfettered access to his.

It seems to me that the boys are badly behaved because they have no boundaries. And their mum and DP can’t cope because the boys are badly behaved because they have no boundaries, because they have not installed boundaries.

And of course, trying to put any in place now, at 8 and 10 will result in more bad behaviour.

You couldn’t make it up! If your DP won’t impose boundaries on the boys at your house, he needs to either care for them elsewhere (I can’t see him actually carrying this through) or he needs to move out

And well done for not giving up on the night out. He has shown you exactly where you sit in order or importance. I would listen.