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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
BananaPyjamaLlama · 22/10/2023 14:15

I think your DP,his sister/husband and the nephews are all a problem.

Dp needs to learn to say no.
Sister/husband need to learn to get on with it themselves. Using your dp as childcare cos they need a break is pathetic.
Nephews behaviour - their parents clearly "need a break" from them due to their behaviour which clearly isnt good cos the parents havent taught them about boundaries and how to behave themselves.

BananaPyjamaLlama · 22/10/2023 14:16

And Id want them to cough up to replace the ipad.
Plus ditch the dp unless he suddenly magically develops a backbone.

SusanTheShocked · 22/10/2023 14:18

LoobyDop · 22/10/2023 11:37

I can’t see a scenario where this leads to a nice life for you, OP. You are always going to come second to the sister and the little shits. If you want kids, he’ll want to raise them in the same crap way. You’ll be the only adult, fighting an exhausting and demoralising battle. Or watching your nice kids getting bullied by their awful cousins. And if you don’t want kids… well, he’s effectively already taken that option off the table for you, hasn’t he? Your life is being ruled by them anyway.

Yep.

And I’ll bet my house that if you have dc with this drip then his sister won’t be looking after yours once a fortnight!

Puddingsandpilates · 22/10/2023 14:18

My sister had a baby and told everyone in the immediate family but me. Growing up, she's always treated me unkindly so in my 20s I put up boundaries with her. As we are now older I wanted to build closer bonds so we have been building our relationship and went on holiday together this year. Both my brother and her were rude to me on WhatsApp, which I set up between us 3 to organise a dinner as our other brother was over from New Zealand - so I left the group chat and said for them to organise the dinner between them. After that she then didn't wish me a happy birthday and as I now find out didn't tell me about her pregnancy. I feel hurt and don't know how to navigate this. I've had a lifetime of issues with her and I am tired of it, I feel this is the last straw. I feel excluding me over me leaving a WhatsApp group message is unbelievable. I feel like leaving her to. What and how should I navigate this?

Sothisiit · 22/10/2023 14:20

Your DH needs to establish some boundaries with his sister and learn that it's OK to say no especially at short notice and when he/you have plans.
You were right to go out and enjoy the meal you had be waiting for. To bad he was left on his own with the nephews. If he said yes then he also needs to understand it was him that excepted the responsibility not you.
Personally I'd lay down some house rules for them too, starting with offices being out of bonds and also general respect for your property.
Essentially it is his sister and spouse who had the children and your relationship doesn't need to suffer because if it.

Floppyelf · 22/10/2023 14:20

StaunchMomma · 22/10/2023 13:18

Cheeky feckers who foist their kids onto their siblings all the time!

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😂

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/10/2023 14:21

You have a massive DP problem. You are bottom of the list of priorities and don’t count.

He is a walking red flag. He is disrespectful of you, your time and your home and belongings. He is not a keeper. And is showing you how he would be as a parent. Make sure you have great contraception. Throw him back.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/10/2023 14:22

And children thrive best when they have form boundaries as it makes them feel safe and cared for.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/10/2023 14:22

Firm boundaries not form

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 14:25

Puddingsandpilates · 22/10/2023 14:18

My sister had a baby and told everyone in the immediate family but me. Growing up, she's always treated me unkindly so in my 20s I put up boundaries with her. As we are now older I wanted to build closer bonds so we have been building our relationship and went on holiday together this year. Both my brother and her were rude to me on WhatsApp, which I set up between us 3 to organise a dinner as our other brother was over from New Zealand - so I left the group chat and said for them to organise the dinner between them. After that she then didn't wish me a happy birthday and as I now find out didn't tell me about her pregnancy. I feel hurt and don't know how to navigate this. I've had a lifetime of issues with her and I am tired of it, I feel this is the last straw. I feel excluding me over me leaving a WhatsApp group message is unbelievable. I feel like leaving her to. What and how should I navigate this?

You need to start your own thread.

yogasaurus · 22/10/2023 14:25

Imagine being such a failure of a parent that you have to foist off your beasts (just so thanks to your lack of boundaries) and then they ruin other peoples lives, but who cares as you need a break from all the mistakes you made?

Run for the hills, OP.

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/10/2023 14:28

I know everyone's lives are different and times change, etc - but my parents wouldn't have dreamed of fobbing my brother and me off on relatives every fortnight so that they could "chill out".

They're doing this because they find their children's behaviour so appalling that they can't tolerate whole weekends with them. And it's because they've parented them really, really badly.

The OP's DP is compounding this by surrogate-parenting them badly. I would be sitting him down and saying this changes or he's back out of the door.

Todaysproblem · 22/10/2023 14:31

curtaintwitcher78 · 22/10/2023 11:17

Who on earth has voted that she's being unreasonable!

I did, because she is unreasonable to blame what her DP is doing on 2 kids.

PeggyPoggleshaw · 22/10/2023 14:36

They sound like horrible little shits. Your DP needs to discipline them and tell his sister that you're not at their beck and call whenever they need a childminder. If that doesn't work then you should give your DP an ultimatum - it's you or his nephews.

whynotwhatknot · 22/10/2023 14:37

sorry they had a a crap upbringing but thats still not your problem

if he wants to offer to have his nephews it should be when youre both free or youre not there-not when sis decides you0re having them

it would be a dealbreaker for me-if you have children learnto discpline them and look after them

PeggyPoggleshaw · 22/10/2023 14:39

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

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Tough shit, they're their bloody kids! They're not your responsibility.

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2023 14:43

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 13:09

It's always comes back to the stupid xbox that I dream of destroying myself and the ice cream place that's close to here. They have a Nintendo switch in their house and the xbox here. DP's "routine" with them is xbox > ice cream. The older one doesn't want to go to the park or anywhere else so xbox it is.

I usually am out of the house when they're here and DP cleans up after them so it's usually an "out of sight, out of mind" scenario for me. Occasionally I show up for the ice cream part where they're fine so it doesn't bother me then. It's times like yesterday and when he accepts having them at times when I am at home either working or relaxing that's a major cause of friction!

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But why are you putting up with it?

Puddingsandpilates · 22/10/2023 14:44

*apologies was honest mistake and didn't know how to delete.

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2023 14:44

Puddingsandpilates · 22/10/2023 14:44

*apologies was honest mistake and didn't know how to delete.

Report your post to MN and ask them to move it

KimberleyClark · 22/10/2023 14:45

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

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He shouldn’t feel bad, it was their choice to have children and he doesn’t owe them childcare. They sound really badly behaved, 8 and 10 is old enough to know to respect other people’s belongings.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2023 14:45

"He's upset that I went without him..........that he was left alone to run around after his nephews"

DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout........Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working.......kept hammering the door...... despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting"

@FuchsiaBottles

Read that. Read it again. It's obvious that DP expects you to be the de facto childcare. It's your job as a woman, right? And he expects you to be the de facto childcare to HIS (and his sister's) standards which so far has resulted in destruction of your property and a lot of mess.

Also, you were both WFH. So why was it that he 'couldn't' watch him but you (again, the woman) could?

You already know YANBU. And you should probably realize that IF you and DP should choose to have a child that his default position will be that all 'child related duties' will your job AND that he wants to be known as the 'fun' parent so discipline will all be on you. And BTW, how is the division of your domestic labour going? It's not really hard to shoulder the majority of housework, etc when it's just two people. Add a child into the mix and that workload increases 10 fold and gets heavier as the child gets older.

You need to have a long hard think about exactly what you want for the rest of your life. You may be with this man for 30, 40, 50 years. Will you be happy? Because I don't see him changing.

AluckyEllie · 22/10/2023 14:46

You need to sit down with your DP and lay down some ground rules. It is YOUR house not his. You are happy for him to have the nephews over but he needs to be responsible and pay for any damages. They are not your nephews, and you won’t be giving up your free time to care for them.

It might sound harsh but him sulking because you went out to dinner while he took care of them makes it seem like he expects you to help out with them. That’s a slippery slope..

Sceptre86 · 22/10/2023 14:49

I'd dump him. His values when it comes to kids and parenting (even if it's de facto) don't align with yours. It's just unnecessary headache for you. How much of a break do they need from 2 kids and why can't they use babysitters?

Nanaof1 · 22/10/2023 14:52

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 12:22

Yeah there was a big fallout. Mum lost control once and yelled at the kids and I believe smacked them so now it's all up to DP for childcare.

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Sounds like they got on grandma's last nerve. Everyone has a breaking point.

aloris · 22/10/2023 14:53

He:

Booked an obligation that conflicted with something he had already pre-arranged with you, and not only didn't show up for his date with you but expected YOU to cancel your thing too so HE wouldn't have to babysit by himself.

Allowed his nephews to break YOUR things in YOUR home and then blamed YOU for it.

Didn't pay for the stuff his nephews broke, nor did he ask his sister to pay.

Booked to babysit his nephews at YOUR home during YOUR work hours without asking you, and allowed their bad behavior to interfere with YOUR work but thought YOU should flex to HIS desire to give HIS sister a break at the expense of YOUR job.

This man does not respect you. Beware that if this continues, your ability to keep your job may be impacted. Letting the kids over while you were working, and then letting them bang on your door WHILE YOU WERE WORKING is totally unacceptable but again, you are the one being blamed.