To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

[FuchsiaBottles]

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

Stop making excuses for him! Simple solution,he moves out again.

It will get worse,not better over time.

DP and his family sound very dysfunctional and toxic and now you're being affected by it.

Letting kids run around like crazy destroying stuff isn't being kind or fair to them. It damages them.

If DP refuses to see this, he needs to move back out, as their dysfunction will drag you down.

It sounds like he’s annoyed that you have not saved him from his own inability to say no to his sister.

You went out with a friend instead. So he had to look after his challenging nephews on his own. You weren’t there to make that easier for him.

It doesn’t reflect well on him that he expects you to act as his support human and make his bad choices easier to bear.

Just keep leaving him to experience the natural consequences of not setting boundaries with his sister. Maybe he’ll figure out that he can and should say no. His sister can parent her own children. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Well maybe if they actually tried parenting and giving their children some behaviour guidelines/consequences for bad behaviour, they wouldn't be so fucking stressed. They sound awful!! They are not toddlers any more, they need to learn to behave!

Also, are you the one that has to clean up all the messes they made, after they leave?

I would end this now. It isn't going to get any better and it will tear you apart anyway.

He will never put you first.

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Fuck that. She had the kids and decided to have no boundaries so she can deal with the fallout.

He's a wet blanket and she's a manipulative shit.

This is your house?
If this is only one day every two weeks, it should be HIM having the kids.. not you... and why is he not stopping them from interrupting your work... or dies he have a VERY IMPORTANT JOB? ...this need not even involve you or your house... surely he can do childcare at their own home.
If they are really as bad as you are saying do not allow them in your house.
I would find this intolerable.
There is not a man on earth worth this.
And he should be replacing your ipad.

make sure you keep doing this OP, if he's going to cancel your joint plans to drop everything to be childcare so his sister can go out and have plans then he can't expect you to be happy about it or go along with it, keep up what you're doing and he may get the message.

You're a couple that lives together now, if what he is doing will impact you, he can't just agree to stuff without running it by you first, that's a bare minimum on co-habiting relationship standards.

He let them run wild and because you didn't step in and take over he's decided to sulk.
He'll be like this when you have kids. And they'll think he's the fun parent.

all up to DP for childcare.
Well no, it isn’t. It’s a choice.

Good luck if you’re ever planning on having kids with him, as this is exactly how he’ll parent.

Go out every single time they come round. Bill DP's sister for all the damage. Lock your good stuff in the car or tell him he must take them out somewhere. He's not close to his family, just being used by it and expecting you to join in.

I think he’s done you a favour.

You can’t seriously be thinking of marrying and having kids with this man, OP?

He will be Disney dad to the kids and expect you to do the parenting heavy lifting. Why did he expect your help eith his nephews?

Dump him now and get him out of your house, before the nephews trash your house any further.

Why should OP let her house be damaged?

DP should take his nephews put, they shouldn’t be welcomed in the house if they can’t behave.

Those ill-mannered little scrotes wouldn’t set foot in my house again. And if that’s a dealbreaker, so be it. Your partner’s permissive uselessness has given me ick-by-proxy.

It’s pretty obvious that his sister and her DH can’t cope because they’re not making enough effort to parent the boys properly. If they were better behaved it wouldn’t be so stressful. Both non SEN, so no excuses not to manage their behaviour better.

Probably also one of those types of parents who thinks it’s up to teachers (and relatives) to bring up their children and they only have to feed and keep them entertained until they’re 18yrs old.

Honestly OP, throw this one back. You’re going to be stuck with these brats for several years (plus they might have more kids!) and what about your needs in all of this?

Also, if he thinks it’s ok to let kids run feral without discipline, then he’s going to make a shit parent and you’ll be left to do everything. Do not waste your time with this bozo.

If you don't want kids, tell him to move out until the nephews are a bit older. 2 or 3 years and they won't need childcare.

If you do want kids, find another partner. This whole situation sounds dysfunctional. You don't want your children to have these people for relatives. It will cause you huge amounts of stress.

Well I’m not surprised she lost her shit at the kids tbh 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

No need to bill the sister for damage.

The OP should hold her partner responsible for the consequences of his actions and choices. If he lets his nephews damage the OP’s stuff - he needs to rectify that ASAP.

He can take it up with his sister if he objects to being out of pocket for replacing iPads etc.

Or he can not let his nephews damage stuff. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He does know that most couples don't have this level of support and we certainly don't expect it at the drop of a hat, right?

Yes my family look after DS, e.g. in school holidays but it is agreed weeks in advance. And they might indulge him a bit but basic behaviour is expected

And hell, they're allowed to cancel too if they're ill, or in DSis case because work deadline looming.

Why can’t he go to theirs to babysit? I don’t understand why the kids have to come to your non-kid place rather than he go and be a babysitter. Much less disruptive for you. His sulking that you went anyway is a red flag though.

I’d ask him to move out - it will never work if he has no respect for you and your home.

"""FuchsiaBottles

I am doing some armchair psychology here but what I tell myself is that DP and his sister had a bad time growing up with their mother who they are both now NC with so that's the explanation for why he's so protective and won't say no to his sister and why they are so lenient, for lack of a better word, with the 2 boys.

The Mum who was good enough for childcare until she was no longer able?"""

I picked up on this ^ too

How strange 😁

I would also go for option one, amended to tell him to move out.

This will be your life until the kids are older (and by then maybe other nephews and nieces are in the picture) so you need to have a very frank conversation with him about priorities and you two coming first, no cancelling plans, no disturbing WFH, no running around and being noisy, if he is not able or willing to tackle this then it's better to go separate ways.