To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

[FuchsiaBottles]

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

“AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?”
Sorry OP, it’s the relationship with the DP that’s unsustainable. He doesn’t put you first. He should. And that’s just not arguable. Why sure you house with a guy who doesn’t put you first? Show him the door.

Just wanted to say good on you for going to the restaurant regardless!!

Do NOT have a child with this man.

Whose kids are they?
Who decided to have them?
DP is soft in the head. Rethink your partnership!

I really dont see why this is still your problem. You can ask your boyfriend to move out. You can continue relationship in peace, and he can have time for his nephews. If you ever decide to have children with him I do think youd be making a rod for your back with his disruptive nephews also around, coupled with his poor boundaries. Some men are just way too much hassle and its wise to not ignore that. Or you'll spend a lot of years that you can't get back, dealing with the disastrous consequences

I know a lot of people are saying if you have a child he will let them do anything they want. That's not the worst case scenario. It can go the other way where nephews can do anything they please while he is a hard disciplinarian to your own. I cannot tell you how damaging that is but my/our daughter's been in therapy for 3 years with very little improvement. It really broke her. I put my foot done about his nephew and he left. Good Riddance

It's not your problem any more though is it, op? Cos you're gonna kick him out??

He should move out and look after them at his own place. He should pay for your iPad and bag repair/ cleaning.
he can’t expect for you to give up plans and help (or most likely look after the nephews yourself). This is a hill to die on.

This guy is unlikely to be a good dad if he applies the same child raising ‘logic’ to his own DC (which he will). If DC are on your card in the future then I suggest you don’t have them with him.

Raising kids is stressful enough when you and your partner are on the same page. Your differing parenting styles will be a constant source of additional friction which your future relationship would struggle to survive.

Plus it sounds like he’s already annoying you in other ways, (the Xbox sounds like a bone of contention, as does prioritising his sister), even without the nephews being in the mix.

IMO you should be reconsidering this relationship entirely or, at the very least, the living together aspect.

Your husband needs to say YES if he must but needs to go to his sister's house. He can watch the boys run amok in their own home and go to sleep in their own beds.

Also he could set up a fortnightly kicking balls in a park or trampoline centre. It is not reasonable that the boys visit your home and trash your things.

Encourage your husband to be proactive and plan the intrusion but be ready to change the details of the childcare and to sometimes say, NO..

Yes you are being unreasonable to think his relationship with his sister is unsustainable. He is firmly bonded with his sister and won’t change things by suddenly developing the ability to say no to her.
It’s his relationship with you that is unsustainable if you don’t play ball the way he and his DS like.
You are sensible enough to realise that he and his sister have the exact same approach to raising children and that that it’s not one that you would ever condone. Good for you because the boys are being let down.
You also realise that you regularly come second once every two weeks when he won’t or can’t say no to her. He will always put her first as for some reason he’s scared of upsetting her and feels obliged to pander to her demands.
Not only that, he expects you to do the same and to share the same reaction when ever she imposes herself on your relationship.
He needs professional help to see what’s happening here but I doubt he will seek it or agree to it.

Not sure I could put up with this OP. It’s a very unhealthy dynamic.

DP thinks that we should treat his nephews like they're our friends but younger...

DP will not tell off his nephews no matter what because he thinks we should all be friends and he doesn't want his nephews to grow up disliking their "strict uncle".

FFS. If my partner's friends came over to our house and (1) banged loudly and persistently on my home office door when they knew I was on a work call (2) broke my laptop and didn't apologise/offer to repair or replace it and (3) wiped their dirty hands on my favorite handbag, they'd be banned from the house and I'd be seriously reevaluating the relationship if he allowed this to continue and then insisted on defending them and disregarding my objections to these activities.

You need to disappear \ be unavailable every time they come round. DP will soon tell his sister to make other arrangements if you're not on hand to offload the actual childcare onto!

For starters.. he moved in with you- whats with the men moving in with women, did he live with his mum or something

That also explains why he is acting like a simpleton

Probably just the people who think she needs to put her foot down and simply say NO

It's not a nephew problem, however awful their behaviour, it's a DP problem.

He's showing you where you stand and showing you he doesn't respect your time or work, and showing you that he will forever expect you to jump to his family's tune.

If you have children, I'd bet my bottom dollar that his sister would be offloading her children onto you all the way through your maternity leave and he'll be spineless and say "but you're at home with baby anyway so why are you being awkward". He'll also probably parent any of your children in this lazy and permissive way.

I'd LTB.

How do you get on with your SIL?

Any chance that she got wind of the fancy restaurant and deliberately sabotaged it because they can’t afford it?

V telling of your DP attitude to women when he sulked because you didn’t stay and pick up the childcare he had agreed to.

You do not share any core values with this man. This is your own home, processions, time, career, choices that he’s happy to trample over repeatedly and then sulk.

You are not his priority @FuchsiaBottles

It would be impossible to parent with this stubborn and spineless fool.

So you have to deal with consequences of his sister’s shitty parenting choices, screw that. The DP has to go! If DD invited people into our home and invited had wrecked my iPad, she’d be paying for it and she’s 16.

Its your home too and if he can’t control his nephews enough that they don’t damage items then he can babysit these terrors elsewhere. It he refuses then he needs to go, it is that simple.

This

It's not DP's nephews that are the problem, it's your DP. All he has to do is say 'no' but he won't. If it wasn't his nephews it would be something else, I'm sure.

There are quite a few things here but as someone with a not dissimilar situation - SIL who has no one else so we help out, plus a child who is very difficult. What we've found is:

Except in a genuine emergency, we don't do ad hoc childcare. He is high maintenance and we need to plan. In the same vein however, we DO have regular slots we take him - eg after school one day a week or if we're doing something we will offer to take him along. This allows us to plan, take time off work etc. This is really really important, especially also for our DC who love him but find him really hard work so they need to mentally prepare for his arrival.

We also absolutely DO impose boundaries and tell him off - and that goes for me and DH. Ironically, I am the adult in his life who is MOST likely to tell him off but I'm also one of his absolute favourite people in the world and, given the chance, would be glued to my side all the time (I'm not wild about that).

I think it's because while I do tell him off I find it quite easy to be very consistent with him (more so even than with my own children) - if he does X he gets a telling off, but if he does Y, he gets praise. Unfortunately, he gets very little consistency (praise or discipline) anywhere else because his parents are very erratic and his grandmother, who is around a lot, is very soft with him.

P has been shipped out of the house and out of the relationship. I don’t want the whole bloody gang over for Halloween

So you have split up and turfed him out? I would have too.

How did he react?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable he looks after his nephews. He’s right, his sister does need a break sometime and as her brother it sounds like he’s happy to give her that break. In the future when he has his own kids, no doubt he will be asking his sister to babysit sometimes.

if you had dinner planned he should have said “sorry no, we have plans tonight but we will be happy to do it another time” and arrange it with her.

their behaviour is not really the issue. Could be loads of reasons they behave like that and it’s up to you and him to put boundaries in place in your house.

your partner doesn’t always have to put you first as others have suggested. It’s fine to want to look after his nephews, just not on nights you’re already going out. You need to come to an agreement about how often you look after them. Once a fortnight doesn’t sound unreasonable to me and I wouldn’t have a problem doing that for my sister.

Excellent job OP.

That's EXACTLY how its done.