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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
pumpykins · 23/10/2023 20:17

That’s annoying. He should have said no, we have no plans but how about next week?

sister sounds like a CF! Who does that? Parent your bloody kids yourself

pumpykins · 23/10/2023 20:24

I think he needs to try something new

get them outside. Burning off steam and not eating sugar

thequeenoftarts · 23/10/2023 20:28

If I wanted to live with a pair of wild, feral creatures who have no manners, run around screaming, break things, cant be told no or disciplined, I have bought myself a few more cats or dogs, but even my animals get told no lol. I'd ask your DH to mind the kids at his sisters house and if his sister cant afford to pay for your ipad repairs then it is down to DH to do so. Not your issue if he cant say no to the little critters. Mind you I'd be moving him out pronto too, cos his lack of care and responsibility tohis nephews give me the ICK. Please do not have children with this man child, save yourself 21 years of hear break with this disney uncle

Phiface77 · 23/10/2023 20:31

I would not go along with this. Your DP is the problem, more than his nephews.
Just curious,but did he offer childcare services before he moved in with you?

helpplease01 · 23/10/2023 20:45

This! Honestly, fuck that situation. It’s going to end in disaster. You’re expected to host and babysit sit some random child. Are you out of your mind.????

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/10/2023 20:49

Ok, so DP either needs to go babysit at his sister's house for her, or he moves out of your place. This is not ok. His attitude would also make me think twice about the relationship.

pizzaHeart · 23/10/2023 20:50

curtaintwitcher78 · 22/10/2023 11:17

Who on earth has voted that she's being unreasonable!

It was my burning question too !

Buffs · 23/10/2023 20:51

It’s a dp problem, ask him to move out. In the meantime insist all babysitteing is done at his sister’s house.

Imenti · 23/10/2023 20:51

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:20

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Show quote history

Oh and his sister was forced to have these children and turn them into brats was she 🙄🙄🙄 some people have absolutely no family or outside help whatsoever! Not your problem if they can't cope with their own kids, being a parent is just stressful at times!

He needs to start putting boundaries in place and getting his sister to pay for damaged / broken items, otherwise you need to have a serious think about your future. Very difficult situation though, good luck xx

Findinganewme · 23/10/2023 20:54

I don’t think the sister or the nephews are the problem. They are not tearing you apart. It’s your partner.

As a grown man, your partner should;

  1. know that his nephews are badly behaved for their age, so not agree to have them during working hours, unless it’s a real emergency (eg medical for the other child/ parents ).

  2. understand that his relationship and your special plans as a couple, are precious. His sisters needs for babysitting / time out, are also important but should these requirements clash, he should know what to do.

  3. not sulk when you want to have a normal life, with your friends, as opposed to looking after someone’s else’s kids.

I agree with other posters. He should not have moved in. He should have reimbursed you for broken items.

it is lovely that he is close to his family, but as an adult, he should know a bit more about striking a reasonable balance.

MrsLighthouse · 23/10/2023 21:10

Your DP is the issue . You didn’t sign up for this when he moved in and even though l’ve got kids , l certainly wouldn’t be sending them someone else when l’d had a stressful week ( every week 😆 ) Keep putting boundaries in …he can’t agree to have them over til you agree, and with limitations . If he doesn’t appreciate your feelings then he’s a covert bully and happy to make you unhappy if he looks good or is doing what suits him. Not the man l’d want.

Scottsy200 · 23/10/2023 22:14

It’s not always SEN, sometimes kids are just w*nkers and this sounds like one of those times

Muslimamanlondon · 23/10/2023 22:17

I think he needs to move out if he cant have boundaries with family

n why don’t people treat wfh with same seriousness as if u were in the office ??

Jack80 · 23/10/2023 22:17

If you feel they are too much and partner wants to help. I would make sure I was busy and leave the responsibility to him

DriftingDora · 23/10/2023 22:47

I think it's obvious by now that the OP just wants to whinge and give us a few sentences of amateur psychology without any plan to do anything about the situation. She'll carry on being a doormat, partner will carry on being a selfish tw&& and the brother and sister-in-law will carry on sniggering whilst lumbering them with their babyish, ill-mannered, wrecking ball kids. The only one I feel sorry for is the grandmother - now she's served her purpose she's outed: good luck, OP, you're going to need it.

Hemax1 · 23/10/2023 22:55

I haven’t read all replies ( only OP’s)

I think you need to set some boundaries here. This is your home and also by the sounds of it your workplace.

realistically you cannot take care of the nephews if you are working - either of you. Hard no to them coming round at all. If he agrees childcare they have to be out of you home / workplace. And he cannot commit to helping out whilst he’s working - esp if it’s for his sister to chill.

secondly the behaviour - the kids are actually crying out for some boundaries. Boundaries mean you care what happens -to them and to the other people in their world. You can implement them without being mean and nasty, but kids will be kids suddenly grow up to teens will be teens and then very often into self centred adults ( they’ve been taught they can act exactly how they like with minimal consequences )

But I think the only way that you can start getting the situation under control is by having hard boundaries - non negotiable boundaries with your partner. They aren’t there at all when either of you is working. And then move from there. Once you DP has to say no to childcare it gets easier to do so at other inconvenient times ( as per the restaurant situation ).

I think for me if things didn’t start to change then I’d be questioning the future of the relationship with my DP. But you my have to tell him that with the subtlety of a sledgehammer as, in my experience, a lot of men aren’t great on picking up that’s where the situation is leading to.

good luck and I hope that you enjoyed your meal out!

Xiomara22 · 23/10/2023 22:55

So they’ve let kids be kids, made a rod for their own back. Get stressed with kids who won’t behave and lump them with someone else.. they chose to have kids, they should be looking after them. It’s nice they have people who will look after them
but expecting it is a step too far.

coconutpie · 23/10/2023 22:59

Echoing previous posters but he needs to move back out and pay for your iPad and handbag.

Cornishclio · 23/10/2023 23:00

Is this the only problem with him moving in or is this just one other issue to show you are incompatible? I suspect the gaming x box is also a source of friction in which case you may have to ask him to move out and you either live separately or break up. He sounds a bit wet and his sister is a CF. No wonder they cant cope with their kids if there is no boundaries. I am all for kids being kids but breaking other peoples stuff and refusing to keep quiet when you are working when they are perfectly old enough to understand that is not on.

Jazzhands7 · 23/10/2023 23:09

This is a great idea. He can look after them at his sisters house and they can go out for the night or overnight somewhere.

Just because he says yes to something doesn’t mean you automatically do.

Even though I get it, I am like your husband I just say yes to people when I feel bad for them without thinking it through, but I’m learning that if that decision puts pressure on your own life and close relationships you have to say no.

You can still say yes sometimes when it fits in with your life and is planned but it does sound like it’s having a negative impact on your relationship and your work.

DreamTheMoors · 23/10/2023 23:14

If they were well behaved that’d be one thing. That they’re running wild in your home is unacceptable.
I have two nephews exactly like this and they’ve broken antiques, destroyed carpet, and otherwise been little monsters.
If they behave like that in their own home, fine, but this isn’t their own home.
I finally had to lay down the law - you will too or continue to suffer.

Iateallthechocolate · 23/10/2023 23:18

If you don't want to dump him, maybe introduce some kind of exercise. So instead of xbox - ice cream it goes daily mile run ( like they do at school) - xbox - ice cream.
It uses some of the energy up.
Then for Xmas buy them the latest game console that MUST stay at their house, and look forward to them refusing to come over.

Avatartar · 23/10/2023 23:42

You need to ban them from YOUR HOUSE as they damage your belongings and deliberately disrupt your work. If DP wants to look after them he can but not in your house

Mulhollandmagoo · 23/10/2023 23:50

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 22/10/2023 12:31

Well, there's your solution! Give 'em a smack and they'll not be coming to yours anymore.

Just kidding.

Show quote history

This made me laugh way too much 😂😂

OP, you can't blam the kids because your boyfriend is a wet blanket! Did he really feel like he was justified in being cross with you for keeping to your plans? He cancelled on you because his sister wanted some downtime from her kids....he could have said 'sorry not tonight, I have plans' why the hell didn't he do that?

Yalta · 24/10/2023 00:41

FuchsiaBottles

3dogsandarabbit

The problem isn't the fact that his sister asks him to look after his nephews now and again, it's that he can't say no. He needs to put you first

We've had this argument multiple times and it always goes back to how he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time

But that is what parenting is. They signed up for this and if they can’t handle their own kids being kids. Why would they think others should have to.

Maybe just a little discipline might make their life a little less stressful. After all the oldest kid very soon won’t be a kid and a teen being a teen won’t suddenly mean they can teach them some discipline and they will respond

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