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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/10/2023 09:48

XelaM · 22/10/2023 18:43

If you're planning a future with this man, you will have to accept that his nephews are part of the family and that you will be their aunt. Leaving the house and acting like they have nothing to do with you doesn't bode well for your future together.

What's HE doing that 'bodes well'?

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/10/2023 09:49

@XelaM

lol

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/10/2023 09:50

I think you should probably just dump him OP

leave them to it

eish · 23/10/2023 10:10

I do not think you are compatible at all. You were not unreasonable at all to still enjoy the restaurant, your partner put his sister’s needs before your own, a simple sorry we are busy would have done.

I have no idea if you are planning to have children of your own one day but I think this is a clear indicator that it should not be with this man.

Emotionalsupportviper · 23/10/2023 10:13

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/10/2023 09:50

I think you should probably just dump him OP

leave them to it

THIS.

It will get worse and not better, and in your heart of hearts, you know it.

Nanaof1 · 23/10/2023 12:41

Gcsunnyside23 · 23/10/2023 09:35

Have you told your partner that you're actually reconsidering your relationship over this situation? It might give him perspective on how he should react accordingly. Also have you had a chat about parenting your own hypothetical children and that you won't accept him being mates with his kid and not a parent? He is going to be a total Disney dad who you resent. It's not normal to allow kids to act completely feral because you had a tough upbringing, kids need to be taught how to act and to respect rules. I would start imposing rules when they come over and if he doesn't like it then he doesn't bring them or take them home.
I'd also be selling his Xbox to pay for your bag and iPad. Can't believe you didn't make him pay

That is an excellent idea! Selling the XBox to pay for what they damaged would be a lesson they could perhaps learn from to change their behavior.

DriftingDora · 23/10/2023 13:49

XelaM · 22/10/2023 18:43

If you're planning a future with this man, you will have to accept that his nephews are part of the family and that you will be their aunt. Leaving the house and acting like they have nothing to do with you doesn't bode well for your future together.

And how low must your standards be if you think it's acceptable for a man to bring two feral kids whose behaviour is that of kids at least four years younger than themselves into HER house and allow them to run riot breaking things? What, on the grounds that she's their 'auntie' - so that makes it OK does it? Why does she have to just put up with it? And he didn't even have the decency to consult her before he changed the arrangements by bringing said feral kids into the home. Perhaps the OP isn't a walkover or desperate, like some women seem to be.

Onelifeonly · 23/10/2023 13:59

They sound very badly behaved and if there is no SEN, that's down to the parenting they are given. I work with 8 to 10 year olds, as well as being a parent, and that kind of behaviour - knocking repeatedly on a door or destroying things - is not normal.

It's not your DP's fault his sister and husband can't cope. They should go to family therapy / a parenting course. And you do know, many families have no one they can ask to babysit at all and many who won't be asking for it every two weeks for a whole day. They need to get on with it and plan babysitting in advance- maybe pay for it.

He's being way too accommodating. I'd tell him to either stop or take them out, and to never cancel something with you other than in a real emergency. They certainly cant be around when either of you are trying to wfh. (Though most kids that age could probably amuse themselves sensibly for a few hours)

TicTacNicNak · 23/10/2023 14:12

It's not just how he interacts with the DN's that's an issue. He's showing you how he'd be as a father.

Do you see this as a long term relationship with kids at some point OP? He won't want to be the 'strict parent' and will want to be his child's friend, so they'll be allowed to get away with anything and you'd be the one disciplining them.

Either way this will definitely come between you if it continues.

LalaPaloosa · 23/10/2023 17:51

These boys are their kids! It’s their responsibility not yours, and not some burden to be shared! I’d rethink this relationship if I were you.

eyeofthundera · 23/10/2023 18:31

@FuchsiaBottles . This is awful behaviour for a 8 and 10 year old. I have a hyperactive 7 year old, but he would never behave in the way you described.
They need some boundaries and your DP saying no to them. Also taking them ever two weeks is quite a lot.

thinking forward, are you wanting children with your DP? You need a non confrontational/realistic conversation about how he would parent his own children but also when is he going to stop such regular childcare- will you have a newborn in the future whilst there are two boisterous ?10 and 12 year old with no boundaries around.

twoshedsjackson · 23/10/2023 18:56

You may not see this in the short term, but I think these little horrors have done you a favour.
They have demonstrated the consequences of poor parenting, if you had any doubts about that.
They have given you a preview of what your life would be like if you continue your relationship with DP; most people come with family attached, but it is telling that he cannot prioritise you, or present a united front when you wish to establish house rules.
He has shown himself to be a sulker, a deeply unattractive trait in a toddler, and a deal-breaker in an adult.
If he's only just moved in, I'd guess it relatively early days in the relationship; he should still be keen to show his best side.
As soon as things don't go his way, he reacts badly, showing little regard for your feelings.
I'd suggest he moves out, even if only temporarily, to reconsider the situation.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/10/2023 18:57

pinkyredrose · 22/10/2023 23:39

Your post reads like a list in how to be a doormat.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly so. Advocates staying with a man who has no respect for his partner and puts just about everyone else’s wants and needs above hers - including his own. Leaving him isn’t disruptive or massive - it’s OP’s house and she can just ask him to leave. Some people set the bar very low.

Dragonsmother · 23/10/2023 19:12

Sorry OP….. walk away whilst you can.
You will never be your DPs priority. His sister will. He has put her and her family ahead on you and your relationship.

munner · 23/10/2023 19:14

Put it to him, he needs to put you first or move out. He needs to take his nephews out of the house.

Mikki77 · 23/10/2023 19:18

Tell him if he wants to help his sister out he can do it at her house, as he can't afford to replace all the damage they cause! Then insist he pays for a new bag and ipad.

Mumto2kids86 · 23/10/2023 19:23

Your partner is being ridiculous. So f-ing cheeky tbh. He’s moved into your house and allowed that behaviour. Wow!

Sleepytiredyawn · 23/10/2023 19:27

The people who want/expect people to take their kids are the ones who ‘never’ offer to look after anyone else’s, bear this in mind for the future.

I wouldn’t put up with this personally. If he feels so bad for them that he thinks 1 day a fortnight is worth it then he shouldn’t have a problem looking after them on his own.

If his sister getting a night off from her kids is more important to him than the plans you had in place for weeks I’d be majorly pissed off with him. As for the behaviour whilst working from home, fuck that, along with breaking/damaging your things, I wouldn’t be letting them in my home again.

If he wants to look after them again, let him do it in their home so they can trash their own things, he might think twice when it’s all left to him.

Val36 · 23/10/2023 19:42

This will drive you nuts. Your partner needs to make definite arrangements to look after nephews and be in charge of them in your home. Never just taking them on at short/zero notice. He should have said he was sorry but he couldn’t look after them that night you had the special restaurant booked. If he can’t put you 1st, he will end up being kicked out I imagine!

Val36 · 23/10/2023 19:45

Very good idea!

Mumof3confused · 23/10/2023 19:46

Why can’t your DP look after them at his sisters house?

pomers · 23/10/2023 19:50

Ask him to move out now. There is no future here. What would happen if you had children with this man?

Blanketpolicy · 23/10/2023 19:56

I am with you for 90% of it OP.

IMO the way "normal" couples who respect and show consideration for each other is they check plans if there is any chance they will impact/involve the other.

It should be fine for him to have his nephews over regularly, but only when it is mutually convenient to both of you; not when it is convenient for his sister - she is the one who chose to have children.

It should also not need to be spelled out to him what acceptable behaviour from children is. He can be the fun uncle, spending time with them, doing fun things and engaging with them at the same time as giving them firm boundaries.

All of above is "normal" - you have to choose if you are going to 1) spend the next 15 years arguing with him about it and trying to "train" him, 2) accept it and let the resentment grow, 3) accept you want different things and are incompatible.

The 10% where I am not with you is this -

It's times like yesterday and when he accepts having them at times when I am at home either working or relaxing that's a major cause of friction!

I spent a lot of time with my niece visiting while she was younger (both necessity as her single mum needed childcare, but also just socially) - if dh had ever told me she couldn't come because he was "relaxing" he would have been on the receiving end of a very scary Hmm and told to go have a walk and "relax" elsewhere.

My niece is my family and very important to me and I expect him to warmly welcome my family, especially children (who can be noisy but know the boundaries). You need to be honest with yourself too, if you can't welcome his nephews warmly as close as he seems to be to them you might not be the right person for him either. It isn't because either of you is wrong, you are just incompatible.

Winnipeg23 · 23/10/2023 20:00

"He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around"

He's upset that she left him to do the work all by himself. Wants to look mr nice guy to sister and just dump it all on girlfriend. He's moved into your house too. Not interested in keeping you happy but happy to use your premises and baby sitting skills. Let you pay for damage his nieces and nephews did.

I see massive RED FLAGS.t

This is not cool behaviour. Typically male? Yes maybe ... But no way unless he is absolutely fabulous in other ways and kind and helpful.

August1980 · 23/10/2023 20:17

he is annoying me too. Ship him out.