To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

[FuchsiaBottles]

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

Every word of this. They sound like a chaotic, entitled and enmeshed family nightmare who don't give your wishes or needs a second thought.

it seems as you cut them off first, that they likley then thought why bother etc,

If you want to have children? - just don't have any with your DP. He will let them run riot and you will end up having to do all the parenting and discipline.
Get him to move out and you can move9n

Just dump him, throw him out. He moved in with you. It isn't working. Doesn't matter why. His nephews won't be going away, nor will his sister, and you (perfectly reasonably) don't want to integrate them into your life.

Why? It’s her house and they’re not even her nephews! No compromise necessary, just no. They’re not even nice kids.

Sounds like DP is a people-pleaser who's anxious to placate even his rowdy young nephews, as well as his sister and her partner. Probably he's a lovely man, and that's partly why you were attracted to him OP.

The problem with lovely people-pleasers, it's often the ones closest to them who get the worst treatment. Not necessarily deliberately - I think they just don't have any emotional energy left for people they don't have to please.

So my feeling is, if he has to choose between you and his sister's family - or anyone else who considers him a great guy - he'll always choose them. Equally, he may get stressed out/angry, because the tiny bit of consideration you're asking for is the last straw for him, on top of maintaining the great guy persona.

I may be wrong: maybe he just needs his attitude and its impact on you pointing out to him. I hope that's the case. But I gotta say it's unlikely, and it's good that you're learning this at an early stage of your relationship.

Agree.

Not to mention he isn't adding much value to their lives by being the go-to for sugary junk food and video games. If he wants to be an involved uncle he should be doing activities that are more enriching.

I haven’t read all the replies but I would set my boundaries by making him babysit but in their home. Yes, he can babysit, but in their space, not yours.

He won’t like the disruption and it won’t be what his sister wants either.

Then in slow time, if both he and they can show that they will respect your boundaries and property, they they might be permitted on a trial basis for short periods at yours, and if it goes well, build on that.

A number of reasons why…

Because...

• relationships require compromise if they are to work

• these kids are her partners family

• partner wants to see his nephews

• the kids could be helped by good adult role models and boundaries

• with boundaries they might just enjoy time together

• they are helping another family member ( and may require support themselves in the future)

• that's what mature adults do

This isn't a huge issue and can be worked through.

In my view much easier and less disruptive than the ‘leave him’ advise….which in real life is massive.

If you're planning a future with this man, you will have to accept that his nephews are part of the family and that you will be their aunt. Leaving the house and acting like they have nothing to do with you doesn't bode well for your future together.

I'm a mature adult and have never felt the need to provide free babysitting to the relatives of my SOs, at any time in my life.

If boyfriend wants to use his spare time and energy wrangling two rambunctious children, he can have at it. But not in my space, on my time and my dime.

Also, these kids are way too old to be behaving thus. I could see if they were four or five, but eight and 10? At that age we were reading, helping around the house, outdoors enjoying nature, etc., not racing around screaming like toddlers.

Clearly they've been poorly parented, and he is just pandering to their misbehaviour. And teaching them that junk food and video games are worthwhile "treats."

My issues would be the lack of boundaries with his family and not being able to say no and his attitude to raising kids tbh.

How are you going to agree if you had kids yourselves, would you let them scream running around a restaurant at 7/10 because they’re kids? You sound like you reasonably wouldn’t (my four year old wouldn’t scream and bang on my husbands door who works from home so I don’t quite get why his nephews can’t be calmly told you’re in a meeting) but it’s just an example of what sounds like a total clash of attitudes that will just get worse in future unless you can set some boundaries in your own home now.

I also wouldn’t like my home being a de facto childcare centre that trumps planned events or reservations in advance. If he wants them he can surely take them out to a park etc where they won’t destroy your stuff, which obviously they don’t seem to be able to stop themselves doing so far. I have my nieces and nephews over but they’ve never broken something that’s obviously ours/ valuable. Yes they might spill cups or drop things etc, toys might get damaged but why are they going near your home office/ bag. They’re definitely old enough to know better or to be able to follow simple rules like don’t go in that one office room.

I hope you enjoyed your night though!

Those boys are going to grow up ruined. Demanding, selfish and entitled, the fault of the grown ups they are being cared for. Kids will be kids? Yes, they'll be the kids the adults support and shape them to be. Children who know and respect boundaries, other people and their possessions- not these boys. X-box and ice cream on demand, passed from one worn out adult to another, who are too weak to discipline them but treat them as entitled mini adults. It's ruining them. Poor kids.

You haven't a hope to change their future, the question is how tied down to the family- and these boys. They will be selfish adults. Do you ever want children? That would be the dealbreaker with your (pretty pathetic) partner. If children are on the horizon, he is demonstrating pretty poor judgment on bringing up children.

1. He isn’t compromising - OP is. He keeps making unilateral decisions based on what he wants. How is that compromising ?
2. Yes, the kids are her partners’ family but they are using OP/DP as on tap childcare whenever they want - and regardless of what plans they may have themselves.
3. if the partner wants to see his nephews he should make sure that they behave and don’t run riot and break stuff in his partners’ home - if he can’t, he should make sure he sees them elsewhere.
4. The good adult role models should be the bloody parents, and they should be the ones to set the boundaries so their kids aren’t behaving like feral brats in other peoples’ homes.
5. as above - boundaries are not for OP and her partner to set, but the parents.
6. I’d bet a pound to a penny that if the OP and her partner ever have kids, the sister and her partner will run a mile from babysitting duties - they sound too wrapped up in themselves to even think about reciprocation.
7. The OP is a mature adult - it’s her partner who’s behaving like an entitled man child, passing up a long standing arrangement and then throwing a strop when the OP went with a friend.
8. it might not be a huge issue now, but if the OP allows them to dump on her like this, it soon will be.

YANBU OP. I‘d say this is a dealbreaker for your relationship to be honest. You clearly aren’t his priority.

Sister/grandma/nephew etc rushed to hospital or some other emergency or really important reason - absolutely yes I’d expect your DP to babysit in those circumstances and give up the planned night out.

Sister and her DH just fancy a night off parenting with not v much notice. Nope. The only answer to that is “sorry sister but I have plans tonight”. Maybe if he’s feeling generous he could offer to have them another day instead.

I would never expect my family to give up their plans to watch my kids at short notice, unless it was something really important. It might not be odd to ask, especially if she’s used to your DP having them, but they are her kids and her responsibility and he shouldn’t feel bad for her having to look after them.

It IS a huge issue. and it’s not really about the kids - however poorly behaved they might be.

It’s 100% a partner issue.

He is quite happy to let his partner down so he can do a last minute favour for his sister. Then he tries to make the OP feel bad for having followed through with her restaurant reservations without him because he actually wanted her to be there to do the work while he played super-uncle. He’s had the temerity to tell her she’s unreasonable because she didn’t rearrange her life to suit him.

He’s showing enormous, waving red flags and there is no way on earth the OP should ever consider marrying him or having children with him.

Patriarchal society really does a number on women so that it seems to be so hard to see that this is a (not uncommon) problem with men. This one is a pretty obvious example of male entitlement and still women are defending him.

Well said, @IncomingTraffic

I would take a good hard look at the situation, in the OP's shoes. That he readily canceled your long-planned restaurant excursion in favour of pleasing his sister is a blaring siren. Then his pique that you were able to enjoy yourself sans him. Ugh.

The problem with this type of lax parenting is that it encourages the children to be quite like the grandparents: Entitled in their beliefs and unbending. In trying to do things ‘not like you were parented’ (which is negative) rather than ‘differently’ (positive), a parent risks recreating more of the same behaviour they are striving to avoid.

I’d be running a mile from this op. It all sounds very toxic.

Your post reads like a list in how to be a doormat.

Fucking hell, are you the boyfriend?

No 🤷‍♀️

They are far too old to be behaving like this, especially in someone else’s house.

Breaking valuable items that they have no business touching at all.

Hammering on your office door. That is deliberately disruptive, not simply careless and silly.

I am rather interested to know how they respond when you sit them down and tell them they are out of order.
I’d have told them they now owed the equivalent of 30 (or whatever) ice creams for the damage they have caused.

I wouldn’t have them in my home again.

As for your boyfriend sulking because you ate out without him, I hope you have chucked him out by now.

What awful brats they sound. I would dump him so that I never see the likes of them again!! seriously I would! They aren't even his kids and you have to put up with this crap.

And more fool you for allowing this in YOUR home. Why?

Have you told your partner that you're actually reconsidering your relationship over this situation? It might give him perspective on how he should react accordingly. Also have you had a chat about parenting your own hypothetical children and that you won't accept him being mates with his kid and not a parent? He is going to be a total Disney dad who you resent. It's not normal to allow kids to act completely feral because you had a tough upbringing, kids need to be taught how to act and to respect rules. I would start imposing rules when they come over and if he doesn't like it then he doesn't bring them or take them home.
I'd also be selling his Xbox to pay for your bag and iPad. Can't believe you didn't make him pay