To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

[FuchsiaBottles]

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

I'm sorry but I can't see this relationship being able to properly evolve when your boyfriend is like this. The fact is that he doesn't have the maturity or emotional wherewithal to understand how destructive it is to be so weak minded around children you're looking after. It will be a disaster if you have kids together. And who will do the childcare then? Or will it be in addition to your baby? Your boyfriends sister should not regularly be a priority like this.

I would end the relationship and I never say that here! See the red flag for what it is and get away from all of this toxic baggage before it becomes your life forever.

So his argument is that it’s one day a fortnight and his sister/BIL have the stress the rest of the time ? Newsflash for him - they’re their kids. They chose to be parents, and frankly it sounds as though they’re not doing a very good job if the kids are that badly behaved - no wonder they want to palm them off on you as often as possible.

It’s ultimatum time. DP needs to be clear with his sister that she has no right to treat you as on demand babysitters, that you’re a couple, you have your own social life, and Friday was the last time you will be changing your plans to accommodate them - neither can you babysit while you WFH. He also needs to let them know that the children are badly behaved and have broken things, so they need to address their behaviour before you will babysit again.

He also owes you an apology for acting like a knob when you went to the restaurant with a friend. You were entitled to stick to your plans - he forfeited his when he agreed to babysit without consulting you first. He needs to realise that you’re now a couple so he needs to stop making unilateral decisions about anything that involves you. It’s rude and ignorant.

If he can’t do any/all of that, it’s time to rethink the relationship. I would also be asking yourself what kind of a father you think he will make if he allows the kids to run riot around your home and expects you to deal with them - even while WFH. He needs to put you first, and at the moment he isn’t.

This behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. DP would get an ultimatum to stop being a doormat for his sister or I’m out.

@FuchsiaBottles You said They have a Nintendo switch in their house and the xbox here.
Do you mean that the nephews have their own Xbox at your house, or do you mean “D”P has an Xbox that that want to use?

How about:

1. he takes the Xbox over to their house and babysits them at their own house
2. he gives them his Xbox to keep at their house
3. you kick him out and he and his Xbox go to live at the sister’s house 4) you arrange for the xbox to be accidentally broken then blame him for not having put it away

It's fun to be the fun uncle. But what your DP doesn't realise is that boys need boundaries. And actually uncles are great for enforcing the rules, my bro is better than me for example!
Boys like to know

1. Who is in charge
2. What are the rules
3. Will they be fairly applied

(This from raising boys).

So your DP could be really helpful and apply rules!

Start as you mean to go on. No arguments from you just set your boundaries nice and clear. If he continues to ignore your boundaries he is more afraid of confrontation from his sister and family than he is afraid of confrontation from you. If he has form for putting you in second place on every occasion, which he is doing, it is time to move him out. He might trying sobbing/ sob story/sulking, threatening suicide and other manipulative tactics but out he must go. Good luck

But it was their choice to have kids. Why on earth does he feel 'bad' for them?!

He feels bad for them because their kids are such arseholes.

Would be a shame if the Xbox broke or something.

Also - why is he cancelling a hot date with you, at a fancy restaurant you've both waited ages to go to, just because his sister asked him to? Fair enough if she had an emergency, but she didn't, she just wanted to not have to look after her (ghastly) kids. What kind of a weird controlling sibling relationship is this? Has she got some massive emotional hold over him? He's putting her first and not you.

he feels bad for his sister and her husband and that it's 1 day for us every 2 weeks while they have to stress out the rest of the time!

Well yes, it's funny how they have to spend time dealing with their own poor parenting the rest of the time.

But regardless of the bigger picture, the answer on this particular occasion should have been 'sorry sis, we have plans so not this time'. The fact he wont say no to her, and yet is sulking that you went without him (after he unilaterally blew up your joint plans for the evening) is utterly ridiculous and he needs to get his priorities straight

Why the hell does he feel bad for them? They chose their lifestyle, just as everyone else has. What a crock of shit.

You can rest assured that this pattern is not going to change. He will be on call for them, and probably financially too as time goes on, forever. I'd be re-evaluating and telling him to move on out. Him allowing the kids to pester you during work hours is beyond the pale. No respect for you, eh?

Once again I am deeply puzzled why otherwise capable, sensible, competent women allow themselves to be treated like domestic service units just because they want to please a man. Is it that the patriarchy has done a total number on us, making us think we women are incomplete non-people unless we can show that we belong to a penis-owner?

Run like the wind, OP.

No. Why should OP have her home invaded by these children?

If he wants to care for them, he can go to their house and do so, or take them out somewhere by himself.

"DP has recently moved in with me."

He's being massively disrespectful to you and your property already. Move him back out pronto.

@FuchsiaBottles ive read all your posts, and this bit stood out:

”DP will not tell off his nephews no matter what because he thinks we should all be friends and he doesn't want his nephews to grow up disliking their "strict uncle".

you have a dp problem

what’s more he’ll be an appalling parent - imagine having this shit 247?

tell him to move back out and then you can see him on your terms

what you did with the restaurant was bang on right, don’t ever let his crappy boundaries and piss poor prioritisation ruin your plans

he prioritised a pair of appallingly badly brought up kids over you. It’ll never get any better if you keep allowing it

seriously is not the guy for you

move him back out and protect your space or end it. End it at some point because there is no future in this

he has no parenting skills, won’t ever learn them because he has not access to decent role models

you don’t want this for your future family.

They chose to have these kids!!!

If he must mind them, can't he do it in their home, not yours at least?

Maybe they shouldn't be going out for dinner then...

Why do I suspect it won't be long until you are expected to do caregiving for his mum, too?

There isn't a chance in hell this will be reciprocated if and when you have kids. In fact I imagine it would continue as 'a baby is no bother they just eat and sleep'. Hah, I get the sense his entitled sister will demand you still have her kids regularly.

I have 2 kids and am agog that they 'need' downtime every two weeks with those ages.

I would ask him to move and reassess the while relationship

Clearly you have things to sort out between you!

You need to sort out who is responsible for the children when they come to your place.
-If you as well as him- then you need to be asked and to have a say in whether activities set up are likely to break your stuff.

-If him - then he sorts out mess and pays for breakages. (He should still check with you as the space is yours too.)

You really need to sort out ideas about parenting before you have children together or the future is going to be very dark for you.

-He is 'fun' uncle now... and clearly in need of a 'mean' aunt to stop the children exhausting him and wrecking the place (another reason for him being fed up about you going out and leaving him to it that night).

-Note that he probably expects to be 'fun' dad in the future. Do you want to end up as 'mean' mum? The role will be available.

(Sulking - most unattractive even if he had been in the right.
Dropping plans with you for someone else... also most unattractive.
I hope he has other compensations.)

With men like this their disrespect of women like the OP was always there before she allowed him to move in.

The difference is now she is seeing the full bald truth of his depth of disrespect of her.

Thrashing her home and belongings.

Blaming her.

Allowing her working day from home to be negatively impacted as he profoundly disrespects her job.

Sulking because she continues with long awaited plans when he happily let her down last minute.

Partners who care deeply about you wouldn't dream of treating you like that.

He comes from an awful background and his disrespect for her, her home and belongings, his complete lack of any self respect for himself or her, will permeate every area of her life with him, if she is foolish enough to continue to allow him to use her and her home.

Stop wasting your time with him. He's shown you where you are in the pecking order. Behind his sister and his nephews. Probably his Mum too. So you are probably 5 or 6. And this is the honeymoon period. Imagine what it would be like in 10 years when you have your own children.

Ask him to move out and concentrate on finding someone who puts you top of this list.

I'd like to know too.

Think you have a few red flags showing here. Well done for going to dinner with your friend - you did the right thing and set the tone. But I'm sorry your boyfriend behaved the way he did afterwards by sulking. He should have been upset with his sister OP.

You have a lot of strong advice on here to dump him but in reality it's no doubt a lot more complicated. You do though need to set boundaries - and that may require him moving back out in the short term. As someone who has kids and who wouldn't dream of dumping them on family like this, your DP sounds very naive and his sister really entitled and lazy. Both could really do with a wakeup call. You sound well positioned to deliver that by asking him to move out or by refusing them the use of your home - and if he cannot accept those terms to move back out.

For god's sake don't have kids with this man. He will be a terrible father. He seems solely interested in being popular.