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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's nephews are tearing us apart?

531 replies

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:13

DP has recently moved in with me.

Yesterday, we were supposed to go to this restaurant for dinner. This is the kind of restaurant that requires you to make a reservation way in advance and we've been looking forward to yesterday night for weeks.

On Fri, DP's sister called asking him if he could look after his nephews (aged 10 and 8) from "tomorrow afternoon onwards" because her and her husband have had a stressful week and would like to take some downtime to have dinner + movie together. DP agreed!!

This caused an argument and I ended up going to the restaurant with a friend of mine. Came home last night and DP was sulking. He's upset that I went without him, that I wouldn't compromise and go get a pizza with him and his nephews instead, that he was left alone to run around after his nephews who are very loud, full-on, and frankly have a penchant for destruction (they've already broken my iPad which I had to pay to replace and my favourite bag has a disgusting stain on it from when they touched it with ice-cream soaked hands).

This isn't a one-off incident. We (mostly DP) are basically on demand childcare for his sister and that demand comes along once every fortnight.

I was WFH one day and one came around (we got the notice only 2h in advance) because the other had a football match. He was just running around the house (DP also had to WFH so couldn't be watching him throughout even though he was in the same room as DP as it's where the Xbox was). Nephew kept opening the door to my office while I was working. I locked the door. He kept hammering the door while running around despite me telling DP that I was in an important meeting and would like him to keep his nephew under control.

I love that he's close to his family. But I think there's a limit to that and I can't deal with it anymore. AIBU to think that this arrangement with his sister is unsustainable?

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 22/10/2023 14:55

As someone's who's relationship ended over a nephew I say he needs to move out and deal with the terrors on his own. When he's solely in charge I bet things change and he won't be so willing to put up with their nonsense. Good Luck OP

Mari9999 · 22/10/2023 14:56

@FuchsiaBottles
It sounds as though his arrangement with his sister may be more sustainable than your relationship.

Make your feelings clear and then be prepared to take whatever actions are indicated by his response.

pikkumyy77 · 22/10/2023 14:56

The whole “go to uncles for xbox and icecream” is absurd. Regular babysitting should take place at parent’s house and should be dinner/bath/homework /bed like any other regular night. Going to uncles for a treat is a different activity. And now dp has moved in with you it needs to be a “two yes/one no” situation.

MrsAllsorts · 22/10/2023 15:03

You say it’s not the first time he has behaved like this.

Personally I would get him to move out and ditch him. He seems quite happy to disregard your feelings and arrangements in favour of being on call baby sitter, regardless of your feelings. If he’ll do that, there may be other expectations in the future, including financial support from you (or joint savings) for his sister, regardless of your own circumstances. Plus a myriad other problems. How would you feel about that? If you continue with this man, will you regret it?

I see no reason why you should open your home to be babysitter even on a monthly basis, certainly not when nobody has consulted you. The children are his sister’s responsibility, not yours. Perhaps they are exhausted because of their own choices over parenting style. They need to suck it up and not you. This may also get worse, not better, for quite a few years. They become obnoxious, entitled brats that see your property as theirs.

And what would his parenting style be like, do you think?

Think what this means for the future, and be loyal first of all to yourself, because you are getting no loyalty or consideration from DP, from the sound of it.

That’s what I think anyway. Maybe ask yourself how you would advise a very best friend in your situation.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 22/10/2023 15:03

Those two little hellions would not be setting foot in my house again.

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/10/2023 15:04

Be careful . The boyfriend is showing a glimpse of the kind of parent he would be .
Take a long hard look at this relationship do you really want kids with a man who has zero parenting skills

MeridianB · 22/10/2023 15:04

No one is doing those children any favours by letting them behave like 2yos. His sister needs lots of rest from them but hasn’t joined the dots between her lack of boundaries and their terrible behaviour.

But the nephews are a red herring, really. You have a big DP problem which doesn’t look like it will get any better. Ask him to move out before he gets too comfortable.

Strictlymad · 22/10/2023 15:07

When you say dp has moved in is it your house? If so definite ground rules! And tbh bluntly speaking if Dsis and her partner had been more ‘on it’ as parents from the get go they wouldn’t be so frazzled now and needing a break from two wild boys every two weeks! At 10 and 8 you should have a calm household (sen allowing) not two giant toddlers. The hammering on the door when working would have got me to immediately phone parents to remove them. You owe no childcare to them and your dp should have honoured the previous arrangement he had with you.

pictoosh · 22/10/2023 15:08

LOVE that you went out for the meal with your friend anyway, leaving him at home with the nephews. That's the way to do it!

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/10/2023 15:16

Doidontimmm · 22/10/2023 11:18

I’d ask him to move back out! The work thing is totally unacceptable.

This.

If he has moved in with you, you should be his priority.

That's not to say he should ignore his sister - needs to rush her partner to A&E because a saw slipped? Absolutely! Cancel a special, looked-forward-to meal because they fancy a childfree night at short notice? Bugger that!

Also - if he agrees to look after them, HE looks after them. You are working and need peace - you need to get on with your work in a professional manner - not just bodge your work through any old how. You are not free childcare to take the load off him!

You will end up separating with a lot of bad feeling. Step apart now and hopefully you can renew the relationship the way it was before he moved in.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/10/2023 15:17

pictoosh · 22/10/2023 15:08

LOVE that you went out for the meal with your friend anyway, leaving him at home with the nephews. That's the way to do it!

Damn right!

SoShallINever · 22/10/2023 15:20

How dare he treat you like this when it's your home, your possessions and your relationship that are being trashed.
I would seriously ring his sister and BIL, state that the kids have damaged your home and you aren't going to let them ruin your relationship. Therefore they will not be coming to YOUR HOME again.
As for BF he needs to grow a pair quickly and stand up to his bullying sister quickly or he'd be out the door.

Countdown2023 · 22/10/2023 15:27

Why should you have to put with crap parenting? DP can take them out if he wants to be fun uncle. Put your foot down and say not in your home - be you may end up having them during holidays as well

momonpurpose · 22/10/2023 15:34

ImNotReallySpartacus · 22/10/2023 15:03

Those two little hellions would not be setting foot in my house again.

And what ever you do do not have a child with him. My daughter was treated so terribly while nephew from hell could do anything he wanted. As long as you are with this man those hellions will be making you miserable. Trust me.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 22/10/2023 15:37

FuchsiaBottles · 22/10/2023 11:30

No SEN. It's not really my place to pass judgement but his sister and DP has this idea that "kids will be kids" (that's their mantra) and that there's only a limited time when you can run around screaming and playing before you have to "grow up". There's this whole other thing where DP thinks that we should treat his nephews like they're our friends but younger which I won't get into because I don't have the energy.

Edited
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I'd dump him and ask him to move out immediately for this alone, especially if you want children some day. You do NOT want children with someone who thinks raising children like this is acceptable. It's not. And I really feel for their teachers as I imagine their behaviour at school isn't any better and the parents (and your partner), who have clearly and wilfully made a rod for their own backs, are likely to not care how much such behaviour will detract from their and all the other children's education in their classes.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 22/10/2023 15:39

Oh, and if he won't let you ask his sister/BIL for the money for damaged items in your home, including the ipad, then he needs to stump him and cover the damages. He is responsible for them while they're in your home; he should be ensuring that your belongings aren't damaged or paying to have them fixed/replaced.

I'd have gone to dinner with a friend, too. He's shown you that you don't come first, so wtf should he?

Jasmine876 · 22/10/2023 15:44

They sound like they can’t behave at all- it doesn’t sound age appropriate say all either. I would tell your partner that they simply aren’t allowed back in your home. If they need babysat and he wishes to watch them- he can do this at his sisters house. If that means cancelling your plans again (outwith a genuine emergency) then I would put him out altogether.

Emotionalsupportviper · 22/10/2023 15:54

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 22/10/2023 15:37

I'd dump him and ask him to move out immediately for this alone, especially if you want children some day. You do NOT want children with someone who thinks raising children like this is acceptable. It's not. And I really feel for their teachers as I imagine their behaviour at school isn't any better and the parents (and your partner), who have clearly and wilfully made a rod for their own backs, are likely to not care how much such behaviour will detract from their and all the other children's education in their classes.

Show quote history

All of the above.

And if you think they're bad now, wait until they hit puberty.

They will have the strength to kick in those doors, never mind bang on them, and they will never have been taught to behave in any other way.

CherryCokeFanatic · 22/10/2023 15:58

Leave him and find someone new

AbbeyGailsParty · 22/10/2023 16:12

I don’t ever recall having an on call child care person! ( as a single mom to 2)

His sister and her husband chose to have two kids, they look after them.

Send them the bill for your iPad and bag.

And 8 and 10 year olds know when not to run around and/or hammer on doors.

tell him it’s the kids or you.

oakleaffy · 22/10/2023 16:15

@FuchsiaBottles His sister CHOSE to have the kids
She should have stopped with one of she can’t discipline them to behave.
Not your circus.
Not your monkeys.
It’s not your job to be unpaid childminder to badly behaved children.

FarEast · 22/10/2023 16:24

Take heed of your DP’s behaviour.

He judges his work to be more important than yours.

He sees you as the default carer for his nephews

He doesn’t respect your belongings

Don't have children with this man. You really need to have a serious talk with him about his assumptions about your involvement with his nephews. And his sexist assumption that you will be the default carer.

LambMomo · 22/10/2023 16:26

So will the sister be providing childcare every other weekend when you have kids?

(I think you know the answer…)

ACGTHelix · 22/10/2023 16:33

@FuchsiaBottles
why did they have kids if they then get stressed with them ? surley thats part and parcel of having the children ?

ACGTHelix · 22/10/2023 16:34

@FuchsiaBottles
could you charge them for childcare fees ?