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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking DD into her gymnastics class

121 replies

Mysteriousflo · 21/10/2023 23:03

Hi

I need some perspective here and hoping wise MN’rs can help me figure out AIBU

DH was left to take DD4 to gymnastics class this morn.

I’d already given her breakfast and got her partly dressed but then needed to leave with DS to get him to his classes. Her class was an hour later than his.

get home later and find out DH didn’t take her into gymnastics.

he said she wouldn’t put her trousers on / was messing around so he put her trousers on her which made her upset. He then got her in the car and drove to the car park right outside the class. Apparently on the way she was upset and wanted me.

he went to get her out of the car but she started crying and said she needed a jumper as it was cold. (She didn’t as it’s a hop into the front door and she never usually has an extra jumper)

so he said fine we’ll go home and brought her back home instead of waiting for her to calm take her in.

this has made me so sad. And I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. It’s her one weekend class that she always looks forward to and gets so much out of. He drove her right outside the front door and when she was upset basically just drove her home again.

then kept saying about her bad behaviour when we got back.

she’s 4!

AIBU to feel sad about this situation. It feels like it escalated too much. I would’ve just waited until she was calm and taken her in then.

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 21/10/2023 23:10

You're right, it's lazy parenting at best. Next weekend he will need to do the earlier group with your other child as he's apparently so incapable of putting trousers nicely on DD!

caringcarer · 21/10/2023 23:33

Could your DD have been tired OP. Why would she cry when she arrived in car? I find kids can cry for no reason when they are tired.

Original poster
Mysteriousflo · 21/10/2023 23:57

She was crying because she thought it was cold and wanted a jumper. So it sounds like he was like - fine, let’s go home then.
but she doesn’t need a jumper in there and you park right outside. He could’ve explained it / say it’s the class without the jumper or we’ll have to go home. It sounds like he couldn’t deal and so came back home again.
im just gutted for her - and I can’t figure out if I’m feeling this too much. It’s the one thing she consistently looks forward to at the weekend.

OP posts:
Ducksinthebath · 21/10/2023 23:59

How many classes do these children have? Sounds like a lot- maybe too many for DD?

Letsgocamping67 · 22/10/2023 00:00

Sounds like she may have learnt not to have a tantrum or she will miss out on the class.

Original poster
Mysteriousflo · 22/10/2023 00:01

She has one class a weekend. Gymnastics at 10am for 45min.
i think if she was playing up at home and he didn’t take her, that would be one thing.
but driving to the venue getting her out to go and then just changing mind when he got there / just before the enter because she got upset at the cold feels too much to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mysteriousflo · 22/10/2023 00:03

This is more my dh’s style (and he loves camping… is it you?!)
very hardline on things and I find it hard as more, let’s talk and work through it
its usually an issue with my DS, first time with DD that I’ve been upset about it

OP posts:
ThatMrsM · 22/10/2023 00:14

I think your husband could have made more effort to take her into the class....but it sounds like it wasn't just about wanting a jumper if she was reluctant to get dressed and she was crying for you in the car on the way. Has your daughter said anything about how she felt?

Also, if I was in your husband's situation I would have probably just given her a jumper and got on with the class 😂

Coyoacan · 22/10/2023 00:19

It doesn't sound like the end of the world. He is her father and should be able to make decisions when she is in his care, unless he is abusive, in which case, LTB

FrancesOfFrance · 22/10/2023 00:19

The thing is she's only 4 and the weather is changing so the adults should have brought a jumper. Your DH should have encouraged and reassured her,persuaded her to get in. It sounds lazy, Some men intentionally do tasks badly so the wife doesn't ask them again.

adomizo · 22/10/2023 00:26

Yanbu I would be very annoyed too. And you have presumably already paid? I have found its better to be consistent about going to classes and ignore these small low level complaints as once they are in the door they enjoy.... the missing jumper etc becomes irrelevant and they just learn to get on and have fun.

DiddyHeck · 22/10/2023 00:27

She was trying to run rings around him with the trouser thing and then the jumper etc.

She pushed the boundaries and that was her consequence.

I like his parenting style but I accept it's not for everyone.

Alloveragain3 · 22/10/2023 00:31

I'm with you OP.

Sometimes as the parent it can be the "easier" option to just say "Fine, I'm done, we're not going!"

It sounds like he wasn't bothered to put in the effort to calm her down and bring her to her class.

A 4 year old is going to tantrum and your DH should be able to manage this better IMO.

Kinneddar · 22/10/2023 00:39

DiddyHeck · 22/10/2023 00:27

She was trying to run rings around him with the trouser thing and then the jumper etc.

She pushed the boundaries and that was her consequence.

I like his parenting style but I accept it's not for everyone.

I agree with you.

She might only be 4 but she was acting up. Now she knows there's consequences for her behaviour.

At the end of the day she missed a 45 min class. Its not the end of the world

Hibiscrubbed · 22/10/2023 02:45

Sounds like he couldn’t be bothered to deal with a very normal small child response. Sometimes kids play up or get overwhelmed. It’s normally really easy to diffuse, but your H couldn’t be fucked and has managed to dress this approach up as ‘hard line’.

I find men who have this approach actually just have a very short fuse to dealing with small kid behaviour and like to attempt to punish and shout at them to force good behaviour. Which almost never works.

curaçao · 22/10/2023 03:04

I run kuds sports ckasses and they are all really tired at this pount in tge term.Your dh did the right thing

SíDoMhamóí · 22/10/2023 06:14

Why does your 4 year old only look forward to one thing a week consistently? It sounds like there is a back story

WandaWonder · 22/10/2023 06:17

Coyoacan · 22/10/2023 00:19

It doesn't sound like the end of the world. He is her father and should be able to make decisions when she is in his care, unless he is abusive, in which case, LTB

This why is your way the only way?

I do wonder at 4 how you would know she looks forward to anything really

CheerfulYank · 22/10/2023 06:18

I don’t know actually.

I’ve got three kids and work and a gazillion other things to do, and sometimes come the weekend I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.

If I was in that state of mind and felt like my kid was just going to throw a fit the whole class anyway, I might very well say “fine, let’s just go home.” I’m not saying I’d have that response all the time, and I probably wouldn’t be proud of it, but I definitely can see how it could happen.

PriOn1 · 22/10/2023 06:21

Was your daughter upset, OP? If she was, then he might have achieved what he set out to and taught her that if she plays up, she misses out on good things.

If she’s not bothered and was happy to have missed it, then not so much because he’s taught her that if she messes around, he’ll cave in and she’ll get what she wants.

So all in all, it depends.

whowhatwerewhy · 22/10/2023 06:29

She played up and missed her gym class , I'm with your DH on this her actions have consequences.

TealSapphire · 22/10/2023 06:34

Does he normally take her?

Sounds like he's trying to get out of it 'it's too hard, you're so much better at it' kind of feigned incompetence.

Isthisexpected · 22/10/2023 06:34

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 21/10/2023 23:10

You're right, it's lazy parenting at best. Next weekend he will need to do the earlier group with your other child as he's apparently so incapable of putting trousers nicely on DD!

I agree. He couldn't be arsed using appropriate parenting skills so manhandled her and then didn't attempt to comfort or regulate her so she wasn't able to go basically.

happylittlesloth · 22/10/2023 06:35

He made the best decision he could at the time. You are clearly on different parenting styles so you either need to discuss and agree on what to do in future or you just need to both accept you have different styles. Just as you wouldn't want your style criticised he won't want his critised. I personally wouldn't have done what he did but I can see why he did it.

AhBiscuits · 22/10/2023 06:41

This would have pissed me right off because he could have easily jollied her along and got her into the class, he was already in a grump because she wouldn't get dressed and couldn't be bothered. He's just a lazy and impatient parent.

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