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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking DD into her gymnastics class

121 replies

Mysteriousflo · 21/10/2023 23:03

Hi

I need some perspective here and hoping wise MN’rs can help me figure out AIBU

DH was left to take DD4 to gymnastics class this morn.

I’d already given her breakfast and got her partly dressed but then needed to leave with DS to get him to his classes. Her class was an hour later than his.

get home later and find out DH didn’t take her into gymnastics.

he said she wouldn’t put her trousers on / was messing around so he put her trousers on her which made her upset. He then got her in the car and drove to the car park right outside the class. Apparently on the way she was upset and wanted me.

he went to get her out of the car but she started crying and said she needed a jumper as it was cold. (She didn’t as it’s a hop into the front door and she never usually has an extra jumper)

so he said fine we’ll go home and brought her back home instead of waiting for her to calm take her in.

this has made me so sad. And I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. It’s her one weekend class that she always looks forward to and gets so much out of. He drove her right outside the front door and when she was upset basically just drove her home again.

then kept saying about her bad behaviour when we got back.

she’s 4!

AIBU to feel sad about this situation. It feels like it escalated too much. I would’ve just waited until she was calm and taken her in then.

OP posts:
Busephalus · 22/10/2023 07:46

Agree, it was a dickish move

PuttingDownRoots · 22/10/2023 07:55

It sounds like she was tired
Did she start school this term?

crumblingschools · 22/10/2023 08:07

I’m sure the gymnastics teacher was glad she didn’t have a crying 4yo dumped on them!

If she had been playing up most of the morning I would have assumed tired/coming down with bug/not wanting to go, and at 4yo would have decided not worth putting her in the class

Strictly1 · 22/10/2023 08:08

Interesting how many are calling the husband lazy etc. Sounds to me as if she was playing up and missing her class was a natural consequence.
I do think some parenting now is far too soft and children are shocked when they arrive at school and hear the word no or that messing around has consequences and not a there there.

Universalsnail · 22/10/2023 08:10

I think that it's not ideal. He should have handled the situation and tbh it's October she shouldn't have left with out a jumper on anywah.

But also I think your over reacting by being really upset about it. He is not the first parent who has lost his patience with their child and bailed on an activity with them.

WeWereInParis · 22/10/2023 08:32

I don't think either of your approaches are wrong, although I think you're overreacting by being really upset over it.

I have a 4 year old and this all sounds like the kind of stuff she does when she's trying it on. I don't think he's necessarily wrong to have given a consequence for her behaviour. But I do think that none of us saw the whole situation unfold, so it's not easy to say.

If he's a good dad who generally responds reasonably, then if he says that was the best decision in the circumstances I'd be fine with it.

MummyFriend · 22/10/2023 08:32

It sounds like she was deliberately pushing boundaries in protest of you not taking her. If you're the one who does the bulk of the care giving and usually takes her then she probably already knows her boundaries with you. You need to give Dad the opportunity to parent and do the same.

I missed a club once because my children's behaviour was unacceptable, so I decided not to take them. Of course they came to no psychological harm, but they learned that they can't get away with acting out like that. It's called parenting.

Ladybrrrd · 22/10/2023 08:52

4 year olds are old enough to have a consequence for their behaviour. If she's battling every step of the way then it must have been frustrating and I can see why he did it. He's allowed to make these decisions.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 08:53

Does she like gymnastics usually?

cansu · 22/10/2023 08:57

Maybe she has learnt a lesson here. Sounds like she was misbehaving and he just decided not to put up with it. I don't know why you are sad.

ComeOutSun · 22/10/2023 09:00

Sounds like he just decided it wasn't working out and she wasn't in the mood for it, so took her home. She's also learned that if she doesn't put on her trousers and get organised with Daddy that she will miss out. It sounds like she needed the morning off more than going to class.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 22/10/2023 09:03

That’s what I’d have done TBH. You don’t know how much fuss she’d already made about the trousers. Maybe it was the final straw? Is she 4 as in just started school or 4 as in top of nursery? If she’s just started school, she’ll be knackered. Either way, missing one class will do her no harm and it’s time to draw a line under it.

Somewhatchallenging · 22/10/2023 09:06

I don’t think the dh did anything wrong. I assume he warned her that they’d go home if she carried on making a fuss. That’s OK.

Sirzy · 22/10/2023 09:07

So she had been playing up, was upset and didn’t want to go in. Going home made much more sense than disturbing the class either by going in late or going in upset.

Busephalus · 22/10/2023 09:08

There is no way I'd go to all the effort of getting a kid ready and travel sll the way to their class and not bother take them in, it's kinda churlish of him

LIZS · 22/10/2023 09:09

It is one time. She was fussing and upset, not an ideal mindset for a gym class. Does he normally take your ds to his or neither?

ApplesinmyPocket · 22/10/2023 09:12

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/10/2023 08:53

Does she like gymnastics usually?

"It’s her one weekend class that she always looks forward to and gets so much out of."

Though it doesn't sound as if she was looking forward to it today!

Since she was crying and being difficult about getting dressed, I don't think he did anything so wrong here. I mean, I wouldn't use that tactic every week. But certainly as a one-off it's ok to underline that if you act as if you don't want to go, won't get dressed, cry on the way there, make up excuses to delay (wanting a jumper etc), then the consequence might be you're taken seriously and brought home!

Though having said that, I don't think it;s unusual for a young child to be conflicted about going to an activity, even if they do enjoy it when they get there, there's probably always a bit of ''I'd rather stay home really...' at that age, so generally I'd be using the 'jolly-along' technique.

notsorighteousthesedays · 22/10/2023 09:13

Sounds just like my ex - couldn't be bothered. If I was ever not there then they would be late for school, not go to clubs etc despite requiring, and being given, detailed instructions.
Some times he would not bother to collect ie. school or Brownies and expect others to bring them home!

Like a fool I didn't leave him and as adults they are all no contact with him now.
I feel guilty I exposed them to this and he couldn't give a flying f*.... 😤

TheHoover · 22/10/2023 09:17

I’d be annoyed OP.
She sounds a little bit like my daughter who often wants to be warm and comfortable and frequently needs a kick to get ready and out the house to do fun stuff. And of course she does love the fun stuff mostly but in the occasions that she says she doesn’t want to go, I adopt a ‘you have to to’ approach because physical activity is so important and I don’t believe that enabling an ‘opt out’ attitude is a good thing at an early age.

I kind of agree that it’s lazy parenting from your DH; he wouldn’t have done the same if it was school / nursery, would he?

Bunnycat101 · 22/10/2023 09:23

I’m on the fence with this one. He could have probably made a bit more effort but without being there it’s hard to tell. Sometimes they do just get overly tired and awkward and actually not going to a class might be for the best if she was in a tizz. My own 4 year old has been a pain in the arse at one of her activities this morning.

minipie · 22/10/2023 09:25

Honestly it depends on what he said to her.

If after the trousers and the fuss about wanting you he’d said “you’re clearly tired DD, one more strop and no gymnastics” and then at the jumper strop “ok, too many strops, we’re going home”
… then I think it’s a reasonable consequence (and probably for the best as tired)

If he just got crosser and crosser and then said fine we are going home at the jumper strop - but without explaining it was because multiple strops = too tired for gymnastics - then he’s an arse.

Original poster
Mysteriousflo · 22/10/2023 09:27

Thanks all.
interesting the difference in responses.
just to clarify. She wasn’t crying about going. Dh wanted her to put her trousers on and she was in a silly mood. E.g. pretending to be a ghost with a blanket on her head type of thing. She cried because he put her trousers on.
when I say it’s what she looks forward to - it’s her first weekend class that we’ve enrolled her in and she’s proud that she goes. She has 2 older brothers that have sports classes and if we’re ever too busy to take them all, she’s the first that gets bumped. Makes sense for now, as she’s the youngest and boys are at a more committed level.
so was upset that it was one week she could go and it was handled badly.
she never cries in class. She loves getting involved and interacting with the other kids and teachers.
Dh can be rough with boys too and all this doesn’t sit well with me.
he was also up late so I think he would’ve handled better if he hadn’t made himself tired.

OP posts:
theprincessthepea · 22/10/2023 09:32

I would be mad too. My ex was similar. He did a great job taking my DD swimming when she was about 6 at one point. But would easily be swayed if she said “I don’t want to” or “im tired”.

it was so annoying because you want to teach DD to commit.

Letting you know that YANBU

Lifeinlists · 22/10/2023 09:40

Sounds like he's a bit short on both empathy and patience. It was all her fault and he was handling the situation perfectly, I don't think.

Many parents would reflect and think they could have done that better. Certainly not continue to berate a 4 year old. Is he sometimes 'rough' with her too? Not a nice trait.

Sirzy · 22/10/2023 09:42

So it’s all right for her to miss it normally but not as a consequence for her silly behaviour?

she was silly, she didn’t listen to simple instructions. Next time she will know that “stop that or you won’t be able to go” means just that.