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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking DD into her gymnastics class

121 replies

Mysteriousflo · 21/10/2023 23:03

Hi

I need some perspective here and hoping wise MN’rs can help me figure out AIBU

DH was left to take DD4 to gymnastics class this morn.

I’d already given her breakfast and got her partly dressed but then needed to leave with DS to get him to his classes. Her class was an hour later than his.

get home later and find out DH didn’t take her into gymnastics.

he said she wouldn’t put her trousers on / was messing around so he put her trousers on her which made her upset. He then got her in the car and drove to the car park right outside the class. Apparently on the way she was upset and wanted me.

he went to get her out of the car but she started crying and said she needed a jumper as it was cold. (She didn’t as it’s a hop into the front door and she never usually has an extra jumper)

so he said fine we’ll go home and brought her back home instead of waiting for her to calm take her in.

this has made me so sad. And I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. It’s her one weekend class that she always looks forward to and gets so much out of. He drove her right outside the front door and when she was upset basically just drove her home again.

then kept saying about her bad behaviour when we got back.

she’s 4!

AIBU to feel sad about this situation. It feels like it escalated too much. I would’ve just waited until she was calm and taken her in then.

OP posts:
BlueEyedPeanut · 22/10/2023 11:47

She's going to learn that if Dad tells her to do something, she better do it. Rather than thinking she has time to whine and fanny around until Mum finally starts a countdown.

Dramatic · 22/10/2023 11:53

The thing is without being there and seeing how bad she'd been in the hour that you weren't there it's impossible to know if he was being unreasonable. Sounds like she'd been a right pickle for him and he'd just had enough, she will probably have learnt a valuable lesson.

7Worfs · 22/10/2023 12:02

Isthisexpected · 22/10/2023 06:34

I agree. He couldn't be arsed using appropriate parenting skills so manhandled her and then didn't attempt to comfort or regulate her so she wasn't able to go basically.

Show quote history

100% this.

I’m amazed to see so many posters not able to read the situation (or forgot what 4 year olds are like).

honeylulu · 22/10/2023 12:14

Hmmm I'm on OP's side here. I agree the husband sounds like a lazy indulgent parent. A parent knows (or should know) when their child is genuinely upset/under the weather or just pissing about.

My daughter does a dance class in Saturday and would occasionally start moaning about a "tummy ache" or "tiredness" shortly before we are due to leave. This strangely always coincided with not wanting to stop watching a TV programme or similar, and despite having been leaping around in rude health earlier. The first couple of times I said OK you can stay home but you can't watch telly all day so it goes off and I'm not going to entertain you. As predicted shortly afterwards: "I'm bored!" and "aren't we going anywhere today?". Evil mother that I am, I let her be bored. She rarely tries it on any more although of course there have been days when she genuinely feels unwell and that's different (and obvious!)

Ladybrrrd · 22/10/2023 12:22

honeylulu · 22/10/2023 12:14

Hmmm I'm on OP's side here. I agree the husband sounds like a lazy indulgent parent. A parent knows (or should know) when their child is genuinely upset/under the weather or just pissing about.

My daughter does a dance class in Saturday and would occasionally start moaning about a "tummy ache" or "tiredness" shortly before we are due to leave. This strangely always coincided with not wanting to stop watching a TV programme or similar, and despite having been leaping around in rude health earlier. The first couple of times I said OK you can stay home but you can't watch telly all day so it goes off and I'm not going to entertain you. As predicted shortly afterwards: "I'm bored!" and "aren't we going anywhere today?". Evil mother that I am, I let her be bored. She rarely tries it on any more although of course there have been days when she genuinely feels unwell and that's different (and obvious!)

So when you or OP decide the child should stay home, you're being good parents. When Dad decides they will go home, he is a bad parent. When gets the DD in the car and makes the effort to drive, he is lazy. When you or OP decide to just stay home, you are not. What is the difference please? Is it the sex of the parent? Genuinely not understanding the mentality, or how the Dad could have won here.

7Worfs · 22/10/2023 12:27

Ladybrrrd · 22/10/2023 12:22

So when you or OP decide the child should stay home, you're being good parents. When Dad decides they will go home, he is a bad parent. When gets the DD in the car and makes the effort to drive, he is lazy. When you or OP decide to just stay home, you are not. What is the difference please? Is it the sex of the parent? Genuinely not understanding the mentality, or how the Dad could have won here.

Show quote history

The Dad manhandled the 4yo with the trousers instead of managing the silliness first. She was upset, he didn’t help regulate her emotions, so she reacted emotionally from then on. He didn’t read her correctly, didn’t help anchoring the volatile emotions he caused.

How is that so hard to grasp?

7Worfs · 22/10/2023 12:28

The Dad was cutting corners with parenting essentially to make his life easier. No attempt whatsoever to adjust his approach to dealing with a 4yo whose brain hasn’t developed yet.

1990thatsme · 22/10/2023 12:30

Tell us more about how DH is “rough with the boys”

Backagain23 · 22/10/2023 12:32

I did this with DS once. We were on our way to one of those role play cafes as a special treat and he was so excited but then proceeded to piss about and fight me every step of the way when it came to getting ready. So we just didn't go.
There was a meltdown but as I said, only had to do this once. Lesson learned.
Sometimes there just isn't the time to work through emotions and regulate and reason with them.

Chickpea17 · 22/10/2023 12:34

I'm with your husband kids shouldn't get rewarded for having tantrums. Sounds like she was playing him up from the moment you left the house.

RedHelenB · 22/10/2023 12:38

Coyoacan · 22/10/2023 00:19

It doesn't sound like the end of the world. He is her father and should be able to make decisions when she is in his care, unless he is abusive, in which case, LTB

This.

Original poster
Mysteriousflo · 22/10/2023 12:44

agree, no world ending here. Thank goodness.
I’ve never said i solely decide when she doesn’t go. We make those decisions together and try to compensate for her missing her class in those situations (doesn’t happen often)

OP posts:
Parker231 · 22/10/2023 12:55

DiddyHeck · 22/10/2023 00:27

She was trying to run rings around him with the trouser thing and then the jumper etc.

She pushed the boundaries and that was her consequence.

I like his parenting style but I accept it's not for everyone.

Agreed - she wouldn’t cooperate getting dressed and then had a tantrum. Sounds like she isn’t behaving well enough and would be better to wait until she is older.

Vinrouge4 · 22/10/2023 13:05

I feel your pain OP. Men can be completely useless sometimes.

Thelnebriati · 22/10/2023 13:06

The 'bad behaviour' comment would worry me.

UpUpUpU · 22/10/2023 13:09

I would have brought her home too. I have no time for pandering to children. My son would have got the opportunity to get out the car and go into their class, without tears, or I’d take him home and he’d hopefully learn for next time.

Gobleki · 22/10/2023 13:13

Only bad parenting if he’s constantly inpatient with her. If not he’s taught her a valuable lesson. Fuck around and find out! Love kids and love my own. Stop acting like teaching basic manners and consequences is damaging kids.

Gobleki · 22/10/2023 13:23

Your child’s brain develops in the correct way when you drag them into the real world by showing them that each action has a consequence.
Nobody can comment whether Dad was just being inpatient and in a bad mood or she was genuinely being too silly. Only Mum knows what is likely there so we will have to assume she was being too silly and therefore Dad was correct.
Kids need to understand that adults have lives / agendas / tolerance thresholds / time limits . To not teach them that is failing them.

Dweetfidilove · 22/10/2023 13:25

I agree with @DiddyHeck .

I'm so confused by the manhandling comments… How would dad get a child who is refusing to put her clothes on, into said clothes?

How long are you meant to talk, cajole, encourage and regulate before missing the session or dropping her off to disrupt everyone else?

Somewhatchallenging · 22/10/2023 13:57

Vinrouge4 · 22/10/2023 13:05

I feel your pain OP. Men can be completely useless sometimes.

Are you for real?!

margotrose · 22/10/2023 14:05

I think your DH did the right thing.

She had a tantrum at home and refused to get dressed properly, then had another one in the car. So the consequence was going home and missing out on her activity. Seems perfectly normal to me.

I also disagree with everyone saying it's the easy option. Taking home an upset, stroppy 4yo is much harder than giving in and taking them to their class for someone else to deal with.

Isthisexpected · 22/10/2023 17:20

7Worfs · 22/10/2023 12:28

The Dad was cutting corners with parenting essentially to make his life easier. No attempt whatsoever to adjust his approach to dealing with a 4yo whose brain hasn’t developed yet.

Edited

Exactly this.

CaroleSinger · 22/10/2023 17:30

Why are we so terrified of exposing children to any form of consequences these days? She was messing about from the off. Wouldn't get dressed, wouldn't get out of the car, then started crying because daddy forgot to bring cotton wool to wrap her in. Now she's learned an important lesson about the consequences of messing about when her parent is trying to get her into a lesson. I'm on team DH. Suck it up kid.

Parker231 · 22/10/2023 17:32

Thelnebriati · 22/10/2023 13:06

The 'bad behaviour' comment would worry me.

It was bad behaviour - she wasn’t doing as she was told.

margotrose · 22/10/2023 17:33

Isthisexpected · 22/10/2023 17:20

Exactly this.

Show quote history

How was he making his life easier?

He had to go home and deal with a stroppy four year old on his own. If he wanted an easy life, he'd have sent her to her class and buggered off to sit in McDonald's for an hour!