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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not taking DD into her gymnastics class

121 replies

Mysteriousflo · 21/10/2023 23:03

Hi

I need some perspective here and hoping wise MN’rs can help me figure out AIBU

DH was left to take DD4 to gymnastics class this morn.

I’d already given her breakfast and got her partly dressed but then needed to leave with DS to get him to his classes. Her class was an hour later than his.

get home later and find out DH didn’t take her into gymnastics.

he said she wouldn’t put her trousers on / was messing around so he put her trousers on her which made her upset. He then got her in the car and drove to the car park right outside the class. Apparently on the way she was upset and wanted me.

he went to get her out of the car but she started crying and said she needed a jumper as it was cold. (She didn’t as it’s a hop into the front door and she never usually has an extra jumper)

so he said fine we’ll go home and brought her back home instead of waiting for her to calm take her in.

this has made me so sad. And I’m not sure if I’m overreacting. It’s her one weekend class that she always looks forward to and gets so much out of. He drove her right outside the front door and when she was upset basically just drove her home again.

then kept saying about her bad behaviour when we got back.

she’s 4!

AIBU to feel sad about this situation. It feels like it escalated too much. I would’ve just waited until she was calm and taken her in then.

OP posts:
GeorgeBeckett · 22/10/2023 09:45

I'm not sure if was the lazy option? Surely 45 minutes of engaging activity delivered by someone else when you are already at the venue is easier than managing a grumpy 4 year old at home!

Icopewhenihope · 22/10/2023 09:45

I’m with your husband on this one. She will think twice about kicking off next time. She loves learned a valuable lesson.

Ladybrrrd · 22/10/2023 09:46

So two natural consequences. She was mucking about when asked to put trousers trousers are put on. She was tantruming about her jumper we'll go home.

Assuming that there isn't a drip feed saying that he is abusive or that he hit her, I'm still failing to see the big deal. Of course he could have been more patient, but I think that's true of all of us sometimes.

Having a conversation with DH and listening to him might be worth it - perhaps you could talk about how he was feeling and how to deal with her tantrumming - but she's not going to be the first child in the world growing up with a parent that's a bit stricter than the others. Next time hopefully she'll be quicker to get ready!

namechange55465 · 22/10/2023 09:47

How would you have dealt with this OP?

It doesn't sound like she was going to just calm down and let him take her inside. She had had several strops about things.

Ladybrrrd · 22/10/2023 09:47

I don't know why that's done a strikethrough!

drspouse · 22/10/2023 09:50

Did she want to go to the class or was she hoping she could stay home and have extra breakfast/TV?

Divebar2021 · 22/10/2023 09:52

its all well and good saying “natural consequences” if you’re generally calm and un phased by the behaviour. It doesn’t sound like that though it sounds like he was tired and angry and she was picking up on that energy. By the time he got to the door he was basically in a “fuck you” mood.

Original poster
Mysteriousflo · 22/10/2023 09:53

I would have done what I would usually do and which usually works. I would have warned her that if she didn’t put clothes on then we wouldn’t go.
if she kept mucking around I would start counting to three to show I’m serious (I always follow through with whatever the thing on 3 is). And I would be shocked if that didn’t work but we would stay home if it didn’t.
i wouldn’t put her trousers on her when she’s resisting. And I wouldn’t drive to the class so she could see it right there and turn around to go home. Just makes it seem a bit cruel to me.
similar approach at the venue. Warning and consequences. Not - I don’t like your behaviour, we’re off.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 22/10/2023 09:55

Your approach is exactly what I would do with my DD4 and it has never not worked. Escalating so quickly without warning leaves children confused without enough time to process what’s going in. He was being lazy and clearly couldn’t be arsed with the class.

LIZS · 22/10/2023 09:56

So you would have rather he called it quits before leaving? Tbh I doubt he could win, had he done so it would have been lazy parenting . She did continue to fuss so he brought her back, consequences of her actions. She didn't ask for a jumper before they left it was just another stalling tactic. Maybe he could have preempted that but was there not a layer in her bag.

Icopewhenihope · 22/10/2023 09:57

Mysteriousflo · 22/10/2023 09:53

I would have done what I would usually do and which usually works. I would have warned her that if she didn’t put clothes on then we wouldn’t go.
if she kept mucking around I would start counting to three to show I’m serious (I always follow through with whatever the thing on 3 is). And I would be shocked if that didn’t work but we would stay home if it didn’t.
i wouldn’t put her trousers on her when she’s resisting. And I wouldn’t drive to the class so she could see it right there and turn around to go home. Just makes it seem a bit cruel to me.
similar approach at the venue. Warning and consequences. Not - I don’t like your behaviour, we’re off.

So she does this on the regular then? Doesn’t sound like your method works to be fair. Maybe a short sharp shock like she got this morning will do the trick.

Dhilezzz · 22/10/2023 10:02

Honestly, I don’t think your husband can win here. It sounds like you’d have picked fault with whatever he decided to do.

its a 4 year olds class and she now knows actions have consequences, if this makes you really upset then you need to get a grip of yourself.

Ladybrrrd · 22/10/2023 10:08

Divebar2021 · 22/10/2023 09:52

its all well and good saying “natural consequences” if you’re generally calm and un phased by the behaviour. It doesn’t sound like that though it sounds like he was tired and angry and she was picking up on that energy. By the time he got to the door he was basically in a “fuck you” mood.

Maybe he was tired and angry. OP can have a conversation about that and ask how he is feeling at the moment, share tips like counting down, etc. I agree it would have been better to give warnings, but there aren't always warnings in life! Sometimes people just get fed up with your behavior and its ok for her to learn that imo.

He's allowed to be tired and angry. Those are normal human emotions. He didn't smack her, he didn't scream or shout at her, he didn't drag her in to class. he just put her trousers on and then turned around when she didn't stop stropping. It sounds like was calm. You are projecting the words 'fuck you' on to him. OP says herself that her method might end with her not going. OP is allowed to decide that she doesn't go when the boys have things to do. So it's a bit unfair people piling on the DH for making the decision tbh!

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/10/2023 10:11

It doesn’t sound like she does enjoy the class all that much tbh if that’s how she behaves on the regular

PuttingDownRoots · 22/10/2023 10:15

Is there an after school class you can get her too weekly if your weekends are too busy with older kids stuff?

You have given her the message that hers isn't important

ittakes2 · 22/10/2023 10:23

I don’t know it’s really hard to comment on your third party view on what went on. If he couldn’t be bothered he would have stopped at the trousers incident and not driven all the way there.
I suspect she might have been reacting to you not taking her and him taking her but she couldn’t put her feelings into words.
But also it does stand out to me if you have to convince a child to go to something they apparently they like it sounds like you might be setting yourself up for a lot of extra convincing throughout her childhood - she may be enjoying the attention and you are establishing her in a pattern which might make her appear like someone who is hard work when she is older.
I am guessing she might be your youngest and you did say you feel sorry for her due to her getting dumped if her brothers have something important - are you sure you are not being over sensitive to her?

Mariposista · 22/10/2023 10:25

Letsgocamping67 · 22/10/2023 00:00

Sounds like she may have learnt not to have a tantrum or she will miss out on the class.

This! If he had sent her in she would potentially have disrupted the class for the other children and teacher.
She will soon learn that if you don’t behave well you miss out.

Wolvesart · 22/10/2023 10:36

He made the right choice, it doesn’t sound like she was up for it.

Oganesson118 · 22/10/2023 10:40

I suspect if it was a mother who has done this it would be robust parenting and showing that actions have consequences but as it's a man, it's lazy and impatient parenting.

To be honest in my experience, if a kid that age is playing up before a 45 minute class, they're unlikely to suddenly buck up their ideas once they're in and it becomes a waste of time because they won't do the activities anyway.

QueenOfCarrotFlowers · 22/10/2023 10:54

No, sorry, I don't think he was wrong. As pp said she was testing boundaries and ultimately he gave her a lot of leeway actually getting her there - I don't think that she is being hard done by to not be taken to her gymnastics class having had endless strops and been refusing to cooperate with getting ready - those are the sort of behaviours that do result in you missing out. I think that's a natural consequence.

rainbowstardrops · 22/10/2023 11:00

She was messing around at home and not doing what she was supposed to be doing. Then she was tearful in the car because she wanted you. Then she cried again because she didn't have a jumper. It sounds like she was too emotional for the class and maybe your DH was worried she'd disrupt the class.

If he just couldn't be arsed to take her then he'd be lazy and I'd be cross but he did take her but she was kicking off. I'd have done the same as him.

And you said that sometimes she can't go because of her older siblings, so it's not like she's never missed a class before!

Out of interest, if you consider your parenting style better than your husbands then why don't you take your daughter to the gym class and your husband takes the older ones to their sport?

Original poster
Mysteriousflo · 22/10/2023 11:02

Yes, I usually do take her every week.
i didn’t this week as ds had sports class and then a birthday party. Dh didn’t want to take him to the birthday party so we switched.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 22/10/2023 11:05

I can see why you're upset about this, he sounds lazy if he couldn't be bothered even trying reassure her that not having a jumper was fine in this weather, and support her to go into the class.

Mariposista · 22/10/2023 11:06

you sound a bit nicey nicey gentle. She needs to stop arsing around and do as she's told if she wants to get to do things. Boring morning at home while brothers get to have fun sounds like a good lesson learned.

zingally · 22/10/2023 11:34

I'm afraid I'm rather with the dad on this one.

She played up before leaving (trouser-gate).
She whined in the car.
She whined about needing a jumper - something she never has normally.

And today she's learnt that whining gets her nowhere with dad at least.
It's a 45 minute class for a 4-year old, it's not ground-breakingly important.

Is she a reception-going 4 year old? She's probably exhausted after her first half term.

I'm a primary school teacher, and when both of mine where that age, I made a point to have zero clubs or anything until at least Christmas. I know from experience how intense that first half term at school is for children, and I wanted school and it's associated routines to be our sole focus for at least a term.

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