Friend comes along on playdate with all her kids every time - AIBU to be annoyed

[elmow]

I have a friend who isn’t comfortable with drop off playdates. Her boys are 11 and 8. My son is 11 years old. She will find a way of them all coming and her two year old daughter too…My son’s actual friend is the 11 year old though he plays with both boys. I find it really exhausting having them all over as I have to then cook and entertain all of them and I only want a playdate for my son.

It's not just this, she’s made it perfectly clear she will never be happy with sleepovers. And will never accept a lift from me even if it inconveniences her. She just has no trust. She is like this with everyone. And has said she wouldn’t accept a sleepover with so and so because they have weird guests at their house, or so and so because they are having marital problems etc. Basically everyone is vetoed. And I don’t know the reason, but we are clearly vetoed too. I find it hard to be friends knowing she’s only at our house because she doesn’t trust leaving her kids with me. Ive held back recently as my son has plenty of other friends with parents that are happy to just drop off and where this is reciprocated.

Am I unreasonable to find this annoying? Or should I put up with it for the sake of my sons friendship?

I would stop inviting then round and only see them out of the house tbh. Do you only have one child? I can see why you don't want 3 extra of different ages.

He's 11. By September next year this will no longer be an issue. If you can last that long, just keep putting up with it. If not, just let things slide naturally. 11 year olds don't need to arrange playdates.

Can he not just meet the other lad at the park?11 is a bit old for play dates (unless there is any SEN issues), they will be at secondary soon.

Just stop asking them.

Not unreasonable of you at all. Obviously it's up to her if she doesn't want him coming alone but that would mean he wouldn't be coming to play to be honest.

Tell her the boys will be with your dh as you are going out. Whatever her issues are she sounds downright cheeky for staying and not even considering that you might something else to do.

Just send your son to hers.

Unless your son is lonely and this kid is his only friend (in which case suck it up once a fortnight) no way should you be providing entertainment for an enter family.

She has another two, max year years to do this though, after that she will inevitably start letting him go.

Thank you for your reply @BoohooWoohoo . I’ve been suggesting this recently. To meet at a park but she always says ‘can I let you know later?’ and never commits which means I’m left hanging till the day. She usually then says then can’t come out as they are tired. She will only commit if it’s a house based playdate.

I have a 9 month old baby too so my main aim is for my son to be busy whilst I look after his brother.

You don't know what's happened in her past to make her feel like this. Of course you're not obliged to host the whole clan each time, but a bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss. He'll be off to secondary school so, won't he?

11 isn't too old for playdates but it is too old for him not being allowed to come to your house without his mother.
Do you know why she is so anxious?
Can you just say to her something like it's nice seeing you all but it is also nice for the older boys to have time.to themselves
so the invitation is just for the 11 year old

Tell her you want the boys to remain friends but you can't cope with the stress of a full house and three extra people. Ask her what solutions she would come up with. Say the 11 year old would be welcome to come for a play date in future but not other siblings and parents and if this doesn't work for her she will have to come up with an alternative for the boys to continue their friendship.

Oh please. This woman has no consideration for op who has a small baby and plants herself there expecting cooking and her other son to be entertained too.

I think the sleepovers are a separate issue to be honest. Given most harm to children comes from people who know the children and the family, I don't think it's fair to judge parents if they have a different line on sleepovers.

The main issue is not being willing to let the kids go to the park, plus regularly bringing herself and other kids with her to what is an 11 year old's invitation to play. Her overbearing nature is likely to start harming her son's social life soon, if it hasn't already.

Who cares? People shouldn’t push their issues on to everyone else. She’s a CF to turn up with her whole brood and sit there, uninvited.

Totally disagree with the post above from @KvotheTheBloodless - you can have empathy for someone who is so anxious that their friend might abuse their 11 year old son that they follow him everywhere to supervise him, and you can also find it inconvenient to have accommodate an entire family visit when what you actually wanted is just for two kids to meet up to play.

YANBU, op. I’d stop inviting them so often if it is causing you hassle. If she can’t / won’t commit to the park, tell her a time she has to let you know by or you’ll make other plans.

@BrightGreenMoonBuggy This is a really good idea, thank you. Yes I will suggest a time to let me know by.

I do have empathy for her. We have been friends a long time and I understand something is underlying her fear. But I don’t feel like having them all over is fun anymore. Before the baby I was a bit more accommodating because I had time on my hands but now I’m just completely exhausted and it’s too much. Shame though, as the 11 year old is probably one of my son’s favourite friends.

Just let the 11yos be friends at school, don't bother with anything out of school.

It's just too much hard work.

This is not a healthy role model for your own son to witness. 11 year olds strive for independence and shrouding them in total parental control is not advisable (IMO). Be honest with your friend, say you have different parenting approaches and that you don’t feel comfortable or want to continue shielding your own DS from the world he has to inhabit. If you continue indulging your friends anxiety you may harm your own sons development.

I've a feeling the mum wouldn't allow him in his own at the park either

I'd encourage his other friendships. There is no way I would cook and have a load of family members round so my child could have a friend over.

Soon the boys won't be going to each others houses any more.

The next time a play date is discussed just say you are finding it a bit overwhelming to have everyone over and your son can go there otherwise it's not going to work for now.

Yeah just tell her you can only accommodate the 11yo.

But she isn't being unreasonable about sleepovers. I never allowed mine to sleepover anywhere other than grandparents. Not a chance.

In my world, 11 years old is far too old, on both boys sides, for the parents even being involved in organising getting together. Don't the boys just sort it themselves to meet both outside of the home, or in the home.

I'd just stop arranging these playdates tbh OP. Maybe say something along the lines of "I'm trying to work on DS building his independence, so he will be meeting friends outdoors from now on. If your DS would like to meet him let me know and we can arrange this". My DS is 10 and my DD is 8 for context. It would really bug me too if the whole brood showed up and stayed for the whole time the boys were hanging out. He will be at secondary school next year so how is she going to police his every interaction then?

At 11 I was still organising and hosting play dates - except with a friend who lived just a few doors down the street. It really depends how accessible the friends are (in terms of location).

The situation described would annoy me too though. In addition to the time limit on getting back to you, could you also put some clear boundaries on at-home play dates? ‘Johnny would love to have Jack over on Saturday but with the baby I just don’t have the energy to socialise myself, so he’s very welcome to come if you can drop him off’.