Friend comes along on playdate with all her kids every time - AIBU to be annoyed

[elmow]

I have a friend who isn’t comfortable with drop off playdates. Her boys are 11 and 8. My son is 11 years old. She will find a way of them all coming and her two year old daughter too…My son’s actual friend is the 11 year old though he plays with both boys. I find it really exhausting having them all over as I have to then cook and entertain all of them and I only want a playdate for my son.

It's not just this, she’s made it perfectly clear she will never be happy with sleepovers. And will never accept a lift from me even if it inconveniences her. She just has no trust. She is like this with everyone. And has said she wouldn’t accept a sleepover with so and so because they have weird guests at their house, or so and so because they are having marital problems etc. Basically everyone is vetoed. And I don’t know the reason, but we are clearly vetoed too. I find it hard to be friends knowing she’s only at our house because she doesn’t trust leaving her kids with me. Ive held back recently as my son has plenty of other friends with parents that are happy to just drop off and where this is reciprocated.

Am I unreasonable to find this annoying? Or should I put up with it for the sake of my sons friendship?

I’d stop inviting. Sadly no matter what the mums reasons are this boys world is going to end up incredibly tiny. I’m surprised anyone puts up with this at 11 tbh but come secondary school his going to be “that kid with the weird mum” who’s never allowed out or has to basically be treated like a toddler on reins.

The no sleepovers is very weird sorry. They have been a staple of my twos social lives for years most weekends our teens at other peoples houses

For lots of families, mines included, sleepovers were never a thing.

I wasn’t allowed them. My children weren’t either. And neither are my grandchildren. We have cousin sleepovers and I have grandchildren at my house at sleepovers. But no. We didn’t do sleepovers at a friends and no one’s the worse off for it.

That's what I was (clumsily) trying to say in my post - that it's normal to find this irritating, although you might also empathise with the mother's situation. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

The sleepover issue isn't a big deal but imagine the oldest having a gf at secondary and having to bring the other siblings on a date or something 😂

Your baby is a good excuse to stop this now. ‘I didn’t mind so much before, but now X has come along, I need to keep him in routine at home.’

My daughter had a friend like this. They are 13 now and known each other since kinder. Sadly the poor girl has lost all her friends because the kids don't want the mom constantly following them everywhere. I feel very sorry for her she isn't even allowed to go on field trips. You are not unreasonable at all

It’s appalling parenting. You are supposed to gradually let them have age appropriate independence

Live rurally so wouldn't be possible to just expect 11 year olds to find their way to a park to meet and playdates are the norm. But the whole family attending would be draining I agree.

We will never do sleepovers and will never do playdates unless trusted friend. But that doesnt mean she should impose on you like this. She should be finding the reasonable work around not you. Like inviting your child to hers and doing all the cooking etc.

Unless there are some particular issues, I'm genuinely shocked at the "no sleepovers ever" brigade. It's not necessary, no. But it's so much fun, it's such an exciting thing! And surely when they're teens they do sleepovers? I don't know a single family who won't do them (I know a few whose kids didn't want to when they were younger, but all of them do now as teens).
Sorry OP I realise this wasn't the point of your post at all!

If a situation doesn't suit you, end it. My DD had a friend who's mother was like this. The mother had been abused as a child and had zero trust in other humans as a result. She once cut off contact for a year because I let her DD and mine play outside. When she decided to end the ban I decided it was too much for me. I did my therapy and she hadn't and it was really dragging me down.

Fair enough. Maybe boys are less fussed.

I'm rural too, and it was the norm to drive your child to someone else's house because walking/biking wasn't practical. Normally it was a tentative 'arrangement' between the kids and then a conversation between the parents re dropping off/picking up and the times.

By 11 we stopped referring to them as 'playdates'. My sons would have been horrified to hear me refer to 'hanging out with XXX' as a 'playdate'.

As far as the OP's situation, I agree, a whole family showing up would NOT be happening at my house. I don't think I'd stop offering for the 11 year old to come over, but I'd make it clear to the mother that the invitation was for the 11 year old ONLY. She can accept or decline as she chooses.

I'm genuinely shocked at the "no sleepovers ever" brigade

Is there a reason why you’ve referred to people who don’t allow sleepovers as a brigade? I’m asking because the people here who don’t do sleepovers have managed to say so without referring to those who do as the ‘sleepover brigade’.

Unless there are some particular issues, I'm genuinely shocked at the "no sleepovers ever" brigade. It's not necessary, no. But it's so much fun, it's such an exciting thing! And surely when they're teens they do sleepovers? I don't know a single family who won't do them (I know a few whose kids didn't want to when they were younger, but all of them do now as teens).

Myself and none of my year group from one school I attended will ever allow sleepovers.

I used to be gutted to be the only one left out of the popular girls' sleepovers from age 11 upwards. There were only 9 in our year so it was obvious I was left out of these cool, exciting events that were the talk of every Monday.

At 15 the girl who held the sleepovers at her house found footage on the PC of her parents filming themselves abusing her and all of the other girls as they slept, having been sedated with whatever they were given to eat/drink. Going back to the first sleepover aged 11. They were jailed (not for long enough to be honest).

They seemed like really lovely people, anyone would have trusted them and they ran a popular local business. No one would ever have suspected what they'd been doing. The trauma and fall out has been huge. Even if I'd wanted to go, my parents were very strict so I wouldn't have been allowed to attend a sleepover until 15 and not in a mixed sex household. Their rules would have been the only thing that stood in the way from me becoming a victim of the same horrendous abuse as my classmates. I'm sure their parents would do anything to turn back the clock. Just awful.

Mine has got to 17 without needing or wanting a sleepover with friends.

It's just not appealed and I've not encouraged it because I don't know who is coming and going in other people's houses. Some friends have also had dogs which I've worried about (and I'm a dog lover!).

There are lots of opportunities for "fun" in a child's life, but sleepovers have never been an option for us.

I agree with @TolkiensFallow . Don’t arrange any playdates going forward and if she suggests one, say the above. She needs to have some empathy for you as well!

Re. Sleepovers. I agree that it’s a separate issue. One of DD’s friends wasn’t allowed them (her Mum was fine with them, her Dad wasn’t). But she was dropped off for play dates and parties so it wasn’t an issue.

I agree with PP’s saying that this Mum is setting her children up for difficulties though. One of my friends has always been overly anxious around her children and they both have severe anxiety issues-at 18 and 22. It’s a vicious circle if you teach your children to be anxious about life.

And this is why I've not allowed it.

That's horrifying

Poor kid , he must be embarrassed his mum and his toddler siblings come to his mates house ! 🙄

My teen girls spends their lives at their friends houses and their friends at ours. It’s a rare weekend they don’t stay over or have a friend or two (or three) here. It’s a totally run of the mill thing to do. Can’t imagine not allowing it would be very strange.

Unless there are some particular issues, I'm genuinely shocked at the "no sleepovers ever" brigade. It's not necessary, no. But it's so much fun, it's such an exciting thing! And surely when they're teens they do sleepovers? I don't know a single family who won't do them (I know a few whose kids didn't want to when they were younger, but all of them do now as teens).
It's only as important as the adults make it.
I look back at sleepovers as a teen and think I only really went along with it because everyone else was doing it and felt that's what teen girls should do. I'd have been as happy, if not happier getting a lift home.

There's a lot more parents now who are more aware of safeguarding than before and are less likely to fall into the idea that kids need exciting sleepovers to maintain friendships. It's a real mix in my friendship group on what different families allow and we're certainly not the only ones who don't do sleepovers.

If you’ve been friends a long time, can you be honest with her? Kindly, but honest -

Friend, can X come for a play date? I’ll pick him up and drop him home again.

And if she says no, we’ll all come etc then say

I’m sorry, Friend, DS really just wants X on his own this time.

and see where the conversation leads you?

Perhaps she angles to come every time as she wants your company, rather than not trusting you?

TBH, as parents DH and I have always disliked sleepover as very little sleep is actually achieved. 😂 I’d have loved it if it wasn’t the norm in our friendship circles and our children didn’t want them. One extra child is easy, big birthday sleepovers less so.
Luckily they’re older now and less interested, although DS (15) still occasionally has a friend stay over.

I would literally spend every Friday and Saturday night collecting my teen if they’re wereno sleepovers. It’s not a big thing it’s just easier to stay at your mates and be collected in the morning. Pretty much every other parent of teens I know is the same don’t know anyone that doesn’t allow them. I did the same as a teen too.