Friend comes along on playdate with all her kids every time - AIBU to be annoyed

[elmow]

I have a friend who isn’t comfortable with drop off playdates. Her boys are 11 and 8. My son is 11 years old. She will find a way of them all coming and her two year old daughter too…My son’s actual friend is the 11 year old though he plays with both boys. I find it really exhausting having them all over as I have to then cook and entertain all of them and I only want a playdate for my son.

It's not just this, she’s made it perfectly clear she will never be happy with sleepovers. And will never accept a lift from me even if it inconveniences her. She just has no trust. She is like this with everyone. And has said she wouldn’t accept a sleepover with so and so because they have weird guests at their house, or so and so because they are having marital problems etc. Basically everyone is vetoed. And I don’t know the reason, but we are clearly vetoed too. I find it hard to be friends knowing she’s only at our house because she doesn’t trust leaving her kids with me. Ive held back recently as my son has plenty of other friends with parents that are happy to just drop off and where this is reciprocated.

Am I unreasonable to find this annoying? Or should I put up with it for the sake of my sons friendship?

11 years old and having his mummy come along to 'playdates'. My 11 year old son would be horrified. This mother is setting up her son to be an outcast, poor lad.

That's really sad for them.

On the other hand some parents aren't absolute martyrs who mollycoddle their kids and don't allow perfectly normal, fun things like sleepovers which help build independence 🙄

Lol. What a narrow minded view.

My DS isn't sad about it. He's had lots of great days with friends, holidays abroad with family, school residential trips, pretty much everything a child could want.

He honestly hasn't suffered from not staying the night at other people's (outside of family) houses.

I would have allowed it from about age 14 or so but he wasn't interested at all. Never asked so it was never an issue. He was very happy having mates over and them going home at the end of the day or vice versa.

It's very unkind actually to suggest that he would be sad for not having sleepovers. That's where my boundaries have been set. I do hope you're not this judgemental with parents you know IRL. How unkind of you.

Just for info, sleepovers aren't the only way of building independence. That's a veru narrow minded view of independence.

OK I was a bit harsh, but I'm just using my own kids as a benchmark, as we all do, and mine love sleepovers and they would definitely feel like they were missing out if I didn't allow it. Come to think of it one of my sons friends isn't a fan and always ends up going home so apologies for generalising.

Apology accepted.

Exactly. If its none of your business then its not your business to entertain her. Why can't you drop your DS to her house?

I've voted YANBU to find it annoying, but I can't believe you've put up with this when your dc are 11.

You say I find it really exhausting having them all over as I have to then cook and entertain all of them and I only want a playdate for my son

YABVU in this, as clearly you don't "have to" do any such thing.
You should have invited him round to play. Then if she turned up, said "Sorry if I wasn't clear, I was only inviting ds - I've got things to be getting on with". She then chooses to leave her ds or not allow him to stay. At no point did you "have to cook and entertain them all". That is such an odd way to respond.
Even if you were taken back the first time, you could have been really clear the next - "Hi, my dc was wondering if yours can come round and play but I'm not able to host either you or his sibling. Can he come ?" and if she won't let him, then your ds invites someone else.

Crikey - there's really no need for parents to be staying after age 5.

We lived rurally when the DCs were young, they often had friends come for sleepovers and play dates because we had plenty of room and I enjoyed seeing them play together. I never considered that it wasn’t the norm because at that time (‘80/90’s) it was commonplace amongst our friends.
I don’t think we were complacent at all, obviously we got to know new people before these happened.
It’s a great shame if children miss out because of the fear of harm.

Stop inviting them or make clear you won't be inviting all of them.

"My Ben would love for Henry to come and play and it will help me to keep Ben busy as I have work to to / cleaning to do / wouldn't mind some time to myself."

If she doesn't want her son coming over without her then so be it and if she doesn't accept your play dates outside the house I'd go with it.

My house is very much an open door. We had one of dd1's friends stop for a few months and she still regularly visits. My dd's arrange things themselves (11 & 17) and just shove a nod in my direction.

At 11, especially if at secondary / high school you need to start giving them a lot more autonomy.

You must lead a very sheltered life if you are of the impression that sleepovers are the only way to help a child build independence.

In fairness to the OP, I wonder if this crept up on her gradually?

She says the friendship used to be closer, so at one point it would have been just the two older boys and a younger sibling playing together, aged 8, 8 and 6. All quite natural. Then Covid happened, the friend got pregnant, time passes and suddenly OP finds herself in the present situation.

In fairness to the OP, I wonder if this crept up on her gradually?

She says the friendship used to be closer, so at one point it would have been just the two older boys and a younger sibling playing together, aged 8, 8 and 6. All quite natural. Then Covid happened, the friend got pregnant, time passes and suddenly OP finds herself in the present situation
I wondered this and at some point it's crossed from being a mild inconvenience but DC likes seeing his friend to being totally unreasonable.
With the children getting older OP may also reasonably have expected the apron strings to he cut a little so the hosting imposition would naturally decline as the children got older, but this hasn't happened either which exacerbates it.

@BadSkiingMum @LolaSmiles
Exactly this. It wasn’t so bad with the three boys playing but add in her toddler and now being busy with my baby, it’s too much. It was hard to make new friends during lockdown and we sustained our friendship which was invaluable for my son as an only child at that point, so having her boys in our life really did help his social life then. And like @LolaSmiles says I was expecting the situation to naturally get better ie she would get more trusting with time

I had a less hard-core version of this with a friend and her ds and dd. And dd and her friend werea bit younger but I got to the point where I would say something like like, "would mary like to come dor a playdate after school on Tuesday? I can pick them up and then will be working while they play and I have pizza for their dinner. You can collect at 530 or so?"

But to be honest, it sounds like your friend is not going to respond well to that.

You could try , "I'm sorry but I just can't entertain everyone but ds would.love to see your ds. Can we arrange a playdate for just the boys"

Of course, secondary is going to be hell for this childif she doesn't loosen up.

she replied saying it’s her choice, she was really defensive and said it’s none of my business basically…
Reply, it is my business when you expect to sit here as a guest in my home yet don't trust me with your son.
Have you asked why she won't take a lift from you?
Also, do they live near by? can her DS not walk to yours?

YANBU to be racked off with the whole thing but the fact that you put up with this CF - with a 9 month old baby yourself - is just downright unreasonable op.

Her child is 11 - nearly secondary school age - she should be putting his needs first and cutting the apron strings a bit. You are doing her, and the son, no favours by indulging her and her frankly, bizarre worldview. The boy needs ‘normal’ - and leaving an 11 year old with a trusted friend for a play date is what normal kids do.

Tough love needed I’m afraid op. Tell her it’s on his own or not at all. You are not a charity drop in centre for dysfunctional families.

Ime boys are great at picking friendships back up. In 2 years time she won't be doing this. Back away until they can manage themselves..

Only on mumsnet! Show me where I said that sleepovers were the only way to build independence? Go on, show me. You can't because I didn't. Sheltered life indeed 😂

You’re correct. You didn’t. But it’s been very obvious from the get go that not going on sleepovers is seen by you as something detrimental to a young persons development. And I think if you go through all of your replies you’ll see just why a person could be excused for thinking your thoughts on the subject are very obvious.

If you are friends with the mum maybe she sees it as more of a family invite? Does she invite back?
The sleepovers I get tbh as I never allowed mine sleepovers. Though the fact yous are friends should make that easier.
Im actually uncomfortable my child going to houses I don’t really know or am not totally comfortable with. Some of us have pasts that just make us more worried/protective/suspicious than others.
At 11 though she is going to need to let go a bit so I hope she does soon for everyones sakes.

Of course women should just suck it up and be kind!
No
Playdates are for the kids to have fun together so the host Mum can do something else.