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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend comes along on playdate with all her kids every time - AIBU to be annoyed

152 replies

elmow · 21/10/2023 14:25

I have a friend who isn’t comfortable with drop off playdates. Her boys are 11 and 8. My son is 11 years old. She will find a way of them all coming and her two year old daughter too…My son’s actual friend is the 11 year old though he plays with both boys. I find it really exhausting having them all over as I have to then cook and entertain all of them and I only want a playdate for my son.

It's not just this, she’s made it perfectly clear she will never be happy with sleepovers. And will never accept a lift from me even if it inconveniences her. She just has no trust. She is like this with everyone. And has said she wouldn’t accept a sleepover with so and so because they have weird guests at their house, or so and so because they are having marital problems etc. Basically everyone is vetoed. And I don’t know the reason, but we are clearly vetoed too. I find it hard to be friends knowing she’s only at our house because she doesn’t trust leaving her kids with me. Ive held back recently as my son has plenty of other friends with parents that are happy to just drop off and where this is reciprocated.

Am I unreasonable to find this annoying? Or should I put up with it for the sake of my sons friendship?

OP posts:
Sparehair · 21/10/2023 17:53

Yeah- I think sleepovers as a norm varies a lot between schools and social groups. Honestly I think it’s also more a girl thing than a boy thing ( that probably sounds terribly sexist but it’s what I’ve observed from my dc and their year groups (7&8)). The boys only have them for practical reasons or bdays ( usually only in summer when camping out) whereas the girls see them more as a stand-alone social thing.

both dc have friends who don’t do sleepovers as they just don’t like them/ like their own beds or have sports commitments at weekends which mean they need to actually sleep 🤣. It’s not a problem socially.

toomanyleggings · 21/10/2023 17:53

All2Well · 21/10/2023 17:38

Unless there are some particular issues, I'm genuinely shocked at the "no sleepovers ever" brigade. It's not necessary, no. But it's so much fun, it's such an exciting thing! And surely when they're teens they do sleepovers? I don't know a single family who won't do them (I know a few whose kids didn't want to when they were younger, but all of them do now as teens).

Myself and none of my year group from one school I attended will ever allow sleepovers.

I used to be gutted to be the only one left out of the popular girls' sleepovers from age 11 upwards. There were only 9 in our year so it was obvious I was left out of these cool, exciting events that were the talk of every Monday.

At 15 the girl who held the sleepovers at her house found footage on the PC of her parents filming themselves abusing her and all of the other girls as they slept, having been sedated with whatever they were given to eat/drink. Going back to the first sleepover aged 11. They were jailed (not for long enough to be honest).

They seemed like really lovely people, anyone would have trusted them and they ran a popular local business. No one would ever have suspected what they'd been doing. The trauma and fall out has been huge. Even if I'd wanted to go, my parents were very strict so I wouldn't have been allowed to attend a sleepover until 15 and not in a mixed sex household. Their rules would have been the only thing that stood in the way from me becoming a victim of the same horrendous abuse as my classmates. I'm sure their parents would do anything to turn back the clock. Just awful.

This is why I don’t allow sleepovers either. You can’t really know people at all. Just because they’re pleasant on the school run, have good jobs, live in a nice house and post wholesome family pics on social media doesn’t mean you know who they are. You can never know. I was assaulted by my friend’s dad when I was 7 at their house. God knows what he’d have done if I’d been there all night on a bloody sleepover.

TheaBrandt · 21/10/2023 17:54

I agree - I only have girls and it’s the utterly the norm for them. Most Fridays dd2 is at various friends houses or they are here.

TheaBrandt · 21/10/2023 17:55

Primary age I agree only if I was friends with the parents.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/10/2023 17:56

elmow · 21/10/2023 14:46

@BrightGreenMoonBuggy This is a really good idea, thank you. Yes I will suggest a time to let me know by.

I do have empathy for her. We have been friends a long time and I understand something is underlying her fear. But I don’t feel like having them all over is fun anymore. Before the baby I was a bit more accommodating because I had time on my hands but now I’m just completely exhausted and it’s too much. Shame though, as the 11 year old is probably one of my son’s favourite friends.

To me the issue is I'd happily have my friend over and of the kids go off and play together, bonus.

But you don't really see her as a friend anymore, she's your kids mates Mom.

Can he go play at their house?

ForfarBridie · 21/10/2023 17:58

TheaBrandt · 21/10/2023 17:45

My teen girls spends their lives at their friends houses and their friends at ours. It’s a rare weekend they don’t stay over or have a friend or two (or three) here. It’s a totally run of the mill thing to do. Can’t imagine not allowing it would be very strange.

Children/teenagers don’t need sleepovers to have a very busy and enjoyable social life with lots of activities and time to be with friends.

2chocolateoranges · 21/10/2023 18:03

I’d be taking a step back from the friendship and encouraging my child to have other friends over. At 11 there is absolutely no need for a parent to chaperone them on a play date.

if she doesn’t trust you to look after her child then that’s her problem.

HamBone · 21/10/2023 18:03

That’s very true, @Sparehair Both my children are on sports teams (well, DD isn’t currently as she’s just started uni) and so are/were most of their friends. You need plenty of sleep to perform well so that also explains the dwindling sleepovers. Suits me! 🤣

ForfarBridie · 21/10/2023 18:03

I would literally spend every Friday and Saturday night collecting my teen if they’re wereno sleepovers

On the other hand though, other parents may believe that collecting children/teens on a Friday or Saturday night from wherever they’ve been is an important part of being a parent regardless of the inconvenience.

thelongroad · 21/10/2023 18:25

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the thread with the whole sleepover thing. It is very much the norm with my kids' friends, and was when I was growing up too.

"Brigade" as in group of people who all have a similar, often quite strict, way of thinking about something (the "milk before hot water brigade", the "no elbows on the table brigade").

Of course things can happen, we are all aware of safeguarding issues. I don't think those of us who allow sleepovers are less concerned about it than those that don't.
In theory, the mum in the OP is correct in never letting her kids out of her sight - awful things could happen even on a playdate, you don't need to stay overnight somewhere.

We pick up our teen and his friends and bring them all here; likewise the other parents do it if they are staying somewhere else.

cansu · 21/10/2023 18:32

I would ease back on it. If you do invite him you need to push back. E.g would X like to come over? I am sorry I can't invite all of you as am busy with housework . She says no and you say no problem. When her ds starts missing out she will have to rethink. Stop pandering to her.

Gidrich · 21/10/2023 18:36

yogasaurus · 21/10/2023 14:38

Who cares? People shouldn’t push their issues on to everyone else. She’s a CF to turn up with her whole brood and sit there, uninvited.

Show quote history

She was only uninvited the first time though… op knows now that she is like this and will always turn up to play dates but has carried on with the invites. Op just needs to stop inviting them.

pinkyredrose · 21/10/2023 18:41

Why do 11yr olds need their mum's to organise their friendship? Why can't they just go round each others houses on their own?

billy1966 · 21/10/2023 18:48

Why would you entertain this at all?

Invite other children over instead.

It really is that simple.

Her anxiety is her business but why you have to entertain it is beyond me.

Stop inviting him and focus on other friendships as this one is likely to always have issues.

CruCru · 21/10/2023 18:53

You know, I think this is one of those times when it’s more polite to be direct. Say that you are only planning on hosting your son’s friend and you need to get on with your tax return / reorganising the kitchen / whatever it is. If leaving him with you is not something she wants to do, so be it. He can’t come over.

I don’t feel strongly about sleepovers. I think they sound more fun than they are.

ForfarBridie · 21/10/2023 18:56

Brigade" as in group of people who all have a similar, often quite strict, way of thinking about something (the "milk before hot water brigade", the "no elbows on the table brigade")

Often quite strict? Why would you think that? And does it mean if those parents are quite strict then the sleepover brigade parents are negligent?

I think you’d find that the majority of parents who don’t allow sleepovers are too busy getting on with doing other things/running their family life that not much thought, if any, is given to sleepovers or the families who allow them.

Macaroni46 · 21/10/2023 19:00

thelongroad · 21/10/2023 17:24

Unless there are some particular issues, I'm genuinely shocked at the "no sleepovers ever" brigade. It's not necessary, no. But it's so much fun, it's such an exciting thing! And surely when they're teens they do sleepovers? I don't know a single family who won't do them (I know a few whose kids didn't want to when they were younger, but all of them do now as teens).
Sorry OP I realise this wasn't the point of your post at all!

Agreed. This is perplexing me too!

mathanxiety · 21/10/2023 19:00

Invite the lad over, and when they arrive, you should get busy with a thorough cleaning of the kitchen, emptying the fridge and freezer, wiping down the shelves, and cleaning the oven too. Maybe empty several drawers and hoover and wipe them, then rearrange.

Take your time.

Offer plain Ritz crackers to the uninvited children and the CF mother, who should take steps to deal with her issues before her child ends up friendless.

TheaBrandt · 21/10/2023 19:03

Snarky post about me abrogating my parenting duties! My teen would think I had gone totally mad if I insisted on picking her up from lovely her friends houses of a friday night “for safety reasons”

Lucy377 · 21/10/2023 19:06

Sounds like she has separation anxiety from her kids.
I'd say to her in texts for the park 'and can you let me know by 11am otherwise I'll do my own thing'

For the playdate you can say ' why don't you just leave X here on his own this time. It'd be nice for them to just have their own time together. I promise to take really good care of them'

mathanxiety · 21/10/2023 19:10

Putting the kids in the car and venturing out on the road home from a friend's house together on a Friday night is statistically more likely to result in damage than leaving them at the sleepover.

Original poster
elmow · 21/10/2023 19:11

Thanks for your messages everyone

I guess I’ve entertained it out of habit and it was a lot easier to host when I had one child. They were often available too so it was easier to default to them.

Thing is my friendship with her has suffered because it’s very hard not to be offended by her doing this. It’s a shame because the kids were solid friends but I can’t be doing with this all the time now…I have reduced the playdates a lot in the last year as I was exhausted in late pregnancy so I started to suggest to meet in a park which she nearly always says ‘I’ll come back to you’ on but never does so the kids don’t really have much of a relationship anymore. But my son still calls this boy one of his best friends, I guess because of all the shared times. It feels sad after all the years of knowing her to have grown further apart rather than closer. I did say to her once I don’t think you should let fear rule you with regards to not letting anyone ever look after them but she replied saying it’s her choice, she was really defensive and said it’s none of my business basically…

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 21/10/2023 19:11

It's up to her how she chooses to parent just as much as it is to decide that you don't want to deal with the fallout from her choices.

Personally I feel sorry for her elder children. Certainly but the age of 11 (and even 8) being "supervised" by your mother while playing with friends can't be a positive experience - and I wouldn't be surprised if other friends (and their parents) are reluctant to play with him for this reason.

She may well have her reasons BUT that's not your problem to be honest and equally I don't think it's healthy to enable her overly controlling behaviour towards her children and the ridiculous expectation of a host feeding and entertaining both herself and two siblings (part of the plus of a play date is the children being able to do their own thing to an age/activity appropriate level of supervision, whilst you crack on with other things).

Personally I would stop arranging play dates with her and if she requests a visit I'd be straight with her and say that you don't have the time to feed and entertain her entire family and herself. As such her son is welcome to come and play solo or they can meet up at a local park but if she's unhappy with that arrangement then she needs to explain why to her child and you will do similar with yours.

Ultimately this is her issue to resolve (regardless of her reasons) and not yours.

billy1966 · 21/10/2023 19:39

OP, you sound really nice but you need to accept it is none of your business.

Keep suggesting the park with a "get back to me tmeline", and then let it go.

This situation will not disappear and as your son becomes a teen it will become more of an issue.

Encourage his other friendships and if he asks you have proof of all the efforts by text you made to meet up.

Just drift away.

Santaiscomingsoon · 21/10/2023 19:47

I am probably this mum or will be, my son isn’t that old yet. I know too much and know too many horror stories that my kids will never be allowed to do a sleep over.

I am also not a fan of play dates if I’m not present.

Stats are 1 in 20 children have been sexual assault in some way. Over 50% is by people the parents trusted but aren’t related.

It’s maybe seen as over kill by a lot of people but I never want my children to be put in that situation. We have a very small circle of people we trust with our children alone.