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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend comes along on playdate with all her kids every time - AIBU to be annoyed

152 replies

elmow · 21/10/2023 14:25

I have a friend who isn’t comfortable with drop off playdates. Her boys are 11 and 8. My son is 11 years old. She will find a way of them all coming and her two year old daughter too…My son’s actual friend is the 11 year old though he plays with both boys. I find it really exhausting having them all over as I have to then cook and entertain all of them and I only want a playdate for my son.

It's not just this, she’s made it perfectly clear she will never be happy with sleepovers. And will never accept a lift from me even if it inconveniences her. She just has no trust. She is like this with everyone. And has said she wouldn’t accept a sleepover with so and so because they have weird guests at their house, or so and so because they are having marital problems etc. Basically everyone is vetoed. And I don’t know the reason, but we are clearly vetoed too. I find it hard to be friends knowing she’s only at our house because she doesn’t trust leaving her kids with me. Ive held back recently as my son has plenty of other friends with parents that are happy to just drop off and where this is reciprocated.

Am I unreasonable to find this annoying? Or should I put up with it for the sake of my sons friendship?

OP posts:
HavfrueDenizKisi · 21/10/2023 15:23

Does your son get invited over the the friend's house OP? And if he does do you drop him off and go?

Personally I'd not be having any more play dates at my house for this reason.

Yes the parent clearly has issues/concerns but she's being massively over protective to the detriment of her son's development and is going to have a huge shock when her son hits secondary school age and the teenage years. She's not equipping him for life.

TolkiensFallow · 21/10/2023 15:31

I think you just need to be honest and say “I can’t manage having all of you over now that I’m so busy with the baby but the 11 year old is welcome”

I do understand that her protectiveness is probably a trauma reaction but equally he’ll be at secondary school soon and she’s going to have to give him some independence. Surely it’s better for her to practice doing this with a friend like you who she knows and knows your house before he suddenly announces he’s off somewhere unknown after school.

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2023 15:33

KvotheTheBloodless · 21/10/2023 14:31

You don't know what's happened in her past to make her feel like this. Of course you're not obliged to host the whole clan each time, but a bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss. He'll be off to secondary school so, won't he?

And he's going to be absolutely mortified if his mother doesn't change her stance.

You do NOT get involved with social arrangements when at Secondary

thelongroad · 21/10/2023 15:36

@YellowRibbon710 What, no sleepovers at friends ever? At any age? And you never had friends sleeping over?

CustardySergeant · 21/10/2023 15:36

Do you know why she won't accept a lift from you?

Ktime · 21/10/2023 15:37

YANBU, encourage other friendships. Don’t invite again. Suggest you drop your son there.

If you do end up inviting the ds’ friend again and she shows up, do NOT cook for her or the 2yo. A cup of tea or water and that’s it.

Coldinscotland · 21/10/2023 15:37

Book clip and climb. Leave your dc with a relative.. She can run round amusing a toddler while you drink coffee and the boys have fun...

Pretendthatwearedead · 21/10/2023 15:39

This would only happen to me once as I would not have them round again.

TulipCat · 21/10/2023 15:41

No way would I be having them all round. Just let the boys be friends at school and leave it at that. It might mean their friendship wanes a bit but so be it.
How on earth is she going to cope when he's at secondary school?

Cotton55 · 21/10/2023 15:47

What happens when you drop your ds to her house? Do you stay too?

That carry on is ridiculous. You can't be sitting there entertaining the lot of them, cooking etc just so the older boys can play together. She clearly has trust issues but that's not your problem. Next time say something like "X is more than welcome to come over on Sat to play with Y but unfortunately, I don't have the time to sit and chat as I've a few jobs around the house lined up to do and look after 9 mth old. I can drop him home at 6pm or you can collect him if that would suit you better" She'd surely take a hint from that.

TheaBrandt · 21/10/2023 15:53

Poor kid a can you imagine he’s at secondary school tries to go to a mates house and mummy rocks up complete with squalling younger siblings in tow...

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 21/10/2023 15:58

That would get old fast. I’d find it hard to sit there with her knowing she didn’t trust me to look after her kid for some unspecified reason. The boy is 11 not 3.

just stop inviting them. Have other friends round and if your ds questions why I’d be honest and say that you don’t have time to entertain his whole family and he can come, but only if he comes by himself. Let the boys arrange it between them. 11 is old enough to not need your mum to arrange having friends round.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/10/2023 16:01

I wonder if the boys could join an activity together like after school club scouts or a youth group? Or they go to McDonald's after school one day a week (easier from spring when evenings are light again) Then they can socialize in a safe non school environment without you hosting? Or your son could go to her house?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/10/2023 16:02

Ps don't take it personally my friend does the same after her mum was abused on a playdate

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/10/2023 16:06

I think I personally I would just sack off having play dates with them!

If you son particularly wants to play with this boy, and they won’t meet up in the park, it is a bit difficult.

Can you say to her that you can’t manage everyone at your house but the 11 yo is welcome? I do agree with PPs that this is going to pass soon, when they are at secondary and will surely be making their own plans. I don’t really get involved with my dd’s social life now that she’s 15, and haven’t done to any great extent since she was 12 (she’s October born and when she was 11 it was Covid lock downs so no social life to be had!)

WhateverMate · 21/10/2023 16:11

I wouldn't put up with this at all.

And if the boys friendship suffered because of it, that's down to her.

She's a piss taker.

YellowRibbon710 · 21/10/2023 16:20

thelongroad · 21/10/2023 15:36

@YellowRibbon710 What, no sleepovers at friends ever? At any age? And you never had friends sleeping over?

Never. There was no need to not come home. He did camping trips etc with school but not sleeping over at other people's house, no.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 21/10/2023 16:22

YellowRibbon710 · 21/10/2023 16:20

Never. There was no need to not come home. He did camping trips etc with school but not sleeping over at other people's house, no.

Show quote history

That’s a shame. Some of my best memories are from sleepovers with friends.

YellowRibbon710 · 21/10/2023 16:26

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 21/10/2023 16:22

That’s a shame. Some of my best memories are from sleepovers with friends.

Show quote history

Ahh he has great memories of days out with friends and family, of holidays etc.

I actually just asked him if he feels sad about not having any and it was a resounding no.

TMess · 21/10/2023 16:27

I agree @YellowRibbon710 , sleepovers aren’t an option for us. I would definitely not accompany my eldest on a play date and bring all the younger siblings along though! She’d be mortified. I’d stop inviting them, that’s too much work with a baby as well.

Fionaville · 21/10/2023 16:29

That would drive me crackers! No need whatsoever!
It's slightly annoying when mums have encouraged their younger child to ask if they can come for a play too (while mum then buggers off 😆) So instead of your child just going off to their room and playing with their friend and you can get stuff done, you're left looking after a younger child. Sorry, I went off on a tangent there, but it happens to me often under the guise of "Aww they just love your house" 😒

coxesorangepippin · 21/10/2023 16:30

Curtains for me

You're past the two year old stage and I guess your 11 year old is too

JustAMinutePleass · 21/10/2023 16:32

Stop inviting her- I wouldn’t allow someone who didn’t trust me to bring all her kids to my house, what if somethint happened to one of her kids while she was there? If she wants a playdate for her son she can bloody well arrange it and host it herself! Her issues aren’t your problem

MuggleMe · 21/10/2023 16:37

Yanbu. With other friends your 11yo will happily disappear with his 11yo friend and you've got some lovely 1-1 time with your 9yo. With this friend it's much more work than having noone over. Will they have your son round without you?

I'd take a step back, it's a shame for your son but you're busy with a baby.

I wonder when she'll be happy to let her son off the lead though. By 11 he could be going to the park and shops and friends houses without her. What will he think of her being around at 12/13/14...?

TheaBrandt · 21/10/2023 16:49

It’s annoying on so many levels. The having to host and on top of that the not being trusted. Bloody cheek!