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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL and DH - expectations on me?

109 replies

airbsu · 21/10/2023 05:43

Am I just being horrible and selfish or am I reasonable to feel a level of expectation on me?

DD has club which takes two hours on a Friday evening, so I usually go and get the food shop done.

Recently MIL has cottoned on and has been asking to come along. If I'm going anyway then it's not really a hardship on me.

But now there seems to be this level of expectation where I have to say if I'm going or if I'm not when I'll be going and if I happen to not actually need to go shopping, that I'll still go out of my way to take MIL.

I just don't like the feeling of having to answer and account to someone. I expressed my dissatisfaction to DH about having to still take MIL one evening last week despite not needing to go shopping and he got in a huff about it. He ended up taking her, but I somehow felt like I had done something wrong?

Should I happily be going out of my way every week to make sure MIL has a lift to shopping and back or am I reasonable to expect that she can only get a lift with me if I specifically offer as I'm
Going anyway?

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 21/10/2023 06:00

They’re being ridiculous. Why can your MIL suddenly only go shopping that evening?

Tohaveandtohold · 21/10/2023 06:05

How does your MIL do her shopping before? Why is that no longer suitable.
I mean it’s not a big deal to give her a lift when you’re going anyway as it’s something I’ll do for family and friends ( as I used to give a colleague lift to work one day a week and I always let them know when I’m not going like on leave etc ) but if it does not work for you, you just need to ask dh to talk to her about it or he can take her as well

Patchworksack · 21/10/2023 06:06

Can she drive herself, get an online shop delivered or otherwise easily shop? It’s really annoying to do someone a favour once and it becomes an expectation. YANBU to put some boundaries in place.

Original poster
airbsu · 21/10/2023 06:12

She doesn't drive and doesn't do online.

I don't know exactly what she did before, I think she might have got bits from the local convenience store a few times a week rather than a solid weekly shop.

I didn't take her one Friday and by the Saturday morning she was messaging asking if I was going shopping. I felt like I had to reply to say sorry no and my reason for not but pushed myself to just state no and I didn't see why I should have to explain myself.

OP posts:
Noicant · 21/10/2023 06:15

Why doesn’t your DH take his mum?

Original poster
airbsu · 21/10/2023 06:21

Because it's usually me that does the food shopping so the expectation is that I will take her.

He did take her last week but got in a huff about it - that's the main reason for this post as I was made to feel like I had done something wrong or was being unreasonable for expressing that I felt out upon.

OP posts:
Malariahilaria · 21/10/2023 06:31

How is it 2023, post covid and someone who can't drive is still resistant to the miracle of online shopping? No YABNU, who made you her personal taxi service. I'd stop this now, the longer it goes on the worse it'll get. Let your DH ferry his mother every week or she needs to get with the program and do online shopping like everyone else.

autiebooklover · 21/10/2023 06:33

I'd say if I'm going I can let you know but it might be last minute. I don't need to shop every week tho.

You don't have to feel guilty and if she wants the favour yes she can ask HER son!!

StarTrek6 · 21/10/2023 06:37

Can you drop her off and Dh pick up. It seems a bit harsh not to take her if you are going anyway.

Original poster
airbsu · 21/10/2023 06:39

I do feel an element of guilt about it as I have always been a people pleaser and bit of a yes person, but I'm trying to not be as much like that and it's hard as it makes me feel like I'm being mean.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 21/10/2023 06:40

Take her if you are going but if not.. tell your DH that he should take her..

Whataretheodds · 21/10/2023 06:43

How old is she?

Original poster
airbsu · 21/10/2023 06:46

Whataretheodds · 21/10/2023 06:43

How old is she?

64

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 21/10/2023 06:47

For me, how old she is and how well she is/able to get about is relevant. It is also relevant how far out of your way this is.

Personally, I'd have no issue at all if I were going and I'd also not have an issue with telling her ahead of time each week so that she wasnt assuming I would be going, and therefore her, and can make her own plans. If I wasnt going but it wasnt that much out of my way I probably would take her if I had free time while DD did her club because it's kind. I'd probably plan to use that time for my own shopping anyway, as it is free time.

Newmumatlast · 21/10/2023 06:49

Ahh see your post now (cross post) re 64. I have come to learn that some people in their 60s feel like they're OAPs and others are dancing on tables however in my mind it's not old at all. So I wouldn't see that as justification. It would for me just be about convenience and how much I like her/she has a relationship with us

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/10/2023 06:54

Let your husband huff. His relaxing Friday evening has now occasionally turned into a trip around a supermarket and waiting around for his child and he doesn't like it.

MinnieMountain · 21/10/2023 06:57

My MIL is 72, doesn’t drive or go online. She walks 40 minutes each way with her shopping trolley once a week. Could your MIL do that?

SaracensMavericks · 21/10/2023 07:02

To me, this doesn't seem like a big deal and I'm sort of surprised that you mind so much. But if you really do mind, then I agree that it's not your responsibility and DH/MIL should be able to sort it out without you. Can DH help her set up online shopping?

PhoenixReincarnated · 21/10/2023 07:04

Your DH got in a huff because you not going meant he had to get up off his arse and take his mother shopping. If you're going anyway take her if you're not then he can take her.

Whataretheodds · 21/10/2023 07:08

airbsu · 21/10/2023 06:46

64

Show quote history

Do she's young.

unless there's back story or special needs there's no reason she shouldn't be able to order online (at least as a backup).

However she may prefer to shop in person, fair enough. Maybe she likes the company.

It sounds like a pretty standard thing that a family might do for each other - something that DH could take the lead on, you could. Or you could share.

No need for him to get huffy about taking his own mother to the shops. What's his solution?

Maray1967 · 21/10/2023 07:08

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/10/2023 06:54

Let your husband huff. His relaxing Friday evening has now occasionally turned into a trip around a supermarket and waiting around for his child and he doesn't like it.

This. If he wants his mum to have a lift to the shops then he can provide it if you’re not going. He’s annoyed that he was inconvenienced but he’s ok with you being inconvenienced.
Your MIL is only a few years older than me- I can’t imagine being so dependent (if able bodied).

Merrilydancing · 21/10/2023 07:11

Maybe your MIL likes hanging out with you and this is her way to do it?

As for DH in a huff just let him huff away as it is his mum.

Shelby2010 · 21/10/2023 07:13

DH has an expectation that you take his MIL shopping even if you don’t need to go yourself?! And he will ‘huff’ if he has to get off his arse and take her himself? Well let him huff, and don’t forget to give him a list of any bits you might need whilst he’s there.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 07:16

If it worked well for DH to take his mother shopping, let that be the new normal. He does the family shop on a Friday night, gets to hang out with his mum at the same time, and you can spend DD’s club time reading a book/knitting/swordfighting/whatever your preference. Win-win.

35965a · 21/10/2023 07:18

Tell him to take his own mother shopping and stop huffing about it.

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