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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL and DH - expectations on me?

109 replies

airbsu · 21/10/2023 05:43

Am I just being horrible and selfish or am I reasonable to feel a level of expectation on me?

DD has club which takes two hours on a Friday evening, so I usually go and get the food shop done.

Recently MIL has cottoned on and has been asking to come along. If I'm going anyway then it's not really a hardship on me.

But now there seems to be this level of expectation where I have to say if I'm going or if I'm not when I'll be going and if I happen to not actually need to go shopping, that I'll still go out of my way to take MIL.

I just don't like the feeling of having to answer and account to someone. I expressed my dissatisfaction to DH about having to still take MIL one evening last week despite not needing to go shopping and he got in a huff about it. He ended up taking her, but I somehow felt like I had done something wrong?

Should I happily be going out of my way every week to make sure MIL has a lift to shopping and back or am I reasonable to expect that she can only get a lift with me if I specifically offer as I'm
Going anyway?

OP posts:
Sonolanona · 21/10/2023 08:36

My Mum is 77 doesn't drive and has arthritis... she still walks to do her own shopping and catches the bus when she needs a bigger shop. (I live 100+ miles away so couldn't help )
I think on the weeks you go... taker her. On the weeks you don't.. Dh has to, simple as that, although as others have said, she's too young to be dependent on others and you don't want her to fall into a an 'I'm old and helpess pattern' while she isn't!

Nowdontmakeamess · 21/10/2023 08:36

Georgeandzippyzoo · 21/10/2023 07:58

When is your responsibility free night? Please say you have one.

Currently your DH has his hobby night responsibility free.
You do the shopping because it fits in then - he is responsibility free .
You take his DM shopping - he is responsibility free.

He's huffing cos it's landed on him to do something, for his mum, that he was more than happy to let you do but really doesn't want to do it himself!

I think this perfectly sums up the problem.

DH hasn’t volunteered to do this for his own mum, it’s fallen to the OP instead because she’s a woman and caring for people is women’s work 🙄

Robotalkingrubbish · 21/10/2023 08:39

His bloody mother, he can sort her out. I wouldn’t take her again, ever.

Diamondcurtains · 21/10/2023 08:39

I had similar with my father in law. I Said if I was going I’d take him too. First couple of weeks it was fine. Then one day I turn up and he says he’s not feeling well can I get his shopping. Fair enough but that was the beginning of the end! He stopped coming completely, would send me a list. Then one day he asked if I’d put it away as his arthritis was bad. While putting it away in a filthy kitchen so I ended up cleaning that too. Then “can you run the hoover round quickly”. I did that for years!

frenchfries111 · 21/10/2023 08:39

DH needs to take a turn.

My MIL declared herself incredibly old when she wasn’t and refused to do anything. This included online shopping as she declared they would just leave the shopping on the street and it would get stolen! Anyway even she managed to go to Iceland and get a home delivery from there.

goingtotown · 21/10/2023 08:42

I wouldn't do my weekly shop with anyone.

nibblessquibbles · 21/10/2023 08:43

Why dont you just be very clear about things to both MIL and DH.
Dear MIL I don't go shopping every week on a Friday. Anytime I plan to go I'll happily take you and I'll let you know by latest Thurs eve if I'm planning on going. The rest of the time I don't plan to generally do a big shop so maybe best to make your own arrangements those weeks."

AgnesX · 21/10/2023 08:49

airbsu · 21/10/2023 06:21

Because it's usually me that does the food shopping so the expectation is that I will take her.

He did take her last week but got in a huff about it - that's the main reason for this post as I was made to feel like I had done something wrong or was being unreasonable for expressing that I felt out upon.

If you're going it wouldn't hurt to help her out. When you're not going though your husband should step up. She's his mother after all

Him taking the huff is brattish and he needs a good shake.

phoenixrosehere · 21/10/2023 08:50

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/10/2023 08:14

If you've got a 2 hour window on the Friday when your DD is doing her club then does it really put you out to take an elderly relative shopping?

I know the general consensus on MN is that you don't do anything for anybody ever otherwise you're a doormat or a people pleaser but I'm honestly not seeing your issue.

2 hours out of your whole week when you're probably hanging around anyway waiting for your DD, to walk round the supermarket with your MIL, have a chat, maybe a coffee? Is this genuinely too much to ask? She may really enjoy the time spent with you.

I mean if your heart's not in it and you're resentful then don't force yourself with a face on, honestly. But sometimes life is about giving and taking and let's hope that one day your own DCs aren't face pulling at the prospect of doing you a small favour.

Why can’t her son take her then? Where is that advice towards him?

OP literal says she doesn’t mind when she is going, when she’s not going, it is different.

Why do posters like yourself ignore the adult children in these cases and think their partners should go out of their way to do things when their adult children can also do these things? Do the spouses’ time matters less?

2Rebecca · 21/10/2023 08:50

I think 64 is young enough to sort out your own shopping. If she doesn't have a car that should mean money she'd spend on a car can go on taxis or buses or she can learn to do online or her son can take her.
This is an example of the "no good deed goes unpunished" saying where if you go out of your way for someone it comes back to bite you on the bum or they try and guilt trip you in to doing it forever.

Lemonyfuckit · 21/10/2023 08:57

I think the simplest solution here is online shopping. Sounds like yes, if she was reliant on getting bits here and there from a little nearby shop and having to carry it home, she could probably use some help. Which your DH needs to provide, not you. Simplest would be to set her up with online shopping. My MIL lives a long way from us. My DH does a regular online shop for her - they speak on the phone whilst he's logged on to the online shop and he goes through with her what she needs and adds it to the shop, and done. Takes him about 20 mins every couple of weeks (he speaks to her on the phone every day, but they only need to do the shop about once a fortnight).

Original poster
airbsu · 21/10/2023 09:03

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 07:32

@airbsu
What do you do while your dd is at her club if you don't shop?
When you say "out of your way" do you mean literally or metaphorically?

Go home, go for a walk, chat with the other mums.

OP posts:
Original poster
airbsu · 21/10/2023 09:06

Turquoisa80 · 21/10/2023 08:03

You're going anyway, just get her and spend this small amount of time together in a busy environment. It's helping her and teaching your daughter it's good to help in small ways.

Yes. I'm I am going anyway there is no issue.

The issue is when I am not going. The small favour of taking her when I am going has turned into an expectation that I will still take her even if I am not.

OP posts:
Original poster
airbsu · 21/10/2023 09:07

AllAboutMargot · 21/10/2023 08:07

I get it. It's the expectation, the precedent, the sucking it up you have to do. As a one-off favour, great, but when it becomes a routine and you have to let everyone know when you want or need to break that routine, that's a mental load.
I agree with others that your dh should take his mother shopping while your dd does her activity and you get those two hours to yourself, just like he's been doing.

Edited

This is the nail on the head and it seems I can't articulate this in a way that DH understands without me coming across badly.

OP posts:
CwmYoy · 21/10/2023 09:09

I would pre-empt her every week. Message her early in the week to say you are shopping on *day, does she want to come? Or say you aren't shopping at the supermarket this week so not to rely on a lift.

phoenixrosehere · 21/10/2023 09:14

airbsu · 21/10/2023 09:07

This is the nail on the head and it seems I can't articulate this in a way that DH understands without me coming across badly.

Show quote history

What’s his reasoning for not taking her?

He knows you don’t go every Friday.

I would ask him why he doesn’t want to spend the time with his own mum to help her out. Does he not want to spend time with her? I’m sure she would like to spend time with you, you’re her son.

Give him a taste of his own medicine if he expects you to do it on the weeks you don’t go.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/10/2023 09:16

airbsu · 21/10/2023 06:39

I do feel an element of guilt about it as I have always been a people pleaser and bit of a yes person, but I'm trying to not be as much like that and it's hard as it makes me feel like I'm being mean.

Hang in there. Not sure what age you are but at some point your oestrogen/people pleasing hormone will start decreasing and not only will you be able to say no to cheeky feckers, you'll take great pleasure in it.

Original poster
airbsu · 21/10/2023 09:18

2Rebecca · 21/10/2023 08:50

I think 64 is young enough to sort out your own shopping. If she doesn't have a car that should mean money she'd spend on a car can go on taxis or buses or she can learn to do online or her son can take her.
This is an example of the "no good deed goes unpunished" saying where if you go out of your way for someone it comes back to bite you on the bum or they try and guilt trip you in to doing it forever.

Yes she is a young 64. She used to drive but an issue with her eyes means she cannot any longer. Although she hasn't been driving for years.

That saying is very apt.

DH has two siblings but they don't live locally so I think he has the view that I also need to pull my weight where siblings can't.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 21/10/2023 09:20

YANBU if you are going shopping then fine, if not she makes other arrangements, which may be dh taking her

its as simple as that

why doesn’t dh set up online shopping for her?

arethereanyleftatall · 21/10/2023 09:22

'DH has two siblings but they don't live locally so I think he has the view that I also need to pull my weight where siblings can't.'

Is he a complete bellend always?

Inertia · 21/10/2023 09:23

So you do 3 tasks - the club lifts, the family shop, MIL shop- on a Friday evening while DH sits on his arse.

Then he still gets stroppy because you won’t drop everything to take his mother shopping on demand? Sod that.

Inertia · 21/10/2023 09:24

Why the fuck isn’t he pulling his weight for his own mother?

TheCrystalPalace · 21/10/2023 09:29

In what sort of ways does your dh help your parents out?

Doopydoo · 21/10/2023 09:38

Sod that!
Just tell your husband that if his mother wants shopping then he has to take her. Stop being a pushover to both him and her. Nip it in the bud now before you start taking on more of the responsibility for HIS mother.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 21/10/2023 09:45

I'm 65 and have been shopping online for years. It's not rocket science. She could get a taxi if she wants to do a bigger shop and you weren't available. But the big issue is your husband. What does he do for his mum on a weekly level that makes him think you have to 'step up?' Or does he do all the domestic drudgery in your house while you sit about? I would doubt it

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