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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - MIL and DH - expectations on me?

109 replies

airbsu · 21/10/2023 05:43

Am I just being horrible and selfish or am I reasonable to feel a level of expectation on me?

DD has club which takes two hours on a Friday evening, so I usually go and get the food shop done.

Recently MIL has cottoned on and has been asking to come along. If I'm going anyway then it's not really a hardship on me.

But now there seems to be this level of expectation where I have to say if I'm going or if I'm not when I'll be going and if I happen to not actually need to go shopping, that I'll still go out of my way to take MIL.

I just don't like the feeling of having to answer and account to someone. I expressed my dissatisfaction to DH about having to still take MIL one evening last week despite not needing to go shopping and he got in a huff about it. He ended up taking her, but I somehow felt like I had done something wrong?

Should I happily be going out of my way every week to make sure MIL has a lift to shopping and back or am I reasonable to expect that she can only get a lift with me if I specifically offer as I'm
Going anyway?

OP posts:

Prelapsarianhag · 21/10/2023 11:44

What is it with these men 'huffing' as though they are the boss of you. Fucking huff right back and tell him to take his own mother shopping.

Natty13 · 21/10/2023 11:57

airbsu · 21/10/2023 09:07

This is the nail on the head and it seems I can't articulate this in a way that DH understands without me coming across badly.

Show quote history

Start asking him to take your own mum places. In my experience men like that do nothing for their MILs while expecting wives to do things they wont themselves - does he remember your mum's birthday is coming up? Sort her presents and cards for things? Does he take her to hospital appts? Not saying you do this for his mum but there is ALWAYS the expectation that the woman steps up and does it when he doesnt reciprocate.

My DH does occasionally ask me for help with something for his mum but likewise he suggests things my mum might like for christmas, takes her places, helps with difficult DIY jobs she and my father can't do alone.

The only way to ensure you are treated fairly is to have the same expectation for your DH as he has for you.

ParisHi1ton · 21/10/2023 12:11

Surely the solution is simple, if you're going to the supermarket then offer to take MIL, if you're not then DH has to offer to take his own mother shopping.

If he is so unwilling to give up his own free time, to do a favour for HIS mother, why is he so willing to give up yours?

Is it because he believes your time is worth less than him?

Does he think caring for elders is women's work?

Quite frankly, I'd be embarrassed if at 64 I was in full health but couldn't do a food shop without assistance; there's online options, taxis, buses etc

The retirement age for women is 67; societal expectation is that we are physically and mentally capable of full time employment until then. How on earth does your DH or MIL think all of those women are coping if a supermarket shop alone is impossible at 64 🤦🏻‍♀️

mondaytosunday · 21/10/2023 12:15

His mum his job if you aren't going. He could set her up with online shopping or she could give him a list and do it for her.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/10/2023 12:24

@natty13 is spot on.

I have found role reversal so useful in so many situations where I feel guilty for saying no to something. Then I consider if the person volunteering your time would do the exact same thing they're expecting you to do, and so often, not only is it an absolutely not, it's frequently laughably not a chance.

It's the key question. Would you ever expect your dh to help your mother out for two hours a week, on a weekly basis during his free time, and would you be in a huff if he said no?

jolies1 · 21/10/2023 12:43

Newmumatlast · 21/10/2023 06:49

Ahh see your post now (cross post) re 64. I have come to learn that some people in their 60s feel like they're OAPs and others are dancing on tables however in my mind it's not old at all. So I wouldn't see that as justification. It would for me just be about convenience and how much I like her/she has a relationship with us

This is very true - IL’s and my Dad are retired, in their late 60’s, go on holiday regularly, drive all over, could easily organise online shops if unable to get out. My dad would look at me like I’d lost the plot if I asked him if he needed taking shopping - he is only just at the stage where he needs to take his elderly mother to the supermarket once a week.

Twazique · 21/10/2023 12:51

I think I would start doing my own shopping on line.

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/10/2023 13:02

His siblings don't have to live locally to help out. They can organise an online shop or pay for her taxi to the shops and back.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/10/2023 14:40

I got as far as the post you made @airbsu where you said:
”DH has two siblings but they don't live locally so I think he has the view that I also need to pull my weight where siblings can't”
There’s just one correction I’d make to that statement and it should be that your DH needs to pull his weight where his siblings can’t.

He’s the son here. If you left him, he’d still be the son here and your responsibility that he has imagined into being would end.

I’d let them both know that going forward this 2 hrs that you have is your time and you’ll use it how you want. If she needs shopping done, why can’t your DH bring your DD to her dance class, then his mum shopping and back to collect DD? You get a night off? She should ask rather than expect, as should he.

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