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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL and DH - expectations on me?

109 replies

airbsu · 21/10/2023 05:43

Am I just being horrible and selfish or am I reasonable to feel a level of expectation on me?

DD has club which takes two hours on a Friday evening, so I usually go and get the food shop done.

Recently MIL has cottoned on and has been asking to come along. If I'm going anyway then it's not really a hardship on me.

But now there seems to be this level of expectation where I have to say if I'm going or if I'm not when I'll be going and if I happen to not actually need to go shopping, that I'll still go out of my way to take MIL.

I just don't like the feeling of having to answer and account to someone. I expressed my dissatisfaction to DH about having to still take MIL one evening last week despite not needing to go shopping and he got in a huff about it. He ended up taking her, but I somehow felt like I had done something wrong?

Should I happily be going out of my way every week to make sure MIL has a lift to shopping and back or am I reasonable to expect that she can only get a lift with me if I specifically offer as I'm
Going anyway?

OP posts:
Needapadlockonmyfridge · 21/10/2023 07:23

Shelby2010 · 21/10/2023 07:13

DH has an expectation that you take his MIL shopping even if you don’t need to go yourself?! And he will ‘huff’ if he has to get off his arse and take her himself? Well let him huff, and don’t forget to give him a list of any bits you might need whilst he’s there.

This.

If you are going, take her.

If you aren't going, up to your DH to do so.

Neither of them should be huffing!

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 07:32

@airbsu
What do you do while your dd is at her club if you don't shop?
When you say "out of your way" do you mean literally or metaphorically?

Hobbitfeet32 · 21/10/2023 07:32

This wouldn’t be an issue for me. I love my mother in law so if she needed a favour I’d help out.

Daleksatemyshed · 21/10/2023 07:55

If you take your DD each week do you wait 2 hours to bring her back, if so, I don't see going shopping with your MIL is so bad. It's easuer and cheaper fir her and maybe she's pleased to spend some time with you?

Georgeandzippyzoo · 21/10/2023 07:58

When is your responsibility free night? Please say you have one.

Currently your DH has his hobby night responsibility free.
You do the shopping because it fits in then - he is responsibility free .
You take his DM shopping - he is responsibility free.

He's huffing cos it's landed on him to do something, for his mum, that he was more than happy to let you do but really doesn't want to do it himself!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 07:59

Daleksatemyshed · 21/10/2023 07:55

If you take your DD each week do you wait 2 hours to bring her back, if so, I don't see going shopping with your MIL is so bad. It's easuer and cheaper fir her and maybe she's pleased to spend some time with you?

OP doesn’t go shopping every week, though. MIL seems to expect this to be a regular thing, which makes OP beholden to doing it even when she has other things to do, or constantly updating MIL with her availability. It curtails OP’s spontaneity or own plans. All when there’s a perfectly good DH to take MIL – maybe she’d be pleased to spend time with him! – or she could shop online, or learn to drive. She’s 64, not 94.

AllotmentTime · 21/10/2023 08:02

Out-huff the dickhead.

Turquoisa80 · 21/10/2023 08:03

You're going anyway, just get her and spend this small amount of time together in a busy environment. It's helping her and teaching your daughter it's good to help in small ways.

trulyunruly01 · 21/10/2023 08:04

64?
My MIL is 87 and lives in a sheltered housing block. She gave up driving last year, just after her hip replacement.
She allowed family to get her shopping and arrange deliveries during covid but then reasserted her right to pick out her own bananas and meet them in person before committing herself. And whilst she'll cadge a lift to any garden centre going, she likes to take herself shopping.
She gets the bus to Morrisons once a week with her Sholley and picks up anything else at the Sainsbury's local. The bus driver helps her off with the Sholley and always says how heavy it is.
She says it's down to the wine.
She has 5 family members living local who can drive or order online for her. Not good enough.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 21/10/2023 08:05

Good grief. I’m 62 and don’t drive so I get groceries delivered. Before delivery was a thing, I used to carry my shopping home on the bus. If neither of these suits your MIL, she can get a taxi.

AllAboutMargot · 21/10/2023 08:07

I get it. It's the expectation, the precedent, the sucking it up you have to do. As a one-off favour, great, but when it becomes a routine and you have to let everyone know when you want or need to break that routine, that's a mental load.
I agree with others that your dh should take his mother shopping while your dd does her activity and you get those two hours to yourself, just like he's been doing.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 21/10/2023 08:08

I’d be telling DH that it’s too much and he can take her or set up online shopping for you. She’s not 90, ffs

Shoxfordian · 21/10/2023 08:12

I’d text her on the day to let her know if I was going or not and if not she can make her own arrangements - there’s no reason she can’t go online or get a cab- she’s not infirm

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/10/2023 08:14

If you've got a 2 hour window on the Friday when your DD is doing her club then does it really put you out to take an elderly relative shopping?

I know the general consensus on MN is that you don't do anything for anybody ever otherwise you're a doormat or a people pleaser but I'm honestly not seeing your issue.

2 hours out of your whole week when you're probably hanging around anyway waiting for your DD, to walk round the supermarket with your MIL, have a chat, maybe a coffee? Is this genuinely too much to ask? She may really enjoy the time spent with you.

I mean if your heart's not in it and you're resentful then don't force yourself with a face on, honestly. But sometimes life is about giving and taking and let's hope that one day your own DCs aren't face pulling at the prospect of doing you a small favour.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 21/10/2023 08:15

My worry would be that if you let them force you into this, it will be your job for the next 30 years. She's far too young for this level of dependence.

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/10/2023 08:16

Ok just double checked and she's not elderly. But it's still a nice thing to do. This honestly would not bother me one jot and I'm not even a people pleaser.

TheCrystalPalace · 21/10/2023 08:16

"Elderly relative?!" She's 64, fgs!

And the OP made it quite clear that the issue is in the weeks where she's NOT "going anyway."

towriteyoumustlive · 21/10/2023 08:19

This would annoy me. I much prefer doing the shopping on my own!

I'd change your Friday routine. Drop your daughter off then meet up with a friend for a coffee or wine?

adomizo · 21/10/2023 08:22

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 21/10/2023 08:15

My worry would be that if you let them force you into this, it will be your job for the next 30 years. She's far too young for this level of dependence.

This. It's a slippery slope. She needs a plan to be independent in her own home as long as possible and this should be the start. Needs to embrace online shopping!

Wildhorses2244 · 21/10/2023 08:22

There’s a really simple solution here that I’m surprised your dh hasn’t suggested 😉

DH takes over doing the club run for dd and in the 2 hours she’s at club he takes mil with him and does the family shopping at the same time. If you don’t need any shopping it’s not a problem, he can still take mil and just pick up a nice bottle of wine for the weekend for you.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/10/2023 08:27

Wildhorses2244 · 21/10/2023 08:22

There’s a really simple solution here that I’m surprised your dh hasn’t suggested 😉

DH takes over doing the club run for dd and in the 2 hours she’s at club he takes mil with him and does the family shopping at the same time. If you don’t need any shopping it’s not a problem, he can still take mil and just pick up a nice bottle of wine for the weekend for you.

That’s exactly what I was going to suggest. If he’s going to get all huffy about you not doing this one simple thing, then it had better become his job!

I wouldn’t want anyone dependent on me for something. I used to take DD to an appointment weekly where I had an hour to kill. Sometimes I went shopping for a few bits, other times I went back home, sometimes I went for a walk and other times I just sat in the car and read. I would have hated to have someone reliant on me to take them food shopping every week!

How has she got her food for the last 40 years? How did she get it over Covid?

I’d be sorting online shopping for both of you if your DH won’t take this one on.

Newgirls · 21/10/2023 08:27

Why are you shopping on a Friday night?!

start doing an online shop and use the time saved to relax or go out for a drink.

she might learn from you!

WillowCraft · 21/10/2023 08:32

Turquoisa80 · 21/10/2023 08:03

You're going anyway, just get her and spend this small amount of time together in a busy environment. It's helping her and teaching your daughter it's good to help in small ways.

Why can so many people not understand what is clearly written? The entire thread is people saying this. The issue is those weeks when the OP is not going anyway and is expected to take mil shopping when she would rather be doing something else, and her husband getting annoyed because he has to take her himself.

I'd be happy to take her if I was going anyway but I wouldn't want it to be an expectation every week, not when she is only 64. She needs to be independent and not relying on someone - if that means she contacts you to ask them sorts something else out if you say no that is fine. Different if she was disabled or elderly but most people can manage their own shopping well into their 80s if not beyond so encouraging this level of dependency to someone of working age seems unhealthy.

tara66 · 21/10/2023 08:33

She needs to learn how to use internet so she can get food deliveries and get stuff from Amazon. I know someone who lives alone, never goes out because of health problems and has absolutely everything delivered from online orders - the only way.

2catsandhappy · 21/10/2023 08:35

It was a great idea when you were doing it. It is still a great idea when dh does it.
He can't have it both ways. He is quick to volunteer your time, point that out.