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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL and DH - expectations on me?

109 replies

airbsu · 21/10/2023 05:43

Am I just being horrible and selfish or am I reasonable to feel a level of expectation on me?

DD has club which takes two hours on a Friday evening, so I usually go and get the food shop done.

Recently MIL has cottoned on and has been asking to come along. If I'm going anyway then it's not really a hardship on me.

But now there seems to be this level of expectation where I have to say if I'm going or if I'm not when I'll be going and if I happen to not actually need to go shopping, that I'll still go out of my way to take MIL.

I just don't like the feeling of having to answer and account to someone. I expressed my dissatisfaction to DH about having to still take MIL one evening last week despite not needing to go shopping and he got in a huff about it. He ended up taking her, but I somehow felt like I had done something wrong?

Should I happily be going out of my way every week to make sure MIL has a lift to shopping and back or am I reasonable to expect that she can only get a lift with me if I specifically offer as I'm
Going anyway?

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 21/10/2023 09:48

Good question from @TheCrystalPalace

yanbu … you are already busy so will take if you’re going. At 64 the expectation of help is only going to ramp up so nip it in the bud now

jannier · 21/10/2023 09:49

Why doesn't your DH do the club run and shopping for a change?

Sometimeswinning · 21/10/2023 09:57

So dh found it inconvenient and huffed. Mil refused to help herself. You want to know if you are being u because you are a “people pleaser”

Im a people pleaser. I like to help and to know they are happy and I had something to do with that. I’m not a mug or a doormat though.

Pushmepullu · 21/10/2023 10:01

YABU - it’s an act of kindness to your husband’s mother. It’s what families are about. You are going anyway, so it’s no great task. If you couldn’t take her, why didn’t you have the courtesy to pre-warn her and your DH, then she would’ve known in advance that you weren’t taking her and your DH could. Instead you complain that she was texting you the next day to find out if you were going as she still needed her shopping. You say that she has had to stop using her car but never thought to ask her how she was getting her shopping. You and your DH sound like you need to grow up.

Notquitegrownup2 · 21/10/2023 10:01

Dh books an online shop for her each week to be delivered at the weekend. If you are able to take her shopping on a Friday and she wants a mooch round the shop he can simply cancel it. If not, there's no pressure on you as the delivery is booked and ready.

phoenixrosehere · 21/10/2023 10:03

Pushmepullu · 21/10/2023 10:01

YABU - it’s an act of kindness to your husband’s mother. It’s what families are about. You are going anyway, so it’s no great task. If you couldn’t take her, why didn’t you have the courtesy to pre-warn her and your DH, then she would’ve known in advance that you weren’t taking her and your DH could. Instead you complain that she was texting you the next day to find out if you were going as she still needed her shopping. You say that she has had to stop using her car but never thought to ask her how she was getting her shopping. You and your DH sound like you need to grow up.

You are going anyway, so it’s no great task.

OP literally says she doesn’t mind when she is going, it’s when she’s NOT going is the issue!

Her MIL is not her responsibility. MIL has a son who can do it when OP isn’t going.

TheyreEatingThemInNelsonAndTheBluff · 21/10/2023 10:04

airbsu · 21/10/2023 06:21

Because it's usually me that does the food shopping so the expectation is that I will take her.

He did take her last week but got in a huff about it - that's the main reason for this post as I was made to feel like I had done something wrong or was being unreasonable for expressing that I felt out upon.

He got in a huff about it because it’s a PITA.

Make him take her every time you’re not going and maybe he’ll sort a home shopping order for her instead. If not, you could be doing this for the next 30 years!

LadyBird1973 · 21/10/2023 10:07

Personally, I don't think it's a big deal to take her shopping when you are going anyway. Not is it a big deal to text her and say if you aren't going.
Yes, it's your husband's mother and he has no right to get huffy at doing this for her - it's not your responsibility. But I would caveat this with considering whether your husband ever does favours for your own parents. If he would never lift a finger to assist them, then by all means put his mum's shopping trip squarely back on him. But if (as in most families) your husband does favours for your family and everyone helps each other out when needed, then I'd continue to do this for her.

Your real problem isn't your mil, but your husband's attitude towards you both - his mum isn't an unreasonable burden for wanting a lift to the shops once a week and as her son, he should be willing to do that for her. And equally, it's not your responsibility and he's no business taking you for granted or sulking over it.

pictoosh · 21/10/2023 10:08

Yanbu...I am firmly on your side on this one.
Do you expect your dh to take your mum shopping or perform any other time-consuming weekly domestic task for her? No! Would he be amenable to such? Again, no.

So yes...I think you've done well to say no and stick to it without having to justify yourself. If he thinks his mum needs to be taken shopping he is free to do so.

declutteringmymind · 21/10/2023 10:13

I agree with you entirely.

Perhaps just say to her that you will text her of you do need to go and if not, perhaps ask DH?

Tell DH that you're happy to share the load where it fits in with you but ultimately it's his responsibility.

OR drop her at the supermarket and then pick her up while you take DD to her activity

Pushmepullu · 21/10/2023 10:13

phoenixrosehere · 21/10/2023 10:03

You are going anyway, so it’s no great task.

OP literally says she doesn’t mind when she is going, it’s when she’s NOT going is the issue!

Her MIL is not her responsibility. MIL has a son who can do it when OP isn’t going.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, and she also says that there’s a level of expectation that if she’s going she’ll take MIL but CBA to let her know she’s not going.

WhistPie · 21/10/2023 10:13

Why doesn't she get her shopping on her way home from work?

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 21/10/2023 10:17

DH has two siblings but they don't live locally so I think he has the view that I also need to pull my weight where siblings can't.

Ha ha ha or he can pull his weight, it's his mother.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers

Tempnamechng · 21/10/2023 10:20

I couldn't imagine not taking my mil if she needed me to, but she is nice and I don't know whether you have history with yours. This all sounds blown out of proportion and I think your issue is communication, if you are going shopping anyway then take her, if you aren't then a quick text to tell her you aren't going is all that's needed. If she still needs someone to take her then it's your dh's job, but they don't need you to arrange this.
A couple of people have asked why she isnt shopping on line. When you shop on line your only human contact is with the delivery driver, so perhaps she likes the company, interaction with others and the ride out. My dm btw is a similar age and has used computers for the last 30 years, as have the rest of us. As well as arthritis in her hands, she has a health condition that affects her hand eye coordination, so wouldn't be able to do the big shop on the Internet. My grandmother is very sharp mentally, but her sight means she can't order on line either. They are both very clever, very independent women, but need to shop in an actual supermarket.

phoenixrosehere · 21/10/2023 10:26

Pushmepullu · 21/10/2023 10:13

Yes, and she also says that there’s a level of expectation that if she’s going she’ll take MIL but CBA to let her know she’s not going.

Show quote history

As well as the expectation that she has to take her even when she’s not going.

But now there seems to be this level of expectation where I have to say if I'm going or if I'm not when I'll be going and if I happen to not actually need to go shopping, that I'll still go out of my way to take MIL.

Her DH can take his mother when she is not going or he can set up an online shop if possible, yet he doesn’t seem to want to do it yet doesn’t like if OP doesn’t when she isn’t even going. Why is it an act of kindness for OP, yet not on her DH to help?

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 10:28

Pushmepullu · 21/10/2023 10:01

YABU - it’s an act of kindness to your husband’s mother. It’s what families are about. You are going anyway, so it’s no great task. If you couldn’t take her, why didn’t you have the courtesy to pre-warn her and your DH, then she would’ve known in advance that you weren’t taking her and your DH could. Instead you complain that she was texting you the next day to find out if you were going as she still needed her shopping. You say that she has had to stop using her car but never thought to ask her how she was getting her shopping. You and your DH sound like you need to grow up.

She’s not going anyway.
It’s just warn, not pre-warn.
The needing to text and warn is OP’s key problem: DH and MIL have an expectation that OP’s time is no longer her own, so now she has an extra mental task each Friday. She can’t just not go, she has to fanny around texting MIL and, I’ll bet, arranging a future shopping time, also at her inconvenience.
Why would anyone ask how someone was getting their shopping in a world where you can get your food shop delivered from Waitrose, Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury’s, Ocado, Fortnum & Mason probably if you care to, Amazon, Deliveroo…
Why isn’t DH performing this act of kindness for his mother?

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 10:35

I hate the way women are routinely expected to shoulder the vast majority of the mental load. But even I don't think sending a text saying "Sorry, Henrietta, I'm not going to the supermarket today" is a horrendous burden!

Mumsgirls · 21/10/2023 10:38

You could alternate.

Pushmepullu · 21/10/2023 10:38

Just because my husband won’t do something it doesn’t mean that I won’t do it either. I volunteer for a carers charity and if you think taking your MiL shopping once a week is a big deal you should hear how much some friends and neighbours do for people. THAT ARE NOT THEIR FAMILY.
To repeat OP and her DH need to grow up and stop being so selfish.

TheGooseDrankWine · 21/10/2023 10:39

Is she still working?
Does she help with childcare, babysit from time to time?

If she is well and not disabled 64 is very early to think that anyone needs to be ‘pulling their weight’ to take care of her.

Normal family-based mutual support and kindnesses yes.

Easy enough to facilitate her shopping on Friday evenings: fine, a sensible thing to do.

For a working family with kids will take on the obligation to take an able 64 yo shopping every week at times when you are not shopping is mission creep.

There could be 30 years or more of supporting MIL

Just laugh and say ‘when did taking your Mum with me when I do the shop during xx club become me giving up Wednesday evenings when I have no need to shop? Anyway, if you fancy it it will give you quality time with her’

TheGooseDrankWine · 21/10/2023 10:43

Pushmepullu · 21/10/2023 10:38

Just because my husband won’t do something it doesn’t mean that I won’t do it either. I volunteer for a carers charity and if you think taking your MiL shopping once a week is a big deal you should hear how much some friends and neighbours do for people. THAT ARE NOT THEIR FAMILY.
To repeat OP and her DH need to grow up and stop being so selfish.

LOL I am older than the OP’s MIL, and I volunteer for a service for vulnerable isolated older people too.

I would be grateful for the lift to do my shopping when the OP does hers, but appalled if I thought my DIL, a working mother of small children, was being expected to make an extra trip on a midweek evening!

I would consider that very very selfish of me.

Frida2023 · 21/10/2023 10:48

I wouldn’t like this at all. And agree that it’s about the ongoing expectation. In a ideal world you would feel brave enough to be really honest with MIL and set a clear boundary with her such as -“I’ve noticed lately that you seem to be relying on me to help with shopping, but this isn’t very convenient for me. I won’t be able to do this on a regular basis as I’m busy with …. And am sure if you need anything DH would be happy to help”. You don’t need to feel guilty about not wanting to do this, helping out the odd time is fine, but All the time isn’t ok if you didn’t know what you were signing up for

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 10:51

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 10:35

I hate the way women are routinely expected to shoulder the vast majority of the mental load. But even I don't think sending a text saying "Sorry, Henrietta, I'm not going to the supermarket today" is a horrendous burden!

It’s a “straw that broke the camel’s back” thing. If mental load were just food shop, laundry, cleaning, cooking tasks it would be easy; it’s the myriad and neverending five second, 10 second, 1 minute, 5 minute jobs that become overwhelming.

ComeOutSun · 21/10/2023 10:51

So she's sight impaired? I would take her if I was going anyway. If I wasn't, then her son can take her.

2jacqi · 21/10/2023 11:19

Hate shopping with anyone!! cant even stand going with my hubby cos he takes forever and buys a load of shit!! I go in and buy what we need with no loiterng and zip out as quickly as possible! show her how to do it on the internet!! I certainly wouldnt be taking her every bloody week! his mum, not yours anyway!! is he the only child?

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