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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my DH right?

153 replies

Hanover31 · 20/10/2023 13:31

Hi all,
We’ve recently moved away to a tiny village, Ive left my friends & 2 years in, they’ve come to visit me 2-3 times in total! I have no family & I WFH. So essentially I have no one to talk to other than DH. This week my DH has had a serious chat with me, he basically said hes my husband, not my girlfriend. He wants me to stop talking about the office gossip/ shopping/ reality tv stuff etc etc. He really wants to hear about how my day was but I need to cut out all that girly nonsense stuff. He said I need to find new friends to fill that void. Is he right? Hes quite a blokey bloke so I get he doesnt want to hear me ponder what shoes to buy but I feel like crap. I just think he should want to hear about anything & everything.. honest answers pls?

OP posts:
HattieIou · 20/10/2023 13:33

Sorry but my DH wouldn't be interested at all in hearing about which shoes and outfits I wanted. We talk about all kinds, but he wouldn't be interested in that type of stuff. However he does love a bit of office gossip!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/10/2023 13:35

I don't think I'd be very happy with my husband giving me subjects that I am allowed to talk about and subjects that are forbidden! Surely in all relationships there are things you listen to that you're not massively interested in because they're important to the other person? Does he not ever talk about things that bore you slightly? If so I hope you told him!

I think it depends how he said it, how much you do talk about shoes and make up and gossip etc (as if it was constant then I can see how that would get wearing) and why you moved. If you moved for him, and he knows you're struggling with it,then on the face of it it's not very supportive

Sallyh87 · 20/10/2023 13:37

Sorry, I’m with your DH. It’s not because it’s ‘girly’ stuff but because he’s not interested. If my DH expected me to listen about Warhammer, football and cricket for hours on end, I would lose the plot.

These are his interests, not mine.

Maybe find a club or something to find some people with same interests. I recently joined a rambling club. I am one of the youngest but met some interesting people. There are loads of ladies in the group who would love to hear your gossip and chat about soaps and reality TV!

Maray1967 · 20/10/2023 13:38

Why did you move? If it was to suit him and he knew I wasn’t happy I’d talk at him all the more.

CyberCritical · 20/10/2023 13:39

I listen to my DH blather on about video games and films he likes, he listens to me blather about stuff I like, neither of us are particularly interested but we indulge each other.

Myhusbandearns150k · 20/10/2023 13:40

I kinda get what he means.

tell me all your nonsense. I work from home too and I totally get it.

TigerQueenie · 20/10/2023 13:40

I think he's perfectly entitled to say he has no interest in something, and I'd wonder why you want to talk at him about those things rather than have an actual conversation. I think he's probably got a point about friends too.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 20/10/2023 13:41

He doesn't sound like he cares for you much @Hanover31 My DH has very few friends - just one at work - and one he goes for a drink with once or twice a month who lives 10 minutes walk away. I listen to him chatting about work, and his hobbies, and his favourite TV programmes, and his favourite hobby. (We like most of the same TV shows but he has 3 or 4 I don't watch/bother with.)

And he listens to me chatting about my friends (I have 3 close ones) and all the news about them, and my main hobby, and what I have been doing that day, or what I did when I was out without him, and the 2 or 3 TV shows I watch that he doesn't watch.

Being told 'shut the fuck up I CBA to listen to your drivel' from my DH would be hugely off-putting, and I would question our future together. Your DH sounds rude and selfish, and not someone I would like to spend my life with.

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 13:41

Your husband thinks your conversation and interests are "girly nonsense"?

What a dick.

Yes you need to get a group chat going with your friends, invite them to visit, go and visit them, and find some local friends and interests too.

But your husband is still a dick.

What does he talk to you about?

arethereanyleftatall · 20/10/2023 13:42

I think he's kind of right - if he's the only person you speak to every day I expect he gets bombarded the second he walks in the door. If I were you, I would have (two years ago) started making new friends in the village. Hobbies, neighbours, volunteering, sports.

ImADevYo · 20/10/2023 13:42

Well he can't fake enthusiasm for things he doesn't care about. Indulging in each others interests is fine . but if you're using him as a girly friend substitute - uless you are happy to have in depth conversation about his 'man things' that you don't care about. It's not fair to him.

Why can't you make any new friends
Whose idea was it to move
Does he have friends

Original poster
Hanover31 · 20/10/2023 13:42

Thanks both. I really dont talk about “girly” stuff that much, but clearly too much for him.
We moved away so the kids would have outside space, in nature, seemed like a good idea & I love it here but my friends have made it clear they arent willing to make the effort to visit, which Im okay with now.
I think the real reason Im annoyed is because my ex used to hang onto every word I said, no matter what it was, he used to say if it was important to me then it was important to him. So I cant help but compare.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/10/2023 13:42

Hmn. On the fence with this one. In this case it's my DH who gives me a running commentary on every thought he ever has....not that I'm suggesting you do this, but I naturally communicate much less. I do love DH, but don't need that seemingly endless word stream coming from him all the time. Could it be a milder version of this?
I think in your shoes I would probs benefit from more friendships. Book group, other hobby, something like this?

Echobelly · 20/10/2023 13:42

Do you think you talk about those subjects a lot? I do find some people (like my MIL) will hear someone mention a topic twice and act like they're 'obsessed' with it.

If you do talk about it a lot I suppose it's fair that you wouldn't want to hear about footy or something. Can you not have a weekly phone or video call with friends? that's what people who don't live near their mates do in general, you don't have to wait for them to visit you.

Myhusbandearns150k · 20/10/2023 13:43

There’s a bit in Gavin and Stacey when Pam tells Stacey she switched off because she was so bored 😂 this is reminding me.

Sirzy · 20/10/2023 13:43

It sounds like you need to make an effort to get out and meet some new people. Some times even with the best will in the world it’s hard to sound interested in certain topics - I would find it hard to listen to someone talking about reality TV for more than a minute or two because it’s not something I know or care about!

CatOnTheCarpet · 20/10/2023 13:43

Hmm, I think it's normal to take someone's interests into account when you speak to them- if you're endlessly talking about shoes or whatever, I'd find that boring too. OTOH telling you not to talk about this stuff at all is unkind.

Most people manage this sort of thing less directly, by being in tune to each other and so avoiding either being too bored or too boring, or making a joke about it. I also think in a couple you should have some tolerance and accept that your partner might want to wang on about something one day and you'll wang on about something another day and it's just part of the give and take of life.

HattieIou · 20/10/2023 13:44

Probably not wise comparing him to your ex.

jiinglebells · 20/10/2023 13:46

But you're not with your ex, so your DH must possess lots of other good qualities your ex didn't.

Tbh I love listening and chatting to my DH! But I don't want to always hear about golf / football - I'm glad he's got other people to talk to about it because I can only feign interest so much 😂

Mischance · 20/10/2023 13:47

Well - he did not express himself very well - but my late OH would not have wanted to hear all this stuff either!

Organise for him to parent the children when he is home so that you can go out and join a gym, singing group, art group, walking group - whatever. You need to be freed up in order to make friends. Join the PSA. Get out there.

And if he gets peed off with the child care, then tell him it was his idea you should make friends locally!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 20/10/2023 13:49

I agree with PPs, try and make some friends locally, as you do need one or two!

But I think the way he spoke to you was unkind and dismissive, and that's not what a husband should be towards his wife.

Claycottage · 20/10/2023 13:50

He sounds unkind.

However, I wouldn’t chat on to my husband about a reality tv show he had never watched.

Do you have any shared interests?

Could you phone your mum to talk about stuff?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/10/2023 13:50

Well he said it a bit more bluntly than I would have but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a point.

I think you also want more local friends but are bristling because of his directness. You mentioned twice that your old friends won’t visit, but I’m also wondering how much effort you’ve put in to visiting them (for all I know you go see them every day … but I didn’t get that impression from your comments). It’s hard putting down roots in a new community and it does take effort, but I think that’s the best course of action for everyone.

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 13:51

Hanover31 · 20/10/2023 13:42

Thanks both. I really dont talk about “girly” stuff that much, but clearly too much for him.
We moved away so the kids would have outside space, in nature, seemed like a good idea & I love it here but my friends have made it clear they arent willing to make the effort to visit, which Im okay with now.
I think the real reason Im annoyed is because my ex used to hang onto every word I said, no matter what it was, he used to say if it was important to me then it was important to him. So I cant help but compare.

That's my husband's attitude. He likes being with me and we chat about everything and anything and I don't suppose it's all very interesting to anyone else.

During the tomato shortages a large part of my conversation was about trawling the local supermarkets in vain for tomatoes. I don't suppose it was very thrilling conversation but that's not the point is it? He's my person. I'm his person.

He knows about my office nemesis and he knows what each of the children's best friends like to eat and do and whatever random facts about them the children have shared.

We share a life. I guess, is what I'm saying.

C1N1C · 20/10/2023 13:51

HattieIou · 20/10/2023 13:33

Sorry but my DH wouldn't be interested at all in hearing about which shoes and outfits I wanted. We talk about all kinds, but he wouldn't be interested in that type of stuff. However he does love a bit of office gossip!

Nailed it. I'm the guy in that situation.