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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH right?

153 replies

Hanover31 · 20/10/2023 13:31

Hi all,
We’ve recently moved away to a tiny village, Ive left my friends & 2 years in, they’ve come to visit me 2-3 times in total! I have no family & I WFH. So essentially I have no one to talk to other than DH. This week my DH has had a serious chat with me, he basically said hes my husband, not my girlfriend. He wants me to stop talking about the office gossip/ shopping/ reality tv stuff etc etc. He really wants to hear about how my day was but I need to cut out all that girly nonsense stuff. He said I need to find new friends to fill that void. Is he right? Hes quite a blokey bloke so I get he doesnt want to hear me ponder what shoes to buy but I feel like crap. I just think he should want to hear about anything & everything.. honest answers pls?

OP posts:
JohnNolan · 20/10/2023 13:51

Im with your DH on this. My DH likes football - watching it, playing it, talking about it. I don't give a shit about it. When he starts blabbering on about it I tell him to stop and tell someone who actually cares as I dont so Im not listening. May sound harsh but I cant cope with listening to it again - it bores me to tears! And I dont talk to him about stuff he's not particularly interested in either.

I do think you need to invest some time in making friends you can speak to about some of this stuff if hes not interested as wfh can make you feel lonely and like you dont belong so I agree with him about this too as I think you feel much better for it.

Claycottage · 20/10/2023 13:51

my friends have made it clear they arent willing to make the effort to visit, which Im okay with now.

How often do you go and visit your friends?

SaracensMavericks · 20/10/2023 13:53

Can you go and visit your friends if they don't come and visit you? Or try to make new local friends. It sounds like your husband was a bit blunt but he may have a point.

TheGoddessFrigg · 20/10/2023 13:53

I presume Mr Serious Manly Conversation only talks about existential philosophy or the effect of the sinking pound on international markets?

Firstly most men are even bigger gossips than women. Secondly I couldnt cope with such a ridiculous gender differentiation in conversation. Sometimes I talk about shoes and make up- sometimes I obsess about the Hadron collider or the war in Ukraine.

Doteycat · 20/10/2023 13:53

Hes an absolute Bollox if you ask me.
I could waffle on about any ole shite and DH would listen, cos its MY any ole shite and its about me and my day and what happened in my life and that matters to him. If im quiet, he will say whats up why are you not chatting?
My chatter and silly stories make him happy.
Id probably never speak to him again if i had your DH speak to me like that.
He sounds like a bully and he is NOT your friend.
He should be, and hes not.

Planesplanesplanes · 20/10/2023 13:56

I need to make some new friends. It’s not good for you or your relationship to expect DH to be your whole social life.

sprigatito · 20/10/2023 13:59

If my DH had said this to me, I would conclude that we were not compatible and start making plans to split. My DH talks to me about whatever is on his mind, including his frustrations about work (he's a systems integrator and I understand very little of his work). The same is true in reverse - he read the first draft of my Elizabethan-set historical novel despite it not being his natural milieu. We care about one another's lives and interests. I can't imagine how lonely it would be to be married to someone who mandated that I could only talk about things which matched their personal interests. Also, in a long-term relationship social lives do ebb and flow, and supporting one another through that is normal. If my DH was struggling to make friends I wouldn't tell him to suck it up and stop boring me.

Redlarge · 20/10/2023 14:00

Hes rude selfish and controlling. Hes being a prick.

Deadringer · 20/10/2023 14:00

I think we all have to listen to a certain amount of shite from our dps, or at least appear to listen, so unless it's ott I think he is being a bit mean. I am sure you don't find everything he says scintillating.

bathrobeandpie · 20/10/2023 14:00

I would find it seriously unattractive if I was my husband only social life.

Maybe your DH delivery wasn't the best, it's reasonable to say he has no interest in reality tv stuff and the rest of it. It's one thing to care about your partner's interests, even if yours are completely different, but shoes, TV shows and the weather are basically boring and bland subjects you use to make small talk with strangers. No one cares or have deep - or light - conversations about them.

You do need to get out more and make friends, for your own good. It's not healthy to have no one to talk to.

I just think he should want to hear about anything & everything
no, he really shouldn't have to.

What do you even talk about with your own kids?

Original poster
Hanover31 · 20/10/2023 14:01

Just wanted to say thanks everyone for all your comments. Im getting that I need to make some new friends locally which I have tried & failed but will try again. Im slightly jealous of the comments where people have said their husbands listen to everything but equally Im relieved that some people have said their husbands dont.
In an ideal world he would hang off my every sentence or at least pretend to but I get that Im probably being too unrealistic.

OP posts:
Redlarge · 20/10/2023 14:01

Doteycat · 20/10/2023 13:53

Hes an absolute Bollox if you ask me.
I could waffle on about any ole shite and DH would listen, cos its MY any ole shite and its about me and my day and what happened in my life and that matters to him. If im quiet, he will say whats up why are you not chatting?
My chatter and silly stories make him happy.
Id probably never speak to him again if i had your DH speak to me like that.
He sounds like a bully and he is NOT your friend.
He should be, and hes not.

Edited

Agreed.

Stephisaur · 20/10/2023 14:02

Bit rude of him but I get where he's coming from.

For me, it would depend on whether he expects you to listen to his shit? My DH doesn't always care for my ramblings but I do point out that I listen to him bang on about FIFA and sports and all that shite so fair is fair 😂

bathrobeandpie · 20/10/2023 14:02

No need for the fake naivety from some of the posters.

Big difference between hearing your partner ramble on about some nonsense or other from time to time, and being the ONLY person your partner ever talks to about nothing. It's claustrophobic at best.

bathrobeandpie · 20/10/2023 14:04

In an ideal world he would hang off my every sentence or at least pretend to

your ex did that, and you are no longer with him. What does that tell you?

Even in an ideal world, you make a minimum of efforts to try to be interesting and attractive for your partner.

Whateverfuckingnext · 20/10/2023 14:04

I'm really surprised there are such a mixture of replies to this!

I would be really hurt if my partner said this to me. Part of my relationship with my partner is not only having conversations of mutual interest, but being each others sounding board also. I'm sure some of the things I ramble on about to him are boring. Just as I have little interest in some of the things he wants to tell me.
Surely a relationship is also a friendship so what's wrong with speaking with your partner about "friend stuff"?

Bumcake · 20/10/2023 14:04

You need to make local friends, your husband can’t be expected to be your only point of contact with the outside world. Also, you’ve said old friends don’t want to come to you - can’t you go to them?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/10/2023 14:06

I think your DH is out of order to phrase it as he has, and to make it both sexist and a “you”’issue.

It’s not “girly stuff” - it’s just something he’s not interested in. He needs to say “I’m really sorry but I’m just not interested in those aspects of office life”. It’s a him issue, and his interests - it’s fine not to be interested but he had to own it in that way.

Whether or not you need new girlfriends is for you to decide but it’s also easier said than done!

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 14:07

Whateverfuckingnext · 20/10/2023 14:04

I'm really surprised there are such a mixture of replies to this!

I would be really hurt if my partner said this to me. Part of my relationship with my partner is not only having conversations of mutual interest, but being each others sounding board also. I'm sure some of the things I ramble on about to him are boring. Just as I have little interest in some of the things he wants to tell me.
Surely a relationship is also a friendship so what's wrong with speaking with your partner about "friend stuff"?

Same.

I want to know what thrilling conversational topics the husband of the OP comes up with.

nottodaytaverymuch · 20/10/2023 14:08

Your husband has 'told you off' for talking to him about subjects that displease him. That's why you feel shit. You thought you could talk to your life partner about everything and anything and now it seems not. Find friends locally if you want to, but just crack on talking as much as you want about anything you want and if he doesn't like it, maybe reconsider the husband? Telling you what you can and can't talk about with him is unacceptable.

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 14:09

Doteycat · 20/10/2023 13:53

Hes an absolute Bollox if you ask me.
I could waffle on about any ole shite and DH would listen, cos its MY any ole shite and its about me and my day and what happened in my life and that matters to him. If im quiet, he will say whats up why are you not chatting?
My chatter and silly stories make him happy.
Id probably never speak to him again if i had your DH speak to me like that.
He sounds like a bully and he is NOT your friend.
He should be, and hes not.

Edited

Well said.

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 14:10

nottodaytaverymuch · 20/10/2023 14:08

Your husband has 'told you off' for talking to him about subjects that displease him. That's why you feel shit. You thought you could talk to your life partner about everything and anything and now it seems not. Find friends locally if you want to, but just crack on talking as much as you want about anything you want and if he doesn't like it, maybe reconsider the husband? Telling you what you can and can't talk about with him is unacceptable.

I think it is too.

I wonder if he censors himself and confines himself to fascinating topics and sparkling repartee?

GCSister · 20/10/2023 14:10

Your husband thinks your conversation and interests are "girly nonsense"?

What a dick.

This.
He's clearly just not that interested in you. Me and DH talk about everything and even though he might me that interested in my 'girly nonsense' he still listens. I have the same conversations with him as i would have my friends. I would hate to have to compartmentalise my discussions.

horseyhorsey17 · 20/10/2023 14:10

Sorry but your OH sounds like a bit of a dick. You're bored and lonely and have nobody else to talk to but him, and he's telling you basically to STFU and leave him alone. Charming! Tell him you'll be discussing character development in James Joyce's Ulysses and middle eastern politics tonight over dinner and that you fully expect him to be prepared, seeing as it's 'meaningful' conversations only from now on.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 20/10/2023 14:10

He's right. He's your husband not your girlfriend. Get some mates from somewhere. We can't get all our needs met by the man in our life, thats what our friends are for.