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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my DH right?

153 replies

Hanover31 · 20/10/2023 13:31

Hi all,
We’ve recently moved away to a tiny village, Ive left my friends & 2 years in, they’ve come to visit me 2-3 times in total! I have no family & I WFH. So essentially I have no one to talk to other than DH. This week my DH has had a serious chat with me, he basically said hes my husband, not my girlfriend. He wants me to stop talking about the office gossip/ shopping/ reality tv stuff etc etc. He really wants to hear about how my day was but I need to cut out all that girly nonsense stuff. He said I need to find new friends to fill that void. Is he right? Hes quite a blokey bloke so I get he doesnt want to hear me ponder what shoes to buy but I feel like crap. I just think he should want to hear about anything & everything.. honest answers pls?

OP posts:
easilydistracted1 · 20/10/2023 14:12

I'm in a same sex female couple and unfortunately would find these topics really boring. Village life can be hard I'm really having to adjust it can be isolating. Can you not find a local women's circle or meet up group or something like that where they share your interests? It's hard getting out there but worth it

bathrobeandpie · 20/10/2023 14:13

He really wants to hear about how my day was but I need to cut out all that girly nonsense stuff. He said I need to find new friends to fill that void.

so that wasn't a bollocking, that wasn't "telling anyone off", that wasn't a "bully" or "controlling" or whatever nonsense people come out with on this thread,

it was an adult having an adult conversation without the need for being passive aggressive, offended, arguing. Isn't that what adults are supposed to do?

I would be a lot more worried about a man (or a woman) happy and encouraging their partner to see no one, have no local friends, have no contact with anyone apart from minimal contact remotely with people at work. Now that would ring serious alarm bells!

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 14:13

NotSuchASmugMarried · 20/10/2023 14:10

He's right. He's your husband not your girlfriend. Get some mates from somewhere. We can't get all our needs met by the man in our life, thats what our friends are for.

My husband is my friend too. Is that weird?

GCSister · 20/10/2023 14:13

Doteycat · 20/10/2023 13:53

Hes an absolute Bollox if you ask me.
I could waffle on about any ole shite and DH would listen, cos its MY any ole shite and its about me and my day and what happened in my life and that matters to him. If im quiet, he will say whats up why are you not chatting?
My chatter and silly stories make him happy.
Id probably never speak to him again if i had your DH speak to me like that.
He sounds like a bully and he is NOT your friend.
He should be, and hes not.

Edited

100%

Mistressanne · 20/10/2023 14:13

Tbf my dh is not interested in some of the stuff I go on about and he’ll say directly that he’s not. Then I’ll be listening to The Archers and he’ll comment on a character which proves he does listen occasionally.
When he’s going on about his football team I listen for about 3 minutes and then zone out😂 sometimes if I’m feeling kind I’ll ask him about league tables and players!

NotSuchASmugMarried · 20/10/2023 14:14

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 14:13

My husband is my friend too. Is that weird?

Show quote history

no

GCSister · 20/10/2023 14:15

My husband is my friend too. Is that weird?
So is mine...isn't that the point? If you aren't friends with your partner then what's the point?

Khvdrt · 20/10/2023 14:15

Admittedly my husband probably doesn’t really care about some of these things but he nods politely and I wouldn’t expect him to tell me what he does and doesn’t want to hear about.

bathrobeandpie · 20/10/2023 14:15

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 14:13

My husband is my friend too. Is that weird?

Show quote history

no

but "my husband is my ONLY friend and the only person I speak with" very weird.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/10/2023 14:16

Is it possible he's worried about your lack of outlet and is pushing to make friends . Maybe it's a ploy to get you out more

waterrat · 20/10/2023 14:16

Let go of old friends unless its chatting on phone etc. You need to build a new life

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 14:16

They don't have this trouble in Gilead do they? The women all live in too much fear to witter on about the annoying situation at work or needing new winter boots.

Robotalkingrubbish · 20/10/2023 14:17

We talk to each other about all sorts of girly/manly stuff and plenty more besides. When he talks to me about how an engine works and what can go wrong I just nod and smile, hopefully in the right places. 😂 Your DH is being an arse.

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2023 14:17

GCSister · 20/10/2023 14:10

Your husband thinks your conversation and interests are "girly nonsense"?

What a dick.

This.
He's clearly just not that interested in you. Me and DH talk about everything and even though he might me that interested in my 'girly nonsense' he still listens. I have the same conversations with him as i would have my friends. I would hate to have to compartmentalise my discussions.

If my DH wanted to talk about sport and cars etc I would be bored rigid.

Work things, yes and mutual friends and interests, yes. But not his two hobbies (apart from superficially)

What groups have you tried before @Hanover31 ?

SwingTheMonkey · 20/10/2023 14:20

I’m really surprised at some of the responses. Op your husband is a chauvinistic pig. ‘Girly nonsense’? Jesus Christ.

I’d be most upset if I felt like I had to sensor my conversations with my husband, or god forbid have to try to keep myself ‘interesting and attractive’ or whatever absolute drivel a pp mentioned. Relationships are about give and take. I glaze over when Dh starts talking about work. But I listen to him because he’s my person and I’m his. He wants to talk to me about it. I couldn’t imagine telling him to go and speak to someone else about it.

Sometimes we’re dull. And conversations are dull. That’s life!

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 14:20

Khvdrt · 20/10/2023 14:15

Admittedly my husband probably doesn’t really care about some of these things but he nods politely and I wouldn’t expect him to tell me what he does and doesn’t want to hear about.

Honestly, last weekend conversation was dominated in our house by my husband needing new running shoes and the gait analysis recommending something heavier than he generally prefers and all the pros and cons of that. (And food. Always food.)

Sparkling repartee it was not.

But it IS life.

mewkins · 20/10/2023 14:21

verdantverdure · 20/10/2023 13:41

Your husband thinks your conversation and interests are "girly nonsense"?

What a dick.

Yes you need to get a group chat going with your friends, invite them to visit, go and visit them, and find some local friends and interests too.

But your husband is still a dick.

What does he talk to you about?

I'm with you on this. I bet there's plenty of crap you listen to him drone on about.

PinkRoses1245 · 20/10/2023 14:22

Why on earth did you move, did you actually want to? Sounds hellish to me. He's got the right to say that, I do think you need to make the effort to go and see your friends (why are you waiting for them to visit you), or make friends locally.

PinkRoses1245 · 20/10/2023 14:23

And I disagree he should want to hear about everything. I certainly don't want to hear everything my DH wants to talk about, and I tell him so - vice versa.

CurlewKate · 20/10/2023 14:23

Do and I listen to each other's stuff. Because we know it's important to the other one.

But women friends are important. Can you find some? Are there any book groups or crafting circles or walking groups? But be very clear you're finding them for you, not to absolve him from the responsibility of paying proper attention to you.

Nonman23 · 20/10/2023 14:29

I think being able to talk to your partner about anything is an essential part of the relationship and the fact that he sat you down to tell you what you can talk to him about is pretty unpleasant and would make me doubt your compatiblity. I'm sure my husband switches off a bit when I talk about some things, as I do when he does, but he would never ever tell me to stop talking to him about them or vice versa. It's so rude and quite controlling.

3luckystars · 20/10/2023 14:32

One person cannot be all things. I do agree you need friends / relatives in your life too.

Fink · 20/10/2023 14:32

For me it depends on the volume of talk rather than the topics. If it interested my partner but not me, I would be willing to listen to pretty much anything they wanted to talk about. BUT only for a limited amount of time. If it was just idle chit chat and they didn't need any actual advice or help, then I'd get pretty fed up if it went on for hours every evening. Over dinner, or chatting for half an hour while doing some ironing, or interspersed with other conversations - fine. Hours and hours of small talk - not fine.

Ducksinthebath · 20/10/2023 14:33

My DH isn't remotely interested in make up or shoes or what's happening on programmes I watch in my own time. What he is interested in, is me and what I like and my thoughts and feelings. Equally I spend a lot of time showing an interest in economics and Halo. I just consider that basic care and consideration from and towards a loved one. I'm sorry your husband has been so rude and uncaring towards you.

GCSister · 20/10/2023 14:34

If my DH wanted to talk about sport and cars etc I would be bored rigid.

But you'd listen yeah? Because presumably you love him. And wouldn't you make more of an effort to listen if you'd moved to a new area and he'd yet to make new friends?