Is my DH right?

[Hanover31]

Hi all,
We’ve recently moved away to a tiny village, Ive left my friends & 2 years in, they’ve come to visit me 2-3 times in total! I have no family & I WFH. So essentially I have no one to talk to other than DH. This week my DH has had a serious chat with me, he basically said hes my husband, not my girlfriend. He wants me to stop talking about the office gossip/ shopping/ reality tv stuff etc etc. He really wants to hear about how my day was but I need to cut out all that girly nonsense stuff. He said I need to find new friends to fill that void. Is he right? Hes quite a blokey bloke so I get he doesnt want to hear me ponder what shoes to buy but I feel like crap. I just think he should want to hear about anything & everything.. honest answers pls?

Tbh it depends how much you go on about this stuff. I have been known to tell my husband to STFU about wrestling for example because he can ramble on about it for hours. I don't mind indulging for a bit but not a full evening. Likewise he tells me to shut up about random reality TV storylines. We still have real convos about politics and so on or things that are actually important in our lives, work stuff etc, and can talk for hours and hours about random crap, but neither of us wants to sit there and zone out about things we have zero interest in!

I think I'd find it really difficult to be in a relationship where the man had stereotypically blokey interests and the woman had stereotypically girly interests. Dh and I have enough common interests that this isn't a problem. Tbh I'd be bored to tears hearing about reality tv shows, shopping and office gossip, and so would dh! We did the same job as each other for most of our career, so it's easy to talk about work.

Could you email a friend or two regularly to express the things you cannot to your DH?

I can talk about anything to DH but to be fair I am not a girly girl and would rather eat my own hands than discuss handbags, shoes and makeup. The only context my hair would get mentioned is the amount of cow shit I have stuck in it but the massive amount of stuff I offload to my pal I went to junior school with who now lives abroad, is immense. Without her I might fold like wet cardboard. We email every day and sometimes twice a day.

It's really a big mistake to expect one person to be your entire emotional/social/mental support. It's unfair to them and stunting for oneself.

This.

I think people are focusing a bit too much on the stereotypically 'girly' or 'bloke' conversations. It doesn't really matter what your interests are - you will be much more stimulated, and find conversation much more interesting and rewarding if you are talking with somebody else who is also interested in what you are talking about.
One of my dc is really in to rugby. I show interest and ask how they got on in their games, but it isn't the same as the really passionate, involved, knowledgeable conversations they have with their Dad, who also loves rugby - especially during the World Cup now. That works both ways. I love football, and that dc doesn't. They will look how my team got on and make a comment, etc, but it isn't the same as the ongoing WhatsApp chat I have with my other dc who enjoys football as much as I do. Same as when a close friend starts discussing Strictly or Bake Off or whatever reality show is on at the time. I can smile and nod along for a while, but it is a far more enjoyable conversation for them if there is someone else they can talk to who has watched it and has opinions to offer, or can laugh or be outraged at what has happened without them having to explain it all.

When I was married I used to have to listen daily to detailed explanations of work he had done on food tops, I was NOT interested, not because I was too girlie but because it was boring AF. I still listened and I guess some thing I talked about he was uninterested in, like cloth nappies in different designs and other weird obsessions I had along the way.
nuts a give and take thing I think but also can see how husband feels yiu need another outlet.

My husband doesn't want to hear gossip or girly crap either. Likewise he knows not to chat about sport with me as I have zero interest.

But if neither of us had family, friends, colleagues we would be understanding of each other and more tolerant.

At least your husband has given you the heads up.

What hobbies or interests do you have that would involve you meeting local people and making a network of friends?

My very lovely DH only listens to about half of what I want to say and about visa versa. I like talking politics, world affairs, local community stuff. He would rather put his head in a bath of beans. He likes to talk about his day in minute detail, his bike and how he is going to fix it, the car and whatever exciting stuff needs doing. I would rather do pretty much anything than hear about new gears.
So we don't. We do however speak about the kids, our holiday plans, food, films, the dogs, our mental health, how we are going to financially survive the next 5 years if the conservatives get in, where we will retire to...

I instead have a few groups of friends some of whom love to talk about politics/world affairs so I get my fix.
I have to say I have zero interest in reality TV and could hold a conversation about it the same about shoes! Some of my friends do but we have found mutual ground in other areas!
Go out, get involved in lots of different things (exercise classes, community groups, art classes, tram sports) it will take a year or two to make friends but will happen. :)

OP, I think you'd soon tire of a man who hangs on to your every word. That man would be needy and weedy and claustrophobic.

You need to do as you've said you're going to do, and try again to make some local friends. It shouldn't be too hard as you've got children.

My partner has interests which I don't share. I wouldn't thank him for wittering on to me about them, and he wouldn't be interested in my witterings either. I also see a big difference between my male and female (adult) children - DDs chat on endlessly to me and one another about friendships etc, and DSs roll their eyes at that stuff.

I also wonder if you'd be better working not at home, as you'd have more of a social life if you left the house to work, and you'd also have other people to talk to.

Do you have to listen to him?

He could maybe have worded ot in a kinder way, but it sounds like he's right. He's suggesting you find girlfriends as an extra support network, and that's fine.

To be Frank, there are subjects my husband talks about that I have no interest in. He knows this. So often he stops himself mid ramble and apologises. He then goes off and engages with his friends / fellow hobby enthusiasts. In return, i go spend time with my girlfriends to chat all things women.
It's much better for both of us. We do talk. All day, every day, but not about the stuff the other isn't do interested in.

Lastly, your ex is your ex for a reason. Imagine if your husband was comparing you to his...

I guess there’s no right or wrong as such but I think it’s more about compatibility or not

for example, my boyf loves to listen to/give advice/get involved in with my ‘girly’ convos, if a female friend of mine goes a on a date he will be the first to enthusiastically ask me the next day ‘oh how did X’s date go last night?!’ And want to know all the gossip about it

but that’s just him and his classic ENFJ character (for those who know Myers Briggs). He loves being involved and listening and giving advice and is very emotionally aware. For this reason, we connect well and have great compatibility purely cos I’m a chatterbox who loves nattering on about all manner of things

however, I have had partners in the past whose eyes would glaze over at ‘girly’ convo.

so I truly think ultimately it’s about compatibility more than whether he’s in the wrong

You need to find some people locally to chat to, preferably women to fill that female friend gap. It sounds as though your DH is finding it all a bit much, and probably responded in frustration.

Have a look for a local Women's Institute as this will be female focused and not single interest.

You could also look for a knit and natter or stitch n bitch group as they have a focus on friendly chat.

A walking/cycling/swimming/running group might be worth a try but some are more sociable than others, and you may not have time to devote to a day hike or long Sunday bike ride.

DH and I deliver monologues to each other. I talk about sheep and he moans about work. It works for us. ‘Girly stuff’ would drive me batty.

My DH wouldn't either, but then I don't really do that anyway, unless you count me showing him a picture of a sports bra the other week

I don't give a shit what I'm droning on about or what dh is rambling about.
We talk shite, we have many dmc's, we have many political discussions, we talk about all sorts.
The issue is not the topic of conversation
The issue is that he has zero respect for you and thought it was ok to tell you that he has no interest in what you have to say.
That is the issue.
He's a bollox.

Obviously nobody is interested in everything their partner talks about, but limiting what you can talk about to only what interests him is unhealthy. I am surprised so many people think this is ok? Probably one of many reasons why I will always be a widow!

I think the fact that he knows you don't have anyone else currently ought to make him more understanding of your need to have someone to talk to

I think the issue here is that one person cannot fulfill all your needs. It sounds as though you need a wider social circle.

A dear friend was having a bit of a hard time. She would talk AT me when I met up with her, getting closer and closer. If I did an intake of breath (that sort that implies that you are about to say something), she would talk louder and faster. I love her dearly but it was too much and I was glad when she calmed down a bit.

Rightly or wrongly, this man doesn’t want to be bombarded with chat the moment he gets home.

Your poor daughter. I hope she doesn't find out how much you hate talking to her.

If you choose to be with a typically masculine man (which I have) then they’re not going to be wanting to chat about shoes.

Just the same as he has chosen to be with me (feminine woman) and I don’t care about football, boxing etc.

So yes we chat to friends about that stuff. I don’t mind if he mentions the footy ofc ans would listen. But not all the time. I’m glad he has friends to chat to about that stuff.

Ive read all the messages & thanks so much for all the replies. I love mumsmet for people taking the time to reply in such detail, so quickly. So much to think about here & take on board.
Just to answer some questions, my DH doesnt bore me with chat, hes super social & has many good friends, unlike me.
Im no longer with my ex as he passed away.
My idea to move to a village, kids love it so much, the space, animals etc, I on the other hand, not so much.
I have tried to visit my friends but they can never agree on a date for my visit :(
Anyhow, thanks again xx

I was kind of joking 🙃 with my second point. My main point is that he was cruel to say what he did in the way he said it.

I WFH and on days when I’ve had few or no calls I will talk my DH’s ear off when he gets home. I’m sure he isn’t interested but he lets me just babble away as he knows I’ve had no human interaction that day. He’s being kind and considerate.

If OP’s DH genuinely cares about being her only source of companionship then there are much kinder ways to go about letting her know.

Hanover31

I am sorry you lost your partner, it brings a different light to the relationship.
Just remember that time tends to blur things, and you will remember more of the good things. It's too easy to transform that past relationship into a perfect one, and have unrealistic expectations for the one you have now.

Even in a village you can make friends. I would find where to practice my favourite hobbies twice a week , your partner will be helpful as it will let you make friends!

I guess this might be (like many things!), a case of horses for courses. To me, I’d rather some told me if they weren’t interested in what I was talking to them about because I’m not really interested in rabbiting on to someone for the sake of it. If it’s not a two way thing I’d rather not say anything.

I realise other people are different, my mum (for example!) needs to be talking basically all the time and so she’d definitely value someone nodding along and just listening even if they couldn’t give too hoots.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sali Hughes Get The Look on Facebook is a lovely community of women if some internet chat would help fill the gap in the meantime.