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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DH right?

153 replies

Hanover31 · 20/10/2023 13:31

Hi all,
We’ve recently moved away to a tiny village, Ive left my friends & 2 years in, they’ve come to visit me 2-3 times in total! I have no family & I WFH. So essentially I have no one to talk to other than DH. This week my DH has had a serious chat with me, he basically said hes my husband, not my girlfriend. He wants me to stop talking about the office gossip/ shopping/ reality tv stuff etc etc. He really wants to hear about how my day was but I need to cut out all that girly nonsense stuff. He said I need to find new friends to fill that void. Is he right? Hes quite a blokey bloke so I get he doesnt want to hear me ponder what shoes to buy but I feel like crap. I just think he should want to hear about anything & everything.. honest answers pls?

OP posts:
confusedmum2023 · 20/10/2023 14:35

Wow he sounds a bit mean. Maybe he was having a bad day and just didn’t want to hear it. My dh and I talk some amount of shit daily because he’s my best friend and my husband, I’d be really hurt if this changed.

pinkyredrose · 20/10/2023 14:37

Why don't you move back? You sound very lonely and isolated and village life is overrated IMHO.

Ponoka7 · 20/10/2023 14:41

I know a DD is a different relationship, but I hate when my DD is single and I'm her sounding board. I don't want to spend that much time talking shite. I don't do gossip and wouldn't even for a partner. If it's constant then I think he's got a point. I've steered my DP towards current affairs and history/sociology and away from Football.

sleepingpsycho · 20/10/2023 14:42

I kind of see where your DH is coming from, but I don't think it's so nice to sit you down and complain it! Plus, my DH absolutely loves a gossip and is happy to listen to me blabbing about all kinds of stuff, as I am with him!

mydogisthebest · 20/10/2023 14:46

Well me and DH have lots of shared interests but also have our own interests. I know that he doesn't find everything I talk about ultra interesting and I feel the same about some of the things he talks about BUT we are good friends and love each other so we listen to each other.

I love Strictly Come Dancing but don't know anyone else that likes it. So I do talk to DH about it and he, bless him, listens and will even watch a little bit of it. He knows it's important to me so he listens and tries to take an interest.

SíDoMhamóí · 20/10/2023 14:49

Sounds fair enough to me. Nobody can be all things for someone.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 20/10/2023 14:52

He’s rude and not kind. He finds the subject boring but I mean he does not need to be a dick about it.

Cordeliathecat · 20/10/2023 14:53

why need he need to say that to you? Was it just to make you feel like shit??

why doesn’t he just do what every husband does and just smile, nod, say “oh, really” in all the right places whilst not paying any attention at all?!

wildwestpioneer · 20/10/2023 14:56

He sounds a bit of a dick. I'm not interested in some subjects my dh tells me about, but I listen because it's important to him and he's interested in it. If I told him to stfu every time he mentioned something I wasn't interested in, it would end up being a very boring and isolated life.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 20/10/2023 14:59

I think sometimes we expect our partners to be the role of everything: friend, confidante, partner, romance, etc. But no one person can fulfil all your needs and it’s healthier to have friends and interests outside a relationship, especially when you WFH – I’d be making a concerted effort to build a network where you are, and also like me spend more time chatting shite on Mumsnet, as an outlet.

I don’t want to hear about lots of DP’s interests and tbf I don’t bother him with stuff of mine he has no interest in. I wouldn’t want it dismissed as girly nonsense, though.

Londonscallingme · 20/10/2023 15:01

I think in general we all need to be sensitive to whether or not the things we are saying to people are of interest to them. It's always wise to try and avoid going on 'transmit' and just spouting shit at people that they don't care about. So basically yes, I think your DH is right.

I do sympathise with you in terms of there being no-one else to talk about though. I am heavily pregnant to not going into the obvious much and I hate it.

Londonscallingme · 20/10/2023 15:06

Cordeliathecat · 20/10/2023 14:53

why need he need to say that to you? Was it just to make you feel like shit??

why doesn’t he just do what every husband does and just smile, nod, say “oh, really” in all the right places whilst not paying any attention at all?!

Isn't that worse? I'd hate to be patronised with fake participation in a conversation that the other person wasn't even really listening to.

I think he needed to say it because he doesn't want to hear about some of the stuff she is talking to him about, I don't think theres an issue with that. My OH has some interests which we don't share, he'll never pro-actively talk to me about them. Sometimes I ask because I am genuinely interested in hearing a bit about it but that doesn't mean I want it to become a daily topic of conversation. There's nothing wrong with that, I don't think

PinkyDinkyDoodle · 20/10/2023 15:06

My partner does not witter on at me about aspects of his life that do not interest me. In return, I try not to witter at him
about things that don’t interest him.

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/10/2023 15:06

Mmmm...

Did he actually say 'girly nonsense'... or did he say 'Look love, you like Married at First Sight and i haven't a fucking clue, nor do I understand the first thing about shoes, so it might be healthier if you find some actual girl friends to talk about that sort of thing with...'

The nuance and the details here make the difference as to whether he is a grade A cunt, or if he actually has a point.

Be honest too - are you a witterer? Do you start wittering the minute he walks in the door, about inconsequential waffle?

I listen to a LOT of witter from DP, he is a nerdy model train bore, and comes from a long line of similar witterers (his father is a CHAMPION witterer!) and I do think to some extent, thats part of life together in a long term relationship.

But... it has to go both ways and he will also listen to ME witter, let me read him stuff I've written to see if its idiot proof (its usually on a subject he's no more than averagely familiar with so hes a good test-monkey, not that he is an actual idiot!), let me tell him about funny Mumsnet posts or amusing cases at work etc.

If one of you is a witterer and the other not, so it's very unbalanced... thats an issue!

TeaGinandFags · 20/10/2023 15:07

I think you need to widen your social circle, even if it's online chat groups.

On the other hand, do you apply the szmd rules to him? Does he talk about things you find boring? I'm not suggesting tit for tat, but the sauce that covers the goose covers the gander also ...

Mum3563 · 20/10/2023 15:08

I wish I could be as honest as your DH. I wish mine didn't want to talk so much about panel shows, gaming and football. 😅

Echobelly · 20/10/2023 15:10

Btw, you sound a bit hurt about your friends not coming to visit but honestly adult life is like that, I don't see friends who live at a distance more than 2-3 times a year and I wouldn't expect them to see me more than that. I'd say that's fairly normal.

Worried234 · 20/10/2023 15:12

"In an ideal world, he'd hang off my every sentence."

You sound like a spoilt 16 year old.

Olika · 20/10/2023 15:13

You cannot expect your DH to fill all of your needs. You can always message/FaceTime your friends if they don't want to visit.

Birch101 · 20/10/2023 15:18

Have you tried the peanut app for other mum friends nearby. I do feel for you but depending on the distance between your old and new life I understand the reluctance to visit e.g. my once friend moved from an 1hrs drive away to over 6, so I went up once a year but it would cost me alot plus using up annual leave and was frankly exhausting. I have friends in the next county so 1.5-2hrs and we maybe meet up a few times a year but the effort has to come from both sides .... if your under a hrs drive away then I'd be miffed about so few visits but assume they have kids and lives too so a quick chat over a cup of tea is not really possible anymore.

Miyagi99 · 20/10/2023 15:25

I’m female and shoe talk would bore me, we all have different interests. I tend to only talk to my partner about mutual ones and him too or we’d both be bored!

Gillypie23 · 20/10/2023 15:30

Of course he's right. You need your own friends. Join a gym or local group and meet new people. Not healthy to return your husband.

Tinkerbyebye · 20/10/2023 15:32

I would point out what you have given up to be there for him, so listening to you a bit shouldn’t be unreasonable, it’s difficult to get up and out if you wfh.

personally if they said that to me I would look to go back home every weekend to see my family and friends and if he said anything say you told me to talk to friends!

Popetthetreehugger · 20/10/2023 15:32

It’s very unfair to expect one person to fulfil all the roles friends play in our lives ! I’m assuming he’s a good husband and dad , let him be what he’s good at ! And give yourself a reality check re your ex … they are an ex for a reason . Join something you’re interested in , they will be like minded souls .

UsingChangeofName · 20/10/2023 15:33

I'm really surprised there are such a mixture of replies to this!

I would be really hurt if my partner said this to me. Part of my relationship with my partner is not only having conversations of mutual interest, but being each others sounding board also. I'm sure some of the things I ramble on about to him are boring. Just as I have little interest in some of the things he wants to tell me.

There's a HUGE difference between 'being a sounding board' when you want to work something out, and listening to someone wittering on about things you have no interest in ALL THE TIME.
Yes, dh and I will listen to stuff the other needs to work through, but that is only one evening, or maybe one week, not every time you speak to them. In between that, both of us speak to loads of other people about lots of other things. As is normal.

Surely a relationship is also a friendship so what's wrong with speaking with your partner about "friend stuff"?

Nothing, but it is a bit claustrophobic if that is the only other adult you are having conversations with.

He might not have phrased it very well (if you recorded it verbatim), but your dh is right. You should go out and make friends where you live. It might be more difficult if the village is that tiny, and with you wfh, but surely you looked in to all that before deciding to make that move ?