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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just wish DD’s dad would die so Dd has a resolution

149 replies

Ostryga · 19/10/2023 20:35

God I just need a vent. DD’s dad is a prick of the highest order. Basically chose his violent partner over Dd and so she hasn’t seen him for 18 months.

How do I talk Dd through this? She misses him so so much, and I have explained that he couldn’t keep her safe so she needed to stay with me, I don’t want to full out say “he chose a woman that was hurting you” so he’s decided you’re not good enough for him.

I’ll never let Dd see how angry I am with him, but I wish he’d fuck off the face of the planet so I can just say oh he’s dead and it’s an end point. Perhaps that’s me being selfish because I’m the one who has to navigate her grief at losing her dad while he’s still alive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ostryga · 19/10/2023 20:35

Dd is 7. Forgot that part

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 19/10/2023 20:39

What a fucking horrible title.

ElFupacabra · 19/10/2023 20:41

This reply has been deleted

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jiinglebells · 19/10/2023 20:43

Is he also being abused?

So many people in abusive relationships don't seem able from the outside to pick their children over their abusive partners - it's hard to put yourself in their position too?

Yois · 19/10/2023 20:44

@Ostryga no answers sadly. I’m in the same position except he’s not with anyone new. He’s just a cunt.

I too wish the same thing. And I’m the biggest softie… but this, it’s broken me. I want to be able to explain death rather than ‘he doesn’t care about you.’

How old is your dd?

DamnUserName21 · 19/10/2023 20:45

You have my sympathy, OP.
I've not been in your situation but I know many women in similar scenarios.

You downplay it and do a slow fade. I would not promote or encourage contact with a parent who is fickle and has 'in and out' interest.
Unfortunately, you cannot say dickhead is dead or lives abroad (in my case) but you can say Dad's very busy with work, or what not. It's pathetic to excuse the twat but you have to for your child's benefit.
If you can, expose your child to families without a dad present so your child can see that not having a dad really isn't that unusual.

Yois · 19/10/2023 20:45

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Quitelikeit · 19/10/2023 20:46

If that’s what comes out of your mouth I couldn’t begin to imagine the darkness inside of you

Did the GF smack your DD?

users953269 · 19/10/2023 20:48

I sometimes have similar thoughts.

Not so much that I want him to die but if he didn't exist/ was dead then it would be easier.

Hugs OP. It's tough. She's lucky to have you.

DamnUserName21 · 19/10/2023 20:49

Quitelikeit · 19/10/2023 20:46

If that’s what comes out of your mouth I couldn’t begin to imagine the darkness inside of you

Did the GF smack your DD?

You need a reality check.
It's a lot easier for a child to have a deceased father (and subsequent closure) than to have a father who does not give a damn, is feckless, and will expose a child to an abusive partner.
OP may think it but does not mean she says it to her child.

Goodornot · 19/10/2023 20:50

My mum told me he was dead. He wasn't. I'll never trust a word out of her mouth again.

Tread carefully. It can backfire.

Thebigblueballoon · 19/10/2023 20:51

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Yois · 19/10/2023 20:51

Goodornot · 19/10/2023 20:50

My mum told me he was dead. He wasn't. I'll never trust a word out of her mouth again.

Tread carefully. It can backfire.

@Goodornot op hadn’t said she’s going to say this. Just that she wishes he was as it would be easier.

itsgettingweird · 19/10/2023 20:51

She's not actually wishing him dead.

It's quite obvious what she's saying is "is it so awful to think it would be easier to say he's dead than he's chosen a violent partner over her"

Sorry you're both going through this.

I'd just explained age appropriately that a parents job is to keep their child safe and right now daddy can't do that but you hope one day he'll be able to.

users953269 · 19/10/2023 20:51

Goodornot · 19/10/2023 20:50

My mum told me he was dead. He wasn't. I'll never trust a word out of her mouth again.

Tread carefully. It can backfire.

OP hasn't suggested she's going to lie to her dd and say he is dead.

Original poster
Ostryga · 19/10/2023 20:52

Goodornot · 19/10/2023 20:50

My mum told me he was dead. He wasn't. I'll never trust a word out of her mouth again.

Tread carefully. It can backfire.

Obviously I haven’t told her that, we talk about her dad every day.

I just wish he’d disappear so she has closure from him choosing a woman that hurt her violently over her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ostryga · 19/10/2023 20:53

jiinglebells · 19/10/2023 20:43

Is he also being abused?

So many people in abusive relationships don't seem able from the outside to pick their children over their abusive partners - it's hard to put yourself in their position too?

Honestly I don’t know, and that’s a huge part in me not telling Dd how awful he is etc. just the hurt he has caused (and yes, like you say, could be subjected to) has had such a fucking massive fallout.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 19/10/2023 20:53

Goodornot · 19/10/2023 20:50

My mum told me he was dead. He wasn't. I'll never trust a word out of her mouth again.

Tread carefully. It can backfire.

Op has t suggested she’s going to lie & tell her DD this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/10/2023 20:54

I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter.

If not too derailing (pls ignore if so op) Can I ask what happened and how you found out? This is my worst nightmare so any tips to be aware of would be helpful

Well done for keeping your dd safe and protected away from that awful person xx

DamnUserName21 · 19/10/2023 20:54

Goodornot · 19/10/2023 20:50

My mum told me he was dead. He wasn't. I'll never trust a word out of her mouth again.

Tread carefully. It can backfire.

There may have been reasons (or not) that your mum told you this. Traditionally, it was easier for the child if the mum said the father was dead. Rather than admit that the father doesn't give a fuck.

DrCoconut · 19/10/2023 20:57

My dad died when I was 6. My DS's dad disappeared from their lives suddenly a few years ago (he sees them again now but that's another story). I honestly think bereavement is easier to explain and know exactly where you're coming from.

CatherinedeBourgh · 19/10/2023 20:57

Unfortunately the neglectful parent's death doesn't always provide closure, in fact can make it worse as the closure can now never be had, the questions cannot be answered and so on.

Jewelspun · 19/10/2023 20:59

Whether your bitterness is justified or not, your child will pick up signs no matter how hard you try and keep your anger hidden.

DamnUserName21 · 19/10/2023 20:59

CatherinedeBourgh · 19/10/2023 20:57

Unfortunately the neglectful parent's death doesn't always provide closure, in fact can make it worse as the closure can now never be had, the questions cannot be answered and so on.

An absentee or in and out parent is far worse on a child's mental health than bereavement. The child has a reason (death) that the parent in question is not with them rather than lack of interest or care.

LadyTrunchbull · 19/10/2023 21:00

jiinglebells · 19/10/2023 20:43

Is he also being abused?

So many people in abusive relationships don't seem able from the outside to pick their children over their abusive partners - it's hard to put yourself in their position too?

This was my first thought. He's probably being controlled.

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