I just wish DD’s dad would die so Dd has a resolution

[Ostryga]

God I just need a vent. DD’s dad is a prick of the highest order. Basically chose his violent partner over Dd and so she hasn’t seen him for 18 months.

How do I talk Dd through this? She misses him so so much, and I have explained that he couldn’t keep her safe so she needed to stay with me, I don’t want to full out say “he chose a woman that was hurting you” so he’s decided you’re not good enough for him.

I’ll never let Dd see how angry I am with him, but I wish he’d fuck off the face of the planet so I can just say oh he’s dead and it’s an end point. Perhaps that’s me being selfish because I’m the one who has to navigate her grief at losing her dad while he’s still alive.

Your DD is experiencing grief as are you. She has lost her dad, her male role model, a protector and likely any family of his. She has also lost her role of being his DD.

You have lost your partner, your child's father, any family of his and their support. You have also had your hopes for you and your DD lives shredded.

Treat it like grief. Be kind to yourselves. Lower expectations about getting past it. Do kind things for others so she can experience the feeling of making a difference in others lives.

Talking about her dad allows her to process and reframe her little life just as it would if he had died. It's a normal process that we don't do because they are still alive and it feels odd but it is entirely appropriate.

@Iwasafool i am sorry for your loss.
My kids were different ages, one just short of being a teenager and the others much younger. They have all struggled considerably, anxiety, depression, self harm and more. They have needed counselling throughout. One of the younger ones doesn’t have the memories but grieves for what they have lost, another makes up memories. Do you honestly think that if their dad passed away it would just be an end to it? I will say it again losing a parent is not an easy option. I think I should stop looking at this thread as I find it very upsetting, if you haven’t lived it you have no idea.
I understand that fathers who walk out have a terrible affect on kids. I was one of those kids my dad was awful and abusive to my mum and siblings but it would not have been easier if he had died.

Grief is extremely complex.

I saw a lot of comments about how awful you are for wishing him dead (in a sense). I just wanted to come in and say that I also wish MY dad was dead so that I could get some closure.

Unless you've lived through it, you can't understand how someone can feel that way.

Anyway, I digress.

I would be continue to be honest with DD that her Dad isn't able to keep her safe right now (you never know what the future holds, they may be able to reconnect in the future once his partner is out of the picture).

She may also benefit from some counselling to help her work through the difficult emotions that she is experiencing. She will be grieving the relationship, but I imagine that she'll also be feeling pretty damn unlovable right now and she needs to know that this is absolutely not her fault (something that, sadly, she can't only hear from you as it won't have the same impact).

for you both. It's a shit situation.

@Yois
We used to have Sunday lunch together occasionally when DS was very little, so he knew the face. His father could be entertaining for that very short period of time (although very tedious for longer than about an hour), so DS just accepted he wasn't around much, but he knew who he was. I was very focussed on making him feel secure, telling him that I had everything covered, that we had a nice life together. I used to worry continually that if anything happened to me, it would leave such a huge gap in his life that he may never get over it, because your significance as a single parent his absolutely huge. I'm just glad I managed to keep up the facade of superwoman until he was an adult. Now of course he knows much more, and I selectively told him more from the age of about 11, as I felt he could handle it. He now knows his dad wanted him but left when I was pregnant, never paid a penny, and is a Russell Brand style shagger basically. But I didn't say that when he was younger, I just drew a discrete veil over it until I felt he could process more of the facts. We've subsequently discussed it a lot, from when he was 18. He sees his Dad occasionally but knows his limitations (being polite again). I didn't see any other men until ds was 7 and I met my now DH. Don't allow another useless man into your life because you can cover for one bad example of a man, but probably not two. When I met DH, it was as if I was interviewing him for the job of stepdad. Fortunately he has proven he was up to it. The burden is on you until a great man comes into your life, no matter how long that takes. My advice is give it all you've got, tread discretely, but knowing that in the future things will probably get a lot easier.

I don't think anyone realistically thinks the death of a parent is easier - it's different @Bringbackmemories

And like I said, my father died when I was young, so I feel like I'm qualified to speak on it to some extent.

The one thing about death, is there's no hope attached. There's just grief. There's an ending, there's what might have been.

Hope is a fucking cruel emotion in my opinion.

I've never experienced the hope that my dad might show up for me, might change, might choose me, the way that some people do growing up with abusive or neglectful or an absentee parent.

Neither scenarios are the ideal childhood background, both have their own pain. I think bereavement is cleaner though.

@category12 Yes, my experience is very different. I gave up on my dad and accepted that he was a waste of space very early on. Completely different and in no way equivalent to the way my kids have suffered 🤷🏼‍♀️. The op is saying it’s easier, saying it’s a resolution. Pls tell my kids that, it’s disrespectful to people who have struggled through losing a parent.
I can understand why she may feel that way but be careful what you wish for, the reality for the child may be nothing like how you imagined it.

I'm sorry for your loss. I understand why this has upset you and some other posters, but your situation is different to the OPs and really she's just having a rant on an anonymous forum about whether it would be easier for her DD to have a dead father as opposed to a feckless one because she's at the end of her tether. She's not wishing for it per se, just out loud wondering whether an alternative situation would be easier on her child because her child is in so much pain at the current situation.

It's a lot easier for a child to have a deceased father (and subsequent closure)

It might be different. As someone whose father died when I was 13 (and siblings were 8 and 6) I wouldn't at all agree it's easier let alone a lot; especially when none of those children were allowed to attend his funeral and he was hardly ever mentioned again because it upset DM so much.

I'd like to know what this 'closure' is we're supposed to have, can you tell me?

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain I am so sorry for your loss and I totally agree with you. It is insulting to people who have struggled with losing a parent. My kids were 10, 5, 3 and 1 when their dad died. There isn’t closure they have had to have counselling throughout their childhood and as previously mentioned suffered from anxiety, self harm and other disorders due to their grief, It’s been a horrific journey for them.
It is a very insensitive post.

People are really not understanding that yes of course it’s worse if a good parent dies than if an absent one stays absent.

But all absent parents are pretty awful people. It’s not comparable. Of course it’s easier and less pain for a child to be able to box of dad has died, than ‘dad doesn’t want to see me.’

@Bringbackmemories @MrsDanversGlidesAgain presumably these dads were decent, involved parents. Not scumbags who emotionally damaged their children by being alive but not seeing them.

@yois yes, my children’s dad was as involved as he could be considering his deteriorating health, his frequent need for ambulances and hospital stays and his need to be on machines at home day and night non of which is easy for kids either. My children’s dad was not abusive or absent but my dad was and I still don’t think it would have been better if he had died. If he had died I would have really struggled with the grief. It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived it. It’s not as simple as oh they’re dead, I have closure.
As it was, I came to terms with who he was and eventually cut him off. It’s not a competition and I certainly wouldn’t put a post out saying at least you have a dad, even if he is abusive, that’s better than him being dead. That would be insensitive to people in that situation.

Abuse victims get caught in a trauma bond. Its a real thing where the brain gets addicted to the highs and lows of the abuse cycle. It's not as easy or simple as just leaving.

All you can do is tell your DD every day that she is loved, worthy and that the choices adults make are sometimes unfair and complicated but that doesn't mean her Dad doesn't care or love her or that he doesn't want to see her.

I'd go as far as to tell her that he loves her so much that he knows he can't keep her safe so he is staying away until one day he can come back and that you hope she knows how special and deeply loved she is. If she is younger minded, tell her it is like a prince trapped with an evil witch but one day he will break free.
That may help her understand that he isn't rejecting her, he is just trapped (and weak) and cannot see his way out right now.

I hope you meet a wonderful new man one day and he can step in and be the Dad for he that she deserves like my step dad was for me. You both deserve love and to be the center of someone elses world. <3

I had a very abusive ex who was in and out of the kids lives . I do understand the feeling of wanting an end to this .
However ,In my case he did actually die it only made things worse they had to grieve him and the father they never had. Double whammy !

I’m in a very similar situation OP except my ex was violent to my (then) 5 year old. His partner and family have stuck by him, although they likely don’t know the extent of it. He walked out of DS’s life 18 months ago after a violent overnight contact with DS, not that I’d have ever allowed him back into DS’s life after that. Social services and police were already involved.

I’d love it if he does, and I don’t care if that makes me a shit parent. After what he put my son through, I do not care.

This isn’t really about people who have struggled with losing a parent. My mother grieved her whole life for her father and she still isn’t over it at 85. However he was a very good man and great loss.

Losing an abusive parent is different. It’s a double-edged sword - grief for that loss of the father figure - however on the flip side - an avoidance of a life of a different kind of pain.

For the record I have a friend with an abusive parent who died when she was 21. Of course she grieved but it was partly for a father figure she never had. They were all mightily relieved and it solved a lot of problems. She was about to go NC with him anyway.

This thread is about someone wishing their child’s absent parent would die so there is a resolution. It is very insensitive to insinuate that losing a parent is a resolution. It is also a very insensitive post for people who have lost a parent. Losing a parent is a very complex and even losing an absent parent has a great many issues as pointed out by @smilyfairy. I am so sorry that you and your children had to go through that.
Anyway, I am leaving this thread now as I’ve already explained how upsetting and insensitive it is.

Losing an abusive parent is different. It’s a double-edged sword - grief for that loss of the father figure - however on the flip side - an avoidance of a life of a different kind of pain

Except when you have the abusive parent there's always the hope that they'll change and become the parent you want. Not so when you lose a parent via death.

Anyway, I am leaving this thread now as I’ve already explained how upsetting and insensitive it is

Ditto, I'm not interested in playing the who has it harder game. I still wonder what my life would have been like if DF hadn't died and I still miss him and feel the deep gap in my life of never having had that father figure growing up. But apparently I and DBs (who also suffered in their individual ways) had it easier.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain Which rarely happens and then you have further pain of wasted time and energy on futile hope ending with total disillusion.

Absolutely this.

OP, I'm sorry your DC have such an awful father. And that it falls on you to support them through this difficult relationship. It is wholly unfair on them and you.

If my dad had died when I was that age, I'd have been supported as a child, I'd have had closure. I'd have missed out on the years of abuse from him and his wife.

I'd have grieved and kept him as a memory forever, and just maybe my childhood and young adult life wouldn't have been deeply traumatic. It might not have taken until I was in my 30's to realise that I was 100% blameless and that I deserved better than my past.

I understand how you feel the way you do, and I think there are posters deliberately putting words in your mouth.

I'd go as far as to tell her that he loves her so much that he knows he can't keep her safe so he is staying away until one day he can come back and that you hope she knows how special and deeply loved she is.

That is a lie that can and will backfire in a monumental way. The child will end up trying her best to establish contact with dad to reassure him just to be rejected again or waiting for their return idealising the people they are, it us just setting the child for further and bigger disappointment.