Page 3 | I just wish DD’s dad would die so Dd has a resolution

happylittlesloth · 19/10/2023 21:51

Maybe get some therapy? It sounds tough.

JANEY205 · 19/10/2023 21:53

I agree with you OP. My life would have been so much easier if my pos Dad was dead and not just absent and abusive. He also dropped me anytime he got a new gf. People who haven’t been in this situation will NOT get it, so ignore them.

Nowherenew · 19/10/2023 21:53

YABU to wish your DDs dad was dead.

Unfortunately she’s at an age where she’s too young to need to know the full details.

I would tell her that her dad loves her but he’s still living with the woman that hurt her and isn’t allowed to see her until he moves out.

If possible I would still try and keep a line of communication open so she can still talk to her dad and feel like he loves her (if he can be bothered).

There’s absolutely nothing I find more frustrating than someone chooses an abusive partner over their own child.

OneFrenchEgg · 19/10/2023 21:54

Please link me to the research, being a bereaved child and raising a child of a feckless, drunk arsehole I know which one I'd prefer

JANEY205 · 19/10/2023 21:56

Iwasafool · 19/10/2023 21:29

I agree with you, I feel the same. I feel so sad that I will never have an adult relationship with my dad, even worse for my little brother. I knew him but I knew him as a child knows an adult. I'd love the chance to talk to him, to understand him. It is a loss that will never heal.

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And you don’t think people with abusive and absent Dads dont also have that loss? For those of us whose Dads CHOSE to leave us it’s a pain that can’t be fixed. I always wished my Dad was dead because then he wouldn’t have chosen to leave.

Throckmorton · 19/10/2023 22:03

Can you tell her that while he loves her, some people are just not very good at being a parent, and unfortunately he's one of them, which is why he doesn't see her. Reiterate that he loves her, but he's poor at being there for her. That's it's his issue, not anything she has done.

Ofcourseshecan · 19/10/2023 22:04

Ostryga · 19/10/2023 20:35

God I just need a vent. DD’s dad is a prick of the highest order. Basically chose his violent partner over Dd and so she hasn’t seen him for 18 months.

How do I talk Dd through this? She misses him so so much, and I have explained that he couldn’t keep her safe so she needed to stay with me, I don’t want to full out say “he chose a woman that was hurting you” so he’s decided you’re not good enough for him.

I’ll never let Dd see how angry I am with him, but I wish he’d fuck off the face of the planet so I can just say oh he’s dead and it’s an end point. Perhaps that’s me being selfish because I’m the one who has to navigate her grief at losing her dad while he’s still alive.

I have no advice to offer, OP. But I deeply sympathise with you and DD. Thank God she has a strong, brave and loving mother to protect her. You are a superb role model.

Iwasafool · 19/10/2023 22:05

JANEY205 · 19/10/2023 21:56

And you don’t think people with abusive and absent Dads dont also have that loss? For those of us whose Dads CHOSE to leave us it’s a pain that can’t be fixed. I always wished my Dad was dead because then he wouldn’t have chosen to leave.

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I'm not dismissing the pain of an abusive absent father, other people are dismissing the pain of a child whose parent died. Can you see the difference?

Zigzagga · 19/10/2023 22:06

OP I'm so sorry. This is an awful situation. I don't have any advice to offer but I would feel the same way if I was you. Your daughter is very lucky to have you!

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/10/2023 22:06

The OP isnt wishing the pain of losing a loving parent onto her child, she is wishing that she didnt have to deal with the fall out of his shitty choices, and by extension that their child doesnt have to suffer too.

I went through this with two of mine when their dad went NC because his new GF didnt like him having any contact with me. What could I say when they asked why he hadnt seen them? "Because Daddy loves his new GF more than you"?! Because that was the truth.

Just because we think these things, doesnt mean we wish someone actually dead, more that we wish the problem would go away, and as that would involve him becoming a decent father which he clearly has no intention of doing, what else is there to wish for?!

Lifeomars · 19/10/2023 22:08

While I have not been through anything like you and your daughter have I must admit I used to wish my ex would die. It would have meant no more failing to turn up to see our child who would be left sobbing and having a stomach upset due to the stress of waiting and hoping in vain, no more last minute cancellations, which left me wanting to say "your dad is just mean and cruel to treat you like this" rather than biting my tongue as the prevailing wisdom was not to bad mouth the absent parent. When our child got older they just saw their dad as a bit weak and pathetic and opted out of spending time with them. So I did wish him dead because that would have been a line drawn under the dashed hopes and the constant let downs. But would it have led to them idealising their dad? Maybe in my case it was better that our child just grew older and learnt what sort of a person their dad really was.

giroux · 19/10/2023 22:10

@SoOpenitsbrainshavefallenout
I so appreciate your point. My kids’ father is a dreadful human. Violent, sexually abusive and doesn’t pay for them - despite having a good income and living a great life style (we don’t live in the UK so unfortunately are subject to more complex laws around collecting child support than the UK).

Right from the start of our separation follow some hideous violence I decided that I disagreed with the mantra about me not criticising him for a variety of reasons. Firstly, he rarely saw/sees them, and because they were so young they had none (or limited) memories of him; secondly, I think they needed an accurate narrative of their life and pretending he was great was a lie; and thirdly (and perhaps most importantly) they needed to know who and what he was/is so that they could protect themselves from him (particularly important since the courts would not do that where we live and he would just swan in and out of their lives).

As you can see, I totally reject this idea of presenting fairytale a version of a monstrous parent. Many people disagree with me but in my situation letting them know he was dangerous (in age appropriate ways that changed as time went by) was important.

Also, OP , I found it important to acknowledge that I DID have feelings and that I didn’t parent in a vacuum. His actions (and inactions) impacted me and my mental healthy enormously. And therefore they impacted how i mothered my children.

I’m not sure why society has created this idea (responsibility?) that mothers (women) have to be super human in their response to an abuser and gaslight themselves and their children about shit dads. 🤷‍♀️

tara66 · 19/10/2023 22:11

Why can't you just tell DD her father has moved too far away for her to see him?

TheGooseDrankWine · 19/10/2023 22:11

OP I am so sorry your ex has put you in this position, and especially sorry for your poor Dd.

Deliberate abuse-related rejection is a terrible thing to do to a child - all the loss that a death might entail with the understanding that the father had a choice, and chose o abandon her.

Can you seek family therapy or help as to how to talk to your Dd? And whether minimising and explaining away his disappearance is the best thing, or ways to tell her that he cannot see her because of the nasty lady who hurt her? Does she remember that?

porridgeisbae · 19/10/2023 22:14

“he chose a woman that was hurting you” so he’s decided you’re not good enough for him.

My dad does hurtful stuff in recent years because my step mum is controlling/manipulating him and makes his life awful if he doesn't follow her rules. She tries to isolate him from everyone. You never know entirely the ins and outs of another couple's relationship.

That said, it isn't an excuse really, especially not to treat a child badly.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/10/2023 22:14

Lifeomars · 19/10/2023 22:08

While I have not been through anything like you and your daughter have I must admit I used to wish my ex would die. It would have meant no more failing to turn up to see our child who would be left sobbing and having a stomach upset due to the stress of waiting and hoping in vain, no more last minute cancellations, which left me wanting to say "your dad is just mean and cruel to treat you like this" rather than biting my tongue as the prevailing wisdom was not to bad mouth the absent parent. When our child got older they just saw their dad as a bit weak and pathetic and opted out of spending time with them. So I did wish him dead because that would have been a line drawn under the dashed hopes and the constant let downs. But would it have led to them idealising their dad? Maybe in my case it was better that our child just grew older and learnt what sort of a person their dad really was.

I agree that them seeing the truth eventually is the better thing but its so hard when you are going through it. As mine have got older they both see what a snivelling piece of crap he was/is. DD is now the age I was when he fucked off and she said not that long ago "Well he clearly thought getting his end away was more important than us so fuck him". This was after his mother, who she is in letter contact with, mentioned how he would love to see her. She said how he regrets what he did.....funny how he only regrets it now him and the "new GF" as she was then, are now divorced.

But when she was 4 and crying because daddy wasnt coming yet again, yes I thought some very very dark thoughts. I think that there were probably days where I would have killed him myself if I thought I could have got away with it. He hurt my kids, I will never forgive that.

Startrekkeruniverse · 19/10/2023 22:15

Gazelda · 19/10/2023 21:25

One of my parents died when I was a toddler.
The other remained to a person who was violet to me. That parent turned a blind eye.

In my experience, it's far, far harder to come to terms with a dead parent than a neglectful one.

Some of the responses on this thread are very hard to read. They seem to minimise the impact of losing a parent has on a child.

While having a neglectful parent and an abusive step-parent is awful and not to be wished on anyone, never underestimate the lifelong pain that is suffered by children whose parent died while they were young.

I'm sorry your child is going through such a heartbreaking situation OP. And I sympathise with your predicament. But this thread has upset me a huge amount. I miss my dead parent 50+ years later. It's. It something a child gets over.

Very well said and I’m sorry for your loss. Some of the responses on this thread saying that the death of a parent is easier to bear are bizarre.

TheShellBeach · 19/10/2023 22:17

RiderGirl · 19/10/2023 21:40

My Dad's deadbeat dad did die. It was one of the biggest reliefs in my life, we no longer had to hide from him and I didn't have to worry about the damage he'd do to her emotionally if he managed to get in contact. It made it so unambiguous and black and white.

I get where you're coming from OP and I bet countless other women feel the same, whether they'd admit it or not.

Do you mean your grandad or your DD's dad?

porridgeisbae · 19/10/2023 22:18

I think someone wishing an ex dead for one reason or another isn't uncommon.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/10/2023 22:19

I dont think that anyone is saying that the death of a parent is easier or harder than the willing abandonment by a parent for the childs abuser.

But it would be easier for the RP who is contantly drying tears and making excuses.

Its a fantasy. Its a lottery win type thought "Wouldnt it be so much easier if......" safe in the knowledge that chances are it wont happen. Its a thought that gets you through those horrible times when you are yet again comforting a hearbroken child.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 19/10/2023 22:22

I have children whose dad has died and let me tell you if you think that would be an easy ride then you are very much mistaken.

Needsomebloodyperspective · 19/10/2023 22:22

I wish my sons father was dead he is a fucking rapist and a wife beater and the idea that somehow he may rub off on my son fills me with dread.

Startrekkeruniverse · 19/10/2023 22:23

Iwasafool · 19/10/2023 22:05

I'm not dismissing the pain of an abusive absent father, other people are dismissing the pain of a child whose parent died. Can you see the difference?

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Exactly this. If you haven’t lost a dad you can’t possibly know what it’s like.

Lookingatthesunset · 19/10/2023 22:24

Thebigblueballoon · 19/10/2023 20:39

What a fucking horrible title.

Do you have any idea what this child is going through?!!

TheShellBeach · 19/10/2023 22:27

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 19/10/2023 22:22

I have children whose dad has died and let me tell you if you think that would be an easy ride then you are very much mistaken.

I'm sorry about your loss.
Was your husband a good father though? Because the OP is talking about a man who has chosen to stay with a woman who abused her daughter.
I doubt if you can compare the two situations.