Page 4 | I just wish DD’s dad would die so Dd has a resolution

Ostryga · 2023-10-19T19:35:06+00:00

God I just need a vent. DD’s dad is a prick of the highest order. Basically chose his violent partner over Dd and so she hasn’t seen him for 18 months. How do I talk Dd through this? She misses him so so much, and I have explained that he couldn’t keep her safe so she needed to stay with me, I don’t want to full out say “he chose a woman that was hurting you” so he’s decided you’re not good enough for him. I’ll never let Dd see how angry I am with him, but I wish he’d fuck off the face of the planet so I can just say oh he’s dead and it’s an end point. Perhaps that’s me being selfish because I’m the one who has to navigate her grief at losing her dad while he’s still alive.

Consideringachange2023 · 19/10/2023 22:27

YANBU OP.

I lost a parent as a child and yes it massively impacted my life (and still does in some ways) but I have friends who parents (mostly dads) abandon them, choose new women, start new families etc and in every case I have faired better.

It’s obviously horrific to lose a parent as a child but it is arguably far worse to have a parent discard you by choice. Then throw in that the parent also failed to keep you safe and chose your abuser over you….

You’re not wrong OP, I wish your dd so much love and I am sure with you supporting her she will begin to heal from the trauma and perhaps move on from the hurt her dad has caused (as much as is possible).

And for the woman who hurt her, well let’s hope the next person she tries to hurt can return the favour

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 19/10/2023 22:28

There are many serious consequences to losing a parent young. Suicide, drugs, alcohol abuse self harm, MH issues, dropping out of school, high percentage end up in prison, but hey ho , if you want to think it's easier carry on.

ManagedMove · 19/10/2023 22:33

Yes. Been there with my oldest. Be so much nicer if he was dead so we could be all, how sad he's dead, rather than watch the emotional fallout of his callousness.

RiderGirl · 19/10/2023 22:35

DD, my daughter's dad, not my dad's dad!

DamnUserName21 · 19/10/2023 22:36

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 19/10/2023 22:28

There are many serious consequences to losing a parent young. Suicide, drugs, alcohol abuse self harm, MH issues, dropping out of school, high percentage end up in prison, but hey ho , if you want to think it's easier carry on.

Same issues children may experience with a neglectful, abusive or absentee parent.

Mirabai · 19/10/2023 22:36

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 19/10/2023 22:28

There are many serious consequences to losing a parent young. Suicide, drugs, alcohol abuse self harm, MH issues, dropping out of school, high percentage end up in prison, but hey ho , if you want to think it's easier carry on.

Exactly the same is true of abusive parents and on what planet has anyone said it’s easier? They’re both tough.

Most of the people mourning a parent (and my mother lost a parent young and it still affects her now) lost a good person. The people I know who lost an abusive parent have a very different perspective.

EmeraldTheSeahorse · 19/10/2023 22:37

Hmm this is interesting. My kids dad is absent and people often tell me it’s a good thing and I’m lucky and it’s best for the kids that he doesn’t bother with them! Now suddenly an absent parent is the worst thing ever worse than a deceased parent 🤔

StJulian2023 · 19/10/2023 22:45

I can see the OPs perspective, and I don’t think there’s any point comparing different situations anyway. Clearly lots of really rough experiences on this thread 💐💐💐

My DC’s absolutely exceptional dad died when they were 5 and 7 and it’s been super hard, on all of us, but they know he’d have never ever left them through choice. Sometimes it gives me the rage that there are feckless dads everywhere and my kids’ flipping outstanding one had to get cancer in his 30s. That’s our pain. 💐💐for yours.

ironingboardantifreeze · 19/10/2023 22:59

StJulian2023 · 19/10/2023 22:45

I can see the OPs perspective, and I don’t think there’s any point comparing different situations anyway. Clearly lots of really rough experiences on this thread 💐💐💐

My DC’s absolutely exceptional dad died when they were 5 and 7 and it’s been super hard, on all of us, but they know he’d have never ever left them through choice. Sometimes it gives me the rage that there are feckless dads everywhere and my kids’ flipping outstanding one had to get cancer in his 30s. That’s our pain. 💐💐for yours.

I’m so sorry for your and your children’s loss. What an awful fucker cancer is. Wishing you lots of love and healing.

I agree, everyone has their cross to bear, no situation in this case is harder than the other. Unfortunately, decent people are usually forced to go to the extremes to get their points across in cases like these, which makes them seem unhinged and unreasonable… actually, they were never the problem. Indeed, OP’s predicament would be difficult to understand if you’d come from a relatively healthy, functional family.

OP, I get it. I was a total dad’s girl as a kid, then as a teen watched my dad walk away and slowly morph into a different person. I massively resented his new life and family - but, of course, I never really had a step-family problem, I had a dad problem. Turns out he wasn’t a ‘new person’, it was just my first chance to see his terribly unflattering traits for what they were. Terrible. I adore my dad and always will, which is part of the problem. At times I wish he’d just cut me off so I didn’t have to watch him try and erase me and my siblings’ lives in real time.

Your DDs dad could be being controlled and abused, which is awful and he deserves help if that’s the case. But that’s not for your poor 7 year old to know or deal with. All she knows is she’s lost her dad. Hugs OP.

Stressedafff · 19/10/2023 23:01

Hi OP

Im in the same position. I’m being abused by DD’s dad and the only thing keeping me here is that I can’t send her to stay with him alone. I don’t trust him but don’t have much in the way of physical evidence.

Our lives would be so much easier if he kicked the bucket.
I have no advice, but you have so much of my sympathy xxx

Biasquia · 19/10/2023 23:09

giroux · 19/10/2023 22:10

@SoOpenitsbrainshavefallenout
I so appreciate your point. My kids’ father is a dreadful human. Violent, sexually abusive and doesn’t pay for them - despite having a good income and living a great life style (we don’t live in the UK so unfortunately are subject to more complex laws around collecting child support than the UK).

Right from the start of our separation follow some hideous violence I decided that I disagreed with the mantra about me not criticising him for a variety of reasons. Firstly, he rarely saw/sees them, and because they were so young they had none (or limited) memories of him; secondly, I think they needed an accurate narrative of their life and pretending he was great was a lie; and thirdly (and perhaps most importantly) they needed to know who and what he was/is so that they could protect themselves from him (particularly important since the courts would not do that where we live and he would just swan in and out of their lives).

As you can see, I totally reject this idea of presenting fairytale a version of a monstrous parent. Many people disagree with me but in my situation letting them know he was dangerous (in age appropriate ways that changed as time went by) was important.

Also, OP , I found it important to acknowledge that I DID have feelings and that I didn’t parent in a vacuum. His actions (and inactions) impacted me and my mental healthy enormously. And therefore they impacted how i mothered my children.

I’m not sure why society has created this idea (responsibility?) that mothers (women) have to be super human in their response to an abuser and gaslight themselves and their children about shit dads. 🤷‍♀️

I agree.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/10/2023 23:14

OP, I hear you having been in a similar situation. My ex husband had an affair and moved in with OW. The woman is a malignant narcissist with other tendencies that I won't bandy about here but suffice to say she is extremely controlling and absolutely despised our then 2 year old son. Eventually she couldn't hide her hate any longer and was openly abusive towards him, witnessed by others who contacted me. When I got cancer and the pandemic struck she used both of those to force the end of contact.

My ex chose her over our son. Despite the court putting a prohibited steps order in place to prevent her having any further contact, he still married her. She bought a house at the other end of the country to make sure my ex and our son could no longer see eachother. It has been hugely damaging for my child.

He has had endless therapy and now he is nearly a teen we are able to talk openly. He still cries. He is still hurt. He doesn't call my ex "dad" any longer. He doesn't want to see him again. I have told him that his father is not able to be a good parent as he didn't have good parents himself. I have told him that his father is likely neurodiverse (as our son is) and that has meant his decisions are often impulsive and flawed. I don't bad mouth him and we never speak of her. She is a pointless waste of space and therefore not worthy of discussion. I do sometimes think death would be easier to explain and deal with. I hope you're able to find a way forward for your daughter but I can say that having one strong, stable, loving parent is more than enough.

Astonymission · 19/10/2023 23:14

Odiebay · 19/10/2023 21:37

What helped me was " some people are not good at being parents and can't give you what you deserve or need. It doesn't always make them bad people but there are people who are not worthy of you and you have to accept what they are capable of. There are people who are willing to learn and grow to be good parents or at least try and others who are not. Your dad does not. He is not capable of being a good father and that is him limitation and NOT your fault".

Age appropriate to the above.. but it helped me see that he is limited and that I'm not the problem. That's the main point. This is his problem and nothing she did or could have done to cause or deserve this and its ok to realise it's not good enough for you.

The problem with that is when the father goes on to play happy families with step children or having more children. Then the child may wonder “ah he is capable of being a father to some people, why not me?”

It’s a difficult one.

OP, I understand where you’re coming from. Unfortunately your ex has created a terrible situation that is likely to impact your daughter for a long time, but all you can do is continue to love and protect her in the best way you can.

Iknowthis1 · 19/10/2023 23:14

"Perhaps that’s me being selfish"

Perhaps? Seriously?

You're asking if it's reasonable to wish someone dead. I'm wondering if he's gone from one abusive relationship to another.

category12 · 19/10/2023 23:18

My father died when I was very young - it has not been a source of lifelong pain to me.

It probably depends what age you're bereaved, how much if affects you. At least I don't have the deep sense of rejection that comes with a parent choosing to fuck off out of your life, or wander in and out causing havoc and pain each time.

Neither experience of deceased parent or absent parent is the ideal childhood. 😂

But who the fuck gets that anyway?

porridgeisbae · 19/10/2023 23:33

Perhaps? Seriously? You're asking if it's reasonable to wish someone dead. I'm wondering if he's gone from one abusive relationship to another.

It's not severely abnormal to wish someone who's seriously hurt you or someone you love dead. And it doesn't actually do anything to abuse the other person.

It's a sin, but not unknown in this world.

Limonatamum · 19/10/2023 23:40

I get that. You’re not a bad person. I’m 30 and my dad died recently. Ages 11-25 were tough with intermittent contact, ages 25-27 were extremely tough when I fully cut contact and grieved him. Now he’s gone, things are easier, I’ve celebrated my daughter and grannies milestone birthdays with extended family. I don’t have to worry about whether I should give me daughter a relationship with him. I no longer tense up at unknown number calls. I don’t think I can quite say I’m glad he died, but I can acknowledge that amongst all the feels, there’s definitely relief.

massive hugs, I know my mum struggled with it for years. She was right there for me when he died though, you just protect her as much as you can, and know that one day she’ll truly understand everything you’re doing.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 19/10/2023 23:56

@Ostryga

i wonder if it would help you explain this to your Dd if you framed it another way . So not so much “ he chose her over you “ but more that he’s not able to be a very good parent. A bit like what @Odiebay said.

Id ask your Dd to imagine that she had a tiny kitten / puppy and it was her job to look after it and protect it. Would she leave her puppy with someone that she knew would be cruel to it/ shouts at it / hit it / not feed it ?

What would she do if she was in the park and a big dog came and growled at her tiny puppy? No doubt she will say “ run away with the puppy “ or “ pick up the puppy “ or “ ask someone for help “.

Perhaps you can use an example that’s more like what happened to her. hopefully all of responses she gives will be about protecting the puppy / keeping it safe.

Then Explain that’s a bit like being a parent, that even though she’s only 7 she understands that, that she has good instincts / is kind/ responsible etc

But not all adults are able to protect their children and keep them safe. And that her dad was only thinking about what he wanted (eg going to the pub ) that he didn’t chose a good person to look after her.

And that’s why he is not allowed to see her right now, because he’s not very good at being a parent. And the most important thing is that she is safe.

And that’s also why she did the right thing to tell you ( about the abuse ) , that she made a good choice / was very brave / grown up etc .Amd that she must always tell you if anyone else does something to hurt her / scare her.

So it’s not so much him choosing his partner over her. And it’s certainly
NOT because she told about the abuse. It’s because the adults around her ( you/ social services / rest of your family / teachers / whoever ) have decided that he can’t see her because he can’t keep her safe.

and it’s ok for her to be sad about that and miss him ( if she does ).

I think it’s important that she’s knows it’s a decision taken by adults who care for her to keep her safe, that she might not understand it or agree with it and that’s ok. It’s a decision made with her welfare at the centre.

beatrix1234 · 20/10/2023 00:03

My dad abandoned my brother and me when we were teens, then went to marry another woman and had kids. Every x years he would phone us, put the blame on his wife ("sorry kids, she's jealous of you guys and made me choose between her and you guys, you gotta understand") he would insert himself again in our lives causing havoc then dissapear again to pop up five years later then rinse and repeat for decades. Eventually I had to go NC for my own sanity. Life would have been so much easier for me if someone had told me he was dead and never saw him after he was gone. Disfunctional parents can do an incredible amount of damage to children so I hear you OP (and I feel for your daughter, she deserves so much better).

mumofgirls35 · 20/10/2023 00:07

That sounds so awful and I'm so sorry you and your dd are going through this. Out if interest what is your relationship with the dad like? Can you have a productive conversation with him about it or is it not really possible? Does the violent partner have any children of their own? How long has their relationship been going on? I think all of these are important parts of the equation when deciding how to move forward. For example, if their relationship is new and it ended and he asked to start seeing dd again, would you be open to it or would that be a no go considering what's happened?

MariaLuna · 20/10/2023 00:08

What a fucking horrible title.

I Agree.

Get some wise to talk to OP, or a good counsellor. (Many are crap).

Indoorcatmum · 20/10/2023 00:15

I truly wonder how some of the people on here get through life day to day.

You are having a vent about a terrible situation and you deserve a huge hand hold, not people projecting and assuming and not actually reading your post.

You have to deal with a traumatized daughter, being a single parent and your own feelings of anger towards your ex and the woman that abused your daughter.

The "slow fade" is the best option.

"Remember darling that Daddy isn't able to keep you safe at the moment because he isn't making good choices but mummy loves you very much".

I would say this on repeat.
She is old enough to hear some of the truth without it being sugarcoated and if he is being abused then he can come and repair his relationship with your daughter if he leaves his new partner.

Sending you warm thoughts 💗

Princessbananahamock · 20/10/2023 00:18

Thanks twat now movealong

Princessbananahamock · 20/10/2023 00:20

That was to another poster

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/10/2023 00:20

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/10/2023 23:14

OP, I hear you having been in a similar situation. My ex husband had an affair and moved in with OW. The woman is a malignant narcissist with other tendencies that I won't bandy about here but suffice to say she is extremely controlling and absolutely despised our then 2 year old son. Eventually she couldn't hide her hate any longer and was openly abusive towards him, witnessed by others who contacted me. When I got cancer and the pandemic struck she used both of those to force the end of contact.

My ex chose her over our son. Despite the court putting a prohibited steps order in place to prevent her having any further contact, he still married her. She bought a house at the other end of the country to make sure my ex and our son could no longer see eachother. It has been hugely damaging for my child.

He has had endless therapy and now he is nearly a teen we are able to talk openly. He still cries. He is still hurt. He doesn't call my ex "dad" any longer. He doesn't want to see him again. I have told him that his father is not able to be a good parent as he didn't have good parents himself. I have told him that his father is likely neurodiverse (as our son is) and that has meant his decisions are often impulsive and flawed. I don't bad mouth him and we never speak of her. She is a pointless waste of space and therefore not worthy of discussion. I do sometimes think death would be easier to explain and deal with. I hope you're able to find a way forward for your daughter but I can say that having one strong, stable, loving parent is more than enough.

We will always have pineapples xxx