I just wish DD’s dad would die so Dd has a resolution

[Ostryga]

God I just need a vent. DD’s dad is a prick of the highest order. Basically chose his violent partner over Dd and so she hasn’t seen him for 18 months.

How do I talk Dd through this? She misses him so so much, and I have explained that he couldn’t keep her safe so she needed to stay with me, I don’t want to full out say “he chose a woman that was hurting you” so he’s decided you’re not good enough for him.

I’ll never let Dd see how angry I am with him, but I wish he’d fuck off the face of the planet so I can just say oh he’s dead and it’s an end point. Perhaps that’s me being selfish because I’m the one who has to navigate her grief at losing her dad while he’s still alive.

What am I meant to do though? Dd knows she can talk about her dad any time, ask any questions.

Am I meant to just shut down all of my feelings forever in case she picks up on anything subconsciously? His partner was abusing my daughter, I’m not sure how anyone can stop their subconscious being angry about that.

In your opening post you imply the dad has stopped seeing your daughter.

In your reply to my post you say his girlfriend abused your daughter.

Surely you wouldn't want him to see your daughter?

Leave them to it and let go of the anger and be thankful you're free of them and raise your child with love and light.

No judgement from me @Ostryga

It would take every strength I had to not hurt the people that hurt my DC in such a way that you allude to. She must have been only 5 or so when it all happened.

One day she will know the truth and know how you protected her - her journey to that point of understanding may be quite a convoluted one and you may find yourself in the firing line as the one person she has unconditional love from.

He hasn’t seen Dd for 18 months and his partner was abusive to Dd. That’s quite clear in the opening post.

Letting go of abuse doesn’t actually work, especially when you’re 5 years old and your dad is meant to protect you. And then when you speak up he stops seeing you.

You ought to press charges OP!
This woman should be held accountable for her abhorrent actions against your DD!

I’m with you OP.

Totally understandable why you feel this way.

Sorry you have to see your dd go through this.

What did the gf do to your daughter and does she remember it?

What have you told her about why she doesn't see him?

The main thing is to be honest but keeping it age appropriate and avoiding anything that she can internalise as her fault. "Daddy cant keep you safe at the moment so he can't come and see you?". Equivocation and distraction will be second nature to you- for example "Do you think he misses me?" "Well you ARE the best girl in the whole world so who wouldn't miss you?". Etc.

It may well not be in the DD’s best interests to go through a criminal investigation and court case. Our criminal justice system convicts very few people for their crimes and being a witness in a case where you were traumatized can negatively impact your mental health even more, regardless of the eventual outcome.

One of my parents died when I was a toddler.
The other remained to a person who was violet to me. That parent turned a blind eye.

In my experience, it's far, far harder to come to terms with a dead parent than a neglectful one.

Some of the responses on this thread are very hard to read. They seem to minimise the impact of losing a parent has on a child.

While having a neglectful parent and an abusive step-parent is awful and not to be wished on anyone, never underestimate the lifelong pain that is suffered by children whose parent died while they were young.

I'm sorry your child is going through such a heartbreaking situation OP. And I sympathise with your predicament. But this thread has upset me a huge amount. I miss my dead parent 50+ years later. It's. It something a child gets over.

Op - I hear you .. the damage is done .

what I would say at that age if talking about it every day I would deflect a lot more ..

My D’s hasn’t seen his dad since he was 3 … the advice was kids talk about alsorts every day with out a great deal of response .. Every time dad is mentioned you give it much more thought than I haven’t seen aunty dot in Spain for 2 years no she hasn’t been over, we haven’t seen gran for 2 weeks.. no she’s been busy this week .. no drama no big conversation … it doesn’t mean ignore the comment but brief comment and move on .

I explained to D’s if Dad want to see you he has to get in touch and we focus on the people who want to stay in touch .

talking too much doesn’t let it fade

Is your DD having therapy to help her with what happened? It may be helpful for her to talk to someone who is experienced in helping young children who have experienced trauma.

What's the reason her Dad doesn't see her. Is it his choice or has contact been stopped either by you, Social services or the courts because of his failure to protect. What did his partner actually do?
Could he see her without the partner present?

Maybe it's time you eased off talking about him daily? I believe it was around this age when dd bought her dad up that I explained a bit more fully that dad was choosing to stay away otherwise she will get the impression I'm stopping it

Me too onlybin our case the OW is his Mom and Sister. So I understand completely. There is no bigger hurt then seeing your child hurt. Anyone who does not agree has never seen there child completely devastated. My DD's therapist compared it it holding a glass shard tighin your hand 24/7

My nieces drug addicted father died when she was 3 and the moment I heard I thought thank god. Awful but it was much easier than having him come in and out her life messing her about. He was never clean and never wanted to be. Threatened to abduct her more than once and imo groomed my 17 year old sister. He was 33. I'm not glad he died but I'm glad dn didn't have to go through a life with him in the background.

Yanbu

I agree with you, I feel the same. I feel so sad that I will never have an adult relationship with my dad, even worse for my little brother. I knew him but I knew him as a child knows an adult. I'd love the chance to talk to him, to understand him. It is a loss that will never heal.

Sorry to say but this was the best outcome for your niece

And never underestimate the life-long pain caused by a child by a parent who doesn't give a shit about them.

OP, I totally understand your rage towards anyone who hurt your child or who turned a blind eye in any way whatsoever.

Unfortunately, even if he died (no, I'm not wishing him dead...), it would still be you helping your dd navigate her grief and come to terms with how he and his partner treated her. I do get wishing that you could see some sort of end to it though.

It sounds like you're doing a great job supporting your dd, but I wonder if you have any support. Have you spoken to anyone about how this has and is affecting you?

I don’t understand why there is a thing about pretending that useless dads are decent. Seems like you’re gaslighting your kids.
can’t you empathise with them and say it’s him being flakey and nothing to do with the children.

I 100% sympathize with you as i have had these thoughts with my mentally abusive DS dad. We've been split for 15 years and he hasn't got better. DS is now 16 i thought he would get easier to deal with but he truly is a bottom of the barrel awful person

Sending a hug, hope it gets better for you and DD

What helped me was " some people are not good at being parents and can't give you what you deserve or need. It doesn't always make them bad people but there are people who are not worthy of you and you have to accept what they are capable of. There are people who are willing to learn and grow to be good parents or at least try and others who are not. Your dad does not. He is not capable of being a good father and that is him limitation and NOT your fault".

Age appropriate to the above.. but it helped me see that he is limited and that I'm not the problem. That's the main point. This is his problem and nothing she did or could have done to cause or deserve this and its ok to realise it's not good enough for you.

It is gaslighting to an extent but some truths can be very harmful. You cannot tell a child that their father chooses their abusive partner over them, surely.

My Dad's deadbeat dad did die. It was one of the biggest reliefs in my life, we no longer had to hide from him and I didn't have to worry about the damage he'd do to her emotionally if he managed to get in contact. It made it so unambiguous and black and white.

I get where you're coming from OP and I bet countless other women feel the same, whether they'd admit it or not.

Yeah I wish my kids dad was dead too. He's a horribly vile person who just goes around creating trauma for everyone he gets close to. They will never see him again so he might as well be dead, at least then we'd be safe from him.

I understand OP 💐

The people who don't understand why a bereavement would be easier are clearly from functional homes and surrounded with good relationships.