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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopped by old man

188 replies

Unsurehowtofeel · 18/10/2023 13:47

It's a strange one.

I was returning something in a supermarket today and as I walked in the alarms beeped. I was the only one walking in or out at the time so i knew it was me, but thought nothing of it and carried on to the customer service desk because A) I was walking in, not out and B) I didn't see or hear any security stopping me.

It's one of those supermarkets with automatic doors and a meter or so in is some electronic gates to enter the shop or to the left is open access for leaving. Customer service is also to the left.

Anyway, as I was making my way to customer services (walking against the traffic of people walking out) an old man and his wife blocked my way. I was confused. The man then held my trolly and started trying to turn it around towards a colleague stood behind on the other side of the doors (not customer services side) who in retrospect I think had tried to get my attention.

I have some social anxiety and at the time I was panicy thinking how can he (security) think I'm stealing when I'm walking in.

All security was asking in the end was whether the tag was still on it because he could remove it there for me.

Now I'm left feeling somewhat strange. The way an old man thought he could stop me from entering the shop and just his entitlement. Its made me feel all weird and icky. I dont know if it's because I didn't stick up for myself when I feel like I should have or whether it's because of his entitlement.

Just here to get it off my chest really 😂and any advice welcome for how to deal with men like that next time.

OP posts:
Wonkasworld · 19/10/2023 12:36

Well the OP certainly got what they wanted with us all quibbling over use of the word "old". 🙄

IvorTheEngineDriver · 19/10/2023 12:46

"Entitlement"? What "entitlement"? Strange choice of words.

Greenpolkadot · 19/10/2023 12:50

Didnt you say anything to him?

koalaknickers · 19/10/2023 12:54

Oh dear OP. You mentioned age. Also gender.

You should have said a human being and left it at that. No descriptors!

koalaknickers · 19/10/2023 12:54

I just love the word "busybody" 😁

florafaun · 19/10/2023 12:58

Wonkasworld · 19/10/2023 12:36

Well the OP certainly got what they wanted with us all quibbling over use of the word "old". 🙄

I'd be surprised if they returned. A fine way to treat someone who mentioned their social anxiety and panic in the OP.

Question whether mentioning the man's approximate age range had any relevance, after helping with the question she asked, fair enough. The combative posters who ignored the OP and waded in just to pull her up on mentioning an age range are just bullies.

Sayitaintso33 · 19/10/2023 13:49

florafaun · 19/10/2023 12:58

I'd be surprised if they returned. A fine way to treat someone who mentioned their social anxiety and panic in the OP.

Question whether mentioning the man's approximate age range had any relevance, after helping with the question she asked, fair enough. The combative posters who ignored the OP and waded in just to pull her up on mentioning an age range are just bullies.

Show quote history

Yes, I think they are bullies too.

And if they are old bullies they should know better, but sadly probably won't change - after all you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

If they are young bullies we can live in the hope they may grow out of it as they acquire the wisdom that sometimes comes with age.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 19/10/2023 14:53

OP. The old man engaged physically. You therefore have the right to defend yourself with a reasonable physical response. Next time give the trolly a good hard shove followed up with a verbal signal that his behaviour is inappropriate (e.g. a loud "No!").These people can't be reasoned with.

Wonkasworld · 19/10/2023 14:58

florafaun · 19/10/2023 12:58

I'd be surprised if they returned. A fine way to treat someone who mentioned their social anxiety and panic in the OP.

Question whether mentioning the man's approximate age range had any relevance, after helping with the question she asked, fair enough. The combative posters who ignored the OP and waded in just to pull her up on mentioning an age range are just bullies.

Show quote history

🙄

HazardLights · 19/10/2023 15:15

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 19/10/2023 09:06

"a man"
"a woman"
= Neutral, non judgemental language.
"An elderly man"
=Polite and non judgemental factual way of describing someone's age when age is relevant. Which man stopped you, OP? The elderly one over there, or the younger one over here?
"An old man" (repeated several times when completely irrelevant to the anecdote= ageist, judgemental and goady)

Language matters.

A woman blocked my trolley= fact
A fat woman blocked my trolley= offensive, irrelevant, judgemental
A black woman blocked my trolley...
An old woman blocked my trolley..

If that's too hard to understand, try describing your own children.

"X's daughter"
X's fat daughter"
X's thick daughter"
X's ugly daughter"

Which of these may be true, but are neutral and which are fucking offensive and irrelevant?

Show quote history

"X's daughter"
X's fat daughter"
X's thick daughter"
X's ugly daughter"

But these are all negative descriptors, ‘old’ isn’t negative. You are the one who, in this case, is equating the two. That’s not to say ageism isn’t a thing, I can certainly attest to the fact that it is, but it can also be a descriptor. Particularly in situations where the power differential is in place. Woman versus man, for example, young versus older.

HazardLights · 19/10/2023 15:17

florafaun · 19/10/2023 12:58

I'd be surprised if they returned. A fine way to treat someone who mentioned their social anxiety and panic in the OP.

Question whether mentioning the man's approximate age range had any relevance, after helping with the question she asked, fair enough. The combative posters who ignored the OP and waded in just to pull her up on mentioning an age range are just bullies.

Show quote history

100% agree. It’s ironic that the poster has been bullied so comprehensively, about the use of a benign descriptor. Including the inferences, that she “knew what she was doing.”

I’ve also made a point in my comments acknowledging the fact that I am actually older - and very aware of ageism. Because unfortunately, the people who have been bullying the OP in this thread are not giving us a good name. More irony!!

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 19/10/2023 19:12

@florafaun

The combative posters who ignored the OP and waded in just to pull her up on mentioning an age range are just bullies.

100% agree.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 19/10/2023 19:12

TurquoiseMermaid · 19/10/2023 10:13

Ignore the bullies with nothing better to do than go on Mumsnet to look for people to mass-attack because they have anger issues and derive pleasure giving strangers a good kicking. And for a forum where people continually whine about snowflakes being offended by everything, they sure are quick to play the "I'm so offended" card if someone doesn't word their posts in the very precise way they find acceptable.

It isn't ageist at all and his age is very relevant. An elderly man accosting you is clearly very different from a young man doing so.

If someone posted that that a strange man had physically accosted them, used his body to block her path, physically laid his hands on her possessions in an attempt to physically control her, every single post would be outraged on her behalf and calling it assault and misogyny.

It's clearly not acceptable for a man to physically accost a strange woman.

All of this. ^ Well said!

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