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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stopped by old man

188 replies

Unsurehowtofeel · 18/10/2023 13:47

It's a strange one.

I was returning something in a supermarket today and as I walked in the alarms beeped. I was the only one walking in or out at the time so i knew it was me, but thought nothing of it and carried on to the customer service desk because A) I was walking in, not out and B) I didn't see or hear any security stopping me.

It's one of those supermarkets with automatic doors and a meter or so in is some electronic gates to enter the shop or to the left is open access for leaving. Customer service is also to the left.

Anyway, as I was making my way to customer services (walking against the traffic of people walking out) an old man and his wife blocked my way. I was confused. The man then held my trolly and started trying to turn it around towards a colleague stood behind on the other side of the doors (not customer services side) who in retrospect I think had tried to get my attention.

I have some social anxiety and at the time I was panicy thinking how can he (security) think I'm stealing when I'm walking in.

All security was asking in the end was whether the tag was still on it because he could remove it there for me.

Now I'm left feeling somewhat strange. The way an old man thought he could stop me from entering the shop and just his entitlement. Its made me feel all weird and icky. I dont know if it's because I didn't stick up for myself when I feel like I should have or whether it's because of his entitlement.

Just here to get it off my chest really 😂and any advice welcome for how to deal with men like that next time.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 18/10/2023 16:08

HazardLights · 18/10/2023 15:49

Don’t worry about the age thing, OP. It’s a crime here to mention it. People asking in a faux naïve way, why you mentioned it, to imply you’re being horrifically ageist. I am assuming you were just describing the situation as it happened. It’s just part of the story. It’s like saying whether it was a man or a woman, the set up of the shop, etc. You haven’t done anything intrinsically wrong or become a bad person by mentioning it.

And also, yes, that would have made me feel icky too. Sorry that happened and that now you’re also getting shamed for your description of it!

It's not faux naive.

She didn't need to put age at the centre of the thread title.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 18/10/2023 16:10

He heard the siren and saw the security guard waving her over

Maybe she had turned around to try and pretend it wasn't her

Maybe she was going to hide and remove the tag

Maybe she was well known to security there

All he heard was the alarm and saw a woman ignoring security trying to stop her.

Perfectly reasonable to assume she was up to no good.

BurnToastAgain · 18/10/2023 16:10

You seem to have an overdeveloped sense of drama 🎭 Would you have preferred a muscular, young man to have caressed your trolley? Let it go. You’ll be happier not ruminating on it and there’s no need to formulate a plan for the next occurrence.

BIWI · 18/10/2023 16:10

@newamsterdam

You don't know whether his ages is relevant to the story

And neither does anyone else, as the OP didn't give any reason for specifying that it was an old man.

Therefore, with no reason, it's an unnecessary - and ageist - piece of information.

Oh, and calling posters names is against Talk Guidelines too.

Mercurial123 · 18/10/2023 16:12

YANBU or ageist. You stated a fact on his age but made no judgement. It was also none of his business.

I was once stopped walking into Zara as the alarm went off. The security guard thought I was a shop lifter. Boots hadn't deactivated a security sticker on some make up I purchased.

newamsterdam · 18/10/2023 16:14

BIWI · 18/10/2023 16:10

@newamsterdam

You don't know whether his ages is relevant to the story

And neither does anyone else, as the OP didn't give any reason for specifying that it was an old man.

Therefore, with no reason, it's an unnecessary - and ageist - piece of information.

Oh, and calling posters names is against Talk Guidelines too.

No it isn't. Thats not how communication works. YOU don't decide what I can include in my speech. I might tell you that an old red car hit me, its not up to you to start screeching that its not relevant that the car was red or old.
I choose what to say, and I can use whatever descriptors that I like.

It's highly likley that the age of the man was relevant to the OP. It's not for you to decide that shes incorrect.

GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 16:16

I am normally 100% in the "I hate men and their sense of entitlement" camp. BUT... I'm also in the "as a society we should all be making more effort to look out for each other etc and I hate it when, for example, someone is being bullied on a train and the rest of us just stand there" camp.

So I see both sides - on the one hand, it really wasn't up to him. On the other, if he thought you were purposefully ignoring staff and/or trying to get away with something, its' not abad thing for him to have stepped in.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 18/10/2023 16:17

Somethingsnappy · 18/10/2023 13:59

I read this and just knew people would pounce on the age thing. It is relevant, because as a pp said, it may affect the context. A young man physically stopping you may cause a different reaction to an old man, who may seem like less of a threat. The op is asking if they are being unreasonable, so these things add details that may be needed.

I agree. People are ridiculous when it comes to context, and describing a person and their approximate age does matter in many situations.

Iamgrootyesiam · 18/10/2023 16:19

plumtreebroke · 18/10/2023 14:11

He just realised you hadn't seen security wanted you to stop so was pointing it out. Nothing too sinister.

That’s what I took from it too

Redmat · 18/10/2023 16:19

What tag if you were going in? I don't understand!

Redmat · 18/10/2023 16:20

Was it on the returning item?

ilovesooty · 18/10/2023 16:24

newamsterdam · 18/10/2023 16:14

No it isn't. Thats not how communication works. YOU don't decide what I can include in my speech. I might tell you that an old red car hit me, its not up to you to start screeching that its not relevant that the car was red or old.
I choose what to say, and I can use whatever descriptors that I like.

It's highly likley that the age of the man was relevant to the OP. It's not for you to decide that shes incorrect.

Show quote history

Evidently MNHQ didn't agree with you. I assume your post was deleted as a personal attack.

Annoyingfly · 18/10/2023 16:27

curtaintwitcher78 · 18/10/2023 13:51

It gives a clearer mental picture. I'm thinking Lance Corporal Jones from Dad's Army.

Show quote history

It allows op and everyone else to post ageist, paranoid shite.

DogInATent · 18/10/2023 16:27

It's the latest government policy. I shit you not.

"If you see a shoplifter, arrest them yourself" - this was said Chris Philp, the Minister for Crime, Policing and Fire just two weeks ago.

JMSA · 18/10/2023 16:35

He sounds like an annoying old pain in the arse.
I'm sure his medal from Tesco will be in the post 🙄
I honestly wouldn't worry about it, OP, but I can understand why you'd feel a bit shaken up by it.

HazardLights · 18/10/2023 16:35

Wonkasworld · 18/10/2023 15:53

Yes because describing an incident with a black woman, for example, would be treated differently.

Show quote history

Yes of course you said that. No, that wouldn’t be the same. There are power differentials between men and women, and, descriptions aside, age can play into that. If a black woman described a white woman in that situation then it would potentially be reasonable. I am older myself, yes, ageism is a massive issue that impacts me. But that’s not what this is.

Ruth98 · 18/10/2023 16:35

Age is irrelevant and makes your entire post not worth listening to. (Posted before finished here) your point about being stopped by someone for no reason i get. I would be angry about that. But to mention that it was an old person who stopped you seems to suggest you think they have less right to stop you than anyone else

Iwasafool · 18/10/2023 16:43

Maybe he was just rather clumsily trying to point out the staff member who was trying to attract your attention?

ilovesooty · 18/10/2023 16:43

Ruth98 · 18/10/2023 16:35

Age is irrelevant and makes your entire post not worth listening to. (Posted before finished here) your point about being stopped by someone for no reason i get. I would be angry about that. But to mention that it was an old person who stopped you seems to suggest you think they have less right to stop you than anyone else

Edited

And it's invited comments like "annoying old fool" and "annoying old pain in the arse".

Wonkasworld · 18/10/2023 16:43

HazardLights · 18/10/2023 16:35

Yes of course you said that. No, that wouldn’t be the same. There are power differentials between men and women, and, descriptions aside, age can play into that. If a black woman described a white woman in that situation then it would potentially be reasonable. I am older myself, yes, ageism is a massive issue that impacts me. But that’s not what this is.

Show quote history

Oh please.!

PaminaMozart · 18/10/2023 16:45

I have some social anxiety and at the time I was panicy ....... Just here to get it off my chest really 😂and any advice welcome for how to deal with men like that...

It looks like you may have issues with self esteem and boundaries? A couple of book suggestions:

  • The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Barden
  • Boundaries by Henry Cloud.
Maireas · 18/10/2023 16:45

Admit it. You were caught shoplifting and were embarrassed that someone with a sense of civic duty intervened.
You referred to him as "old" just to get folks on your side because of the ageism on here. Was it HP sauce and a Ginsters pasty? I think I saw you try that in our local Aldi.

LocalHobo · 18/10/2023 16:49

It's highly likley that the age of the man was relevant to the OP. It's not for you to decide that shes incorrect.

Exactly; and this is all the information I need to decide this wrinkly, bus pass user needs removing from areas where younger folk may be distressed by his very existence, let alone him trying to communicate with them!

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 18/10/2023 16:49

curtaintwitcher78 · 18/10/2023 13:51

It gives a clearer mental picture. I'm thinking Lance Corporal Jones from Dad's Army.

Show quote history

😂I agree. it's good to have a picture in your head to go with the story.

newamsterdam · 18/10/2023 16:49

ilovesooty · 18/10/2023 16:24

Evidently MNHQ didn't agree with you. I assume your post was deleted as a personal attack.

Show quote history

I assume it was a mistake as there was nothing vaguely objectionable in my post.

There is nothing ageist in the OP, and anyone who thinks there is does not understand the word ageism.

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