Those cool, messy, usually wealthy mums

[Shessodowntoearth]

I want to be one 😅
Does anyone know the type?
Usually quite a few kids, at least two, kids are lovely, but generally quite messy/put together in a kooky way.
Houses are beautiful, but messy/disorganised, beautiful pieces everywhere/decoration but with a lived in/messy vibe. The mums are the same, usually seem quite disorganised but chilled out at the same time, generally away somewhere every school holidays and don’t work.
I know quite a few mums like this near me and wonder what this life is like, mainly the having more money. I’d love to be as laid back if people come around, to not care about the mess as the house is so incredible, to not worry if my kids clothes look scruffy in a cool way and to be comfortable in myself. Is this what happens when you come from money?

I hate this look/vibe, whatever. It's just money and not giving a shitness. It's rich people pretending not to be rich. Oh what this old thing! I'm just so chilled and you're so uptight! Oh the cleaner comes on Thursday and the gardener was here yesterday. But me? I'm just so, so relaxed!!

I agree with @Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday, there's no risk, they can do what they like because they are wealthy and they've always been wealthy.

There's a posh family who live near me....very into the environment, green types. A cargo bike which costs more than my actual car! Their children look like Victorian urchins... barefoot, unbrushed hair in mismatched, ill fitting clothing. If they were called Jayden and Paige, mum was a single parent and they lived in temporary housing, they'd probably be reported to ss by now.

We have business acquaintances who live exactly like this. When their (exactly as you describe) house was first refurbished it appeared in one of those glossy house magazines. It was a really cool fusion of huge Victorian semi with an equally huge architectural glass box on the back. But in reality it is such a tip. There is junk and piles of stuff everywhere. There was an actual saddle dumped in the downstairs loo for weeks on end, just why? The bathrooms need a deep steam clean and everywhere is thick with dust. Their four children are at a private primary school but dress like they're refugees and their personal hygiene isn't great.

What is fascinating is that this couple grew up in very similar circumstances to me, with lower middle class tendencies like keeping a clean and tidy house. Smart school uniform and polished shoes. But they've climbed the social ladder and now very carefully emulate the lifestyle of their posh friends to the point where it looks very try hard and contrived.

I have friends like this (they don't have cleaners) and while I don't in any way come from money nor am a SAHM with unlimited disposable income, I have similar attitude. I try to fill our lives with important things and not sweat the small stuff. We have time to exercise, prefer going for a Sunday breakfast over cleaning and kiddo is happier spending time doing something fun over being nagged about socks on the floor of her room. Our house isn't a complete tip but it's not a showroom either. A quick 30 min wipe down and hoover once a week (as well as everyone putting their shit away) is all we commit to.
I appreciate that despite modest incomes we are still far more privileged than most so this attitude is partially choice to prioritise the important stuff (family time, culture, keeping fit and active) and partially the ability to afford to do so. I grew up in absolute poverty and our house was always immaculate. I still didn't have a particularly happy childhood as we did nothing fun as a family (except a few theatre trips a year when times were better financially).

@Hiphopopotamonster I think had it spot on.

All the money in world wouldn’t allow me to live this lifestyle, and be accepted in the same way as someone educated and middle class.

This is so true. Look at parents like Keith Allen, Bob Geldof and Paula Yates etc. They were always viewed as 'cool, laid back, free spirit' kind of parents but if a regular person had that kind of lifestyle, the social services would remove their kids. Kerry Katona is probably no worse of a mother than a lot of these trendy London types but she's not from money and she comes across as a chav so when she has a few lines or gets pissed in front of the kid's, it's not 'cool' it's just scummy..

I would say this type of family are from money and are usually asset rich rather than cash rich.

Yes I know lots of people exactly like this. Have known all my life. Maybe the area I live in.

generally speaking the laid back attitude is far easier to have when you don’t have a mortgage or rent or bills to stress about. And one of my friends who is a very wealthy lovely person. House is fabulous (artist) I actually found out that she has a little help. She doesn’t have to work and she has a housekeeper. Having Staff helps. Whatever she needs done there’s someone to do it. Not a criticism at all. This is my friend’s culture and she’s a wonderful person.

I don't personally know anyone like this, I have to say. The one wealthier family we know who would sort of fit this bill, big house, SAHM, range rovers, holidays every half term, away in London many weekends, have a lovely tidy house and lovely clean, tidy children.

We have a big house and probably look quite wealthy to people if you look at our house and our lifestyle. Our kids are messy and our house and garden is not tidy. That's not because we are cool and relaxed about mess though. It's because we're both run off our feet with work and life admin that everything looks like shit. The kids wear holey trousers and I don't brush their hair often enough because I just cannot manage one more thing and something has to give.

Scruffy, messy house, greasy hair, late all the time, daytime drinking.. If the working classes behaved this way their children would be taken away. I don't think there's any excuse for having children living in a dusty mess or looking dishevelled, irrespective of how much money you have.

I mean it's a bit like drinking....I know plenty of well off people who are probably functioning alcoholics...but they have lovely homes and are drinking expensive wine and whiskey. No one judges them. If they were in a council flat drinking special brew or cheap cider, they're viewed completely differently.

Do you manage to brush your own hair?

Well, I'm like this I guess, minus the stylish. I don't do style.

The honest truth is that we are happy this way, being relaxed about the kids doing what they want means that there is mess and they look a mess, but they are happy and that makes us happy.

Nothing else is important to us. What others think is less than unimportant.

Sharing photos of their 'scruffy' free spirited kids (weird how being free spirited always means they've chosen to wear tutu, wellies and Christmas jumper in trip to park in March).

This sounds familiar. Half dressing up, with wellies. I must say I was impressed by one who managed to make pulling uniforms out of an unwashed/unironed pile on a Monday morning sound like jollity. The cushion of money and husband's good job to enable them to do this. A poor, working class family would find themselves reported, as pps have said.

In my experience the 'posh' mothers were more likely to be sharing photos of their children in the woods dressed to perfection in Smafolk, Bobo, or party dressés, and wellies. No worry about whether the clothes would be ruined, I liked that, even if it was part of their social media blogging. They usually attend Steiner-type schools initially.

It’s a middle/upper class privilege. You can have your kids and house looking scruffy and messy when you’re not having to already battle against stereotypes that low income/working class families face. You can have your kids run around barefoot and not pristine clean when you’re not worried about having to prove anything to the school/social services/neighbours and have to very obviously show your kids are well cared for
I agree with this overall, but I'm not sure it's all about money in itself, because I know a lot of fairly average families who have what I'd call normal homes that probably tick some of the boxes from this thread.

The houses are overall clean, but they get messy and cluttered and people don't refuse to open the door because the front room looks like kids have been building a den and there isn't the Mumsnet panic of being 20 minutes away from guest ready at all times. The kids wear whatever is comfortable and practical for play, rather than being immaculately presented. I wouldn't say they're scruffy or disorganised. They're just living life.

I sometimes wonder if people confuse a bit of clutter and a parent who thinks life's too short to coordinate their children's socks with living in total filth and chaos. The former doesn't matter regardless of income. The latter is a problem regardless of income.

Yes, they're in the chaotic, muddy and vast boot room.

I think there was a character like this in Gill Hornby’s The Hive, beautiful, thin, wealthy, multiple children, kooky, everyone liked her. Had a gorgeous messy house, forgot she’d invited all the school mums for lunch but produced something delicious from her disorganised homely kitchen (with aga) whilst being completely charming and unfazed. I read it and thought yeah right but interesting to hear there are people like that out there.

I must say I was impressed by one who managed to make pulling uniforms out of an unwashed/unironed pile on a Monday morning sound like jollity.*
*
I grew up in a house like this. Has left me with anxiety and ocd. If you're not working, what are^^ you doing that means you can't organise the basics?

Many at our school in London. Always have a nanny or au pair even if they have just one child. They don't work. Dad is mega rich/high earning. Parents always saying they are exhausted but I'm surprised as they have all their help. Houses a bit scruffy but big and in London.

I wish I met someone rich!! (I'm a solo parent who earns well)

they don't care what people think.

That's the secret.

If YOU don't care what people think, others will be admiring you too.

So in a messy/disorganised house with multiple children you always know where every gym shoe?

No, they don't when they're all disordered and mixed up! The same applies to mixed piles of unironed clothes they dress from. I imagine that's why they're always late and dishevelled.

The whole kooky bohemian vibe must be a complete illusion then.

I think mostly it is. I can only see the chaos and stress behind the scenes with these families.

Hebden Bridge is chock a block with them. I found them quite adorable until lockdown when the oblivious and frankly offensive social media posting showed just how little understanding they have of regular peoples lives.

They sound like an older version of the type of girl I knew at university/in my twenties. Messy personal life, late course work, vaguely arty/cultural jobs on graduation, deeply involved in music festivals or left wing/protest politics, often live ina squat or unusual building conversion somewhere trendy in London or by the sea.

Suddenly and inexplicably they seem to get their lives together in their late twenties/early thirties and marry someone rich/buy a house/get a "big job" and you realise that there is a shit load of family money and connections underwriting this bohemian/carefree life.

I grew up around families like this. Grew up in a town where most people are like this. I'm very ambivalent about it.

The "coolness" does have a positive element in that it's partly about women with means saying "fuck you" to the requirement to be a constant housekeeper and constantly scurrying around worrying about the neighbours think. I like the fact that families like this don't live in show homes and don't overthink ridiculously trivial things like whether or not their knives match. That frees up a lot of headspace for more important stuff.

It also has a dark side as well: mainly that most of this "messy/boho" thing is an elaborate set of social codes which says "I don't need money as much as you do so it doesn't matter if my children's shoes don't match and you're a bit common if you do." There's a lot of unpleasant stealth snobbery about this which I still struggle with. It's the kind of thing you could only know if you'd grown up with it.

To be honest it still makes me cringe a bit being around people like this. They think no one outside understands their codes.

There’s a lot round here, but I find many can be right knobs to hang out with or navigate play dates with. Not being judgemental like 😏
Many tend to be sooooo self absorbed and unable to comprehend the financial pressures others face and don’t care at all how their actions impact your kids. If for example little Enzo decides he doesn’t like your child they’ll stand there as he insults them then facilitate social exclusion just because Enzo took a whim to.
I’m not bitter so much, but wary 5 kids in.