Those cool, messy, usually wealthy mums

[Shessodowntoearth]

I want to be one 😅
Does anyone know the type?
Usually quite a few kids, at least two, kids are lovely, but generally quite messy/put together in a kooky way.
Houses are beautiful, but messy/disorganised, beautiful pieces everywhere/decoration but with a lived in/messy vibe. The mums are the same, usually seem quite disorganised but chilled out at the same time, generally away somewhere every school holidays and don’t work.
I know quite a few mums like this near me and wonder what this life is like, mainly the having more money. I’d love to be as laid back if people come around, to not care about the mess as the house is so incredible, to not worry if my kids clothes look scruffy in a cool way and to be comfortable in myself. Is this what happens when you come from money?

@Tiddlywinkly im currently looking for a house in south Manchester. What’s the wrong end of chorlton??

GiraffeInABath
Carrie Johnson sums this up for me, if you check her Instagram. Personally, I love it!

I disagree that she sums this up! Everything appears perfect, and they're neat as pins, and she appears to have time to exercise and be perfectly coiffed. They must have help?

The scruffiness is a massive privilege thing. I was once given a bag of hand me downs by wealthy neighbours with older children. Honestly there was not an item in there that didn't have a stain or a tear. I love hand me downs, come from a not dissimilar background and my kids were not pristine, but even for me the obvious expectation that no one would judge them by what their kids wore because they are so very clever was a bit of a shock.

we went to see a house once , sadly being sold because the couple were splitting up so it was going to go to auction for really really cheap (found out afterwards it went for half a million more than their asking price!!) In the (walk in) wardrobe louboutins and amazing bags (I actually felt like I was prying and walked straight out), around the house horse riding gear, big family portraits etc etc. hot press full of white towels- I said to dh this place isn’t for people like us and he said he was thinking the same thing. I actually saw her a few years later and they were exactly how you described, looked like the loveliest family but obviously had the split thing so you never know what goes on etc etc

Yes, I was going to say this. We are both from very poor backgrounds, but have lots of degrees and professional jobs, a child who specialises in looking like he's just been dragged through a hedge backwards, and a big, crumbling old house that looks like what the OP describes -- messy, lived-in, mix of different furniture period, some beautiful things and some pulled out of a skip etc.

But it has nothing to do with money or social class, or being a SAHM.

I work FT and the only time I encounter women having hysterics about their house being 'visitor-ready', is on Mn. I am a confident person and reasonably comfortable, generally, but also, I'm just not bothered about tidiness. I genuinely don't understand the posts on here where posters pride themselves no 'not sitting down' until 10 pm and the house is spotless, or claim to be unable to relax unless their environment is tidy.

This sounds just like my house. I had no idea it was a thing.

Sounds like Amanda from Motherland….who in reality was a bitch whose marriage broke down after attempting a 3 some with a squaddie. You don’t know what is going on behind closed doors!

Note: I know it’s not real…..

I find this thread a bit strange - as in a strange thing to aspire to. I know the sort of mum and children you’re talking about very well as there are a few in my street alone. But I can’t help but think if I left my child in bobbly, worn cardigans with matted curly hair, I’d be seen as a bit neglectful with my very working class accent. My mum would be horrified if my little one looked like this.

I think this corroborates what a lot of people are saying. That it’s mostly to do with a) being comfortable with yourself vs paranoid about other people’s perceptions and b) being thoughtful about what you prioritise

Much easier to do if you arent concerned about money or have been very well educated. But not exclusive to people that are.

No. She was not that type. Her house was pristine. Her kids and her were well put together and she drove a Mercedes 4x4.

Like Julia in Motherland !

I know several of these. Without exception, none of them work or need to.

I agree with there being a slight air of inverted snobbery to an extent- are people not catching themselves saying ‘but I work’ or ‘but I don’t have a cleaner’- how do we know the people being described don’t work and still have help?

I recognise this "type" from when I went to boarding school for my A Levels - when I went back to friends' houses they were like these - stunning house, a bit messy, whole family effortlessly glamorous wearing clothes I could only dream of owning but caring not a jot if when they took them off they dropped them on the floor. Smoked salmon and real OJ in the fridge, tennis courts in the garden, polo at weekends.

A different world to the one I lived in.

I don’t know how much clearer a demonstration of ‘caring what everyone else thinks’ you could make than posting this on the internet tbh.

Amanda in Motherland was obsessed with showing off.

Literally the opposite of these people who don't give a hoot what other people think.

If someone is so obsessed by what will people think, doesn't it just mean they are horribly nosey and judgmental themselves, and spend so long bitching behind everyone back, they can't comprehend not everybody is the same?

It's not that others can get away with things because they have money, more than these others are not so jealous.

God no. I'd hate to live/be like that, it's my nightmare.

Had two friends in my teens, they were sisters. Their parents were 'actual' boho, dad was a sculptor, mom a painter/artist, both reasonably successful, so had money. Their DDs were both lovely, but god how I hated their parents. That dozy-whimsy-oh so spiritual boho vibe, 'we're simply to artsy/deep-in-thought to care about such mundane stuff as clean clothes or nutrition' (with a 'we're better/more spiritual/more intellectual' undertone). Both parents (naturally, they're ARTISTS after all) survived on coffee/red vine/cigarettes and other substances. Their daughters were always late, always unkempt, disheveled, old way past their best clothes, unbrushed hair, a bit smelly sometimes. Wherever they went they were never on time, never had the correct amount of money/kit/equipment. And no, they didn't love it, they were embarrassed.

Their dad was always drunk and in his studio doing his thing, mom was away with the fairies, paint splashed everywhere burning incense like there's no tomorrow, and children were fending for themselves doing whatever the hell they wanted. They had no money worries, large boho-house with land, but no one admired them. Well teenagers did, as the kids could do whatever, but adults pitied them. The overwhelming thought looking at their parents always been 'FFS, get your shit together for once' for me.

Much prefer my own upbringing. Also plenty of money, dad's a businessman, mum's a sahm, no financial worries ever, large always clean home (hired help) and land around, nicely decorated (hate shabby-chic/cottage-core, old, smely, shabby crap-ness), all the clothes/shoes/equipment bought and in their places, no mess, no clutter, organized. No 'whimsy' (urgh).

Amen, me too!

My ex was from a family like this, unkempt, clever, monied through generations, well educated, dabbling in art and never having a job for a long time. I think this is what attracted me to him at first, the carelessness of what anyone thinks and owning your quirkiness, it was miles away from my middle class upbringing.

Through years that really became a problem - he thought me common wanting to clean the house, do the repairs, notice where tupperware is gone, notice that kids' nails or hair needed cutting. I was running myself ragged trying to keep on top of family and the house, while working hard on my career, and I felt not only unappreciated but looked down on. He would never use the word common of course as that would be against his left leanings but this pretence of being poor while having the privilege of money, never having to work for your pension, never having to look after things was an arrogance that made me leave him at the end.

I've had this argument with my crackhead brother all the time. "Oh the rich can snort cocaine and get away with it"

And it comes down to this.

When wealthy people indulge in addictions they are generally not taking away from their children. Their children still eat. Still get clothed and live normal lives. If they are super rich, they have nannies to raise them and take them to school.

When someone who hasn't got spare cash decides to spend the weekly salary on drugs, the kids suffer, the household suffers. Parents on come downs have no efforts to raise their children properly or care about education. Children have scruffy clothes because of their parents choices.

And that's the difference.

Life isn't fair and I don't agree with any of it but matter of fact, wealthy families can get away with stuff more because their children don't suffer because of it.

@MiddleParking not at all, I'm just completely hacked off with the MN attitude of there's no excuse for not cleaning for 8 hours a day every day and one speck of dust means child abuse. Horses for courses and all that!

Sounds all very Jilly Cooper to me.

I don’t especially judge it and absolutely agree with the pp that explained it’s MC/UC privilege when you aren’t having to battle against stereotypes. Probably veered towards it myself and always wondered why lots of my friends houses were so immaculate. I couldn’t give a stuff if there is dust at a mum friend’s house and definitely wouldn’t turn down a glass of wine offered there. It’s just not really on my radar to look at other peoples mess and tut at it.

Also totally agree with poster that said you never know what’s going on in peoples lives. For this reason I’ve never wished for someone else’s life.

Comparison really is the thief of joy.

@MrsGalloway

I felt, especially, when my DC were little and I was poorer and more insecure than I am now, under huge pressure to make sure the house was clean, clothes clean and ironed, that they had all the right stuff at school and nursery etc. I agree there is a certain freedom to that kind of coolness especially for women but I can also see the other side of the coin because it is only really socially acceptable if you have money (and possibly are also thin!)

Exactly. There's a dishonesty about the mindset that says "I don't give a shit what my kids' clothes look like". The subtext is "because I'm rich enough that I know no one will judge me for it."

It's a luxury to be able to not give a shit what your kids' clothes look like. If you live in Hampstead or Cambridge North Oxford and are comfortably off you have that luxury. In other communities you don't.

There was a woman in the town I grew up in who lived in a huge, six bedroom mansion which (even then in the late 1980s) was probably worth several million quid. Parents both had great jobs: one was an academic, the other an author. The mum had a sign in her kitchen saying "Fuck Housework". It made me cringe so much when I saw it.

It's a way of saying "I'm rich/authoritative/intellectual enough that I don't have to worry about these petty bourgeois concerns".

I don't want my life to revolve around housework either. But that blatant dismissal of people who have to deal in a more direct way with the concerns of day to day life is, I think, tone deaf in the extreme.

I'll never really make peace with this sort of boho class signalling, even though I basically agree with a lot of the principles that many of these people have, because I think the lack of self-awareness is embarrassing.

I know the types you mean. They would be encouraging you to 'enjoy the moment' and 'focus on the little things and go slow' with kids... but most of us don't have time for that as they don't have cleaners etc to help ! Definetly privileged!!