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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about my children taken to play dates without me knowing?

109 replies

teoma · 17/10/2023 19:15

Hi, please don’t judge but I really don’t know whether I’m being over dramatic. Our nanny took the children out for a gym class. Turned out it was overbooked and they had to go to the local park instead where she met her brother (he’s our neighbour). They took the kids back to his for a play date with his toddler who’s a bit younger than my children. I only learned about the change in plans when I texted to ask how they’re doing. I trust her, but I think parents should be asked before taking the children to other people’s homes. AIBU?

OP posts:

LilyThePinksDealer · 17/10/2023 19:18

Do you want a message every time plans alter? If so crack on but it get grumpy if the kids can't do something because you haven't responded

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/10/2023 19:19

Never had a nanny so no idea what the expectations are- what did you agree when they started? Do you want constant updates or is it run your day as you please?
tbh given that it’s family to ask you would you have been able to say no?

Lollyloup89 · 17/10/2023 19:19

This is tricky because I'm sure your nanny would've asked you if it had been someone else, in fact she probably wouldn't take them to someone else's, it was the fact you knew the person that she didn't ask.
But I totally understand that you should've probably been asked first because that's more like a family type thing to do than a nanny thing to do.
I would just tell her next time you'd like to know just in case you didn't know the person.
Sorry it's a tricky one x

SwiftieGrainger · 17/10/2023 19:20

Yanbu at ALL I'd hate this!

Lollyloup89 · 17/10/2023 19:20

And the replies above are so unhelpful given that these people would be outraged if it happened to their kids.

Maybe some people might be a little green eyed that the OP can afford a nanny maybe...?

Original poster

teoma · 17/10/2023 19:23

I’d like to be asked if the children go to people I don’t know well. I don’t mind her arranging play dates otherwise.
She has lots of freedom and I’ve given her green light to invite other children and nanny friends over for coffee and play time.

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/10/2023 19:23

Lollyloup89 · 17/10/2023 19:20

And the replies above are so unhelpful given that these people would be outraged if it happened to their kids.

Maybe some people might be a little green eyed that the OP can afford a nanny maybe...?

Lmao- sorry what?! Jealous of a nanny - literally don’t care about anyone else’s childcare arrangements and cannot fathom you assuming anyone on here does

Original poster

teoma · 17/10/2023 19:38

Nothing to be jealous of - I’m just trying to see if my reaction is too strong.

OP posts:

margotrose · 17/10/2023 19:39

Lollyloup89 · 17/10/2023 19:20

And the replies above are so unhelpful given that these people would be outraged if it happened to their kids.

Maybe some people might be a little green eyed that the OP can afford a nanny maybe...?

What is there to be outraged about? Either OP trusts the nanny or she doesn't.

Kitkat1523 · 17/10/2023 19:40

Lollyloup89 · 17/10/2023 19:20

And the replies above are so unhelpful given that these people would be outraged if it happened to their kids.

Maybe some people might be a little green eyed that the OP can afford a nanny maybe...?

🙄

Conkersinautumn · 17/10/2023 19:40

Generally, yes, I'd expect to know if my children were going into someone's home. It's a very unusual situation to have a nanny who is related to your neighbour, perhaps that has led to it feeling less formal?

OurfriendsintheNE · 17/10/2023 19:42

I wouldn’t be happy with that either OP.

terriblyangryattimes · 17/10/2023 19:42

Would not get worked up about this. Would be happy your nanny had thought on her feet and found them a free alternative to the planned class, that presumably they were happy with? Playing with another kid with all their different toys - sounds ace.

Soontobe60 · 17/10/2023 19:42

Well now she’s introduced them to your neighbour and his child, they’ll have some more friends to play with!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/10/2023 19:43

Wouldn't they have been disappointed had they just been brought home? She was proactive in finding something fun for them to do that meant they were still out of the house and engaging with other children.

I think if you trust her, you have to trust her to make decisions like that minor ones.

PollyPeep · 17/10/2023 19:43

Actually yes I would be annoyed and worried. This is the reason we never used a childminder. I don't like the fact that your baby or young child could be in anyone's house with people you don't know. I feel nursery is more regulated and they don't let random adults into the property.

WhateverMate · 17/10/2023 19:45

Lollyloup89 · 17/10/2023 19:20

And the replies above are so unhelpful given that these people would be outraged if it happened to their kids.

Maybe some people might be a little green eyed that the OP can afford a nanny maybe...?

I agree there are some unhelpful replies.

But your 'green eyed monster' comment is assuming those posters can't afford a nanny or that they'd actually want one.

Not everyone wants a nanny, do they?

Spacecowboys · 17/10/2023 19:45

I wouldn’t have left my children with someone whose judgement I didn’t trust. You either trust your nanny or you don’t . Yabu.

HangingStars · 17/10/2023 19:47

My childminder took my toddler to another childminders house after they bumped into eachother in the park. I sort of know the other childminder (enough to say hello to only), and know other parents who’s kids go to her. I was absolutely fine with it as I kind of know her, and by reputation know she is trustworthy. If it was a complete stranger I may have been annoyed, but this was your neighbour who you presumably know, so I wouldn’t be upset about it. Unless you actively wouldn’t approve of your child going there.

Lavender14 · 17/10/2023 19:48

I think you need to agree boundaries with your nanny if this has raised issues for you. I'm guessing that what you feel strange about is that normally you'd vet the people who's home you're taking your children to using your gut instincts about them and you're having to rely on someone else to do that vetting part for you? Plus I would like to still know where my child is during the day even if I can't physically be with them. For example if nursery do a trip I would want to know. I guess you could suggest she updates you if their plans for the day change so you know where the kids are and that gives you the opportunity to say actually I'm not comfortable with x if something comes up without her having to ask permission to take them out every time? Or you prefer for people to be invited to your home than your dc be brought to other peoples homes if you dont know them?

TheCunctator · 17/10/2023 19:49

Spacecowboys · 17/10/2023 19:45

I wouldn’t have left my children with someone whose judgement I didn’t trust. You either trust your nanny or you don’t . Yabu.

This, absolutely.

I have been friends with several nannies of my children's classmates over the years, and I would have (and did) trusted any of them with my children.

If you can't look after your own children, then you have to be 100% happy with the person who's doing it. Is it a case of you not trusting this particular nanny, or not trusting any nanny? If the former, you need a different nanny. If the latter, you need a complete re-think.

TheCunctator · 17/10/2023 19:51

Also... why do you specify that your nanny can have "nanny friends" at your house? Is she not allowed to have other parents there? I have many happy memories of times spent with nannies when my children were small. Being a nanny doesn't put someone in a special 'only allowed to speak to other nannies' category.

Londonscallingme · 17/10/2023 19:52

This wouldn’t bother me at all, as long as the nanny was present at all times, I’d trust her to decide who’s house she was going to. I wouldn’t expect to be asked in advance.

BeckhamSeven · 17/10/2023 19:54

Spacecowboys · 17/10/2023 19:45

I wouldn’t have left my children with someone whose judgement I didn’t trust. You either trust your nanny or you don’t . Yabu.

I think this ^ (speaking as a former nanny)

Isthisexpected · 17/10/2023 19:56

Wouldn't have liked this either no.

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