Page 3 | To worry about my children taken to play dates without me knowing?

Jewelspun · 17/10/2023 21:41

I think if you believe your children go be at a specific location at a set time then you should be notified of a change of plans.

For example of the gym went up in smoke you would be beside yourself thinking your children may be suffering whereas they were blissfully playing elsewhere.

That is all I would ask.

Mumof2teens79 · 17/10/2023 21:45

She didn't leave them there, if you trust her and she was with them, what difference does it make if you knew?

newYear10 · 17/10/2023 22:27

I wouldn't be happy either. My nanny wouldn't even dream of doing this without checking with us first. In fact she is so protective of my dc, sometimes even more than me. Op doesn't know the brother or his home setup,

AutumnNanny · 17/10/2023 22:50

@teoma you're entitled to feel how you feel & set whatever rules you want to.

however, you need to let her know what those rules are, not expect her to be a mind reader.

these threads really show why some posters find it difficult to find a good nanny & retain them.

there's no way I'd work for all of these micro managers. Trust me with your child/children or don't...

margegunderson · 17/10/2023 22:59

We also had a nanny for our kids, for @15 years. Got my first mobile when I went back to work after DC1 so we had texts about what was happening but probably not as you'd expect now. You have to trust your nanny - she's at her own brother's for goodness sake. Not the local crack den. I think she'd be very hurt that you're basically saying you don't trust her close family.
Having a nanny ain't for everyone though. We had lots of shares - many didn't last because the other family wanted to micromanage what happened - and you can't. Things happen, plans change.

JustAMinutePleass · 17/10/2023 23:02

I would be furious. Give her a final written warning saying she is to get approval in advance for all playdates.

Mariposista · 17/10/2023 23:15

Personally I am far too busy at work to be hanging off a phone every time the nanny wants to do her job and use her brain. She is in charge until work ends, unless there is an emergency.

ToadOnTheHill · 17/10/2023 23:21

Yabu if you're actually just worried that her brother might be a sex predator because he is a man.

You either trust someone and their decision with your child or you don't.

caban · 17/10/2023 23:31

Sounds like what she did was absolutely fine and normal, but if you would prefer a text in future then that is ok too.

Chickychoccyegg · 17/10/2023 23:45

JustAMinutePleass · 17/10/2023 23:02

I would be furious. Give her a final written warning saying she is to get approval in advance for all playdates.

This would be absolutely ridiculous

UsingChangeofName · 18/10/2023 00:19

JustAMinutePleass · 17/10/2023 23:02

I would be furious. Give her a final written warning saying she is to get approval in advance for all playdates.

UsingChangeofName · 18/10/2023 00:22

Mariposista · 17/10/2023 23:15

Personally I am far too busy at work to be hanging off a phone every time the nanny wants to do her job and use her brain. She is in charge until work ends, unless there is an emergency.

I agree with this, and other posters who have said that you either trust your child carer or you don't.
Just the same as posters on here who want their parents to look after their dc but then criticise their every move and say they can't do X Y or Z.

You should appreciate that the nanny was able to respond to the unexpected situation sensibly and that the dc had a lovely time and have made new friends.

ladykale · 18/10/2023 00:24

teoma · 17/10/2023 19:15

Hi, please don’t judge but I really don’t know whether I’m being over dramatic. Our nanny took the children out for a gym class. Turned out it was overbooked and they had to go to the local park instead where she met her brother (he’s our neighbour). They took the kids back to his for a play date with his toddler who’s a bit younger than my children. I only learned about the change in plans when I texted to ask how they’re doing. I trust her, but I think parents should be asked before taking the children to other people’s homes. AIBU?

I have a nanny and yes I would expect her to text me if going to anyone's home. Change of plan to another play group is fine but I think it is different when someone's home is involved.

It's nothing insidious at all from the sound of it, so just mention that you'd like her to drop you a text.

Mine doesn't need to ask for permission in such a scenario but I like to know.

She has also hosted a play date at my home when I wasn't there, with my permission in advance. We have cameras in the public areas of the house so I didn't really mind this.

crumblingschools · 18/10/2023 01:13

How much do you need to know someone before you can trust them? When your child goes to pre school or starts school they will make new friends and gave play dates. Initially you will go with them. How do you know you can trust the parents? They don’t have a stamp on their forehead saying safe or not safe

bigbish · 18/10/2023 02:04

HangingStars · 17/10/2023 19:47

My childminder took my toddler to another childminders house after they bumped into eachother in the park. I sort of know the other childminder (enough to say hello to only), and know other parents who’s kids go to her. I was absolutely fine with it as I kind of know her, and by reputation know she is trustworthy. If it was a complete stranger I may have been annoyed, but this was your neighbour who you presumably know, so I wouldn’t be upset about it. Unless you actively wouldn’t approve of your child going there.

Exact same thing here. YABU.

Milarky · 18/10/2023 03:56

I absolutely would not be happy for my kids to be taken to a man's house that I didn't know. Brother of nanny or not!!

Hygeelady · 18/10/2023 05:44

I would think this is what a nanny would do? You employed her to sort the children whilst you work, so as long as they are happy and not in any danger, you should let her do her job and you do yours instead of trying to control it from your desk. If you don't like it, choose other childcare or don't work 🤦‍♀️

Itwasamemoment · 18/10/2023 06:13

Katrinawaves · 17/10/2023 21:05

I’m not understanding the problem here either, having employed nannies for about 15 years in total. They are in loco parentis for the child when you are not around and so can make decisions like this.

Why are the children at risk in a strangers home if the nanny is with them. Sure if there are used needles lying around or the house is otherwise unsafe, but then you would expect the nanny to make her excuses and leave at once. But the children aren’t going to be raped and murdered by some crazed psychopath whilst the nanny sits on the sofa drinking coffee and not intervening!

Exactly this . I genuinely do not know what you think is going to happen!
If you don’t trust her judgement when making snap decisions ,then you need to look after your children yourself.
What have I missed after having three children who between them visited probably over a hundred homes for play dates,parties ,sleepovers etc when they were little . It’s crazy ,how anxious and uptight people are with their children nowadays.
I genuinely cannot think of one incident,near miss that ever happened.

Soontobe60 · 18/10/2023 06:31

Presumably as you did receive photos from the play date, you DID know where they were!

HelpMebeok · 18/10/2023 06:34

The key point is the nanny (who you presumably trust) was with your kids the whole time.
if it bothers you just talk to her about it.

cryinglaughing · 18/10/2023 06:36

Did she leave the children at the play date?
If not, I can't see what the angst is all about.
You must have a level of trust in your nanny, if you don't maybe you should reconsider your child care arrangements.
I wouldn't want to have to report my every move if I was a nanny.

RampantIvy · 18/10/2023 06:37

Did she leave the children there or stay with them?
if she stayed I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.

HelpMebeok · 18/10/2023 06:37

@Milarky so you wouldn't be happy for the person you trusted to care for your kids to go to any of their friends houses with a dad present?

electriclight · 18/10/2023 06:42

I expect she would've asked if it was anyone else but it didn't occur to ask because it was her brother and your neighbour. I doubt she thought you'd disapprove or say no if asked. So I wouldn't be cross about this but a conversation about wanting to know next time would be ok I think.

arintingly · 18/10/2023 06:42

This wouldn't have bothered me.

It would bother me if she left my children with her brother but assuming she was still closely supervising them, I don't really understand what harm could come to them?

I also think the "need to know where they are at all times" is a bit weird - if the class has been overbooked and they had just stayed at the playground, would you have wanted to know?

But TBH our nursery would take the kids on short trips to the library next door and to the high street etc and I didn't care about knowing in advance which days they were going.