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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about my children taken to play dates without me knowing?

109 replies

teoma · 17/10/2023 19:15

Hi, please don’t judge but I really don’t know whether I’m being over dramatic. Our nanny took the children out for a gym class. Turned out it was overbooked and they had to go to the local park instead where she met her brother (he’s our neighbour). They took the kids back to his for a play date with his toddler who’s a bit younger than my children. I only learned about the change in plans when I texted to ask how they’re doing. I trust her, but I think parents should be asked before taking the children to other people’s homes. AIBU?

OP posts:
anareen · 18/10/2023 06:44

Sounds reasonable to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

neveradullmoment99 · 18/10/2023 06:47

Did the nanny stay? Then I don't see any problem
If she didn't, that's not on.

Sparehair · 18/10/2023 06:51

You have to decide what you want- either you have to have an agreement where you know the plan for the day and any deviations other than returning to own home must be pre- approved OR you trust the nanny to decide. What you can’t have is a mixed situation whereby retrospectively sometimes it’s ok and sometimes not depending or your own risk assessments, because often these are nuanced and not easy to distill into rules. And accept that sometimes the children will miss out on potentially fun things if the nanny can’t get hold of you because you’re busy/ in a meeting etc.

i

guild · 18/10/2023 06:55

My parents look after DD and the one rule I had for them was that I needed to know where she was at all times if they're taking her out. Sounds OTT but my worst nightmare would be to find out something happened and I didn't even know my child was there.

So I'm with you.

RedHelenB · 18/10/2023 07:11

teoma · 17/10/2023 19:38

Nothing to be jealous of - I’m just trying to see if my reaction is too strong.

Yes it is you either trust her to look after your child or you don't. Mine went to a childminders, no idea who came in and out the house but 109% treated her to care for my children during that time.

Jillyparsnip · 18/10/2023 07:13

Wait, did she leave the children at her brother's? Or was she with them?

Icepop79 · 18/10/2023 07:18

Total overreaction. It wouldn’t have bothered me in the slightest. I always trusted our nannies completely.

Icepop79 · 18/10/2023 07:19

guild · 18/10/2023 06:55

My parents look after DD and the one rule I had for them was that I needed to know where she was at all times if they're taking her out. Sounds OTT but my worst nightmare would be to find out something happened and I didn't even know my child was there.

So I'm with you.

You either trust your parents or you don’t. If you’re that controlling, you really shouldn’t be leaving your child with anyone.

RoyalImpatience · 18/10/2023 07:20

Childminder are dbs checked, checked by ofsted.

So someone meeting another childminder shouldn't be to worrying. However I'm not sure ops neighbour is

Honeychickpea · 18/10/2023 07:21

Lollyloup89 · 17/10/2023 19:20

And the replies above are so unhelpful given that these people would be outraged if it happened to their kids.

Maybe some people might be a little green eyed that the OP can afford a nanny maybe...?

Outraged? Seriously?😂

RoyalImpatience · 18/10/2023 07:22

@guild

Unfortunately most dc are abused by people they know.

LlynTegid · 18/10/2023 07:23

I doubt the nanny meant any ill will by her decision. My concern would be if it was to someone where there has been either the children having fallen out in the past, or some issue with the parents. For example, if the parent was racist and could be to the nanny or your child.

nibblessquibbles · 18/10/2023 07:29

I think YABU. Our nanny not only arranged all the kids activities including pay dates but I honestly didn't care what or where they were. If I'd asked her to keep me updated I think she'd have seen that as a lack of trust.
Either you trust her judgement or you don't. Because what happens when she is out with kids playing in the park with some other DC and it suddenly rains and they are not near home and another nanny says oh let's just go to our house and you don't know the nanny or the DC. on what basis would you refuse Or agree? Are you expecting her to stand in the rain texting you?

HappyAsASandboy · 18/10/2023 07:29

I have never used a nanny, but have used a childminder and nurseries.

I would be fine with my nanny/childminder taking my kids to a play date. My childminder takes them to all sorts of places including GP appointments, supermarkets, kids activities, baby groups, school sports fixtures for her own kids/other mindee's, sports day, impromptu boat trip, school plays ..... she may or may not mention in advance what the plans are, and I definitely wouldn't expect a message during the day of plans changed because I trust her to keep my kids safe in whatever situation she takes them in to.

I can't concentrate at work if I am worrying about what the kids are doing/where they are. I have found child care I trust and so hand them over entirely and let the childcare make the decisions until I collect them again.

The only time I really get calls from my childminder during the day is in an emergency or if they're out and there's photo permission type forms to complete!

eurotravel · 18/10/2023 07:35

JustAMinutePleass · 17/10/2023 23:02

I would be furious. Give her a final written warning saying she is to get approval in advance for all playdates.

Please tell me you aren't serious. The nanny is employed to look after children. A quick supervised play date at a neighbours house with someone she knows is hardly a crime

itsgettingweird · 18/10/2023 07:52

Yabu.

If you trust the nanny in loco parentis you have to trust the nanny.

GinAndJuice99 · 18/10/2023 07:58

You simply need to refer to the guidelines set out in the contract/job description/handbook that you agreed when you employed her

TakeMe2Insanity · 18/10/2023 08:06

The brother is your neighbour and you know him. Are they strangers to your child?

Humbugg · 18/10/2023 08:22

You need to trust your nanny or find a new nanny you do trust

Original poster
teoma · 18/10/2023 09:07

Like I said, I don’t know the brother personally and I’m not entirely comfortable with them being at someone else’s home without me knowing. I do trust their carer, I just asked to notify me where they are if they’re not where we agreed - not to ask for permission but just to let me know.

OP posts:
Katrinawaves · 18/10/2023 09:23

teoma · 18/10/2023 09:07

Like I said, I don’t know the brother personally and I’m not entirely comfortable with them being at someone else’s home without me knowing. I do trust their carer, I just asked to notify me where they are if they’re not where we agreed - not to ask for permission but just to let me know.

So you don’t want to keep the power of veto then?

Because if you do want to be able to object then you ARE saying she needs to text for permission however you are phrasing it. And many nannies will not want to be micromanaged to this extent.

arintingly · 18/10/2023 09:30

teoma · 18/10/2023 09:07

Like I said, I don’t know the brother personally and I’m not entirely comfortable with them being at someone else’s home without me knowing. I do trust their carer, I just asked to notify me where they are if they’re not where we agreed - not to ask for permission but just to let me know.

Genuine question: if it's not about vetoing it, why do you want to know?

At the end of the day, you have to trust her either way. She could just not tell you and you wouldn't know

NoSquirrels · 18/10/2023 09:52

I think you need to distil exactly what it is about the ‘unknown location’ that is bothering you, OP.

You trust nanny 100%.

She met a dad she knows in the park with his toddler, and took her charges for a play date.

You say you’re OK with nanny deciding who comes to your house - so you’d have been OK with her inviting him into your home and having the play date there?

Are you saying the nanny should never accept a play date at anyone else’s house?

Or should only accept a play date at someone else’s house if she’s checked with you in advance - and you know them personally and have seen their house? (Because if you don’t know them then your risk assessment isn’t any more helpful than the nanny’s.)

Figure out exactly what the issue is, and why.

MapleSyrupWaffles · 18/10/2023 09:58

I think you need to decide you trust her or not. What difference does it make if she lets you know? She is with them, and you will never know exactly what her plans are all day. What if she was at the park when you thought they were at the gym class - how is that different? If they were in someone's house and she was with them, then she will be keeping them safe. If she isn't, and has some nefarious reason for being there, then that would happen regardless of where they were.

You aren't going to meet the children's friends parents, or the nannies she meets at the park, or the parents of the children that the nannies are going to be looking after, if she is looking after them when they meet all these people. How will they ever get your approval to go to their houses? If you say people can come to yours for playdates, how do you expect those parents to agree to that when you won't do the reverse? It seems very controlling that you need to know exactly where they are. What if they go to the post office before the shops, instead of the reverse as they had planned? You won't ever know exactly what their day consists of unless you micromanage it. Do you think she would take them somewhere unsafe? Do you think she will leave them there alone? Do you think she won't respond appropriately to any red flags or things that happen during the day/visits etc? Would you go to a play date with a new friend? What if something happened then?

If your nanny has your children's best interests at heart, then she will be looking out for them wherever they are. And if she doesn't, then she shouldn't be looking after them at all.

LBOCS2 · 18/10/2023 10:00

Spacecowboys · 17/10/2023 19:45

I wouldn’t have left my children with someone whose judgement I didn’t trust. You either trust your nanny or you don’t . Yabu.

100% this. If you don't trust your nanny's judgement then they're the wrong nanny for you, and if you do, then what's the problem?