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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about my children taken to play dates without me knowing?

109 replies

teoma · 17/10/2023 19:15

Hi, please don’t judge but I really don’t know whether I’m being over dramatic. Our nanny took the children out for a gym class. Turned out it was overbooked and they had to go to the local park instead where she met her brother (he’s our neighbour). They took the kids back to his for a play date with his toddler who’s a bit younger than my children. I only learned about the change in plans when I texted to ask how they’re doing. I trust her, but I think parents should be asked before taking the children to other people’s homes. AIBU?

OP posts:

Notmetoo · 17/10/2023 19:59

I don't see the issue to be honest. If you trust her enough to look after your child then you should trust her to use her judgement about an ad hoc playdate. Not everything goes to plan and surely it's better for your child to be out and about than not. And it's not practical for her to contact you and wait for your response every time something comes up

mycatsanutter · 17/10/2023 19:59

Wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest .

Daffyyellow · 17/10/2023 20:00

I think your expectations are unreasonable. You are paying a professional to care for your children. Let her be a professional and use her judgement.

The plans changed for reasons beyond her control. She found an alternative activity, not far from home and still child focused.

Set restrictions if you must but I would let her be.

Pinkelephant66 · 17/10/2023 20:04

Definitely wouldn’t happy. Can’t trust anyone these days

YoDood · 17/10/2023 20:08

My children had an additional circle of friends as a result of my nanny’s own network. Never met the other parents (but would occasionally see their children at our house). I always thought it was healthy that they had friends outside nursery and school.

Frankly if you are prepared to trust your nanny with your children on a one-to-one, daily basis, then it follows that you should trust her to risk assess playdates in other locations.

autiebooklover · 17/10/2023 20:09

Genuinely wouldn't bother me as long as the nanny stayed?? If she left them that would be unacceptable.

I use to be a childminder and regularly use to take children on play dates with other childminders or friends with children. And have other people visit us. I wouldn't have been dictated to. You leave this person alone with your children surely you trust them?

TeenLifeMum · 17/10/2023 20:13

Nanny stayed and was still responsible for the dc. Plans had to change so nanny was adaptable and dc happy and safe. I’m not sure what you’re unhappy about. It wasn’t a random guy she met in the park, it’s a person she knows well.

Cosyblankets · 17/10/2023 20:13

If you trust her then let her get on with her job. If not find another. Unless I'm missing that she just left them there?

TheCunctator · 17/10/2023 20:13

Pinkelephant66 · 17/10/2023 20:04

Definitely wouldn’t happy. Can’t trust anyone these days

If you genuinely believe that, how do you think parents who both have to work (as opposed to 'choose to work') are supposed to manage?

I trusted my nanny friends with my children. I wouldn't have let my children go to play with theirs if I hadn't. In the same way as I let my children go to play with their friends whose parent/s I trusted. In the same way as those parents let their children come to play at my house.

It's horrible to assume that nobody can be trusted.

In the situation in the OP, I would obviously expect the nanny to stay too. Which is what she did.

Coachvikki · 17/10/2023 20:13

No, YANBU. I don't have kids, but there is no way I would allow a child of mine to go to the house of people I don't know. That is how bad things happen.

ManchesterLu · 17/10/2023 20:19

If it was a friend or family member looking after the child it wouldn't bother me, I'd trust their judgement and know they were also their to take care of my child.

However it doesn't sit well with me because you're paying her to look after your child and you don't know where they are.

StopLickingTheDog · 17/10/2023 20:20

My feeling would be that you either trust her with your children or you don't. Only you can answer that question though. I leave my child (with significant SEND) with a baby sitter once a month or so so my husband and I can get a bit of time to ourselves as an actual couple. She used to be his nursery worker. I don't mind what she does, whether she stays in or takes him out, because I trust her judgment and her ability to look after my child regardless. (Plus she's far more qualified to look after him than I am!!)

ActDottie · 17/10/2023 20:21

I couldn’t get worked up about this tbh

Original poster

teoma · 17/10/2023 20:50

Of course, didn’t mean to limit to nannies only. We’d be happy if any mom, grandparent etc came over for tea.

OP posts:

GreatShaker · 17/10/2023 20:57

I think this is absolutely fine. It wasn’t as if she took the children miles away. They were having a play date with a neighbour. I’m sure that’s something you’d be happy to do yourself. It’s a perfectly normal activity to engage in with young children not some weird outlandish event.

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2023 21:00

I’ve given her green light to invite other children and nanny friends over for coffee and play time.

If you’ve specifically green-lighted this, have you ever discussed (and vetoed) her taking the DC to other people’s houses for play dates?

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2023 21:02

I think I’d be fine with it as the nanny is present and in charge the whole time - she’s presumably not leaving your children unaccompanied. So I’m not sure what the issue would be if you trust her judgement and professionalism?

Katrinawaves · 17/10/2023 21:05

I’m not understanding the problem here either, having employed nannies for about 15 years in total. They are in loco parentis for the child when you are not around and so can make decisions like this.

Why are the children at risk in a strangers home if the nanny is with them. Sure if there are used needles lying around or the house is otherwise unsafe, but then you would expect the nanny to make her excuses and leave at once. But the children aren’t going to be raped and murdered by some crazed psychopath whilst the nanny sits on the sofa drinking coffee and not intervening!

NoSquirrels · 17/10/2023 21:09

ManchesterLu · 17/10/2023 20:19

If it was a friend or family member looking after the child it wouldn't bother me, I'd trust their judgement and know they were also their to take care of my child.

However it doesn't sit well with me because you're paying her to look after your child and you don't know where they are.

Weird. You have to trust the nanny you employ just as much as you trust anyone else who is in sole charge of your children, whether you’re paying them or not, whether they’re friends or family.

A nanny isn’t a stranger.

NumberTheory · 17/10/2023 21:16

What would be the point of her telling you in advance rather when she tells you what they’ve being doing at the end of the day?

Would you reflexively say “no”? Would you expect to be able to judge better than she can whether it’s an appropriate environment for your kids? I guess I can’t get worked up about it. She’s their nanny, isn’t it her job to try and come up with things to do, making decisions about what is and isn’t a good idea?

Aylestone · 17/10/2023 21:17

There’s no right or wrong here op. If it’s your preference to not allow your child to other people’s houses then just say so. If you haven’t already told the nanny this though Yabu for being ‘fuming’. She took the initiative to set up a play date with someone she knows, and presumably your child is fine and probably had a lovely time

sleepyscientist · 17/10/2023 21:26

teoma · 17/10/2023 20:50

Of course, didn’t mean to limit to nannies only. We’d be happy if any mom, grandparent etc came over for tea.

I wouldn't over react this time, but you and the other parent need to decide boundaries and discuss them with her. I wouldn't have mind this at all but my DS is 9 nearly 10 and when I think about it when he was little I might have been a bit oh is that okay? Am I helicopter parenting etc?

Think about it long term so the nanny has took them to the neighbour who happens to be her brother. In a few years DC will be knocking on next door for the kids to play.

You need to trust her and if long term you need to be able to trust her to make decisions over DC going out to play or having friends over when your not home, to me that's the advantage of a nanny over childcare. The kids get a normal childhood of coming home from school not to childcare the only difference is it's an adult your paying to make the decision vs yourself. If you don't feel comfortable with her doing that maybe she isn't the best fit for you which is okay but you might need to find someone else

Original poster

teoma · 17/10/2023 21:27

It’s fine to take them in for play dates, I’d just appreciate a message letting me know where my children are, and that’s what I intend to tell her.

I don’t know her brother although he lives quite close to us. They’ve both been born and raised in the area.

OP posts:

sleepyscientist · 17/10/2023 21:33

teoma · 17/10/2023 21:27

It’s fine to take them in for play dates, I’d just appreciate a message letting me know where my children are, and that’s what I intend to tell her.

I don’t know her brother although he lives quite close to us. They’ve both been born and raised in the area.

That sounds reasonable I would just phrase it as hey can you drop us a text when plans change, not trying to be intrusive on your plans I just like to know where DC is :)

Give it a few years and honestly OP you will be chasing DC's wanting to know where they are! As much as it doesn't seem like it now. We live on an estate that in the summer it's not unusual to text the other mums hey DC is here and I'm doing pizza is it okay if they have some? We know they are in someone's garden as you can hear them but who has got them all isn't closely policed!

Original poster

teoma · 17/10/2023 21:38

That sounds like perfect childhood to me 😍 I used to be like that with the neighbours’ girls growing up. But like I said, we don’t know her brother and his family and although I received nice photos from the play date, I’d rather knew where they are

OP posts:

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