To think 2 x full-time parents and no family support is quite unusual?

[bluepurpleangel]

I have read a lot of threads on MN recently where juggling life, work, childcare etc with both parents working full time and no family support seems to be the norm.

Is this really a reflection of real life? Thinking of people I know with younger children (say primary age or younger), I don’t think I know many two-parent families at all in this situation. In the vast majority of cases at least one parent works part-time and I also know quite a lot of families with a SAH parent.

Of those families where both parents work full time, they usually have some grandparent support with childcare or school pick ups etc.

Just seems a really sharp contrast to the situations I seem to read about on MN. Are my circles unusual or do others also find that 2 x FT working parents juggling everything on their own is quite rare?

At one point exh and I were both working full-time and had support from my mum, and also my dad and his wife. His family didn't bother.

Then we were both working full-time with no family support - my mum died, my dad got dementia, his parents still didn't bother.

Then I became a full-time working single parent with no family support - mum still dead, dad still had dementia. Exh parents still didn't bother. Exh had dd every other weekend and one night a week.

Now I live with my partner, both work full-time, exh works full-time too. Still no support. Mum still dead, dad now dead, DP parents live overseas, Exh parents still don't bother, exh still has dd every other weekend and one night a week.

It really isn't that unusual, but it is shit.

It's pretty normal for our "circles" we are a military family, but also from an area most people move away from for university. I work in London and most of them are professionals who have left families too.

I know far fewer people who have support around them, most people I know don't live where they grew up.

Friends who have moved away from the city I grew up in tend to be 2x ft parents and no support.
Friends who stayed locally tend to work pt and get family support.

Obviously if you live locally you get gp support and also housing tended to be cheaper so they can afford to have one person not working ft. The friends that stayed typically got married, brought a house and had kids sooner too. They seem to have more settled lives as they have support and lower housing costs due to getting on the ladder sooner. The pt worker also tends to have a lower paid job.

Whereas friends who moved away rented for years and had children later. They tend to earn more, but also have more costs and less support.

My children had their children whilst grandparents all still working, so couldn't help in the week.

@bluepurpleangel what region are you in? Village/town/city?

Sounds like you are living in quite a privileged bubble then with families who either have lots of family support or can afford one parent working part time- or if they do work FT can afford a nanny. No shade intended - enjoy it :)

We both work full time, use full time childcare, will never have family to be able to help with pickups due to they still work full time themselves.

We both worked full time with no family support. It wasn’t that unusual among my peer group although some couple had parents that lived near.

When most of my friends were working full time, and had young kids, their own parents lived hundreds of miles away because everyone had moved for university or work. So it's a socio-economic thing - certain groups in society expect to have kids/parents/grandparents all living in the same town. But other groups (can we say "classes"?) would find this bizarre.

DH works full time and I work 4 days, toddler and baby (currently on mat leave) and both sets of grandparents over 200 miles away. In our circles it does seem to be the exception, practically everyone we know has local family support/grandparent help with childcare.

Toddler goes to nursery and we have a cleaner, any help we get we have to pay for

Both work FT, have the support of one local grandparent who had DC two days while at nursery and now picks up two days from school and covers the majority of school holidays when we’re not off ourselves. Very lucky, most people we know that both work full time don’t have as much, if any, support from family.

Our household income is about £65k pa net.

Our childcare bill for four days (DH works condensed) is £16400 pa, so about 25%.

That's for one nursery aged child and one school aged child. Even with a comfortable income we would have found it a struggle paying two lots of nursery fees at once, DD started school just as DS is starting nursery. (No family help as commented further upthread)

I would say that’s the norm and anything else is a privilege- either being able to afford a parent working part- time or having family support (or both).

That’s the situation I was in when married. It’s also easier than being a single parent with no family support (unless the other parent properly does 50:50 - including mental load)

This is us and most people I know. Some of the mums work part time but in jobs that are very full on or involve lots of travel so are pretty much full time. The only people who have family nearby are those where the parent has moved to be closer so one or two.

People can only have grandparent or other family support if they live nearby.
My daughter and husband both work full time. We're the nearest relatives (65 miles away) - other grandparents are hundreds of miles away. I can't be there in an emergency as I need to get a bus or train so no, it isn't unusual.

I actually don't know any SAHPs at all socially - am aware that some of the parents at school are or seem to be because they are around for every pick up and drop off.

Almost all of my friends work full time and I barely know anyone with family support

I only know of 2 sets of parents that both work full time and one of them is very flexible so can do school runs and school plays etc. The other set, majorly struggle, they have family travel 2 hours to help with the kids when they need it as they have no one any closer.
I work part time because honestly I just don’t see how any of it would work if we were both full time. I would spend the extra income on childcare and I’d rather be with my child than pay someone else to do it. The young years are so short and I’d like to be there for as much of it as I can afford to. If finances had allowed, I would have gone full SAHP.

That's us!

DH works shifts which can be earlies, lates or night shifts. I work office hours. My family are 120 miles away and DH's over 300 miles away.

I have 3 kids and its quite the juggling act!

Where I live this is also the case - I have a large number of professional friends who are mothers and am the only one who works FT (& I only just went back FT after 5 years PT).

I've never worked less than 35 hours,so I consider myself almost full time. I've done condensed hours, even doing 14 hours shifts across across 2 days so we weren't left destitute paying childcare. I'm not sure if it's normal where I live. Working full time has ensured I don't have a mum circle of friends and i have very little time for socialising. I do see some mums that could be SAHPs and know of a few. They also seem to get all the help from GPs ironically.

Partners family don't even know we exist and my family would help if we had a need for it but they wouldn't babysit. They both still work and are late 60s, so no keen on asking them anyway as one child has ASD and high needs.

I probably look like a SAHP on the school run as I start very early, partner drops off and I pick up. So you can't really judge by seeing people pick up their kids. I don't know how people afford to not work and still have a lovely lifestyle. OH and I work hard, earn over average for our area and still have a shit no frills life. I wish someone would tell me the secret.

We both work full time, husband travels abroad a lot, and no grandparents able to help. Both my children were in full time nursery from 6 months and once the eldest went to school we had to hire a nanny as could not work out any way other to manage school holidays. It's a constant juggle!

I think it's fairly common tbh.

Not all full-time work is 9-5. We both work FT but my DH works alternating late/early shifts and I do compressed hours.

You don't really know the other parents.

I used to drop at breakfast club and pick up from after-school club, so only ever met other parents if they were doing the same.

This is our situation now, both full time (work approximately 87 hours a week between us!) and our 2yo is with a childminder full time.

it is tough. Up until the summer my mum had him one day a week but she had a heart attack and is not very well. Obviously she is the priority and we immediately put him with the CM that extra day, but the difference even one day a week “help” made to us is enormous.

we get no support on a weekend either.
the phrase it takes a village is no longer true, many GPs can’t afford to retire early and many parents both have to work FT due to COL crisis.

The thing I am most grateful for is that we have a roof over our heads and full bellies, which is more than a lot of people. I hope one day that I look back on this period of my life and feel proud, as at the moment I just feel incredibly stressed and pulled in many directions :/

In my circle it’s very unusual to have no family support. We all live a 10-15 minute drive away from parents and in laws to help out. I couldn’t imagine not having my family around to see my little one regularly.