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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 2 x full-time parents and no family support is quite unusual?

384 replies

bluepurpleangel · 17/10/2023 18:47

I have read a lot of threads on MN recently where juggling life, work, childcare etc with both parents working full time and no family support seems to be the norm.

Is this really a reflection of real life? Thinking of people I know with younger children (say primary age or younger), I don’t think I know many two-parent families at all in this situation. In the vast majority of cases at least one parent works part-time and I also know quite a lot of families with a SAH parent.

Of those families where both parents work full time, they usually have some grandparent support with childcare or school pick ups etc.

Just seems a really sharp contrast to the situations I seem to read about on MN. Are my circles unusual or do others also find that 2 x FT working parents juggling everything on their own is quite rare?

OP posts:
ImpeckableChicken · 18/10/2023 17:43

I don’t know any SAHP. I’ve just gone full time now my daughters at school and luckily our hours mean we can each do a school run. No family support cus they either work or are too old.

Most people I know have family support though.

Mememe9898 · 18/10/2023 17:43

You probably surround yourself with similiar type of people to you.
Both my husband and I work full time in senior roles and I’ve got a nursery and infant school age kids. We have zero family support. We hire help when we need a break which happens very rarely.

SamAndEIIa · 18/10/2023 17:48

PersistentSniffles · 18/10/2023 17:10

@Waspie do you think it's been more manageable to have both of you working FT because you only have one child? Asking, as I have toddler DS, and am leaning towards staying one and done.

Show quote history

We had a 6 year age gap and it’s been pretty manageable thus far.

whittingtonmum · 18/10/2023 17:49

I think because you are in a London commuter town that's why the SHAM/part-time set up is so common. I think people choose these places on the understanding that one parent commutes into London and the other parent picks up the child care slack because otherwise unmanageable without family nearby as commute too long, trains to unreliable for both to work & commute full time. You live in a particular bubble that's why you only know the same type of arrangements.

Pollydarling · 18/10/2023 17:53

3 children no support. Both work FT. DH parents made it clear from DC1 that they had "done their bit with their own children" went to the beach in the summer and these fit, healthy able-bodied 60 year olds didn't move from their deck chairs to engage or play once. They recently moved to the other end of the country too. Don't speak to either of my parents due to childhood abuse

1974devon · 18/10/2023 17:53

Single parent and carer to elderly mum..so no support here either. Oh and work full time.

lucywho123 · 18/10/2023 17:55

We both work FT with no family support when it comes to childcare. DM will have DS as and when we need her (4 times in 3 years)

Childcare costs are crippling without the support though so I’d give anything to have it esp with cost of living crisis right now

thenovice · 18/10/2023 17:59

Both full-time and never had any grandparent or other help EVER.
DH and I are both orphans.

DeeCeeCherry · 18/10/2023 18:01

I dont know any family like this in real life. Maybe with 1 side of the family not supporting. But not both. I do read about it a lot on here though and think it must be such a slog. Hard work all round. Obviously there can be various sad reasons for no support, that goes without saying. But the ones where a woman moves miles across the country away from family and friends then feels lonely, stuck and tired after kids come along with no support network I just think - why? I couldn't do it but we're all different, maybe husband & children only is enough for some.

Fraida · 18/10/2023 18:06

No family support here - they all live a distance away and we both work full time. The norm in my social circles at least.

psuedocream3 · 18/10/2023 18:06

Both full time, never have had any help with the children from friends or family ever. Nursery fees are crippling. I can't imagine how lucky people who have family help are.

Snuggy75 · 18/10/2023 18:14

2 x FT here, 2 children. No family help due to location and poor health.
Last time we sat down and worked out how much childcare costs we had paid over the years it was well over £100k which is crazy! Yes childcare vouchers / tax free childcare and 30 hours free helped but no idea how we have done it.

anonibubble · 18/10/2023 18:23

I think it's quite normal now to have to cope with two f-t jobs and no family support. Very few people I know live near enough to family for this to happen.
I have adult DC and was lucky not to have to work until my youngest child was at primary school, but I never got any family help with the children, other than the odd day when we went to a wedding or something similar.
I've chosen to live near my daughter now I'm retired but only know of two other families on our large estate where they live close enough to help.

DeliaOwens · 18/10/2023 18:25

We were that exact family. Both FT. One travelling for work reasons every month.

What I spent in childcare, wraparound care etc, would have paid a second mortgage. I was working FT to afford childcare but still keep my job (and salary) at the level of pre maternity and not have to scrimp and save to afford treats. We got to see family every couple of months (taking it in turns to my family versus in laws)
There was no one in my friendship circle who was any different.

I was honestly green with envy of anyone who had family help.

Rocksonabeach · 18/10/2023 18:27

Beezknees · 17/10/2023 18:50

I'm a lone parent working full time and had no parental support, my mum works full time herself so she couldn't help even if she wanted to. I used wrap around clubs. I did have a couple of other relatives who helped on the odd day in the holidays but certainly no one who committed to regular childcare. Thank god I'm through the other side now.

This but I’m no contact with my parents

MintJulia · 18/10/2023 18:27

I'm a single mum, working full time, no support at all. It's been like this since ds was 2, so for the last 13 years. I don't know anyone whose family live near or help.

Johnnybegood2 · 18/10/2023 18:31

Both work full time, no family or friend support. Children both in childcare full time.

Cannot afford to live on one wage and going part time for one of us would only cover the childcare bill to work part time, so not worth it 🤷‍♀️

Majority of people I know have at least one parent who helps woth babysitting or childcare.

Kwasi · 18/10/2023 18:31

Zero family support and our marriage has really suffered because of it. In 5.5 years, DH have had three weekday lunch dates together and that’s it. We hadn’t anticipated it would be so hard on our relationship.

BarelyCoping123 · 18/10/2023 18:32

We are 2 full-time parents, zero family support, juggling everything on our own, and have been for many years, utterly exhausted. Hence my username 😫

CauliflowerBalti · 18/10/2023 18:34

I was a single parent with no support from parents. Now I’m married and still no support.

littlejlr · 18/10/2023 18:35

My dh works full time, I work part time, but this includes a 12 hour shift, wit childcare and dh working half day at tye office and half day at home. My family refuse to help us, but help other family members. My dd is in Yr 4 at school and the times dh ad I are at work, we are 100% reliant on our childminders, who are our saviour. But I have also had to apply for flexible working when they dropped 1 day in the week. If we didn't have childminders, I would probably not be able to work as we have zero support from family or friends.

Goldfishonabike · 18/10/2023 18:38

Most people on here live in the UK and from
my experience living there for 14 years (hence why I’m still on here) just over half of families w young kids (or maybe even more?) had one parent at home or part time and/or family support.
I now live in a Scandinavian country and two full time working parents and little to no regular family support is absolutely the norm. But it works better here because childcare is so much more affordable due to higher taxes so mainly state-funded, shorter commutes for most people and shorter working days (9-5 at max and many with flexible hours and wfh). It’s still hard though and I think we struggle and are knackered a lot of the time, both with ft jobs and no family support.

EnoughNow2023 · 18/10/2023 18:42

We are in that situation both work FT no family support within 100 miles. In our circle of friends locally all parents be that 2 parent or single parent households work full time. A few friends 1 parent works PT (20%)
The family support thing varies mainly based on those who grew up locally or not. We are in a town outside a larger town (almost city) with a university and on the London commuter belt so a lot of people move here from other areas. Those that have relocated here rarely have any family support (80%)

nomadmummy · 18/10/2023 18:48

LOL. This is a joke right? 15% of families in the UK are SINGLE parent familes (mostly women). And btw 46% of children in those households live in poverty.

I for one am I single (though I prefer to say solo) parent without family. Not nearby, not anywhere except for the my birthfather's widow in Canada who tries really really hard to make up for what we don't have. I work full time. My child is in Y3. I pay a lot for wraparound care. Life can be hectic. But yes OP, there are plenty of families without parental support.

YABU.