To think 2 x full-time parents and no family support is quite unusual?

[bluepurpleangel]

I have read a lot of threads on MN recently where juggling life, work, childcare etc with both parents working full time and no family support seems to be the norm.

Is this really a reflection of real life? Thinking of people I know with younger children (say primary age or younger), I don’t think I know many two-parent families at all in this situation. In the vast majority of cases at least one parent works part-time and I also know quite a lot of families with a SAH parent.

Of those families where both parents work full time, they usually have some grandparent support with childcare or school pick ups etc.

Just seems a really sharp contrast to the situations I seem to read about on MN. Are my circles unusual or do others also find that 2 x FT working parents juggling everything on their own is quite rare?

It's fairly normal here to have grandparents who can pick up after school/look after grandchildren for a night to be honest. I work virtually full time (33 hours over 4 days) and my husband works long hours over 5 days. pre covid (and whilst needing wrap around care for a pre schooler/primary aged child) it was harder because we both worked out of the home, and saving a days nursery fees was so helpful, plus it has given our daughter a brilliant bond with her grandparents (I never knew mine so the concept of anything but a nuclear family was alien to me and I'm so grateful our daughter has this). It's been the same with most friends we have, grandparents have looked after children overnight to enable shift work, dropped off and picked up from school etc. it was the same for my husband and bil when they were younger. As I say, it was not this way when I was a child, it has definitely opened my eyes to the value of family help and we intend to pay it forward to the best of our ability.

We were both working FT with young children apart from a 3 year period when I worked 2/3 time. I worked FT from when my daughter was 3 months old until she was just turned 3 years and my son was nearly 2. Then again from when by daughter was 6 and my son was 5 right through until now (Uni age). My parents VERY occasionally looked after them during the school holidays. Probably less than 10 days in total?? They lived 1.5 hours away and worked full time themselves. My husband's parents live in a different country.

However, my husband took at least his fair share of all childcare and largely worked from home. He did most of the school drop offs and a childminder collected them. I'm also able to work quite flexibly much of the time. If we both worked long, rigid hours commuting to an office it would be hard. They were also never ill. Not allowed.

We did both work full time, without support from parents. I couldn't manage without support, so went part time. When my second child arrived, I gave up work. When my child was off sick, or school closed for teacher training day I didn't have that support for emergency cover. I'm very jealous when I see grandparents help out. Feels unfair.

I don't think it is uncommon at all. We both moved away from family as when we graduated we had to moved to find jobs. So we were both working FT, had 2 DC, but no family around. We managed ok though as luckily our earnings were fine so we could pay for childcare.

Both full time working parents and no family support, multiple children. It's exhausting and we get no break.

It really makes me sad the lack of family imput, just a tiny bit of help/interest would be nice. We spend every Christmas by ourselves, it's dull.

We are 2 FT parents with no support, we also live in an area that does not have childcare provisions for summer holidays etc we are definitely the minority around here but we've made it work by working opposite shifts.

So we've never relied on nursery for when our kids were babies/toddlers either. When the kids are old enough I think we'll both look for jobs on the same timetable so we can actually enjoy each others company.

It's been horrifically tough at times and we are both absolutely shattered constantly but we are in a financially secure position, the lack of family time all together and both parents being able to attend events is a huge downside.

Both my parents live locally but are still working FT themselves so can't support us.

The families around us (London - fairly affluent area) seem to fall into three categories. The first is 2 FT working parents in jobs with set hours (doctors, teachers, actuaries, in-house legal etc.), even if there might be some unpaid overtime/weekend work. Then there are the 1 FT working parent families where the other parent is a SAHM or works part-time around the kids. This tends to be because the working parent is working 80+ hour weeks (typically in finance/law) and does not have fixed hours or indeed any guarantee of what time they might be able to leave work in the evening. They often travel for work as well. Often both parents started out working in the same career/field but eventually the balancing act became too much. The third category is families who run their own businesses and use the autonomy to balance work around the kids. There aren't many families around us with day-to-day help from family/grandparents, and those that we know tend to live in multigenerational households for cultural reasons. The norm is to pay for the help you need.

I'm in Scotland and have no family support at either side. We both work FT with two young children and expecting our 3rd 😊

We're two professional, full time (37+ hours pw) working parents here with one DC under 1yr. All our family are either abroad or several hours away in UK and elderly. We don't even have close friends nearby. It is really, really hard. We started using a babysitter occasionally when baby was 3 months just to have a monthly date night. It only works because we have flexible employers and can wfh 3-4 days pw. The nursery fees however are twice our mortgage so nearly every penny earned goes on bills. Just clinging on until that 30hrs free childcare kicks in...

I work 40 hours a week and DH is self employed working more hours then me. We have no family close to us and two primary school aged children. I'm jealous of DH siblings who have their parents look after their kids every week. It's very very hard having no support our childcare bill was more then our mortgage during the summer hols. I dont know anyone personally that doesn't have help of grandparents to look after the kids

Both full time workers and no family support (apart from special occasions when DP's family will drive 2+ hours to stay at ours for an afternoon or evening).

I have no family in the UK and DP's family are in another county.

In my circle it is unusual so I'd agree with you. I don't know many people at all who both work f/t... Even if they have help... Most have one person working part time and I don't know many people who need to use wraparound care.. our school after school club is pretty dire...

I tend to find most mums in my circle have arrangements where they work from home full time or work 3 or 4 days. Generally most people have arrangements that ease the pressure at home if they can.
I work full time and I go onto work daily. I've just gone back to work after maternity leave. I'm really struggling at the moment and I'm considering changing jobs to enable more flexibility. Lifes too short to be miserable.

Agreed, @TheCunctator — it is worth having had to pay for every minute of childcare since I returned from maternity leave. Compared to the alternative.

I think (across the people I know in various situations) it is more common in working class families to have part time or shift work or family childcare (not necessarily grandparents) and middle class is more likely to be two full time (or close to full time) jobs plus paid childcare. Not universal, but maybe partly down to whether you earn enough to make paying for childcare worth working for, and (especially in London and the southeast) higher housing costs necessitating two salaries.

I'm older now and am aware that things have changed, but most of my circle worked part-time with friends helping with childcare more than grandparents. In my case my DM had died anyway.
The increase in pension age from 60 to 66 has affected the help that grandparents can give now.

Both work full-time in London, no family nearby so no support whatsoever. We do have a cleaner and an occasional baby-sitter but that's it. The only blessing is the ability to work from home, so the drop-offs and pick-ups are more manageable than they could have been, but we do have to pay for wrap-around childcare/clubs

Not usual. It's expensive.

No family support here and tbh very common in my area...more common than family support... however what I do have is mum support...I've taken a child home and had friends take mine home...

This is our situation too. Both parents working full time, Monday to Friday. No family support during the week to do pick ups or for school holidays. We do pay for support with a weekly cleaner and after school clubs.

We are both F/T with no help as parents are either dead or too old and disabled. Round here though I see lots of grandparents doing school pickup and some mums are P/T or SAHM.

Well, I was a single.parer working full time with no family support.

I had to go no contact with my mother (police and SS involvement), my dad died, and my marriage broke down all within 4 months. Due to circumstances leading up to and surrounding it, I didn't have any friends at the time either. I was totally alone.

You just get on with it because there isn't an alternative 🤷🏻‍♀️

My DH and I both work full-time and closest family are 3 hours away.

Most of our friends are in the same situation.

Really? We were both FT with 3 DCs. My parents live abroad and DH’s are in poor health and hundreds of miles away. We just got in with it. Not saying it was easy (all adults now) and DH worked away a lot including 6 months abroad when the DCs were 9, 7 and 2, but we chose to have them, so …

This will be my daughter and her husband. They’ve just had their first baby and daughter will be going back to work full time in a year. We live in the north as do her in laws and they are near London. I think it depends on where you live and whether you’ve moved away from family. I’d love to be able to help but it’s not an option.